Author's Note: Hey guys. Thanks for the awesome response to last chapter, as always, and I'm sorry I made you wait so long for this one. Last week was pretty crazy at school, and the first half of my Thanksgiving break has been super busy, too. Hoping to get the next one up fairly quickly, but after that it may get a LITTLE slower for two weeks as I go into finals and scripts and films being due. Still, keep up the great feedback and I'll get them out as fast as I can.

Song this chapter is "Break Myself" by Something Corporate. Amazing band and song. Enough rambling (not that I couldn't go into a rant about what a douche Booth was last week. Ugh). Enjoy!

Chapter 10

Break Myself

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say you're leaving
You say you're leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

Booth sat on a bench outside the hospital, his head low, holding his coat up and over him. It was raining, but Booth couldn't bring himself to stay inside. He was nervously waiting for a cab, casting frequent glances back at the entrance in case Bones came out looking for him.

It had taken a lot of insistences and a form saying he was leaving against medical advice, but Booth had gotten himself discharged within fifteen minutes of Brennan leaving the room.

He closed his eyes against the mental image of Bones returning to his hospital room to find it empty. He knew she'd be hurt, and still worried about him (another thing for him to feel guilty for).

But there'd been a certain clarity in this, in waking up at the hospital with no memory of how he got there, in being informed that he'd been found blacked out in a parking lot by a random neighbor, in finding out your blood alcohol level was a life threatening level…and especially in seeing Bones, still on crutches, hobbling into his hospital room looking terrified and guilty over him.

He'd hit rock bottom, and Booth had dealt Brennan enough blows...he'd be damned if he was going to drag her down with him.

Booth pulled the coat further up off his back, stretching it over his head like an umbrella, but the material was thin and soon he was soaked and shivering.

Adjusting the coat, Booth's eyes fell on the hospital ID bracelet on his wrist, and the sight of it made shame well in his chest.

Things had to change. That much he knew now…the clarity had given him at least that.

Still, when his cab pulled up and Booth ducked quickly into it, out of the rain, he heard himself telling the driver to stop by one of the all night liquor stores.

~(B*B)~

Thanks to her crutches, Brennan wasn't able to run around the hospital looking for Booth. It took her long enough to check the rooms on that floor. When she didn't find him, Brennan stood in his tiny, empty room until the doctor who'd came to get her walked by.

Booth, apparently had himself discharged early. Against medical advice, he'd gone home.

It didn't surprise Brennan, not after his earlier insistences. It hurt, that he so badly didn't want her help, but Brennan tucked that pain away with rest of it, to that hidden, compartmentalized part of herself.

Instead, she only felt fear.

Brennan called a cab as well. It was after four a.m., but she couldn't bring herself to give up yet.

She gave the driver Booth's address.

~(B*B)~

Booth didn't remember much before waking up in the hospital…he remembered reading Bones' statement in the file (much as he wished he could forget it), and going to the bar, then leaving the bar for home…

Beyond that, there were a lot of blank spaces.

So he was momentarily surprised when he swung open his apartment door to find utter destruction.

He glanced at the clock. It was late, but this wasn't the kind of mess that could be ignored…shards of glass covered most of the floor , so pain was waiting for Booth anywhere he stepped.

He set down the two six packs he'd gotten (the only thing he'd allowed himself to purchase, an improvement at least) and gingerly moved across the room to get a broom.

Gripping the handle of the broom, Booth surveyed the mess, unsure of where to even start. Flashes of the evening came back to him and he stared down at his hands, finally understanding the numerous slices to his skin.

Self-revulsion nearly choked him again as Booth thought of Brennan taking his hands, so worried, and how he hadn't been able to answer her question about them because he hadn't known.

As he begun sweeping aside the evidence of his last drunken rage, Booth ripped a beer from the six pack and wrenched it open, leaving the rest in their bag on the counter.

So fifteen minutes later, when Brennan knocked twice on his door and then, when he didn't answer, she opened it herself , only to find him sweeping shards into a large pile of broken glass, one hand on the broom and the other gripping his beer.

The lecture she'd prepared on the way over, on how it was irresponsible of him to leave the hospital before they were ready to discharge him, and how it was ridiculous for him to expect her to stay away after what happened last time he'd been left on his own, left Brennan the second she got a look at the scene in front of her.

Her face crumpling, Brennan's eyes snapped to Booth's, who was looking horrified at her sudden presence. "Booth…"

"You shouldn't be here," Booth told her roughly.

"Booth-" She stepped tentatively, awkwardly sweeping aside glass with her crutches so she could plant them firmly on the floor.

"I don't want you to see this, Bones, okay, please, just go…"

She ignored him, inching one of her crutches ahead to clear a path to him.

When Booth protested again, his voice was louder and harsher than he meant for it to be. "Just, stop, Bones, okay? Stop it! And don't come any closer, you're going to hurt yourself."

They both froze, staring at each other, and Booth shivered.

It was an apt warning.

Brennan broke the stalemate, breaking the gaze as her eyes flickered from the bottle in Booth's hand to two six packs on the table, still in bags.

"You nearly died," Brennan said in a low, tight voice. "Hours ago, you nearly died of alcohol poisoning, and now…" She bit down on her lip, physically cutting off the rest of her statement.

Booth followed her eyes, his shoulders slumping. He knew what she was thinking, but Brennan wouldn't accuse him of anything, wouldn't even suggest it. She knew more than most how that would hurt him.

Slowly, deliberately, he put the beer down. "I'm gonna work on it."

"You don't have to do that by yourself."

"I can't ask you for help, Bones," Booth said quietly.

"You aren't asking," Brennan retorted, using the tone that suggested she thought she was spouting indisputable logic. "I'm offering. There's an obvious difference-"

"Bones…" He exhaled slowly. Booth didn't know how to do this without hurting her. "Look at you, you…you've been through a lot-"

"I'm fine," Brennan gritted out stubbornly. "You were the one most recently hospitalized."

"Yeah, and it was my own stupid fault, Bones." Frustration swelling, Booth hurled the broom handle away. "Look around. This, this…" He waved a hand vaguely at the ruin of the living room. "…is what I do, this is what happens around me now."

Brennan frowned; something in her chest had seized up, a strange sort of panic descending. "I don't follow your reasoning."

Booth sighed, shaking his head. He clenched his hand at his side, resisting the urge to reach for his beer. "Bones, you…you said you've needed a break from me." She opened her mouth to protest, but Booth rushed on before Brennan could speak. "And I get that. I don't blame you. I think…I think it's a good idea."

Dragging her gaze away, it took Brennan a moment before she could speak. "Booth, I never…I never wanted…" She swallowed, her fingers tightening around the cool metal of her crutches. "I wasn't aware that Hannah left, I didn't know you were alone and…it's understandable that you would be having a difficult time since she left-"

"What?" Booth's head snapped up, and he gave Brennan a hard, blazing look. "You think…all this...it's because of Hannah?"

Brennan looked surprised at the ferocity of his tone. "I…the logical progression of events suggests-"

He was walking toward her, glass crunching beneath his feet. Not once did his gaze waver, the intensity of it making it momentarily difficult for Brennan to breathe. "Bones. This is not about Hannah leaving me. It's…it's about…it's about what kind of guy I turned into, it's about how I treated you for five months…it's about what almost happened to you because of that." He reached out, placing his hand over one of hers, which was still clenched around the crutch, as though this was enough of an indication.

Brennan stared up at him, suddenly fighting tears.

"This…all this didn't start because Hannah left me," Booth continued softly. "Hannah left me because all this started. She left." Brennan reached for him, but Booth leaned away, and he pulled the hand covering hers back as he did. "She had the right idea, Bones. I'm not good for anyone right now."

Brennan was already shaking her head, but Booth turned around and walked away, not waiting to hear what argument she came up with. He picked up the abandoned broom and beer, lowering his eyes and saying again, "You should go."

They stared at each other, at an impasse. Booth recognized the stubborn glint in Brennan's eye, but she said nothing. Perhaps she had run out of arguments.

"Bones. Please." He moved behind her to open the door, and as he did, Booth made a move toward the bags of beer, still sitting on the counter.

In spite of her crutches, Brennan was closer, and she reached for the two bags with one hand.

One she managed to grab. The other bag Booth got a hand on, as well, and the opposing momentums sent it crashing to the ground.

Brennan froze instantly, the tinkling of broken glass in her ears, watching the growing pool of beer pool onto the floor. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize. Ever," Booth murmured automatically. Slowly, he dragged his gaze from the mess on the floor to meet Brennan's eyes.

He could see, then, that he was fighting a losing battle. Brennan's eyes, that brilliant depthless blue that still made his heart turn over, were swirling with equal parts concern and stubbornness.

She hadn't moved toward the door.

He'd blamed her, to an extent, for running last year, going off to the Mapoopo Islands or whatever the hell they were called…conveniently forgetting that he'd been running just as fast in the opposite direction.

When you got down to it…Bones had never given up on him.

He clearly wasn't going to convince her to do it now.

Booth reached out and curled his thumb under her chin, gently. "You should go get some sleep…"

"I'm not leaving you alone, Booth, no matter how much you insist-"

"Okay," he cut her off. "I get it. But you've been up all night." He touched her hand, the one tightened around the still intact six pack. "You can take that. I don't need it…" Brennan opened her mouth to say something, but Booth continued before she could speak, "How about we go to the diner later tonight?"

Brennan looked hesitant, but after a moment she nodded. "Really?"

"Really. We'll talk, okay? Get some pie," He flashed her a small, dim smile. "It'll be good."

The ghost of a smile flickered across Brennan's face. "Yeah. Good."

"I'll call you, alright? Later today."

Brennan nodded and finally, she turned and hobbled out the door, awkwardly hooking the bag with the beer through her wrist, to where her cab was still waiting.

Booth watched her go, his mouth bitter with the taste of his lies.

~(B*B)~

Slinking low in the back of the cab, Brennan glanced at her watch and grimaced.

She was supposed to be at work in a few hours.

Typically, Brennan had no problem skipping a full night's sleep; certain cases often required it. But her physical therapy, as well as the medication she still had to take, made fatigue a much more pressing concern lately.

She decided to at least grab a few hours of sleep, but for some reason the thought of facing Angela and Hodgins wasn't particularly appealing.

For the first time in a month, Brennan went to her own apartment to sleep.

~(B*B)~

She was only half an hour late for work, but when Brennan got to the lab, the platform was empty. Confused, she wandered into her office to find the entire team, including Sweets, gathered inside.

Brennan stopped in the doorway, surprised by the crowd.

For a moment, everyone stared at Brennan, expectantly. When it became clear she didn't know what they were expecting, Cam voiced the question, "How's Booth?"

Brennan slid her gaze away as she walked to her desk, taking her time before answering. "Booth is…he's okay. He's home now, so…"

They kept watching her. Finally, Angela said, "That's good, then."

Cam shook her head. "I still can't believe this…"

At that, they were off, talking over top of each about the absurdity of what Booth had done, speculating as to when it started, or the timing of his break up with Hannah.

"Did he just started drinking more after she left?"

"Well, he showed up at the house drunk, but we don't know if that was before or after…"

"No, he was pretty far gone when I saw him at the bar, when he was living in a hotel…they definitely hadn't broken up yet then…"

"And the night we went out when Bren got discharged…"

The conversation swirled around Brennan, pulsing in her ears without really sinking in.

Suddenly her voice, fierce but shaking, cut sharply through the discussion, stopping them all. "Actually, you know what? What I said, it…it was erroneous. Booth is not okay, he…he had a dangerously high blood alcohol level, he could have…he could have died." Her voice cracked, and Brennan stood up, giving them all a hard, blazing look. "So, no. He is not okay and none of us…none of us noticed."

Silence hovered, guilt etched on the four faces in front of Brennan.

"We should've been there," Cam acknowledged in a low voice. "We should've checked up on him…"

"Bren," Angela pointed out gently, "Those lunches, and dinner the other night…we thought you didn't want him there."

"I…I didn't but…I never said you had to take a break from him, too," she shot back. Her eyes swept Cam, Hodgins and Sweets. "You were all working cases with him for weeks!"

"Yeah, we…we sent him results is all," Hodgins said.

"With you out as his partner, Booth's lab visits were even less frequent than usual," Cam told her patiently.

"And they were already pretty infrequent," Hodgins added.

"You aren't the only one he's distanced himself from lately, Sweetie," Angela told her gently.

Brennan ducked her head, staring hard at her hands, twined together on top of her desk. She could feel the beginning prickling of tears, and she gritted her teeth.

"I didn't know there was a problem," Cam was admitting, her voice pained.

"Me, either," Sweets added. "He was at work every day, and even when he told me Hannah left him it was pretty casual…"

"I guess after everything that happened we should have known he'd be having a hard time…" Angela acknowledged.

"He could've come to us for help-"

"He thinks everyone hates him," Brennan interrupted coldly. They all looked at her again; she was obviously fighting back tears, but her face was set, melded into an expression of fury. "He…he thinks…" Booth's words in the hospital last night came back to her, and Brennan parroted them. "…he doesn't think he deserves anyone, that all he does is hurt people."

No one seemed to know what to say to that. After a long, tense moment, Cam murmured, "But that's…that isn't true at all."

Brennan's throat narrowed, and she clenched her jaw. Suddenly dangerously close to crying, she forced out, "I…I have work to do. Please just…go."

"Bren-"

"Just get out!" Brennan couldn't keep the anger from sweeping into her tone. The others exchanged looks, and Hodgins, Cam and Sweets obediently stood up to leave.

Angela, though, was more stubborn. She folded her arms, staying where she was on the couch.

"I mean it, Ange, you should go."

Ignoring her, Angela trained her gaze on her best friend, who was determinedly not looking up. "You didn't do anything wrong, Sweetie. This wasn't your fault."

Angela had so correctly seen the guilt beneath Brennan's anger and accusations that it nearly broke her. A sob rounded in Brennan's throat, and she sucked her lower lip between her teeth, clamping her mouth shut to keep it back.

She didn't trust herself to speak right now, so Brennan couldn't give Angela all the reasons she was wrong. Brennan couldn't make herself remind Angela that she'd known something was wrong, weeks ago, when they'd first found out Booth was drinking….yet she had done nothing.

So Angela stood and came around to Brennan's desk, giving her a quick sideways hug that Brennan didn't return.

"Bren, just, please…try really hard to believe me."

~(B*B)~

Booth woke up on the couch in the early afternoon. The broom was beside him on the floor, and most of the glass was now in various piles around the room.

The scent of beer hit him, faint but undeniable and Booth shuddered a little, his throat rough and dry.

He glanced at the clock. It was after two, and within a few hours he was supposed to call Bones about meeting at the diner.

But he wouldn't be doing that.

She couldn't accept letting him go. He knew no matter how much he explained it to her, Brennan would have some logical explanation as to why he was wrong. He couldn't beat her, would never be able to convince her that she was better off without him.

So he had to get away.

The more he thought about it, the calmer Booth became. It wasn't just about getting away from Bones, protecting her from the train wreck that was his life…it was about removing himself from the wreckage.

Here in DC, the mess was piling up. He couldn't turn around with tripping over it. The squints, Parker, Hannah, Bones…one bad decision, one casualty after another.

He had to go somewhere else if he wanted to put himself back together without ruining them more.

So Booth made a few phone calls, packed some bags, and loaded his car. Then he wrote a short note to Bones and stood, uncertain, clutching it in his hand.

The note was because he couldn't call her, couldn't try to argue with her again. But he couldn't just not call her and disappear…after last night, she'd think the worst.

Luckily, he still knew her so well. Booth knew what Bones would do when he never called…she'd call him several times (he wouldn't answer), and then she would come to his apartment. She'd knock and he wouldn't answer, so she'd let herself in.

So Booth grabbed the key from the fake rock she'd scoffed at years ago and instead stuffed the small note inside.

Then, when it was late enough, he drove to see Rebecca.

~(B*B)~

"You ready to go?"

Angela leaned against the frame Brennan's door, quirking her lips in a tentative half smile. For the most part, they'd left Brennan alone since her outburst this morning, and she'd been relieved for the escape of her empty office.

"You and Hodgins go ahead," Brennan said, not looking up from the file in front of her.

"Bren, come on, you can't start this working all night thing again…"

"I'm not…" Brennan sighed, and finally lifted her head to look at Angela. "Booth and I are going to dinner. To talk. I assume once he calls me he'll come by and give me a ride."

"Great!" Angela said, shooting Brennan an encouraging smile. "That's really good, Sweetie."

Brennan nodded noncommittally.

"So I'll see you at home later?"

"Sure." Brennan hesitated, then stopped Angela just as she was about to duck out. "Ange? I…I'm sorry about earlier. It's not….none of you are to blame for what happened to Booth."

Angela's eyes went soft around the edges. "Neither are you."

Brennan didn't respond, and after a moment Angela simply waved goodbye and left her alone.

~(B*B)~

The door in front of him swung open and then Rebecca was in front of him, her face impassive.

"Parker's at soccer practice."

"I know," Booth told her, his expression earnest. "I was just…hoping I could talk to you." He paused, then clarified unnecessarily. "About the other day. And…some other stuff?"

Rebecca sighed. "Come on in."

Ten minutes later, Booth was sitting across from his ex at the kitchen table, an untouched mug of coffee in front of him. Rebecca was staring at him, having just heard a basic explanation of what happened with Greg Thomas, Hannah, and Bones.

"…anyway, I…obviously I haven't been handling it very well. What almost happened to Bones especially." He rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. He was simplifying the issue, but Booth couldn't go through it all again: the five months leading up to the kidnapping, what he'd said to Bones before she'd been taking, all the reasoning behind her sacrifice…Rebecca didn't need to know all that.

Apparently, though, the bare minimum was enough.

"Seeley, I…I'm sorry. That's…I can't even imagine."

"I'm not trying to make excuses," Booth told her sincerely. "I screwed up. There's no way to apologize for that. The thing is…I've been screwing up a lot lately and I…I need to fix things. So I'm going to just take some time to…get away and straighten myself out."

Slowly, Rebecca nodded. "How long?"

"A few weeks, I think. Maybe more. However long it takes. I'm just a phone call away, so if you or Parks need anything..."

"I'll call," Rebecca studied him for a moment, her features slowly softening. "You'll be okay, Seeley."

He gave her a faint smile. "I hope so." Then, "Can I pick Parker up from practice? So I can have a chance to talk to him about everything?"

Rebecca agreed surprisingly easy, and they talked for a few more minutes, discussing the specifics of Booths' spontaneous plan, and then he left to pick up his son.

~(B*B)~

The lab had been empty for over an hour when Brennan finally called Booth herself.

There was no answer.

Another hour passed. She called two more times.

Even as she inwardly acknowledged that Booth rarely stayed at his office in the Hoover this late, Brennan waited another hour before she forced herself to call Angela and admit that he wasn't coming.

~(B*B)~

As she got into the passenger seat of Angela's car, unable to look at the sympathetic expression in her best friend's eyes, all Brennan could think of was Booth cleaning up that glass, still drinking as he did so.

She thought of how he'd been found in the parking lot of his apartment building last night, how if he'd stayed inside instead of wandered out, Booth would have been dead before anyone found him.

A fist closing around her throat, Brennan demanded, "Take me to his apartment."

For a moment, Angela looked confused by the vehemence in her voice, but then her eyes darkened. "Sure, we'll go right there."

Brennan sat silently on the short drive to Booth's, a knot of fear tightening in her throat. Angela pulled up at the curb of Booth's building. The car had barely rolled to a stop before Brennan flung open her door and headed inside.

A full minute of constant knocking yielded no response, and after a moment of frustration, Brennan's eyes fell on Booth's hide-a-key rock. Thankful for his poor decoy system, Brennan leaned her crutches against the wall and knelt down.

Instead of the key she was expecting though, Brennan found a white piece of paper, folded multiple times to fit it into the plastic rock.

Her name, Bones, was scrawled in shaky, miniscule writing across one of the folds.

Fingers trembling, Brennan pulled apart the note. It was short, vague, obviously left there only so she wouldn't think something terrible had happened.

Bones,

I'm okay. Don't worry. I just need to get away for awhile, get some distance…I want to figure out if it's still possible to put things back together. I'm sorry I didn't call you tonight, and that I didn't tell you I was leaving. I'm sorry for so many things.

~Booth

She read it three more times, until a tear dripped from her eye onto the paper. Brennan wiped it away, smudging the ink, bits of Booth's goodbye bleeding onto her fingers.

~(B*B)~

Booth's phone was off in the seat beside him. From the moment he'd missed the first call from Brennan, on his way to pick up Parker, he'd had to keep it off.

He didn't want another reason to think of Brennan, expecting his call, waiting for him. And most of all, he didn't want to picture her face when she realized he'd gone.

It wasn't a long drive and soon Booth was standing on a porch, double checking the address on the Post-It in his hand, and ringing the doorbell.

After a moment, there were footsteps, and then the door swung open to reveal the grinning face in front of him. "Hey, big brother."

Booth shifted the bags on his shoulder. "You sure this is okay? I mean, is Padme-"

"It's fine, don't even worry about it. Besides…sounds like you need the vacation." Jared clapped a hand on Booth's shoulder. "Come on in."

A/N: Okay, so that was a little shorter. But that should help me update faster. So yay. Like I said, things are getting pretty busy next week (term papers, editing, etc.) But I'll definitely need the fanfic break. So keep doing what you're doing and I'll update as muh as possible (though with this one, I'm hoping to have another chapter up by the end of my break, i.e. this week).

Thanks for being patient with me! You guys are awesome.