A/N - I'm updating this more than I thought I would. I find this story very easy to write, it just kind of flows naturally out of my brain and onto the computer, so typing up the chapters doesn't take much time. I'm still working on my other two fics, so no promises about regular updates. Hope you guys enjoy!
Unbeta'd, so ignore the typos. Reviews are loooooved! So, if you give me some, I'll give you virtual hugs from Friendship Duck. (He's my muse)
'In the flames you tried so hard to extinguish with fear of failing.'
Love: In Theory and Practice - Chapter 3
Heartkiller
"Are you sure I look alright?" Naruto asked for what seemed the twentieth time. Sasuke just rolled his eyes as the blonde fidgeted. He looked fine.
In fact, he looked more than fine.
Leave it to Sakura to make her an engagement party an over-the-top black tie event. Naruto hadn't had a tuxedo, so Sasuke had lent him one. It was a little tight on Naruto, as the blonde was more broad across the shoulders than Sasuke, but that only seemed to add to the affect.
Sasuke took a deep breath as he pushed open the door to the hotel Sakura's party was being held at. The lobby was brightly lit and bustling with eager employees. Sasuke ignored the unashamed stares he was getting from many of the women and rounded a corner to find the large ballroom. He didn't have to check to know Naruto was following him, the blonde seemed to follow him everywhere.
The ballroom was filled with people Hundreds of them, dancing, laughing, eating and enjoying the splendor of the event. He spotted Sakura at a long table on the far side of the room, sitting next to Kakashi. He veered through the crowds toward them, trying to ignore the shoulders that accidentally brushed his.
"Sasuke!" Sakura exclaimed when she saw him, jumping to her feet and pulling him into a hug. He grimaced at the contact. "It's about time you showed up!"
Her bright pink hair seemed even brighter because of the hot pink gown she was wearing. It was done in elegant curls and bounced as she released him, her green eyes sparkling. "And this must be Naruto." She said, glancing past Sasuke to the fidgeting blonde.
"Nice to meet you." Naruto said, grinning at her and scratching the back of his head. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the slight blush that colored Naruto's cheeks. Deciding to ignore it, he held the gift he had in his hands out to Sakura. She eyed it warily for a moment before accepting it, a grin breaking across her face. "Are you going to stand there all night, or are you going to sit?"
Sasuke didn't comment as he sat down next to Kakashi, who hadn't bothered taking off his mask for event. He had, however, exchanged his customary blue for a black one. It covered the lower half of his face mysteriously and every time Sasuke saw it, it made him roll his eyes.
Naruto was talking seated on the other side of Sakura, who was chatting merrily with him. The blonde seemed to have an easy social grace about him. It was like he got along with everyone he met. He laughed loudly at something Sakura said and Sasuke felt an odd emotion stab at his chest.
In the hour or so that passed, many people made their way to the table to offer their congratulations to the happy couple. Sakura, being the more social of the two, handled all of the conversation. Kakashi had pulled out a book with a bright cover and started reading it at the table, as if bored by the proceedings. Sasuke snorted. If he had dared do that, Sakura would have killed him.
Apparently Sakura had known Naruto's manager Ino from high school, and once they found they had something in common, she and Naruto seemed to hit it off. Sasuke kept glancing at his watch, counting the minutes that passed by and wondering how long he had to stay before it would be considered appropriate if he left.
"Sasuke!" Sakura said, leaning over Kakashi to talk to him. The silver-haired man paid no attention to this, repositioning his book and continuing to read. "Why didn't you tell me Naruto was so funny?"
Sasuke snorted. It wasn't like it had been Sakura's first encounter with Naruto, as she had obviously seen him at work. If she had ever wanted to know anything about him, she could have easily found out herself.
Eventually, Naruto pulled Sakura by the hand to the dance floor. She and Kakashi had only danced once since Sasuke had gotten there and it didn't seem that they were going to again. Kakashi didn't really seem like the dancing kind of guy.
People clapped as Sakura and Naruto moved gracefully around one another, dancing lively to an upbeat song. Sasuke scanned the many faces of the crowd. There were more people he didn't know than people he did. He spotted Hyuuga Neji, who had been his roommate in college, but didn't make the effort to go and talk to him. He didn't want to explain why he'd stopped talking to the brunette so suddenly.
Every time a woman approached Sasuke for a dance, he sent them running away with his glare. He had no desire to dance with anyone and after the first few women, the message should have been made quite clear, but they kept coming to the table. A few were even audacious enough to try and pull him to the dance floor by the hand, the scathing comments they had received from him sent them away in tears.
"That's not a very good way to make friends." Kakashi said without looking up from his book. Sasuke had just sent a particularly annoying blonde girl away with a few choice words. He glared at Kakashi.
"Who wants to make friends?" He shot back. Kakashi always had a way of making things personal and Sasuke didn't like it.
"Apparently you do." He sounded bored as he flipped a page of his book. "Or at least, that's what Sakura tells me."
Sasuke turned to glare at his pink-haired friend but his eyes widened instead. She was still dancing with Naruto, only to a slow song this time. Her arms were around his shoulders and her head rested on his chest. Naruto was grinning while he talked, his chin on her head.
Something inside of Sasuke snapped.
There were too many people around. It was too loud. The lights were too bright. The music too grating. He couldn't quite pin point what it was, but his chest constricted and he nearly choked on the feeling that rose in his throat. He got to his feet and headed for the door, ignoring the glares he was getting as he pushed through the crowd of people.
He was leaving. He was sure Naruto would be able to find his own way home once he was ready to leave.
The cold air assaulted his face as he stepped outside. He stopped and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to try and calm the feeling burning in his chest. His eyes smarted from the harsh wind and his hands were shaking.
What was he doing?
There was a reason he stayed away from people, a reason he didn't get close. A reason he holed himself up in his apartment and only left when forced.
He wasn't like them.
He wasn't carefree and happy. He wasn't content to have his days fly by spent in the good company of others. He was different.
He took off on foot as he mentally bashed himself for getting into this situation. Why had he agreed to go to a movie with Naruto? If he got close to the blonde it would only hurt more when Naruto got fed up with him and decided to end whatever social dance they'd been doing together. He didn't want to be attached to someone, didn't want to experience the sense of loss when they left. He wanted to be cold and detached, indifferent to everyone and everything. The only people he wanted to know were the characters in his novels, because they couldn't leave, couldn't abandon him.
He should have known he was going to react like this. Bringing Naruto had been a bad idea. He never should have invited him.
Because just seeing Naruto dancing with Sakura had made Sasuke feel like another thing was being taken away from him.
"Sasuke!" Sasuke's back stiffened as he stopped, surprised. He turned slightly to look at Naruto, who was bent over with his hands on his knees, panting for breath. "Wait." Naruto said, holding up a hand.
Sasuke didn't. He turned around and kept walking, quickening his pace. It was better for Naruto get the picture now than wait and realize what Sasuke was like later.
A hand closed around his arm and Naruto yanked him to a stop. Sasuke scowled at the blonde who glared right back at him. "What?" He spat.
"Why did you leave?" Naruto's expression softened to one of hurt and confusion at Sasuke's harsh tone.
"Because I wanted to. Let me go." Sasuke demanded, trying to pull his arm out of Naruto's grip. He growled as the blonde's hand tightened on his elbow.
"What is your problem?" Naruto demanded, stepping closer to Sasuke. Sasuke went to step back but Naruto grabbed his lapel, keeping him in place. Sasuke felt panic rising in his throat at the invasion of his personal space.
"Right now," Sasuke growled. "My problem is the blonde idiot who won't let go of my arm." He tried to yank his arm out of Naruto's grip again, but it was pointless. The blonde wasn't going to let him go.
"Since when did I become a problem?" Naruto's expression was defensive as his blue eyes met Sasuke's narrowed black ones. "I thought we were friends."
"You thought wrong." Naruto's grip lessened in surprise and Sasuke yanked his arm away. "Leave me alone." He said, turning around to walk away.
"Why would I?" Naruto followed him, bristling. "Something is obviously wrong." Naruto fell angrily into step beside Sasuke but didn't try to touch him again, much to Sasuke's relief.
When Sasuke didn't say anything, Naruto kept talking. "I don't see how we aren't friends. We hang out, bicker, and see each other on an almost daily basis. That's what friends do."
"We're not friends because I don't want to be friends with you. Stop following me." He ordered, glaring at Naruto.
"You didn't seem that opposed to it the other day." Naruto pointed out, raising an eyebrow at Sasuke. The corner of his mouth was twitching slightly, as if he was fighting a smile. Sasuke failed to see when the conversation had taken a humorous turn.
"That was then and this is now." Sasuke fought to keep the hostile tone in his voice. He was suddenly very tired and wanted nothing more than crawl in his bed and sleep for a week. He sighed in frustration and ran a cold hand through his hair. He should have worn gloves today. "I'm not very good with people." He found himself admitting, too tired to fight anymore.
Naruto's expression softened even further at the tone in Sasuke's voice and his cobalt eyes danced with affection. Sasuke grimaced as Naruto grinned. He didn't like being looked at like that.
Naruto shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket and tilted his head toward the sky. "Yeah, I kind of got that impression." He said lightly.
Sasuke grunted, confused by the turn the conversation had taken. He had wanted to fend Naruto off, not spill his secrets.
But he was tired, and uncomfortable in the tux and just didn't care anymore.
"Well, that's okay." Naruto continued, still looking up at the gray night skies of winter. "Because I am good with people."
Sasuke snorted at the comment, but a smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth at the conceited declaration. Naruto had unwittingly calmed him down, and while Sasuke didn't know how to feel about that, he was a little grateful for it. It didn't change his mind though. Sasuke knew himself better than anyone and that fact was depressing.
He didn't want to drag Naruto down.
"Sasuke." Naruto stopped suddenly. Sasuke turned to stare at him, meeting eyes alight with determination and purpose. He arched an eyebrow. "I know you don't like people. I know you're closed off and anti-social or whatever." Naruto paused slightly as if searching for the right words. "I knew all of that before I asked you to go to the art showing, but it didn't change my mind. I wanted you to be my friend, and now that you are..." Naruto took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly, before staring Sasuke square in the eye with an expression he didn't recognize. "I'm not going to let you run away." Naruto deadpanned. "So you should get used to me, because I'm not going anywhere."
Sasuke's eyes widened slightly and he gaped a bit, taken by surprise. It was like the blonde knew all of his insecurities and was trying to comfort him. That was impossible, since they'd only been speaking for less than ten days, but the tight feeling in Sasuke's chest unclenched.
"Idiot." He breathed quietly, smirking despite himself.
Days flew by, turning into weeks which turned into months as Sasuke and Naruto settled into an easy routine. It wasn't uncommon for Sasuke to walk into his own apartment and find Naruto sprawled on his couch watching television. The blonde had swiped Sasuke's spare key sometime in February and made himself right at home.
No, the blonde was so comfortable in Sasuke's apartment that the spare bedroom practically belonged to him. Naruto had even convinced Sasuke to let him paint the walls orange, after much arguing. There were art supplies scattered around the unorganized room and clothes all over the floor. Sasuke didn't even bother going in there anymore, preferring not to see the mess.
Nor was it uncommon for Sasuke to be seen sitting at a booth in Nine-Tails waiting for the blonde to get off work so they could go do whatever outrageous activity Naruto had planned for that night.
Sasuke had met Naruto's roommate – Shikamaru – along with Naruto's guardian Iruka. He'd also become more acquainted with the quiet Hinata and had immediately been annoyed when he met the loud brunette named Kiba. He was on speaking terms with Ino, Naruto's boss, who had gotten back in contact with Sakura after the engagement party. The two often went shopping together, picking out different things for Sakura's wedding in May.
Naruto had drug Sasuke along to different college events as he excitedly introduced him to his wide circle of friends. Sasuke had put up with this, as it seemed to delight Naruto, but wasn't particularly close to any of the people he had met.
Sasuke was only close to Naruto.
There was an unspoken agreement between them that Naruto wouldn't ask about Sasuke's anxiety problems and he wouldn't try to pry into Naruto's mysterious past. It kept most conversation between them superficial, but their bond was undeniable. Naruto drug Sasuke with him everywhere and Sasuke pretended he didn't want to go. It's the way they worked.
Sakura had made quite a few jokes about Naruto being Sasuke's soul mate. The blonde was everything Sasuke was not. Loud, bright, cheery, obnoxious and stubborn. They complimented each other, making up for what the other lacked. They also defended each other when things got dramatic – which they tended to do, as Naruto was still in college – and somebody was insulting the other.
Sasuke found that Naruto had become his muse. When he didn't see the blonde for a few days, his writing came to a screeching halt, much to his annoyance. He never discussed his writing with people, but it had become greatly influenced by Naruto as they spent time with each other.
He was taking his meds less and less as he grew used to Naruto's company. Things became routine and that part in the back of Sasuke's mind that was filled with paranoia shut up after a while. Sasuke's life had changed more significantly than he would ever admit because of the sun-kissed blonde boy. So much that he found the nights he had to spend alone in his apartment not only uncomfortable – but unnatural.
It was a night like any other that everything seemed to change.
Sasuke was sitting on the couch with his laptop, working his way through yet another revision of his novel and Naruto was on the floor with his homework spread out around him. It was a comfortable slience, Naruto tapped his pencil on his textbook and the clicking noises of Sasuke's typing filled the air.
"What do you think Sakura sees in Kakashi?" Naruto asked, breaking the silence suddenly. Sasuke looked up from his screen to see Naruto with his pencil in his mouth, a contemplative expression on his face.
"I wouldn't know. Why?" Sasuke returned his attention to his computer, glaring a sentence that just didn't want to piece together. He didn't need to look up to know when Naruto shrugged.
"I don't know." He said slowly. "I just think they don't fit together very well, you know?" Sasuke snorted. They had an age difference of over ten years, so it was indeed a strange match, but he didn't understand Naruto's curiosity.
"I just see her with someone brighter, you know?" Naruto continued. "Younger and more like her. She's loud and vivacious and Kakashi is just old and weird."
Something clicked in Sasuke's brain and he looked up at Naruto.
"You like Sakura?" His voice was harsh as he asked the question, but he didn't understand why. It wasn't like it particularly mattered who Naruto fancied, as the blonde's mind tended to change a lot about things that weren't serious.
Naruto shrugged and grinned at him sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess." He said, scratching the back of his head. His blonde hair was sticking up in every direction from him laying on the floor.
As if Naruto had turned a key, something inside of Sasuke unlocked and burst forth. A string of mental images of Naruto with Sakura flew through his mind. Naruto and Sakura dating, Naruto and Sakura kissing, Naruto and Sakura moving in together...
The ridiculously orange guest room of his apartment empty.
A rage brewed inside of Sasuke, making his vision go red and his veins sear white-hot as the mental images continued. Naruto and Sakura married, Naruto and Sakura with kids, Naruto and Sakura forgetting all about him...
"It's not like it could ever happen though." Naruto continued, completely ignorant of the change in Sasuke's mental state. "I mean, she seems to be head over heels for Kakashi and everything. I've never been the kind of guy to get in the middle of people if they're happy."
Sasuke wrapped his arms around his stomach and clenched his fists tightly, trying to focus on breathing as his thoughts got out of control. Why had Naruto even come into his life if it was just going to end like this? Did he think he could just spend all this time with Sasuke and the leave him behind for bigger and better things? How long had he liked Sakura? Was that why kept hanging around with Sasuke after the engagement party?
"Sasuke?" Naruto was standing next to him, a concerned look on his face. He crouched down so he was on eye level with Sasuke, bringing their faces close together. "Are you okay?"
Naruto's scent flooded Sasuke's nostrils but it wasn't comforting like it normally was. The blonde always smelled like citrus and sunlight. It was a smell Sasuke knew well from the many times he'd been forced to do Naruto's laundry.
"Sasuke?" Naruto's voice had gone up a few pitches in worry. "Do you need your meds? Are you okay? Hey! Sasuke!" Naruto shook his shoulder. Sasuke jerked to his feet, sending Naruto tumbling into the coffee table. Naruto blinked up at him with wide blue eyes.
"Get out." Sasuke bit out. His teeth were clenched and his hands fisted. His entire frame vibrating with rage. "Get out now."
"Sasuke?!" Naruto pulled himself to his feet, surprised and confused. "What did I do?"
Sasuke grabbed Naruto by the elbow and drug him to the door. He didn't even look as the blonde as he pushed him out into the hallway. He didn't care about the hurt expression he'd see on Naruto's face.
If Naruto was going to move on, Sasuke may as well give him the push he needed.
"Sasu-" Sasuke slammed the door in Naruto's face and locked it. He slid down the steady surface behind him until he was on the floor. He put his head between his knees and tried to even out his breathing, trying not hyperventilate.
The rational side of his brain told him he was being absurd. Naruto had said himself that nothing would ever happen between him and Sakura. Sakura was getting married in a month. Naruto was young and foolish and changed his mind all the time. Nothing to panic about.
Naruto would never leave him behind.
But the other side of Sasuke's brain, the side fueled by emotion and uncertainty stomped on all of his rational thoughts.
Naruto was going to leave him, just like he'd always known he would And if he hadn't been going to before, he definitely was going to after that little episode. It was broken now. The friendship he and Naruto had was broken.
Sasuke pounded his fist onto the cold linoleum of his floor, relaxing as pain shot from his wrist up his arm. He didn't want this. He didn't want any of this. He didn't want anyone to know Naruto the way he knew Naruto. He didn't want anyone else to find out that Naruto's eyes twitched when he was lying, or that he kissed whatever was within five feet of him when drunk. He didn't want other people to get used to Naruto's smile, to take it for granted the way Sasuke had started to.
He didn't want anyone else to have Naruto.
An hour or so later, Sasuke drug himself to bed. The house that would usually have been filled with the sound of Naruto cooking – he was and excellent cook – and listening to music around this time was dead silent. The gray walls felt more like a box that was trying to trap Sasuke in it. Sasuke closed his eyes and pulled the blankets over his head, pinching his eyes shut and begging sleep to come and take away the weird emotions that were still alive and well within him.
He wondered when it was that he had gone from seeing Naruto as his friend to his possession. Sasuke realized as he lay there, counting the minutes that ticked by, that for some time now he'd viewed Naruto as simply his. Like a belonging more than a person.
That made guilt rise in Sasuke's chest. He bit his lip and glanced over at his clock. He'd been laying there for two hours and still wasn't able to sleep. The apartment was too dark and too quiet. It felt wrong and empty and dead. Sasuke grimaced. He could spend the night alone. He'd spent tons of nights alone. And Naruto only slept over at his apartment half the time anyways. Technically, he still lived with Shikamaru.
Another hour passed and Sasuke still wasn't able to sleep. He spent a good twenty minutes staring at his Blackberry before he finally picked it up, biting his lip.
He scrolled through his list of contacts and selected Naruto's name. His heart rate picked up a bit as the phone rang. Just as Sasuke gave up on getting an answer – Naruto had every right to ignore his calls, he thought grimly – someone picked up.
Silence. No one said anything. There wasn't even a hello. Sasuke bit his lip and closed his eyes. He could feel Naruto's animosity through the phone and it did nothing to quiet his racing heart.
"Naruto?" He said finally, his voice coming out cracked. Sasuke grimaced at how weak and needy he sounded.
"Yes?" Naruto's voice was stiff and defensive. Sasuke almost flinched. He hated it when Naruto directed that tone at him.
Sasuke licked his lips. "Come back?"
A few moments of silence passed and Sasuke was sure the blonde was going to tell him to go to hell and never contact him again, when Naruto surprised him.
"....Okay."