Past and Present

Cloud, 22

The day after the last dream, he went to Reeve and demanded to go back to work. The CEO had been unsurprised and eventually decided to grant the request. He was far too busy to argue and there was more than enough work to do.

There had been an increase in the monsters spawned by the mako waste which filled the ruins of Midgar. Reeve had ignored the problem for as long as Edge could afford, but now population levels were reaching the point where they would threaten the city, unless someone took care of them.

He threw himself into battle that day, killing everything that came across his path. Reeve had sent out alone that day, knowing somehow that today, of all days, he could not stand the company.

The stench of blood and mako which filled the Midgarian slums was so very familiar to him, as much a part of his life as the scent of snow and pine. It stuck to his clothes, infecting his hair and his skin. When he eventually trudged home, late that night, it infected his home, refusing the leave him even after he'd showered.

He'd lain in bed that night, trying to sleep, but deep sleep had eluded him. He slept in fits and bursts, never quite going under altogether, haunted by memories of what was and dreams of what could never be. He hadn't known it was possible to long for someone so much, for their absence to hurt so much, until the day he realised he was never, ever going to speak with Zack again.

The days seemed to drag on and on, devoid of joy or comfort. He'd starting working longer and longer hours, wearing himself out to the point of exhaustion, only to find he still couldn't sleep.

He began to avoid Tifa where ever possible. He could feel her chill disappointment, but it was better that way then to have to be close to her and feel like he was betraying Zack every time she touched him.

Besides which, she would only fret about him. He knew he was beginning to look ill, the affects of not getting any sleep obvious to everyone around him. After a week, desperation won over pride and he went to WRO clinic.

The doctor who'd been able to see him had been very young, trained just before the Meteor crisis. She had gasped slightly when Cloud had walked into her clinic, seemingly awestruck by the hero.

"W-what can I do for you?" she asked, smoothing her uniform.

"I can't sleep," Cloud said, regarding the young woman with bleary eyes. "You have pills for that, right?"

"Uh...yes," the doctor said. "But, you know, it's better to diagnose the problem before medicating it. I could give you a referral to see a psychiatrist, maybe?"

"I don't have time," Cloud said impatiently.

"O-okay. But these pills can just make things worse in the long run. You can addicted, you know."

"It's fine," Cloud insisted. "I've had worse."

The doctor considered him for a few moments before printing off a script.

"I think you need this, but I'd still like it if you saw a specialist," she said, handing it over.

"Yeah, thanks," Cloud said reflexively. He walked out of the clinic and went into the only chemist in Edge. It was nearly empty that time of night, so he was able to get his script filled quickly.

'This has to work,' he thought desperately. 'I can't go on like this.' He stumbled home to the warmth of Seventh Heaven, wishing he could go straight to bed but acknowledging that he needed food first.

He opened the door and walked in. He swore he caught a glimpse of someone in SOLDIER uniform when he walked in, sprawled casually on one of the tables, but when he turned around there was no one there.

At this time of night, the bar was nearly deserted. The only people who remained were the no hopers, the people who didn't want to go back to their homes, who were trying to starve off the cold and the pain for just a little bit longer. They were the regulars, the ones with no place else to go.

Cloud shook his head and walked over to the bar. Tifa caught sight of him and quickly fetched his dinner.

"Cloud?"

"Hnh.."

"How was your day?"

Cloud looked up from his food, meeting her concerned hazel eyes.

"Fine," he said, wishing that he was telling the truth.

"That's good. You know, Denzel's thinking of joining the new martial arts club at his school. Hopefully he'll make some friends."

"That's nice..."

There was a long silence where Cloud was purely focused on eating, finding even that relatively easy task was requiring all the cognitive skills he had left. He could almost hear Zack's voice, mocking him.

"Can you imagine what people would say if they knew the so-called Hero couldn't even eat without spilling food all over themselves? They'd probably piss themselves laughing, is my guess."

"Yeah, they probably would," Cloud responded aloud.

"What?" Tifa asked.

"Nothing," Cloud replied, abandoning his dinner. "Thank you, Tifa." He could feel her eyes on his back as he walked up the stairs, but he tried to shrug it off. He opened the packet of pills.

He took one and was unsurprised when, after fifteen minutes, there was no noticeable affect. He continued using them, one by one, until finally he felt a thick darkness rolling over him, pulling him under.

'Finally,' he thought as he collapsed, a small smile gracing his face.

The smell hit him first, acid choking his throat. Then there was the chill of cold metal on his back and the bright light flooding his eyes. If he listened he could hear the breathing of someone else in the room. His heartbeat began to speed up when he realised just where he was. Half forgotten memories surfaced and for a moment he could smell blood and feel the liquid fire burning through his veins...

'Just a nightmare,' he told himself sternly. As he began to calm down, he realised that something wasn't quite right. Everything was too vivid and his thought process was too clear and focused.

Hope began to blossom as he realised that this reminded him of being in the lifestream. If that was true, then perhaps he would be able to find out the way to cure Geostigma after all...

'I wonder though...It doesn't make any sense,' Cloud thought. 'Why here, in this place of all places?' Why would any ally want to take him back here, to the place which made him feel numb with terror just thinking about it? How was it helpful?

"I know you're awake, Strife," an all too familiar voice said, startling Cloud into opening his eyes. Sephiroth was standing above him, studying him intently.

"It's been such a long time since I've seen you," he continued. "When I saw what the ancient girl had done, I decided it was my turn to visit you."

His tone and manner were so gentle, Cloud was reminded of the man he had admired, the one who had treated him with kindness and friendship.

"How?" Cloud asked warily. He struggled against the restraints which he knew were in place, to no avail.

"It was easy enough," Sephiroth replied. He picked up one of the scalpels - it looked far more horrifying then anything Cloud had actually experienced and that was saying something - and ran his finger delicately down the blade, looking curiously at the blood which oozed out of the wound.

"How?" Cloud repeated firmly.

"Do you really not know? Did Fair not even bother to explain?" Sephiroth asked, his lips curling into a wicked smirk. Cloud tensed. It was clear, now, that Sephiroth had not regained his sanity after death.

"This place is a part of you, little puppet. Your very own piece of the lifestream. Normally, no one would be able to access it, but your ancient changed all that. She created a connection, just a tiny one, which would work while you were asleep."

"But that was just so I could contact Zack," Cloud pointed out. "This 'connection' you're talking about must have closed." He wondered how much his old enemy would tell him and how much of it would be truthful.

"Once it was created, it could not be undone completely. It was a small link, only allowing those with a connection with you to access this place. Fair was one such person, but the connection between us is much stronger. Mother binds her sons together, after all."

The thought made Cloud feel sick.

"Of course," he said despondently. "I'm surprised you'd bother to be truthful with me."

"Why bother lying? I want you to be able to understand just what I can do."

"You can't hurt me here, not really. I remember, nothing really hurts here, not properly anyway. You're dead, Sephiroth and you can't change that."

"You're nearly right, little puppet, but then again you're wrong too. All of your experiences are remembered within the lifestream, in one way or another. All I have to do is remember with you." Cloud shuddered, realising just what Sephiroth intended to do.

Sephiroth snickered at the blonde.

"You are, after all, the one who insisted you had emotions," he pointed out. "I am going to use them to break you, little puppet."

The world went black again and Cloud screamed, crying out for Zack and Aeris, hoping they would hear him and rescue him from the hell which he'd inadvertently fallen into.

Cloud, 16

He woke up slowly, unable to see through the liquid which he was encased in. He didn't understand...How could he have possibly ended up in laboratory? He should have been dead...At least he could make out Zack, who was also looking around in horrified confusion.

"Hello, specimen 'C'," said cold voice outside the tank. Cloud tried to yell back, to tell the horrid man before him that he was not a specimen, that they'd made a mistake, but the mako drowned out his complaints.

Hojo laughed, stroking the glass proprietarily

"I made this myself," he said. "It's very useful, don't you think?"

'Let me out!' Cloud mouthed furiously. The scientist tilted his head slightly, as if he couldn't understand.

"Why ever would I do that? You are very valuable, 'C'. You should be proud. I will make you into a far better creature then you could have ever been at Shinra."

Cloud slumped in defeat as he realised that he was the property of this madman. He banged on the glass furiously, but it would not give. Hojo watched him gleefully, occasionally writing notes in his notebook. Cloud began to cry...

Cloud, 17

Hojo had finally taken him out of the tube. His body was aching from the effort it took to keep himself upright. The scientist refused to help him, simply directing him to walk over the table. Cloud had had to crawl, each inch causing his body to burn.

'How long have I been in there?' he wondered.

He arrived at the table, but the effort it would take to climb up was too much for him. He felt pathetic, especially with Zack watching him, his eyes wide with fear. Cloud slumped and fell to the floor.

A sharp agony jolted him upright. Hojo had used a lightening materia on him. Cloud struggled to get his breath back, moving his fingers to try to dispel the pain.

"Up, now," the scientist said, holding the materia loosely in his hands.

The young boy grit his teeth and pulled himself up, trying to ignore the sickening pain in his arms.

"About time," Hojo said. He tried the boy down, until the restraints bit into his flesh. "You are weaker than I expected, but I suppose you will have to do. Let's see if the Jenova cells will take."

Cloud thrashed about as the scientist injected something into his arm. He looked down in horror at the black fluid running through this veins. He nearly threw up and he had to bite down hard on his lip to keep himself from screaming. Hojo watched on impassively.

"Very weak," the scientist repeated. "I have more hope for 'Z'."

"Don't you touch him," Cloud said defiantly. "Don't you dare!"

"He is mine, to do with as I will," Hojo said. "I would be more concerned about yourself, 'C'." Cloud wanted to retort, but a wave of cramps hit him and he wasn't able to talk. The pain was so intense...

Then, everything seemed to fade. Like he was falling asleep, even though a part of him was sure he was waking up...

"Did you like that, 'C'?" Sephiroth asked mockingly. It took Cloud a moment to realise he was no longer in the memory.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked weakly, still able to feel the phantom pain deep in his limbs.

"Why not?" Sephiroth replied. "I want to show the world how weak their 'hero' truly is."

"The outcome is still the same," Cloud said. "Even if I die now, I still killed you."

This made the silver-haired monster laugh.

"Sometimes I forget just how very simplistic you humans are," he said, shaking his head. "Believe what you will, the outcome is still the same." Cloud tensed, furious at the mockery and unable to do anything about it.

"You can't keep me here forever," Cloud said. "And this is my past, I can survive reliving it."

"I disagree, on both counts. But I suppose we shall see, soon."

The darkness began to creep up on him. He fought desperately to stay conscious, not wanting to be put under Sephiroth's control again.

"It's too late, puppet."

Cloud, 21

He awoke on an unfamiliar battle ground, corpses littering the baron ground. The scent of blood was thick in his nose, utterly overpowering his newly enhanced senses.

"How very helpless you are," a malevolent voice hissed in his ear. "A weakling...Truly pathetic."The boy started, a deep sense of wrongness pervading his entire being.

'This isn't how it happened,' he thought unsurely.

Then he remembered. He had been here and done this before.

'This isn't real,' he told himself. 'So I don't have to walk over to him. I don't have to-' His legs refused to obey his command. He stumbled clumsily to where the SOLDIER lay, battered and bloody.

"Stop this madness," Cloud said stubbornly, trying to look away from where his lover lay dying. "This isn't real!"

"But it feels real, doesn't it? This taste your failures, of your biggest regrets...I believe I shall kill the girl next."

"No," Cloud whispered, but it was no use. Sephiroth was control of his thoughts, he had access to every single memory the blonde had ever experienced. To give that kind of power to Zack was one thing, for it to land in the hands of his most powerful and hated enemy was entirely different.

He began to shake. He wasn't sure how long he keep himself sane against this barrage. He wasn't sure how long he'd be stuck like this, or whether he could wake up.

"Please," he whispered desperately. "I need to escape."

Zack's hand grabbed his wrist firmly. Cloud jolted slightly. The SOLDIER had gone pale, and his lips were beginning to turn a nasty shade of blue, but he still managed to smile.

"It's gunna be okay," he said. "Don't you worry."

His eyes widened when Zack faded into the lifestream.

'This isn't what happened,' he thought. 'What is Sephiroth playing at?' Instead of fading, the green glow spread around to the earth, dissolving everything it touched. It spread like fire, consuming even the sky, until there was only green.

He was floating, or flying, in a sea of green. He felt peaceful, as if a part of him belonged here. Below him, he could see the planet, beckoning its children, inviting them to safety.

The noise crept up on him gradually, slowly becoming louder and louder until he couldn't barely hear himself think. It was like a million different people were all trying to talk at once.

Understanding came to him, followed by panic.

'I'm the lifestream, the real one,' he thought. It was like when he had gotten mako poisoning, when all the voices had crowded him out, leaving him as little more than a human doll.

'What will happen to me now?' he wondered.

The voices were loud and all blended together, so he could only catch snatches of what they were saying. Eventually, there was one that was louder than the others, a woman's voice, crying his name frantically.

"I'm right here," he tried to say, but he wasn't sure if anyone heard him over the noise. It didn't matter. Soon afterwards, he felt someone wrap their arms around him, pulling him away from the turbulent stream of souls.

"My poor baby," she whispered, gently running her fingers through his hair. She had beautiful blonde hair and clear blue eyes, just like his had been. He studied her for a moment, unbelieving.

"Mother?"

"It's going to be okay," she whispered. "The planet won't let you go, there's nothing to worry about."

"Am I dead?" Cloud asked. He couldn't even bring himself to care. As long as he was free from Sephiroth, he would be happy. He was a little disappointed he had left his friends behind, but there was a part of him that wanted it to be true, so he could stay here forever with the ones he had lost.

"Not yet," his mother replied. "I'm sorry, but the planet still needs you."

"Oh," said Cloud dully. And he understood, he really did, but he was a little sick of being needed. He'd already had enough of that for one lifetime.

"I wish I could take this burden from you."

A flash of pink caught Cloud's attention. Aeris had appeared, in all her glory, looking somehow even more pure and beautiful then when she had been alive. Her eyes sparkled with a radiant light and her smile was light and pain-free.

"Thank you for finding him," Aeris said.

"It was my pleasure," she said. She looked at her son intently.

"Good bye, Cloud."

"Wait!" he cried out, but she was already gone, returned to the planet.

"I'm sorry, but you need to leave," said Aeris. "Don't you feel the planet doesn't want you here?"

"Not really," Cloud admitted. "But then again, I've never been too good at understanding it." The Cetra shook her head, a teasing smile on her face.

"You're hopeless."

To his surprise, the girl put her arms around him.

"I'm so, so sorry," she whispered. "If I'd known the risk, I would have never, ever done what I did."

"Uh...It's fine," said Cloud, holding her awkwardly. "It was worth it." Aeris smiled up at him sadly.

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

Even being here, being able to see Aeris and his mother again, if only for a few moments, was worth it. It felt like so much had been taken away from him, it was a blessing to be able to reclaim some of it, no matter the cost.

"Why is it that I can see you now?" Cloud asked.

"Because you're in a coma, I think," Aeris replied. "You're breaking the barriers between life and death, you know. You never seem to be able to stay out of trouble." The last admonishment was said with a sad smile. Clearly Aeris wasn't able to forget what part she had played in his current trouble, even if Cloud had forgiven her.

"Could I see him?" Cloud asked. Aeris laughed softly.

"I knew you'd say that," she said.

"Is it possible?" he pressed, looking beseechingly at Aeris. He couldn't pass up this one last opportunity.

"I'm already here."Cloud turned around, his mouth open in shock. There was Zack, looking exactly like he had so very long ago, but healthier. His skin looked sunkissed once again, not pale and wan like it had been after Nibelheim and his eyes were pure grey, untainted by mako.

"Perfect," Cloud breathed, making Zack laugh.

"Well, I've always thought so," the ex-SOLDIER said, running a hand through his hair. "Until I met you, that is." Cloud rolled his eyes. It was nice to know that Zack really hadn't changed all that much.

Zack took a deep breath, his expression becoming more serious.

"I told you to take care of yourself, not medicate yourself half to death," Zack scolded. "Tifa's very worried, you know."

"I didn't mean too," Cloud said. He saw Aeris, who was watching, give a slight shake of her head, but she didn't interrupt the pair.

"I know. It'll get better now. You'll see." He moved closer, fiddling idly with a lock of the blonde's hair.

"I can't imagine that," said Cloud bitterly.

He could feel Zack's breath on his ear. When he leaned in slightly, he could smell the scent of the forest and fresh cut grass. It was all so wonderful, he wondered if dying meant existing like this forever.

'Probably not,' the logical part of his brain informed him. 'The legends say the dead are absorbed within the Planet, after all.'

"You just need to let yourself be happy again." Cloud turned his head and refused to answer. He knew he was being obstinate, but being happy would have to involve forgetting Zack, something which he had promised himself he'd never do.

"Listen, if you want to remember me, be happy," Zack insisted. "I don't care what that takes, as long as you're happy." Cloud finally looked up at him, astounded by the depth of emotion which resided his lover's eyes.

"I promise," Cloud said solemnly.

As those words were uttered the vibrant green light radiating from the 'walls' of the lifestream seemed to fade away, leaving him standing in near-darkness.

'I'm waking up,' he realised sadly. He wanted to do so much more. He had so many little questions to ask, so many more things to say, but this was it. He could only hope that, when the end came, they could be together once again.

There was a roaring in his ears and even though Zack was still very close, watching him with sad eyes, his words seemed to come from afar.

"I'll be waiting."

For a moment, he thought that Sephiroth had managed to get a hold of him once again. The bright lights, the white walls and the IV which was placed in his hand were all frighteningly familiar. The only thing which calmed him down was realising that he wasn't restrained.

He took a deep breath, wincing as the smell of anti-septics and illness hit him. If he listened, he could hear steady beeping and the gentle footsteps of the nurses outside. A quick look at the clock revealed it was 3:23am, explaining the relative calm inside the hospital.

Cloud turned over restlessly, wondering how he was supposed to keep his promise to Zack. He hadn't really thought about being happy for the sake of being happy in a long time. He remembered being happy during his dreams, of course, but that kind of happiness was obviously out of the question.

Other memories awoke in his mind, small moments where he had been happy. Most of them had occurred with his makeshift family and his friends, on those few occasions when he allowed himself to relax.

'I guess it won't hurt to try, for your sake,' he thought to himself, looking out the window into the night sky. He couldn't imagine that the pain would ever go away, not completely, but maybe one day he would be able to smile without bitterness.

The door swung open suddenly. Cloud turned around to see Tifa, her hair dishevelled and eyes shadowed with bruises. She was holding a mug of tea in hands which shook slightly.

"Cloud?" she asked. "You're awake!" She put the mug down on a table and rushed over to him.

"I've been so worried, I thought you'd relapsed. You were asleep for a whole day and you were talking, but it didn't make any sense! I should have left to go get the kids but I couldn't, I just couldn't, not until I knew you were going to be okay -" The young woman began to sob.

Cloud stood up carefully and walked to where she was standing. He put his arms around her gently, pulling her close.

"Sssh...It's going to be okay, Tifa. I promise..."

"It'll get better now. You'll see. "

The End

Author's Note : I hope the format wasn't too confusing for everyone, I had a lot of difficulties deciding on how exactly I was going to represent what was going on...I've deleted re-written sections of this so many times :( But now the official storyline is done and there's just the epilogue to go. It'll be nice and fluffy, for once, so writing it will make a nice change. I hope this chapter will help clarify everything up, though if you have more questions feel free to PM/review...I might have forgotten some stuff which may or may not be appropriate in the epilogue.