Holding On
Cloud, 22
He woke up later than usual, feeling groggy. He groaned and rolled out of bed, in desperate need of some form of caffeine.
He made his way to the kitchen and put the kettle on. It was quiet for once, so he figured the kids must be out. He wasn't quite sure whether they should be at school or not, because he didn't know what day of the week it was.
"Barrett's taken the kids out," Tifa said as she came down the stairs, her voice icy. Cloud turned around, looking at her blearily.
"I guess...that makes sense," said Cloud. Tifa didn't even bother replying to his inane comment.
Cloud turned away and made his coffee. It was bitter and otherwise flavourless - decent coffee being a luxury item in Edge - but it helped wake him up, so he wasn't going to complain.
Tifa watched him the whole time. Her constant, silent presence was beginning to put him on edge.
"Is there something you wanted?" he asked curtly. Tifa shook her head.
"Do I need a reason to be in my house? I, unlike you, tend to spend a lot time here," Tifa snapped back. Cloud shrugged, privately stunned. Tifa had never yelled at him before.
"I thought you might like to talk," Cloud explained.
"There's not anything left for me to say," said Tifa helplessly, abruptly shedding her harsh demeanour.
"I suppose not."
They stared at each other, both wondering how to dispel the tension which seemed to have sprung up overnight. There was a barrier between them, intangible but still very obviously there.
Tifa sighed and turned away.
"I have business things to take care of," she said, walking to her office. Cloud nodded an acknowledgement before making himself a scant breakfast.
When he was done, he walked back up into his room. His brief, disappointing discussion with Tifa faded from his mind when he picked up the letters. It was a thick pile, dating back from Zack's very first years in Shinra, when he was barely more than a child, to the last one his parents ever received.
Cloud picked up the first one, smiling slightly when he noticed just how messy the writing was. There were smudges and various unidentifiable stains all over the paper.
I'm finally here, Zack had written, and it's seriously awesome. I promise you'd I'd write, but there's nothing for you to worry about. The food's fine, the people are cool and I'm having a great time. I could live without the constant lecturing (it's so hard to keep quiet when other people are talking and it always seems to upset them when I whisper even the teeniest bit!) but otherwise I'm doing great. I'm gonna work really hard and make SOLDIER for sure...
Cloud shook his head, privately comparing the letter to his own experiences as part of the Shinra military. He had actually seriously considered leaving, but his determination to become stronger and eventually make SOLDIER had kept him going. Just.
As he read more, he became engrossed in the letters. Even Zack's enduring bravado and confidence couldn't quite disguise his lack of experience when he had first started Shinra. Cloud had known him a First Class, an elite SOLDIER. He been in awe of his skills since the moment they'd met.
He hadn't known, for example, that Zack had completely messed up his first virtual reality training exercise, managing to accidently set it so high he'd needed four SOLDIERs to bail him out. Or that he'd managed to set the walls on fire the first time he'd used a materia when they were supposed to be aiming in the complete opposite direction...
The idea of Zack making mistakes, of him struggling to master techniques ,would have seemed ludicrous to his sixteen year old self. He had thought that Zack was naturaly gifted, but it seemed as if it had been determination, rather than genetics, which had let him succeed in fulfilling his dream.
Cloud read on. Certain parts would make him smile, others were so Zack that he wanted to cry. All throughout, he felt as if Zack was close by, as if he would start speaking to him soon, just like in the dreams.
"Cloud?" he jolted upright. Denzel was staring at him, looking slightly confused.
"Tifa didn't tell us you got back," he said. "It's, uh, nice to see you."
"Yeah," said Cloud, still preoccupied. "Did you have fun at the park?"
"I guess so," he said unenthusiastically.
Cloud frowned slightly. There was something wrong with the boy, he was sure, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He seemed too listless, especially for a child.
"Is there something you'd rather do?" asked Cloud. Denzel shook his head.
"I'm not feeling that great," he explained.
"Make sure to rest, then."
"Alright," said Denzel, leaving the doorway. Cloud returned to reading about Zack's entrance to SOLDIER. He had been ecstatic back then about finally joining the ranks of the elite and determined to go further.
"You fulfilled your dreams eventually...But it cost you everything...It doesn't seem worth it."
He felt so very near, now. It hurt to imagine him, watching over their world but unable to interact with them in anyway. It hurt so much, to think that this cheerful boy with a heart full of dreams had been abducted three years later and died five years after that.
He could almost hear Zack's voice, repeating phrases from the letter. "I'm going to be a hero, mom. Just like Sephiroth. No, better!", "I want to impress Angeal. I want show him that I can make it, too. He tells me to follow my dreams and then tells me I'll never make Second, let alone First. It's confusing... But I'll get him to acknowledge me one day.", "I overdid it a bit again...Now Angeal's saying I can't train for two days while I recover. I'm fine, I just know it. Honestly, he worries too much..."
Cloud thrust the letters away from him angrily. He clenched his fists and sat dead still, his heavy breathing the only sound in the otherwise silent room.
"It's not fair," he said bitterly. "You should have lived. You deserved better."
"Nothing's fair, ever. I woulda thought you'd figured that out by now." Cloud looked up and glared at the figure at his door.
"What do you want, Barrett?" asked Cloud tiredly.
"For you to stop moping. You've been squirreled in your room all day, doin' who knows what."
Cloud wanted to angrily reply that Barrett had no about what he was going through, but a sudden realisation stilled his tongue and quieted the anger which threatened to overwhelm him. He wasn't the only one to lose a loved one to Shinra. He wasn't the only one who still considered themselves partly responsible.
"It's not that late," Cloud said.
"It's five thirty and you're still in your pyjamas," Barrett, said, his voice oddly flat. Cloud shrugged. What did it matter?
"Jus' get down here."
Cloud stood up and unwillingly followed him downstairs. The bar was already open for business, but there were only a handful of customers. Things wouldn't start getting busy until later, for the dinner trade and then later for the people who were trying to drink themselves into oblivion.
Tifa was therefore left pretty much unoccupied, her only task to keep an eye on Marlene, who insisted on coming into the bar with her.
"There's my two favourite girls!" Barrett calls out loudly, earning some annoyed looks from people trying eat their dinner in peace. Marlene giggled loudly and Tifa smiled at him slightly, even though her eyes were firmly fixed on Cloud.
"I can grab you some dinner if you like, before things get busy?" Cloud nodded, because she was obviously asking him and not Barrett, despite the fact that he was the one that had insisted they come down.
Marlene began to babble about her day at the park, with Cloud adding the occasional 'yes', 'oh' or nod where appropriate. It is only when she made a request that he was forced to pay proper attention.
"Could we grow a garden?" she asked. "Just a little one?"
"Marlene," Tifa scolded harshly. "I told you not to bring that up..." She put their dinners on the bench.
"Why?" the little girl asked. "You said Cloud was busy, but he's not. So he can help me make a garden, right?"
There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at Cloud.
"It sounds like a nice idea. I don't know if I'll be too good with plants, though, but I guess I can try," said Cloud, trying to ignore the pointed stares. Marlene went to say something but Tifa cut her off with a sharp, "Dinner time, Marlene." The girl gave her guardian a mutinous glare but started eating her dinner.
"I should really serve some other customers," said Tifa, moving away from them. Cloud nodded and began to eat, still thinking about the garden that Marlene wanted to grow. It would be a flower garden, he thought. Edge still didn't have a lot of flowers, as its residents were too busy focusing on survival to worry about beautification. He was sure that Aeris wouldn't approve...
When Marlene finished her dinner Barrett took her up to his room, tersely commanding Cloud to stay put. He continued to eat his dinner, occasionally morosely looking up the stairs. Why was he supposed to stay here, again? Tifa was avoiding him, though whether that was because she was still mad at him or because she was honestly busy he wasn't sure.
Finally the older man returned.
"You look you need a drink," he said.
"Trust me, it's the last thing I need right now," he said darkly.
"Well, s-t, you look like you need something,"
There was a heavy silence, punctuated only by the sounds of groups of rambunctious friends drinking away their troubles.
"You need to let yourself live," Barrett continued awkwardly. "I know, right, how tempting it can be to jus' let go, but it's not right. That kind of thing isn't health for anyone. Not you, not Tifa and definitely not the kids."
"I know," said Cloud. "But...I just need some time to sort things out." Which was possibly the understatement of the century but also completely true.
"Yeah, well...Just hurry up and get things sorted. You're making people worry," Barrett said gruffly. Cloud looked up at Tifa despite himself, their eyes meeting for a moment before he looked away.
Barrett called her over and ordered a beer.
"I's all about being proactive, get it?" Barrett said as he began to drink. "If you're just passing the days away, then what's the point?"
"..." Cloud didn't have an answer to that. Then again, few people claimed to know the meaning of life.
"It was Marlene who helped me realise that. Gotta have a purpose, see?"
No, he didn't see, not really. Just having a purpose wasn't enough to stop you from feeling miserable.
"I guess."
"Family helps. That, an' your friends. It's important to hold them close. To know who's got your back."
"..."
"Like Tifa. She's been watching you for what, seven months now? That's dedication. Now, I know it's tempting to punish yourself, to think you don't deserve anyone but that's jus' not true. And 'sides, Aeris wouldn't be the sort of person to hold anything against you."
"I'm sure she wouldn't," said Cloud, feeling more and more uncomfortable.
Barrett leaned over and clapped him on the shoulder.
"There, you see? Everything's going to be fine." Cloud shrugged and got up.
"I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning."
"The night's still young..." Cloud turned away in an obvious refusal of then invitation.
He took a long, hot shower, trying to wash away all the tensions of the day. Some holiday this was turning out to be. By the time he got back to work he was going to be more tense than ever.
He lay on his bed, finally able to smile. These dreams were the light in his dark life, echoes of a better time. Sometimes, he wished he could go to sleep and never wake up...
He was sitting on a train, one of the old ones which had circled Midgar. When he turned his head, he could see the old city in all its glory. There was a subtle aura of menace about it, something about the green lights of the mako reactors glinting off dark steel which made it seem unwholesome and dangerous.
The carriage appeared to be deserted, but still he spoke his question aloud.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"We're on a train to nowhere," Zack replied cheerfully from behind him.
"Where are we, anyway?"
"Midgar, near sector five, around seven years in the past."
"That's not what I meant," said Cloud.
There was a brief silence.
"I can't tell you that."
"Can I guess?" asked Cloud. "Would you tell me if I guess correctly?"
"...Maybe."
It wasn't a definitive answer, but Cloud decided to go ahead anyway.
"I'm torn between two answers," Cloud admitted. "The fact that you're here and that Aeris can come here, too, seems to indicate we're in the life stream. And yet, I'm still alive. The other alternative is that you're able to somehow manipulate my thoughts to create this place..."
"I don't think that would be possible," said Zack. "The dead aren't supposed to interfere with the living like that."
"And bringing me to the lifestream doesn't count as interference?"
"Well...Seeing as you've been here before, and all the mako and other...stuff...it kind of works. Aeris explained it better, but I can't remember now."
"That makes sense, I guess. It was how I regained my memories the first time," said Cloud.
"Exactly. Don't worry about it too much. All you need to know is that it's safe and it works." The train stopped suddenly and the door opened.
"Looks like it's your stop," Zack said. "Have fun."
Cloud stood up and approached the door. The station was so dark, he couldn't make it out, even with his mako-enhanced vision. 'A train to nowhere,' he thought. He took a step outside...
Cloud, 16
The blonde infantryman stumbled out of the train, wondering what he hated more, unsympathetic co-workers or motion sickness. They were both bad in their own special ways, though as he parted company from said workers he decided that motion sickness was definitely worse.
Two days worth of travelling, two days with immature idiots who decided it would be a good idea to try and gross him out to see if he would throw up...luckily for him - and everyone else in the car - he hadn't, mostly because he'd been avoiding eating where possible.
Right now all he wanted was a lie down, but there was the matter of the 'date that wasn't' that he said he would go on. If it was at all physically possible Zack would be waiting for him down at the entrance and Cloud really hated to turn him down, especially after what had happened.
He walked through the Shinra entrance and there was Zack, waiting for him just like he'd promised.
"You're too slow," Zack whined. "Everyone else got here ages ago!"
"Ugg..."
"Not feeling too well, huh?" Zack asked, abruptly sympathetic. Cloud nodded, wincing as his head began to spin unpleasantly.
"I guess you don't feel like lunch, then?" The older boy sounded so despondent, it made Cloud feel slightly guilty.
"Not really."
Zack's face fell for a moment, before being replaced by a grin.
"Well, if we can't go out...Why don't you come to my place?" Cloud managed a small smile in return.
"Sure."
Zack went to help him walk but the younger boy pushed him away.
"I can walk," said Cloud irritably, not wanting to seem weak in front of everyone at Shinra.
"Alright then," Zack replied, holding his arms up in front of him in a mock surrender.
They made their way slowly up to Zack's apartment. The minute they arrived Cloud lay on the couch and shut his eyes, cursing once again the bad fortune that left him susceptible to motion sickness.
"Here, try this...It might make you feel a little better," said Zack. Cloud opened his eyes. Zack was standing beside him, holding a glass full of some miscellaneous yellow liquid.
"I'd rather not," said Cloud. Who knew what it was?
"I'll do you good. Trust me..."
Cloud made a face. It didn't look like it would do him any good. Zack sighed.
"Either you drink it, or I'll pour it on you. Your choice." Cloud glared, but took the cup. Luckily for him, it was just a sports drink of some kind. It was too sweet for his taste, but he couldn't deny that it was refreshing and, more importantly, didn't make him feel sick.
"Better?" Zack asked.
"A little," Cloud admitted. He sat up slightly so that Zack could join him on the couch.
"Do you always get this sick, after travelling?" Zack asked curiously.
"Not always," Cloud replied. "But mostly, yeah."
The SOLDIER looked at him sympathetically.
"That must make life hard for you during missions," he said. Cloud shrugged.
"I do my best," he said. "If I can't be relied upon to do whatever Shinra needs, I'll never make SOLDIER."
"You know, I've heard that mako treatments can help fix motion sickness, as well as other stuff. It fixed my allergies right up."
Cloud sighed.
"What doesn't mako do?"
"I thought that would cheer you up," Zack said. "A light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak."
"I guess so," Cloud said evasively, his mouth pressed together tightly.
He felt a sharp tug as Zack began to pull on his hair.
"Quit it," Cloud said irritably.
"Not until you tell me what's wrong," Zack said.
"Nothing's wrong," said Cloud.
"You're lying," Zack said in a tone reminiscent of a very young child. "I can tell."
"I'm not," Cloud replied. "It just..."
"Just?"
"Just seems like nothing's going to go well for me until I make SOLDIER, and that could take forever."
Zack stopped pulling on his hair, giving the younger boy a slightly confused look.
"So you don't want to focus too much on being SOLDIER?" he asked.
"No...I don't know," Cloud replied.
"I think I get it," said Zack. "We can just enjoy the moment, right? As well as having dreams?"
"Sounds good," said Cloud hesitantly. Zack smiled at him and hopped off the couch. Cloud watched him as the older boy rifled around his cupboards before finally holding out a thick plastic box.
"Check it out," said Zack.
Cloud gave him a blank look.
"It's a box," he said, which made Zack laugh.
"I guess they don't have games consoles in Nibelheim, then," he said. "How backwater."
"Some people had them," Cloud said defensively. "But we didn't." His mother didn't make anywhere near enough money for them to spend it on trivial items.
"Oh. Well, I bought this ages ago, but hardly ever use it. Maybe we could give it a go?"
"If you like," said Cloud. He watched impassively as Zack began to hook the consol up to his TV. The SOLDIER handed Cloud a controller before flopping back onto the couch.
As the game started up, Cloud noted with amusement that the object of the game was for the characters to beat each other up.
"Don't you get enough fighting in the real world?" Cloud asked as he struggled to master the controls.
"But it's funny because it's fake," Zack protested. "I have more games if you don't want to play this one, though."
"No, it's fine," said Cloud, privately thinking he was having enough trouble learning the controls without Zack changing games all the time.
Initially the learning process was quite frustrating and Cloud was ready to give the whole process up as stupid and unrealistic when he finally beat Zack. He couldn't help crying out in excited delight.
"Looks like you've finally got the controls figured out. It only took you twelve games."
"You're just a sore loser," Cloud retorted.
"Just pointing out the obvious."
They competed fiercely for the next few hours, changing from the fighting game to a racing one when Cloud finally got bored. During the course of the game Zack had managed to find some chips, hidden at the back of his cupboard - Cloud shuddered to think how long they'd been there - which were only slightly stale. Cloud hadn't really wanted to eat anything else, so they had been able to avoid leaving the apartment for food.
"I should really go," Cloud announced around nine o'clock.
"Do you have to be somewhere?" Zack asked, his face downcast.
"Not until tomorrow afternoon," Cloud replied automatically. "But it's late, I should really get to bed."
Zack smiled suggestively.
"You don't have to leave," he pointed out. "I wouldn't mind if you stayed and I'm pretty sure no one else would notice. Even if they did, I can just say you feel asleep on the couch."
Cloud's breath caught. The implications of that statement was obvious. Even if he had some lingering fears, the way Zack was looking at him, his blue-green eyes filled with desire and his mouth quirked in one of his amazing smiles, erased them like mist in the summer sun.
"You don't have to, if you don't want," Zack continued, mistaking Cloud's silence for nerves. "I'm not going to be mad, or anything like that. I get it if you're not ready..." Cloud interrupted him with a kiss.
"Trust me...I've been waiting for this, too."
Author's Note : I'm sorry for the slow update times. Given the whole holiday session thing I've been a little bit busy. If you're interested in the details, you can check out my livejournal (there's a link on my profile). Lack of time means this has been a bit rushed and I'm not exactly happy with the ending, so I hope it's still okay...
I've tried to keep this chapter within the 'T' rating, hence the filtering of the swear words and the lack of 'lemon' at the end of this chapter.
Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, favorited and read this story. I hope you all have happy holidays :D