Serenity

The gaps were sometimes as long as whole days and I had to depend on my journal to fill them. I couldn't control what went on while Sarazuka and Anasara were out but for the very least, knowing what they were doing helped me to do a bit of damage control. On one occasion, I had discovered that Sarazuka had gone to a club and gotten into the cage. I nearly burst into tears, embarrassed because that wasn't my personality at all. I thought my name would be tarnished forever. Luckily, it had been really dark and she hadn't been interacting with other people. She had just gone out, solo, just deciding for herself that she needed to have a night to herself with no conservative Serenity inhibiting her behaviour. I doubt anyone would have recognised me either; she'd put on a lot of makeup and was wearing the shortest dress I owned without the leggings that I usually wore with them.

I usually made it a point to read it every day. I couldn't stand the thought that perhaps I could have done something extremely shocking and I didn't know about it. Every day, I lived with the fear that one of my personalities would go too far and that the people I knew and loved would alienate me because of it. I kept my condition a secret—I'm ashamed to say that I was ashamed of it. Joey and mom didn't know about it, or Tea, or Yugi or Tristan. I tried to keep my distance from Duke especially. Duke had been seriously interested in me since the day we met. Tristan had been, too, originally, but after some time, he lost his romantic feelings and it became strictly friendly. Duke didn't.

He had been busy these days dealing with his own dice game but he still emailed and texted me occasionally to ask me how I was. I developed feelings for him some time whilst we were travelling together and any further interaction we had only served to exacerbate it. He was sweet and kind and willing to just be friends with me as long as I didn't like him that way, an absolutely considerate guy. He was just about my idea of perfect. But I was a screwed up and scarred person and I couldn't mess him up with my own brokenness. He deserved better. I couldn't let him get too close for fear of changing him negatively. I was in love and I knew being away from him was better for him, even if it was hurting me.

I appreciated having my job at the minimart because it was quiet and convenient and didn't get in the way of my studies. It helped me live, since I was now living on my own and my co-workers and employer were all very nice people. Not a lot of people came in unless there was some dire emergency or it was very, very late Friday night, but in any case, I got off at ten and didn't see most of those people. Andi was the one who took the graveyard shift and I admired her greatly for it.

I was just staring at the door from over the counter when the last person in the world I thought I'd see there strolled in, a girl at his side. I hadn't even known that he was in the country. Seeing him with that girl stabbed me straight in my naive little heart. Of course if I had rejected his advances so many times he would find a girl who would fulfil his needs. He got a pack of gummy bears—that was his favourite snack—and two bottles of pear-flavoured soft drink. When he approached the counter and saw me there, I saw him do a double take and that kind of made me want to laugh inside.

"Serenity?" he asked.

"That's my name," I replied, trying to appear nonchalant.

"Oh, my gosh! How are you?" he asked, coming to hug me from over the counter.

"I'm...pretty good. And yourself?"

"The same, I guess. You work here?"

"Yep. While I don't have things to do, I'm here till ten."

"Are you? I'm just amazed to see you. It's been a while."

"Yeah, it has. You've been busy with your promotions and so forth abroad, right?"

"Yeah. It's been amazing being away. I brought back a few things that really entranced me though." My eyes immediately shifted to the beautiful girl just behind him and he seemed to notice my long stare at her. "Oh, Serenity, this is Varesa. She's an enthusiast who I just saw in my head portraying one of the duel monsters. She's agreed to help me and we've been discussing it."

Any normal girl would have thought that that was an unlikely story and a worse lie but I knew Duke enough to safely say that he wouldn't lie to me. If he'd moved on and found another girl—or is he hadn't moved on but found another girl—he would have told me. There wasn't much need for us to keep secrets from each other, especially as friends. Except if you were a nineteen-year-old schizophrenic...

I gave the girl a smile and then shifted my focus back to Duke.

"You get off at ten, huh?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, it's almost that time. Do you want me to wait for you? We can chat a little and I can give you a lift home."

"That's sweet but I'm sure you have things to do."

"Not really. We were just about done. It's no problem at all. It'll give us a chance to catch up. Oh, come on, Serenity."

"Oh, alright. How's she getting home?"

"Oh, my ride's here. Bye, Duke. Thanks for the opportunity," the girl said, heading out the door and into an idling car.

"Well, I guess I got my answer," I replied. He laughed and handed me his money and we completed the transaction quickly.

"Well, I'll wait for you in the parking lot, so you don't get in trouble. See you in a few." I nodded and he exited.

Lucky for me those ten minutes flew like the speed of light. Andi shouted at me from the isle that my shift was over and I folded my apron and put it away, and as soon as I walked out the door, I saw him.

"Hi," I said, probably blushing.

"Hi," he replied, smiling back. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah. Do you even know where I live though?"

"No clue, but you should, right?" I let out a laugh and nodded. "Great, so we're not screwed. Come on. We can talk while in the car." He was driving this cute red convertible and it made me curious as to what the ride was like. Partly out of curiosity and partly because I knew I was dying to talk to him after so long, I got into the car and we were off quickly. His stereo was really loud and after almost jumping out through the window when the bass line hit me as soon as the car came to life, he turned it down until it was just background noise.

"Sorry," he said, smiling sheepishly.

"It's alright. You'll get deaf like that, you know," I said, smiling back.

"I know. But you know me, I'm a flashy kind of guy."

"I know. I missed you, Duke."

"I missed you, too, Seren. You're studying, right?"

"During the day. I'm thinking about going into optometry." He smiled, immediately remembering where I was coming from.

"I think you'd do great in that field. Especially because of your experience. You'd appreciate sight better than most."

"I'd like to think I do. But anyway, how're the promotions going?"

"It's going great. Oh, Seren, you should see how enthusiastic the foreigners are about it! Otakus are everywhere, more than I'd ever expected. It's spectacular."

We talked a lot about his time all over the world and I took pleasure in seeing how excited he was and how gratifying he found the acceptance of his product among people outside of our culture. As I talked there with him, saw him talk and laugh with such energy after so long, I felt all the feelings rush back to me in a tidal wave that almost made not being his seem painful. Part of me was dying to ask him if his feelings were still the same—the other part was deathly afraid of the answer, even if it were positive.

He wasn't driving too quickly but my house wasn't really far away from where I worked so we got there quickly. But I wasn't ready to let him leave my company yet. It was a bad indicator of how much I really was in love with Duke. Against my better judgement, I made a decision and agreed to accept what happened.

"Duke, do you want to come inside for some tea or coffee? It's been such a long time—" I started. His phone rang, cutting me off and his face became contrite and he held up a finger to me to tell me to hold my thoughts. The call was short but his voice was tight and serious.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Seren. I'd love to come in for some coffee but someone from the office just called. I have to go take a look at something. Maybe I'll catch you around?" I managed to fake a smile.

"Of course. It's okay. See you around."

"Yeah, see ya, Seren." And without much ado, he drove off. In the end, I thought that maybe it was for the best. When I got inside, I noticed the journal that Anasara, Sarazuka and I wrote in on the coffee table. Had he seen it, it may have gotten curious and that would have meant the end of our friendship or any kind of relationship. He'd undoubtedly tell the others and he'd find me odd and never speak to me again.

My heart leapt with joy when he walked in five minutes before my shift was over the next day and came straight to the counter.

"Duke! What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, I said I'd see you around, didn't I?" he responded, resting his elbows on the counter like mine were. This brought his face centimetres from mine and I drew back. He couldn't be that close. It was dangerous. He stood straight as well, not seeming to be insulted by my withdrawal. "Let's go for a walk after you're done. You've got three more minutes, right?"

"Um, did you manage to deal with that thing from yesterday?"

"Yeah. It wasn't really that big a deal. So, will you come walking with me?" I wanted to say yes, but knew that I should say no.

"Sure, sounds great." Walking would be safe. Duke was still that great guy who wouldn't try anything immoral and there was little risk that our walk would be interrupted by the other two personalities. If they did, I had already with the help of Doctor Morton informed them that they should tell the person that they (I, in their case) were feeling sick and needed to go home immediately.

For a few minutes, we walked in silence and I wondered what it was that he was thinking so hard about. His face was serious and contemplative like I had come to know after having travelled with him for a long time. If something was bothering him, I needed to know. Even if I wasn't allowed to love him, I wanted to help him.

"Duke, what's wrong—" He stopped walking and faced me and I stopped to look at him.

"You know me well enough to know when something is bothering me, don't you, Serenity?"

"I guess."

"See, Serenity, you know everything about me and I know I mean a lot to you. Can't you give us a chance based on just that? I've been trying to be considerate all this time, but seeing you again after so long, it's made me realise that I can't go on missing you like this. I can't stand to think some other guy could be with you. Don't you see how perfect we'd be for each other? We have all that history and—"

At that point, I turned away from him because tears were about to start pooling in my eyes. Here, he was, spilling his heart to me and begging me to give him a chance and here I was, torn and broken between what I wanted and what I knew I had to do. I couldn't let him find out about me. No way. That would alienate him from me entirely. It's not that I didn't trust his feelings to be beyond that, but I knew it would tear him apart sooner or later to know that his girlfriend was only sometimes there, that sometimes it was Anasara or Sarazuka and not Serenity in that body. It hurt me to think about it. It would kill him.

"What's wrong? There's someone else, isn't there? If you love someone else then just tell me. But if you do, I can't say I'll be able to stay. It hurts too much, Serenity. It hurts too much. I love you far too much to just be your friend. I need to give you my love and I need to give you all of it, not just some like this. So, please tell me. Tell me either to back off forever or tell me that you'll be willing to give me a chance."

As he spoke, the tears came free and began to flow like tributaries from my eyes. I couldn't lie to him. I couldn't hurt him. I couldn't hurt myself and send him away, even though I knew it would be for the best. I was too selfish.

"That's not it, Duke. You don't understand," I said softly as I wiped my eyes. He put his hands on my elbows and looked me in the eyes.

"Then help me to understand, Serenity. Tell me what it's like."

"I love you, Duke. But I can't be with you. There's something wrong with me, something you shouldn't have to—" His lips crashed down on mine before I could even finish my sentence and, wanting nothing else, I gave back the passion he was giving. He wasn't exercising any restraint with his kiss, he was giving me the force of his feelings in their sheer and raw nature and I wanted it. I wanted him. I loved him. I was damned. And so was he. Damned to love a crazy schizophrenic who wanted him, too.

When finally his lips were freed from mine and my eyes flew open, his own orbs were staring intently at mine, that volatile passion within them.

"I don't care what you think is wrong with you, Serenity. I love you, all of you, and I'm willing to deal with anything you can throw at me once I can call you mine."

"Duke."

"I'm serious. If you love me then why should you be forced to leave me behind? My love for you isn't fickle, Serenity. It's one of the few constants in my life. I'm ready to deal with anything that can come out of our relationship. Will you be my girlfriend?" Duke was telling me that he loved me and that he'd accept me no matter what. But could I accept? He really didn't know what it was that he was going to encounter. One day, he would kiss me and either Anasara would shove him away and reject him or Sarazuka would try something I usually wouldn't and take things far enough for him to reject me. Could I risk that?

I knew that it was my fate to live with them, but why should I make it his? He was already so busy and he deserved better. He deserved the normal, gorgeous otaku girl who walked into the minimart with him yesterday. But I couldn't let her have him. Did I have to sacrifice everything I loved and wanted just to make sure that they didn't ruin my life? Granted, they could ruin the lives of those that I loved, but if I warned them, if they knew, couldn't they learn to deal with and avoid it? That is, if they still accepted me after learning the truth. It took everything I had but I made the decision, the one that deep in my heart I knew was right and agreed to accept the consequences.

"Duke, take me home."

"Serenity—"

"Come home with me, I mean."

His eyes glimmered at the idea but his mind was processing it.

"Are—Are you sure?"

"If it's you, then I'm more than sure. I can't stand to think that," I was about to say 'Anasara and Sarazuka could get in the way and mess with us' but then rethought it, "my issue will get between us and I can't give you what you want from me."

"Serenity, we don't have to rush this. I can wait as long as you can."

"I don't want to wait, Duke. I already love you. It's okay if it's now." I saw him think. I saw the thoughts moving through his head. I saw him justifying it to himself. I saw him wanting me to have my way over his. I saw that he wanted me, too. And then, I saw him accept it.

"And you're absolutely sure?"

"Yes."

For the entire short car ride, we were silent. He was probably thinking that he wasn't sure that this would be alright. I was thinking that maybe after this, he could get me out of his system and move on. If he did, after that, after we shared a night together, I would probably be able to let him go. For the very least, I'd have a memory to hold on to. I would be able to say that for one night, Duke held me and I was his lover and we were in love. He parked in front of the door and I saw him hesitate.

"Duke, if you can't do it—"

"It's not that I don't want to, I really do, I want to give you all my love and so much more, but think about it, Serenity. You're taking me to bed. Will you be able to live with that if you decide that you don't want me in the future?"

"I won't have to, Duke. I'll always want you. I've always loved you, all this time. If it's not you, if I don't let you have me now, this decision would have been made for nothing. I have to give you everything, too, because I love you." His hand came to the side of my face and he kissed me, this one tender and sweet. He broke free and his eyes were dancing.

"Inside," he said.

My front door of my apartment closed behind us and he peeled my jacket off and took his with it, dropping it on the floor. His mouth found mine again and my hands were holding his face like his were holding my own. His hands left my face not long after and went for my shirt and he broke the kiss to get rid of it. His hands wondered lower to bring my legs around his waist and I put my arms around his neck. It occurred to me that he had done this before.

"Duke, am I..."

"You're my first, Serenity. I couldn't even think about myself with someone else."

"I...Same here," I admitted. His lips came onto mine again and he headed through the doorway nearby which lead into the living room.

"Where am I going?" he asked.

"Right." He continued the kiss and I felt one on his hands leave my legs to open the door. His hand returned and the door closed behind us, probably his foot closed it. A few more steps and I guessed he was at the foot of the bed.

"Let go," he said. I let go, trusting him not to let me get hurt and I fell shortly to the bed. My bed had no footboard so my legs ended up over the bed and he was bending over me, hands braced on either side of them. His shirt came off quickly and he went for his pants as well, but he stripped himself completely and stood before me completely unclothed. I could feel my face staining with blush. His body was beautiful but it was the first time that I'd ever seen a man completely naked before. His quick fingers were at the button of my jeans and removing them not long after and in seconds, the entire lower half of my body was uncovered before him. I felt so extremely embarrassed. I wanted so much to do this, but his staring made me feel so shy.

He chuckled.

"You're blushing so much. It's cute."

"I—I'm just embarrassed that you're staring so much," I confessed softly. He closed the space between us and bent over me, his hands searching behind me for the one thing left between us. Slowly, he worked it until it came free and threw it to the floor.

"But, you're so amazing," he replied, softly. His lips came to cover mine and his body was hard and heavy on mine, every line pressed hard against me. I could feel him and my body was liking it. It felt so amazing. His mouth moved to my neck and as his lips got their way there, I put my arms around his back, keeping him to me and keeping that sweet, seductive sensation of him tasting my skin. I knew I was rushing things, I knew it really wasn't like me, but I needed him to know I was telling the truth.

His fingers began brushing my stomach, moving to my chest, slowly feeling each peak and curve, rise and fall, like a blind man trying to find the picture of what it was before him. A sigh released from me and I thought that I'd never feel anything so wonderful in my life. I could feel the pressure of his hips intensifying above me and I wasn't interested in making him wait anymore. If he wanted me now, he would have me and I would be satisfied to have known his touch.

"Duke. Just take me now," I managed out. My breathing was sharpening. He didn't protest, didn't ask. He just stopped what he was doing and moved my legs apart with his hands.

Mai had told me once that the first time would hurt, that when whoever it was ripped my barrier, I would probably cry. I didn't want to think about how much it would hurt. He didn't need to know what I was feeling either. I would bear it, knowing that I had given him something almost as precious as my own life.

I felt him touch my waiting body right where he was to enter and just the sensation of the touch had me whimpering softly. His hands found mine and he intertwined his fingers with mine and gave my hand a squeeze. Slowly, he made his way in and my body was tight around his in an intoxicating way that made me give a soft cry. I was bracing myself for the pain, but all I could feel was him deep inside of me in a way that made pleasure look like the ultimate treasure. He went as deep as my body would let him but still there was no pain. Something was wrong.

"Duke, stop," I said, fighting hard against that wave of pure pleasing paradise.

"Is it terrible?"

"No."

"Then why should I stop?" He began to retreat and my body arched tightly against his, sound leaving my lips and body in the thrones of ecstasy.

"Don't." My body wanted it more than I wanted answers and I could certainly get those later. I wouldn't ruin this moment, possibly the only moment we would have together like this once I told him everything later. "Come to me." His rhythm was quick and his own groans could be heard in my ear. Every nerve, every cell was sent into overdrive, was immersed in a pool of pure wonder that I lost all my thought and all there was was the sensation of him taking me, mind, body and soul. Whatever had happened before, it couldn't have been as amazing as this.

Finally, we reached the liquid love extremes and the climax was deep in my bloodstream, going to every cell like a most potent and exquisite drug. His fingers squeezed mine and my arched body was in total nirvana, collided and conjoined with his in the most sensual way possible. The moment was long, thick and majestic and then slowly, he withdrew from me, ripping one last soft cry from my lips. He lay there with me after, panting, the hard lines of his body against mine and his breaths harmonising with mine. His hands came free of mine and came to wrap around me, hugging me tightly to himself. Then he rolled off me and moved up on the bed.

"Come join me," he said softly. I worked up enough energy to come beside him and his arm was around me once more, holding me to him as he was on his side. It could have been five or even ten minutes when we just stayed like that in silence.

"Serenity," he said tenderly. I looked up into his eyes and they were warm and affectionate. I lost myself in his gaze for a moment and then I closed my eyes for a brief second, knowing I had better tell him now rather than lose my resolve. I didn't want to break this fairy tale but I had no other choice. I would rather die than hurt Duke and lose him. It was a contradiction of the cruelest kind; either way he'd get hurt sometime.

"Duke, about my issue, I—"

A knock sounded at my door, causing me to break off. Just who could it be at this hour? It was nearly half eleven. I jumped off the bed and threw on a short robe and my underwear that was discarded on the floor and quickly headed to the door. Our clothes were strewn about and I picked them up as I went and threw them on the couch as I went. I nearly died when I saw just who was at the door. There was a half-smile on his face, not like the usual evil half-smile he wore, but a more genuine one, like it was nice to see me.

"Kaiba? What are you doing here?" I asked, confused.