AN: I'm not sure if sectioning is called something else outside the UK, but I've had a few questions about what it means. Basically if someone needs to be admitted to an inpatient mental health hospital/ward they can either go voluntarily or they are forced. When someone is forced to go it is referred to as being sectioned.
After a lot of sweet talking and persuasion from Sarah, the doctors released the necessity for Beca to attend the outpatient clinic. She still had to see a counsellor in school, but that she could deal with. Also, her mom did not have to find out about anything after the conclusion was made that it would do more harm than good. Chloe held onto her girlfriends arm as she supported her walking out of the hospital. Beca had her strength back but had no energy. However, she was determined to stop hurting herself, because she realised that in a way she was hurting Chloe. It was a game of catch 22 – her love for Chloe was one of the things that made her hurt herself, but her love for Chloe was one of the reasons for her to stop. She just had to focus on not letting the other main reasons for her pain getting in the way.
They reached their house, and Sarah opened the front door. The two girls walked inside and then upstairs to Chloe's room whilst Sarah began making tea. As they sat down on the bed, inevitably, tears began running down their cheeks. "I'm so sorry," said Beca. All Chloe could do in response was shake her head. Feeling the need to at least explain what had happened, Beca began, "I er… I have times when I want to die. Like everything that is on my mind will just be so much easier, and I won't hurt anymore. I can go to heaven and actually be useful by looking after the people I left behind because I don't have the courage to do it in real life. I have a box of pills; most of them are Mysoline – tablets for epilepsy because I had easy access to them at home. And I've saved them, just in case. And when I feel like I want to die, I cut so that I just hurt but don't kill myself and the feeling goes away. But last week went wrong. It's more dangerous cutting your legs than your arms, but I guess I just defied the odds. I'm so sorry."
Eventually Chloe found her voice again and said, "Stop saying sorry, you've done nothing wrong. All we have to focus on now is helping you get better. Come and look at this." She pulled Beca up off the bed and sat her down at the computer. On the screen were results of a Google search for 'distraction techniques'. "I'm going downstairs to help mom with tea," Chloe said, "While I'm there just… have a look." Beca nodded and smiled as she left the room, then turned back to the screen.
She clicked on the name of a site that she found the most appealing – The Butterfly Project. She read about it, and figured that the whole point of it was to draw a butterfly on her arm, name it after someone close to you who you care about, and then if you cut you kill the butterfly. It was worth a shot, she thought, so she picked up a pen and drew a blue butterfly on her arm. Obviously her butterfly was Chloe, and although the concept seemed silly at first, when she had completed the drawing she felt a sudden urge to protect the butterfly – to keep it alive.
Chloe came back through the door with two mugs of tea in her hands and Sarah following behind. "I've got this week off work," she said, "So if you need anything, anything at all then you come and get me okay?" Chloe nodded, as did Beca. "Okay… well, sweet dreams," she said and walked out of the door. Beca wasn't even her daughter, but she definitely felt like one. She felt the need to look after her in the way she looked after Chloe.
Meanwhile, Chloe wandered over to the closet and pulled out a parcel. She gave it to Beca and urged her to open it. Slowly her fingers prised open the paper, and she saw a book. It was entitled 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'. A huge smile spread across Beca's face. She had read this book once before a long time ago, and it contained many of her favourite quotes. Although she had longed to buy it, she never had the money to. "How did you…" she began.
Chloe silenced her and said, "Your English teacher heard what happened, and told me that he was willing to help with anything if he could. I always remember that quote you once told me about, and so I asked him what book it was from. He pointed me to this." For a few minutes they sat there just enjoying the moment, and then Chloe got up and headed back to the closet. "Please don't tell me you got me anything else? This is more than enough already," Beca said with so much gratitude. "Oh hush," was all Chloe responded with.
When she returned she placed yet another present on the bed. "This is the last one, I promise." Suspiciously Beca opened it, and Chloe watched her fingers work around the bow she had tied onto it. Every inch of this girl was beautiful, even her hands. Just as she thought this, she saw Beca's sleeve slightly rise up as she stretched and caught sight of a cut at the exact same time as Beca did. She knew this meant trouble. Seeing her own scars was like a trigger and made her shake with fear, because she would become locked onto the thought of the scar and what she had done and how she could do it again. As if on cue, Beca's hands began lightly shaking.
Chloe reached out and pulled down the sleeve; put one hand to top of Beca's to stop them shaking and used the other hand to tilt her head up and draw her eye-line away from her arm and onto Chloe's eyes. She looked at her with desperation in a way to say, "Help me." Chloe needed not to cry, so she forced herself to carry on as normal. "Come on then, open it up." She helped her girlfriend pull away the paper, and as they removed it all it revealed a silver locket with an intricate pattern engraved on the front.
Beca clicked it open and saw on one side a small photo of herself and Chloe, and on the other was a small piece of paper with Chloe's delicate handwriting inscribing, "Enjoy it. Because it's happening." It was her favourite quote from the novel, and the smile on her face grew even bigger. "Thank you," she squealed and leant forwards excitedly, pulling Chloe into a hug.
"I love you."
It came as a bit of a shock, even to Chloe despite the fact that it was her lips that said it. "I love you too." And Beca really meant it. It was like everything that anyone had ever told her about love finally made sense. Previous boyfriends had been 'in love' with her, but she had never believed that you could love at this age because she still didn't really understand what love was. All the movies described love as the first person you think about in the morning and the last person at night. Tiny, stupid little things remind you of them even though they have little significance. At first, Beca deemed this as impossible. It was an exaggeration. But now it all made sense.
She loved Chloe, and Chloe loved her back. She picked up the book and placed it on the table by the side of the bed with the locket on top of it, and then turned back to Chloe. There was no time to even say one more word because before Beca could open her lips they were sealed shut by Chloe's pressing against them. At first the kiss was quite fierce, but then the redhead moved one leg over the other side of Beca's and it became slower; more passionate. Her tongue brushed against Beca's lips encouraging them to open, and of course they obeyed. Their tongues twisted and turned together, each exploring the others mouth.
It felt right. It felt one hundred percent perfect. As their tongues danced, Beca – who was now lying down with Chloe on top of her – ran her fingers down Chloe's back. She felt her body react to the touch; her back arched, moving her body closer to Beca's. Chloe pulled at the top that Beca was wearing, lifting it up slightly and revealing her flat stomach and the bottom of her brown bra. Beca brushed her hands against Chloe's as she then lifted the top over her head, leaving her just in her bra. They kept kissing and Chloe took off her own top with Beca helping her.
The whole moment was perfect, it felt so right, and only one thought was going through Chloe's mind throughout the whole thing. Beca: her perfect girlfriend. She ran her hands down Beca's sides and then placed them on her thighs. Her hands were warm and elicited so much comfort with a single touch. They rolled over so that Chloe was now on her back, and Beca was on top. As she ran her hands through Chloe's fiery red hair, Beca glanced at her own arm. The cuts from the previous week were still there. She had managed to fill both lower and upper arm with cuts as well as her stomach before she caught the vein.
Her hands began lightly shaking again and already her mind was filling with the thoughts of that night. But then, Chloe cupped her fingers beneath Beca's chin to draw her eye line away from her arm. As her blue eyes shone lovingly at the smaller girl she said, "Just focus on me." And she did. Beca turned her thoughts to Chloe and slowly moved her hand on top of Chloe's blue bra as they continued kissing. Her other hand worked its way around to the clasp and her fingers swiftly pushed it together until it unhooked. Not even thirty seconds had passed and they had both discarded their bras.
A while later they were both branded with love bites and lay side by side with smiles on their faces. "You okay?" Chloe asked.
"Never been better," Beca replied. Their hands were linked together and she continues, "I wish I could put this moment in a jar."
"What?" Chloe asked with a bemused smile.
"I think that all these rare moments that you want to stay in forever should be put in jars because… I like jars, they just have something about them. You always read in books that faerie dust or wishes or magical ingredients are contained in beautiful glass jars, so I think that perfect moments should be too. It would be a jar full of smiles."
Chloe laughed, "But only the best smiles?"
"Yeah. Only the smiles that are so…"
"Unconventionally beautiful?" Chloe finished, and a smile lit up on Beca's face with recognition. "You read the book," she exclaimed, recognising the phrase from the book that Chloe had given her. The redhead merely smirked knowingly and planted a kiss on Beca's lips that smiled in such an unconventionally beautiful way.