Chapter 5.

For the people that wonder if I'm okay, and for the ones who don't just leave a review saying: 'Next chapter now please' thanks. I'm glad you guys understand, and I'm doing okay, but I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders right now and I'm very worried about a friend of mine.

(as I'm writing this, I'm adding: This is very hard to write for me, personally. So I'm sorry if this might be less than other chapters, stories, but it's personal.)

Kate had been put out the coma for a day now but she still hadn't woken up. Now it was just a waiting game. Kate wouldn't be awake for long periods of time though seeing as the medication she got was pretty heavy and if she wouldn't get them, she would be in a lot of pain.

It was 2 days after the day of the operation and 1 day out of coma. All the broken bones were fixed and were starting to heal. They would keep Kate in the hospital for at least 2 weeks, see if the fractures are healing, and see from the results when she could go home. Probably after 3 weeks but they all know how Kate hated hospitals. And then, if she would return home, she would have to stay in bed with someone with her at all times. She wouldn't be able to take care of herself, because with two broken legs, there is no way you can move around the house. A wheelchair maybe yes, but that would only be okay after her left leg had healed. Her right leg would take more time seeing as it had been broken in 3 places. Her hip was just dislocated so that would be sore for a few days but would heal quite quickly. Her arm, wrist and 2 broken fingers would also take a little more time because it was so much in just one arm. She would have to wait until everything in her arm was healed before she would be able to start working out so that her muscles would adjust to working again.

Lanie knew it already, Kate was going to hate this. Espo knew that from the second she would go back to work, she would want to nail this guy and lock him away. Ryan also knew that, and that it would not be easy to try and stop Kate. Jim just shared a look with them all, reading their thoughts of each other, and adding, "God Katie, you're going to hate this, but so am I because you'll drive me nuts." He took her hand once again as Esposito and Ryan turned their attention back to the TV.

Lanie noticed how Ryan's gaze always lingered a second longer on their friend. What he had seen was horrible and she wished there was something she could do for him. But no one could. Only Kate. If she was okay, alive and well, Ryan would heal too and that spark would replace the sadness and sorrow in his eyes.

He hadn't been able to save her and it nagged on him. He was just a little glad that Espo wasn't mad at him for telling Gates. In the end, if he wouldn't have, Kate wouldn't have had a chance of survival. Now she had but it came too late.

But that question of why was torturing him. Why couldn't he save his friend? She meant a lot to him and he couldn't imagine life without her. Kate Beckett was like one of his sisters. Not the one that used to read him 'Little Red Riding Hood' when he was a kid, but the one that thought his how to be a great detective. One of New York's finest.

Of course, she hadn't died, and that was good but he still felt guilty. So guilty.

Ryan couldn't get much further into his thought though because as all his friend's attentions were directed to the screen, he looked at Kate and saw her eyebrows knit together and her eyelids flutter.

He took up, gaining the attention from everyone and went to stand over Kate, to protect her eyes from the much too bright light. The other friends and Jim all followed but kept a little more distance.

Kate squinted her eyes and reached for her head but immediately regretted the action. Although the fracture in her collarbone was on the left side, she felt it.

Ryan took her hand. "It's okay Kate, you're okay." He turned around, "Someone get a nurse, I think she's in pain."

Kate opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. "We'll get you some water Kate. Don't try to speak or move, it'll only hurt you more." Kate wouldn't listen though.

"Cast- Castle?" she could barely say more than a puff of air that ended in a moan of pain.

"I'm sorry Kate, he isn't here. I'll explain later. You stay down Kate. You've broken a lot of bones and you need to lay down." Kate laid her head back down and gave a small nod. Jim stood closer now and took Kate's good hand when Ryan let it go. Kate opened her eyes, now more adjusted to the light, and tears came in her eyes when hers met his.

"Shh Kate, you'll be okay. You are okay." he kept soothing her as Kate closed her eyes, not wanting to cry, remembering what happened now more clearly. Jim wiped a tear, that escaped her eye, away before it hit the pillow.

Javi and Lanie came back with a doctor and nurse. Lanie gave the glass of water, with a straw, to Kate, holding it for her because she couldn't move. While that happened, the nurse checked all the machines and the doctor asked Ryan how she seemed.

Then Dr. Torrez came in and the other Doctor left, following Dr. Torrez's instructions.

"Hello Detective Beckett, I'm glad to see you've woken up." Before Kate could ask, she already answered her question. "We kept you in a coma, because of the too many broken bones, for 6 days. You've slept through one day on your own."

"It's been a week?" Kate asked surprised at the time that had passed. Her voice still groggy of course but she managed to speak which pleased her

"Yes. It was necessary. You broke your right leg in 3 places, your left in one, your left arm, hand and wrist. Your collarbone also on the left side, 2 ribs and we had to remove one. No head injuries which you should be thankful for seeing from how high you fell." Dr Torrez's tone softened on the last line. She knew what Kate had been through and she would say it's a miracle Kate was still alive.

"Now Kate, I can call you Kate right? Because we'll spend a lot of time together for the next few weeks. Any more questions?" Dr Torrez asked as Kate nodded.

"You can call me Kate, and how long exactly?" She hated hospitals, but she knew, from what Dr Torrez had said, she would be here for a long, long time.

"At least 3 weeks. With those leg fractures, you won't be able to do much on your own at home anyways and we need to keep an eye on your right leg. Oh, and your hip too, sorry I forgot to mention that before. It will be sore for a few days because it was dislocated, but it's back in place now so you shouldn't have to feel that anymore. Your left leg will need at least 4 weeks to heal without support on it, and then 2 more weeks where you can put weight on it, but that depends on your arm, that will also need 6 weeks at least. Your fingers should be okay after a week or 2 but your wrist is also something that'll take a little more time. 4 to 6 weeks as well. Your collarbone… well, that's tricky for every person. It's 6 weeks with the bandage to keep it in place, then you will still feel it after those 6 weeks because it wasn't that bad so no surgery had to be done, but breaking your collarbone is something you can have trouble with for a year or 2. But let's not worry about that and concentrate on getting you better. Now, you probably want to sit up, but you cannot yet because of your ribs. You'll need to lay down for a few days, then we'll move you into sitting position but then you'll have to stay like that for a while because moving will hurt."

It was a lot to process. What Kate got out of it: Most will take 6 weeks of healing so I'll be here at least for 4 weeks, they say 3 but it'll be 4. Then 2 weeks with my dad, at least, probably more. God this is terrible…

And all of the sudden, she wasn't so sad anymore that Castle wasn't here… He was her partner for god's sake! He should have been there. But then again… she did go without permission. She brought herself in danger… The fault was all hers.

Then she saw it flashing before her while closing her eyes. Every time she blinked she saw Ryan's face as she fell.

Dr Torrez noticed she was reflecting it all and leaned over Kate a little more.

"Listen Kate, you survived this, and that's incredible. Now we're going to take good care of you. If there is anything you need, you have a button right at your right arm to call for help. Okay?"

Kate just nodded. She was still in a trance. This really happened! She really fell from that roof, watching Ryan as realization struck him that he was too late, while she fell before a sharp pain hit her in her leg, and then everywhere. Just everywhere. The last thing she remembers is her name being called.

Once Kate was given the medication, she would be awake for about half an hour before it would hit her and basically force her to sleep.

Jim and Kate had talked a little, not about what they would do, but just that they were glad she was alive. He was just so thankful. Lanie and Javi had done the same. But with Ryan, it was different.

Javi and Lanie had left, so had Jim. They all had to work. Ryan had gotten a few more days off than Javi had because he had actually seen it. He was having nightmares about it and had been seeing a psychiatrist for it. He just couldn't take Kate's screams haunting him in his head. And those images… they where tattooed on his eyes. So were they with Kate.

When they were alone, Kate started. "You know… They say you see your life flashing in front of your eyes when something like this happens… It doesn't." She stated it softly. Ryan was sitting next to her, on the bed, watching her face as he held her good hand in his. Kate just stared at the ceiling.

"I know it doesn't. Never believed it would." Then there was silence for a few more moments until Kate's eyes met his.

"I'm so sorry Kev." Her voice cracked on the line and she closed her eyes that were already filled with tears. Ryan wanted to speak but she wasn't done. "I can just see in every time I close my eyes… your face, the distance, the calling out, the realization…" Kate was sobbing almost. Ryan just tried to sooth her.

"Hey Kate… It's okay. It's okay because eventually you are okay. And yes, I see it too. I saw it in your eyes when you realized I- I was too late."

"Kev-"

"No Kate. I was too late to help you, and yes I blame myself. Of course I do. Who wouldn't. You actually fell Kate… you could have died. But because of a stupid dumpster, you didn't. But I still failed you."

"Kevin you didn't fail me. You could never do that. You're my little brother Kev… And it's my fault. I shouldn't have gone there. You were right to inform Gates. You did the right thing. It's my own doing that got me here, so don't you dare feel guilty."

"Kate… How could I not? If you had died… I would have too. Even if it was your own doing that put you up on that rooftop, I was the one who wasn't able to save you. So if you had died, a piece of me would have died too. I'd never be the same because it's you. The one who I consider one of my sisters. I don't know what I'd have done without you because I look up to you Kate. You are strong. You've been through so much, and now this… You are a survivor and I don't know what I'd do without you. I can't even imagine not having you around." Ryan was crying now too. Not sobbing, more like silent tears. He wasn't the crying type. But when he had to voice something like this… with so much emotion, it broke him.

Kate and Ryan sat there, soothing each other for a while longer. "I know you're tired Kate. Go to sleep." He gave her hand a squeeze.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep, Kev? I- I just don't want to be alone right now…"

"Of course Kate. Always."

And that was just the word that made her cry again… Castle… She didn't blame him, and she wasn't mad at him but she didn't understand why he wasn't here… She loved the man for god's sake. He got the message… Would he really just have ran away? Would he ever come back? Where was he?

And was his love for her really gone, or was there still hope?

With that last question in mind, the medication became too heavy for her and took her back into a deep slumber.

Okay, so I just finished this chapter. It was not at all easy to write. Kate was easy for me tbh… it was Ryan who was hard. Not because of the character. Because of how close to home it hits.

Anyways… I hope I didn't mess this up because it's pretty late here, and I'm tired, sad, basically a wreck, and well… Just leave your thoughts in a review :) That would be wonderful… something to get me happy…

I am thinking about finishing this story before writing on with BSWD and Wanting You. But I'm not sure. I'll let you know.