Chapter 13: Clarity

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

-Madilyn Bailey.

Amanda's POV:

It was early Tuesday morning, and it was cold outside. Amanda took a sip from her coffee, walking into the school building. As soon as she stepped inside she saw her whole class seated on benches, waiting for the bus. Amanda was twenty minutes late, she had really been hoping that they would've already left. Fin caught her eye and waved her over, motioning to the empty seat beside him. She gave him a little wave and started to make her way over, when a voice stopped her. A voice that Amanda hadn't been able to stop thinking about for the past few days.

"Amanda, do remember where you are sitting at the play?" Olivia asked from behind her. She knew Olivia was only doing her job, but it still pissed her off. Like she could forget.

"I guess I'll just follow you, Ms. Benson," Amanda replied, not bothering to turn around. Without waiting for Olivia to say anything, Amanda continued on her way to Fin.

"Hey, Man," Amanda greeted, bumping his fist. Fin grabbed her coffee from her hands and took a sip, groaning with satisfaction.

"You get the best coffee, Manda," Fin grinned, hogging her cup.

Amanda laughed and shook her head at his antics. "What if I was going to finish that?"

"Well then I guess it's too late now," Fin replied, still taking small sips of the hot liquid. "Anyway, I didn't expect you to show up."

"Yeah, well, I tried to be late," Amanda said, leaning back into the bench. She had taken a long shower, stopped to get coffee, and walked the three blocks here at a pace her drunken mother could've beaten. There was a honking noise from outside and everybody was directed to stand up.

She followed the rest of her class out the front doors, back into the cool morning air. Amanda rubbed her arms for warmth as she waited. She knew she would be last to board. She was perfectly okay with that. The more time she spent outside, the less time she spent next to Olivia Benson.

They were going to see a play called Les Miserables, Amanda thought it sounded kind of interesting. The only thing was, that you had to sit next to the person you had shared a bus seat with. She was going to spend her whole day in the hell. "Hey, kid. You coming?" The bus driver asked.

She realized that she had just been standing there, everybody else had already gotten on. With a nod, she grabbed the railing and climbed up the steep bus stairs. Amanda took in a deep breath. The bus was packed. Her eyes scanned for her seat. She caught a glimpse of Olivia's brown hair all the way in the back. Amanda politely pushed her way back to the empty spot, squeezing through the rows of students. When she got there, Olivia was sitting on the outside of the seat.

"Excuse me," Amanda murmured, sliding in front of Olivia's body to get to the window spot. Her ass rubbed over Olivia's leg as she tried to squeezed through, Amanda bit back her moan. Then the bus suddenly jolted forward, and she fell back in surprise. She landed right on Olivia's lap. Olivia's arms instantly went around her waist, and helped her regain her balance.

"Thanks," Amanda said, as she scooted off Olivia and into her seat.

This was extremely painful, Amanda's whole body yearned for Olivia. She hated having to sit here, and not be able to touch the woman next to her. All she wanted was to lean over and snuggle into Olivia. Was that such a bad thing?

Amanda had replayed that moment in Olivia's house over and over. She understood where Olivia was coming from, but that didn't mean she agreed. Olivia had taken her choice away, and that wasn't fair. Amanda wanted to talk to Olivia, but she didn't know what she would say. She had to say something, but every idea that popped into her head sounded horrible and would only embarrass her.

So Amanda stayed quiet, looking out the window instead. The bus seat was so small that every time they hit a bump in the road, her leg would press against Olivia's. She felt like Olivia was looking at her, but she didn't want to turn around and find out. She just wanted to get through this trip.

~X0~X0~X0~

Amanda stood at the concession stand. The line had been insanely long and most of her class was already seated in the theater. Amanda was starving so she had endured the long wait, hoping the popcorn would make up for it. She figured she might as well get Olivia something. She'd gotten Olivia a medium bag of chocolate candies.

"Here you go, lady," the guy behind the counter said, handing her the food.

"Thanks," Amanda said, moving out of the line with her stuff. She headed for the theater, when she stepped in she realized that the play was just starting. Amanda was having trouble seeing but she managed to quickly navigate her way down the steps, and through rows of people. She got to her assigned seat without disturbing too many audience members. The seats in this theater were made for two, and they had no arm rest between them. It was like a small loveseat. Amanda slowly lowered herself down next to Olivia.

They were so close to each other, that their shoulders were touching. Amanda looked over at the woman beside her, trying to see her face.

Olivia looked tense, like she was trying hard not to cry. Without thinking Amanda softly reached out and touched Olivia's arm. The older woman's head snapped around so fast, Amanda almost jumped back. Olivia's eyes bore into hers with such intensity that Amanda had to force herself to speak.

"Hey, I got you some candy," Amanda whispered, offering the small sack to Olivia. Olivia looked at her for a second more, and then her eyes flicked to the bag. She took the candy from Amanda.

"Thank you," Olivia whispered back, turning her eyes back to the stage. Amanda let out a sigh of relief and snuggled back into the soft cushions of the seat, digging into her popcorn. The curtains parted, but Amanda wasn't paying attention to the play. She was watching Olivia.

Olivia had relaxed a little and was nibbling at her candy. Amanda found it adorable how into the play the older woman already was. Amanda put the popcorn in the middle of them, and tapped Olivia again. Olivia glanced over, and Amanda pointed down to the popcorn. Olivia nodded and mouthed her thanks.

Amanda almost felt like they were getting back to normal, and that was a great feeling. She had missed Olivia so much, and she didn't know how much longer she could've stayed away from the woman. Reaching down for some more popcorn, Amanda made to grab a handful. She grabbed Olivia's hand instead. Amanda's eyes widened and she looked over, planning on apologizing. Olivia wasn't even looking at her, she was still focused on the play. Amanda moved to pull her hand back, but Olivia wouldn't let it go. She watched with surprised eyes as Olivia held her hand, running her thumb over Amanda's knuckles.

Olivia had made it clear that she didn't want her, but now she was holding her hand? Was Olivia intentionally messing with her head? Two could play at this game. Amanda traced her finger over Olivia's palm in random little patterns.

Then the musical part of the play started, and Amanda's attention was drawn to the stage. They were still in the opening act, but Amanda felt like it had been so much longer. Amanda could feel Olivia's grip on her hand tighten and she smiled. Their hands fit together so perfectly it had her in awe.

~X0~X0~X0~X0~

By the time the bus parked in the school's lot it was already getting dark. Amanda could see parents sitting out front, waiting to pick their kids up. Amanda felt a twinge of sadness when she thought about how everybody else got to get in a car with their parents and ride home, while Amanda got to get off the bus and walk home by herself. Because she was sitting in the back with Olivia, they were the last ones off.

All her classmates were already getting in cars, and leaving. Amanda didn't see Fin anywhere, so she turned and started to head home. It was only a few blocks and if she hurried, she could make it before it got completely dark.

"Amanda!" she heard from behind her. Turning around she saw Olivia walking towards her.

"Hey, Ms. Benson," Amanda greeted, she didn't know if she was still allowed to address her as Olivia.

"I wanted to offer you a ride home, it's getting dark, and.." Olivia stopped and looked away, chewing on her bottom lip.

"And?" Amanda asked, curious as to what the older woman had been going to say.

"Amanda, I care about you," Olivia finished. "Can I please take you home?"

Amanda crossed her arms and answered, "Yeah."

"Come on, my car's right over there," Olivia headed towards her car when Amanda's voice stopped her.

"Olivia, I know what your car looks like. I've been in it before, a few times actually," Amanda shrugged, walking towards the car's passenger side.

Olivia didn't answer, but she unlocked the car door for Amanda. She pulled the car door open and slid in, watching as Olivia started the engine.

"Did you like the play?" Olivia asked softly, turning out of the schools parking lot.

"Yeah. It was really nice," Amanda answered. "Know what else was nice?"

"Hmm?" Olivia glanced over, looking into Amanda's eyes for a moment.

"Your hand in mine was good too," Amanda said, leaning her head back against the head rest.

Olivia didn't answer but she tensed. "You know, Olivia, I seriously don't know what your problem is, but you can't just reject me and tell me you don't want me, then turn back around and hold my hand. That's not how it works," Amanda's jaw clenched.

Olivia stopped at a red light and looked over, her mouth opening and closing several times. Amanda just turned her head and looked out the window. They drove the rest of the way in silence, when Olivia pulled up, Amanda rushed to exit the car. Olivia's hand on her arm stopped her.

"Amanda," Olivia murmured.

"Olivia, just, tell me one thing," Amanda turned around and faced Olivia, leaning over the console and getting into Olivia's space. "Do you have feelings for me?"

"I-Amanda," Olivia started, but Amanda stopped her by cupping her face softly.

"Olivia, do you have feelings for me?" she repeated, looking into Olivia's deep brown eyes.

"Yes," Olivia finally answered.

"Olivia, I don't want to be away from you anymore. Please don't make me," Amanda pleaded, leaning in and resting her forehead on Olivia's. "Please."

Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head, leaning into Amanda's touch. "I won't, Amanda. I can't. I need you too."

Amanda nodded and backed away. "Come upstairs with me, Olivia," Amanda whispered.

"Amanda, that doesn't mean we can be in a relationship. I want to be back in your life, but we can't do that, Amanda," Olivia said, brushing a strand of hair out of Amanda's face.

Amanda nodded and kissed Olivia's cheek, before grabbing the door handle. "Goodnight, Olivia."

"Goodnight," Olivia whispered.

Amanda climbed out of the car, turning and walking towards her building. Tears were streaming down her face as she stepped inside the lobby.

~X0~X0~X0~X0~

Olivia's POV:

Olivia watched in silence as Amanda walked into her complex. Part of her wanted to get out and run to Amanda, but the other part still believed that she was doing the right thing. She wasn't so sure of that anymore tho. When she wasn't with Amanda, she felt like she couldn't think. Now that she had known what it was like to have Amanda in her arms, she needed more.

When Amanda had fallen into her on the bus, her heart had nearly stopped. Amanda's weight had felt like heaven on top of her. For a moment she had forgotten that she was on a school bus, surrounded by students. For one tiny second she had almost pulled Amanda down and claimed her lips. Then at the play, she had really tried to let go of Amanda's hand, but she couldn't.

Olivia had missed Amanda horribly for the few days they hadn't talked, and today had been the only happy moments she had since Amanda stormed out of her house. Olivia started the car, and reluctantly pulled back onto the road. It was taking everything she had not to turn around and go knock on Amanda's door.

~X0~X0~X0~

Olivia was getting settled in bed when her phone beeped, and the screen lit up with a new message. Olivia grabbed the phone and looked at the text.

Amanda: Hey, are you asleep?

Olivia smiled and opened her keyboard, typing out her reply. 'No. Just got home, what's up?'

She kept refreshing her messages, waiting for Amanda's message. She didn't have to wait long.

Amanda: Nothing. I'm sorry, I just couldn't sleep. Wanted to make sure you made it home alright.

Olivia smiled at the message and lied back in her bed, pulling her phone close to her chest. She may not be able to hold Amanda like she wanted, but she could still dream.