"Man must rise above the Earth,
to the top of the atmosphere and beyond,
for only thus will he fully understand,
the world in which he lives."
- Socrates
The next several days passed in a blur of training, half scarfed down meals and endless hours of preparation that Sanji wasn't even entirely sure what he was doing. Most it consisted of just being a spare set of hands to help out, and he'd spent a full day alone with Chopper getting all the medical supplies and beds ready in the recovery hall. Several large stadium sized rooms were lined up side by side and each one contained rows upon rows of bedding for the eventual sick and injured that would need rest. It was far from glamourous, but it was a safe, warm and secure place to sleep and it would serve its purpose as the more critical subjects would be attended to first.
It was almost strange the mixture of emotions that swelled within him throughout the past few days; a weird combination of excitement and trepidation that left him with an odd feeling in his gut. It hadn't really been there before, but as the notion that the attack on Impel was looming closer and that this battle was soon going to be very much real had made him slightly uncomfortable.
A few days spent solely in Basil's base along side Robin had him helping putting together the large tanker trucks that were structured to hold as many victims as possible. The empty containers hoisted onto the back of the large semis were divided into three layers so that as many refugees as possible could be crammed within. At least fifty of these gigantic vehicles were set up into five strict rows, each one being tended to by their own crews as they were making sure the machines would be in top functioning condition for the day of the invasion.
And as enormous as this hall was with its army of tanks there was still another base adjacent to this one that had even more trucks and rescue vehicles being assembled at an alarming rate. Robin had estimated around four hundred and nineteen vans had been finished, and another two hundred and eighty one had yet to be constructed. These small shuttles would serve as quick couriers underneath the forests overgrowth that would be able to be in constant flow, while the semis would be sent out in a single sweep.
Walking down among the rows of endless machines that were being tended to and polished with the care of an army air fleet Sanji felt miniscule next to them. And as he passed each one, there was just another one beside it; it seemed like the procession of vehicles never ended and Sanji could only fathom how many people it would take to fill up all of these machines. Though he really didn't need the reminder that there was probably this many and then some still trapped within Impel.
Robin had her nose buried in her clipboard, scribbling away furiously as she made notes on each automobile they passed; asking questions to the men working on each and occasionally throwing an order. For such a normally reserved and soft spoken woman she was remarkably harsh and strong when speaking, a trait that Sanji really had to respect in the gorgeous woman. She had the reverence of a queen and the voice of a dictator.
Many of the men working on the machines were much like Sanji and Robin. Varying in the ways they showed how exactly Impel had affected them. Some had deformities that made them looking almost fish-like in appearance. With gills trailing down their throats, or webs stretching out between their fingers. Some even with dorsal fins sprouting from their spines and with holes cut through their shirts to accommodate it much like Sanji had for his wings.
Then there were the men that had been altered and mixed with the parts of animals. A large, broad shouldered man with the horns of a bull and the strength to match as he hefted a large engine into his arms with ease and made his way across the work floor. Another man with long cat like nails that were of a metal structure was cutting up bits of scrap that was being sent away to be melted down, occasionally pausing to push his glasses back into place with the palm of his hand.
The longer Sanji walked amongst these people the more he noticed how some of the changes were not always noticeable. Some people looked completely unscathed but there was still that hollowness in their eyes that showed that they had indeed seen the dark inside of that torture facility. Bodies might have been unscathed but their soul had forever been damaged.
One young boy that was working especially hard kept pausing in his work, hand pressing to his head as he seemed to twitch out for a moment. Pink hair falling into his face as something in his brain seemed to short circuit, body jerking for a few seconds before he would be back to working without even being fazed by the small seizure. No one else said anything either as it seemed that this was normal.
Scratching absently through his long sleeved shirt at the feathers that were still continuously sprouting on his arm he began to feel a little less embarrassed. Most of these men and woman held their heads high about their mutation, and those that did still seem to shy away were either ignored by the others, or quietly accepted without fuss. Gently letting his own arm go he felt a little guilty for still feeling embarrassed at his own appearance.
It seemed wrong to hate himself for how Impel had changed him when all these other patients were standing tall and proud. Almost acting like they were grateful for what they had become. And it only made Sanji feel selfish and sick to his stomach to think that he still was unhappy with what he had become. Everyone else seemed to wilfully accept what they had become; why did he still feel uncomfortable in himself?
"How is training going, Sanji?" Robin asked quietly, critical eyes for once not turned onto Sanji as the woman seemed to be merely trying for delicate conversation.
"Pretty good." Sanji replied casually as he sidestepped out of the path of a man taking a wheel barrow of scraps away to be melted. In fact, since his body had regenerated such a large amount of muscle to compensate for his wings it had only taken a bit of brushing up on his old combative skills before he was back to his old self. If not stronger.
Despite being the antagonistic prick that he always was, Zoro had been a very valuable teacher and his blocking and striking abilities had improved tenfold in the past week. With each day, less and less teaching took place and it became more and more practical fighting as Zoro would challenge him with harder strikes and more difficult things to block. They had already worked their way up to defending against those damned wands that the Blugory carried with them and Zoro said that soon they would progress to how to properly deflected a barrel of a gun.
As for the training with Usopp it was going at much the same pace. The kid was just as an amazing teacher; though his method was drastically different than Zoro's. Instead of goading Sanji and trying to knock his head off with his fist, the sharpshooter was encouraging, but at the same time demanding. Giving Sanji challenges and teasing him just enough to get quick results. He had already moved onto moving targets, though was still very sloppy with keeping up with them.
Robin hummed happily at that, "I'm glad that you have begun to find a place among everything."
"Me too, Robin." Sanji murmured quietly as they continued to make their way down the large hall. Sanji placed his hands into his pockets as he tried to think less about his earlier pessimism and more on the work that he would be doing for Robin later on. Besides an aerial advantage in battle, his wings were also extremely helpful for when they needed someone up somewhere where the scaffolding just wouldn't reach.
The next few hours passed with Sanji hovering above one of the weakened wall structures as he set up string after string of dynamite that would eventually be detonated to allow for all of the vehicles to exit the mountain and make for Impel. Finding any nook or shelf in the rock wall to place the bundles he worked diligently with instructions from the men below and it wasn't long before the whole demolition was set up.
Landing back on the ground next to Robin he surveyed the work quietly, eyes following each precise line of dynamite as the stark reality of what was happening started to settle in. It was literally weeks until they would be knocking down this wall and be heading back to the hell that they had just been rescued from. Just days before they would practically be calling war on the entire world and the government, in a fight that they might just possibly be killed over or thrown back into the prison for. Suddenly there wasn't enough rock wall in the world between himself and Impel.
"I'm going to go make some dinner." Sanji muttered quietly to Robin, turning away from the gorgeous woman as he made his way slowly back through the armada of tanks that were illuminated dimly by the millions of lights hanging far above. The din in Sanji's head broken only by the insistent drilling and hammering of people diligently working.
~X~
Hand hovering over the hard oak wood of Sanji's bedroom door, Zoro couldn't quite bring himself to simply knock and instead found his hand refusing to move upon command. After several quite, annoyed moments he lowered his hand and stared at the door as though the wood was at fault for his lack of confidence in the matter. Biting his lip hard as he reprimanded himself and shot his hand out for the doorknob, but once more found himself halting partway through the motion.
Zoro had been standing outside of Sanji's room for at least the last five minutes trying to get up the courage to walk through the portal and confront the blond. He had kept running through exactly what he wanted to say to the man, though every variation ended with him deciding it sounded too stupid and had to start over from scratch with an aggravated sigh. He had never really been good with words when it came to expressing his own feelings towards other people. Politics and business negotiations he could handle; his father had taught him to be ruthless and cutthroat with his dealings from a young age, but he'd never really learned how to express himself.
Manipulation, intimidation, deception. He had learned it all, and yet he never really had the opportunity to voice how he felt emotionally. Being honest seemed easy enough and on occasion he could do it, but so freely opening up the deepest and most vulnerable parts of him was so foreign that it left him wary.
Unintentionally he had already revealed a very tender and dark part of himself to the blond while telling him about his past, and while it had felt like a weird sort of relief, he wasn't quite certain he would be able to do this. What if Sanji didn't accept what he had to offer? What if the man rejected him? What if Sanji just didn't have the same yearning attraction that was slowly crushing Zoro from the inside out?
So much had changed since that day a little over a month ago when the proverbial angel had fallen out of the sky and landed at Zoro's feet. There had been confusion and distrust upon meeting him, but it had easily been replaced as he had realized that there was something so much deeper to the blond than just a hot temper and a bad attitude. Aside from being stubborn, he had an innocent liveliness to him that Zoro had only ever really associated with Luffy up until this point.
It was that spark of passion in the man's eyes that made him capture Zoro's interest, and the more time he had spent with the man he realized that he was falling incredibly hard for the man. A strong enthusiasm that just couldn't be tamed, a fiery nature that clashed so brilliantly with Zoro's own, an intensity with every single motion he made and word he spoke, and a serenity that was only rivalled by birds drifting on the breeze in the sky.
Forever and a day he could list off everything that the blond did that caught his attention, and it was inconceivably stupid to even think about, but that punch to the face had done him in completely. Aside from how impassioned the man had looked at the time and the determinative set on his face, the fact alone that Sanji had knocked him off his feet had left him breathless; physically and emotionally. He wouldn't have been able to stop that grin from breaking out across his face even if he had tried.
For so long he had shut out everything from his life since his father's death and then Impel, but with the beginning of a family and the appearance of Sanji he had begun to really care for these people. And he really couldn't say at which moment he had begun to fully trust and soften up towards all of these people in turn, but he could say that with out a doubt he was so tired of being alone.
And Sanji just seemed to fill something inside that was cold and afraid. It made Zoro feel alive again for the first time in years, and as he bickered with the blond it felt like everything in the world was normal. Sitting quietly with the man, practising fighting with him, watching him fly high up in the sky; it all made Zoro feel like the world was a normal place and that pain and evil really didn't exist. Couldn't possibly exist because he had this. This feeling of pure peace.
Zoro had no idea if any of these feelings were even in the blond's head, he had no inkling to if Sanji even thought of Zoro in any of the ways that he felt toward the blond. He had no idea if Sanji was even into men – from the way he fawned over Nami and Robin it was definitely questionable – but even so he felt he had to at least get these emotions off his chest. So much had been welling up inside of him these past few days he felt like he might burst if he wasn't able to release all this tension.
And if there was one thing that he had learned from Impel; it was not to waste what precious time he had left of his life. Even if Sanji didn't accept him physically he needed the man to know that he wanted to remain in the blonds life. If only just for the companionship that had formed between them. He needed Sanji to know that he felt something there between them that made him feel human again.
Finally – with a nervous swallow – he hardened his resolve, turned the knob and stepped into the blond's room.
~X~
Sanji flipped to the next page of the report, setting the book down on the bed and leaning his head in his hands as he continued to read. Dinner had been made in the silence of his own thoughts as he still couldn't quite shake the trepidation brought on by the harsh realization how soon the revolution was. Honestly he shouldn't have been that surprised by it but for some reason he still had felt very shaken by the whole thing. In the end the dinner had been handed out to the few crew members present and he had returned to his room.
Small kerosene lamp illuminating the area he had only remained lying on his side for a moment before rolling over and digging through his bedside drawer swiftly. Pulling out the large binder that he had been going through diligently that past few days. He felt pretty confident in his memorization of the lay out of the confinement as well as the advance plan of each separate crew. It wasn't exactly necessary to know every single detail but he liked being properly informed on everything.
Flipping to the next section that he had marked for reading he found he was now on the history portion of Impel, and while it had been near the front of the book he had kept putting it off. With the urgency of the mission, he had prioritized his readings by most pertinent, and the background of Impel had seemed like the most unnecessary of the subject matter to know. However that didn't change the fact that he desperately wanted to know how the terrible place came into being.
Impel Down - Beginnings
The Designated Organization of the World Nations (DOWN) was founded shortly after September 2nd 1945 and the end of the Second World War. The war had brought about the stark reality of how fragile the relationships between countries were and how little control the world powers had over some advancing countries. The introduction of the United Nations was a calming front to make the world seem as though it had recovered from the hatred spread by the war. DOWN was formed secretively and has been running ever since though no real action was taken until Nine Eleven.
The recessions of the early 80's and 90's that were a result of inflation of oil prices were the tipping point in the decision to take action and begin the completion of DOWN. Funding and plans were put into motion but it wasn't until September 11th 2001 and the recession caused by the attacks as well as the collapse of the dotcom bubble and the accounting scandals that affected all of North America.
With the tragedy of Nine Eleven came about an age of terrorist fear and was the catalyst for the implementation of DOWN and the final formation of the Investigation, Manipulation and Plenary Examination of Lifeforms (IMPEL).
Construction began late into the year 2002 and was completed January 13th 2003. The facility itself houses one hundred and fifty levels; with a specific purpose related to varied research and development. Human mutation, genetic altering, viral contamination, and cognisance studies being the most pertinent of the research to be disclosed at the location.
Test Subjects
The obtaining of the test subjects to be used within the facility was quite simple and went unnoticed under the noses of the general populous of the countries associated with DOWN. A variety of people needed to be used so that results could be determined based on various studies with different races, genders and body types. Though the main concern was that people whom helped the development of society were to be left untouched.
People were slowly selected through background, race, and effect on society. The main human of choice were the homeless, the unemployed and the criminals. People whom would not be missed and those that posed a threat on the goodness of society.
This was later to be called the Culling Effect[1]. As with the fat skimmed from the top of rich milk; this process removed from society those whom followed a certain criteria that posed a threat to the democracy of society. Thus quietly and effectively turning the world towards a more just and utopian place.
Throughout the countries owned by DOWN people were slowly selected and brought to IMPEL for testing and experimentation. The main collection of test subjects were obtained within 2003 to 2006 with an amassed total of over one million subjects. Since then the numbers have only grown as more were subtly taken to not draw too much attention to the slowly disappearing populous.
Due to the Culling Effect the employment rate in all countries has soared, the homeless rate had plummeted, and crime is at an all time low. The States, as such, is at the peak of its democratic reign and shows only signs of improving. With the removal of the lower forms in society, and the embarkation on a great scientific frontier; the States and by default, DOWN, are easily on their way to not only becoming the power house countries of the world, but controlling it entirely.
Sanji felt a little sick as he finished the page and flipped to the next one. According to this he would have had no choice in the matter whether or not he had been chosen. Living on the streets, barely having an income and still in major debt, he was the perfect example of someone that DOWN would want to erase from their history books. It was almost bittersweet that from the moment he was born into poverty he had absolutely no say about what his future would eventually become.
Was everyone else here in the base and out in Impel the same. Had they been chosen strictly because of the lives they had been given, unable to choose their fate? How did Luffy, Zoro, Nami, Usopp and everyone get picked? What had they done wrong? No, not wrong – it was sick to think that based on persons birth place that they were at fault – but what about their lives had deemed them less worthy than those of the higher class? Why had they been labelled less important than any other living human?
Zoro had grown up being the heir of one of the largest automobile company's the world over; why had he been allowed to be taken in to Impel? China and Japan were closely linked; was Zoro's dealings with the mafia a good enough cause to get rid of him? Was that why he had been chosen? But what about everyone else? Surely Chopper – a high intellect and up-and-coming doctor would have no reason to be a burden to society? This all seemed so flawed and wrong.
Placing his head on his knees he let out a long, suffering sigh as he tried to shake off the ominous feeling that had been growing over the past few days. Ever since he had found out that there was so much more to Impel than what he had originally thought; it had left him shaken. Most of it he had brushed off, but these past few days of preparation had once more brought the unfortunate truth back before his eyes.
It seemed like the most daunting and impossible task in the world when looking at the whole picture. While the place had just seemed like a demented torture centre for the damned; now that he knew it was actually a long plotted research facility funded by the most powerful nations in the world it left him feeling raw and helpless. How could he – or anyone – fight back when the world was literally against them? What were you supposed to do when the strongest men in the world wanted you dead?
And it wasn't that Sanji was afraid; he would vehemently testify that he more than anyone wanted back into that place so he could get his wanted revenge. But he couldn't shake the foreboding that maybe the plan wouldn't work; and then what would happen then? What could a bunch of test subjects and a small rebellion do for changing the world?
Squeezing his arms tightly around his legs he let out a small sigh, before his right hand twitched and he absently scratched his leg. This internal vicissitude of his need for revenge and his unbelievable pessimism was becoming more constant as the day of the attack drew nearer and nearer. Not only that but while being within this safe mountain most of his thoughts of the place had been shoved to the corner of his mind; and now he was slowly being forced to face them more often.
In his scratching his nail caught on something and it drew Sanji out of his current thought process, the small twinge of pain curious more than anything else. He tested the sensation for a moment by once more tugging on what his nail had caught on and when the object pulled at his skin sharply he felt a jolt of panic shoot up his throat.
Staring down at the clothed leg his breathing became far too shallow in his trepidation, fear leaping up inside of him as he reached down with trembling hands. Shaking fingers caught the hem of his pant leg and slowly drawing the cloth upwards, scream dying in his throat as his body was frozen in horror.
His once bare leg – save for some hair – now had a black[2] hew to it as scales poked through the skin in various places. Some were just beginning but others were fully coating specific patches on his leg, small oval pieces of bone growing out of his own body.
Sanji's first reaction was his need to vomit, stomach churning as he looked down at the small scales that only seemed to testify that the evil of Impel was still inside of his body. Still trying to get out. Scratching and clawing just beneath this normal looking piece of flesh that he called his body was the evil and vile creature that had been placed within him since the first day Impel had gotten its hands upon him.
It didn't even feel like his body belonged to himself anymore. There was no part of him that hadn't been touched, burned, scarred, whipped or tested on by the sick men within that place and after being so thoroughly taken apart physically and mentally it really didn't feel like this body was his at all now. It was like the last shreds of himself was shoved inside this sick shell that he was forced to drag around for the rest of his life.
Looking down at the scales he only saw more proof that nothing within himself was truly his anymore. Every single feather, scale and cell on him was just proof that Impel still had its claws deep in him and was still trying to slowly draw him back in. But he wasn't there anymore, so why wouldn't this stop?!
Sanji tried a cautionary rub, hoping that the small motion would be enough to get rid of the scales that were currently causing him to panic further. A second rub, a third, and then frantic scrubbing had no effect on the black scales. Instead it only confirmed how real and durable they were as they protruded from his own leg. Sanji found his breaths were coming out shakily and his hands were trembling lightly.
Water.
He needed to wash this off.
Barely giving pause, he sprinted from the room, throwing open doors as he ran as fast as he could to find the bathing room. Lungs stinging as it felt more like he was breathing in some poisonous air than actual oxygen, throat tightening as he desperately tried to choke back his need to either cry or vomit. Veins feeling like they were on fire he only pushed his body harder, trying to flee the demons that were currently on his own legs. Between trying to properly breath and keep himself from passing out there was little room for actual functioning thought.
The hyperventilating was making it harder and harder to breath as he ran and soon he felt his own body quitting on himself as the reality surfaced that he was completely lost had no idea where the bathing room was anymore. Giving up, he finally came to a stop – collapsing against the rock wall – hands clasping at the rough stone as he squeezed his eyes shut trying to stop the tears that threatened. His throat burned from trying to hold back his sobs.
Who was he fucking kidding?
Sanji sunk to the floor limply, body slumped pathetically as he blearily stared down at his legs as the realization was finally starting to kick in. He wasn't getting better. He was getting worse. Any slim chance he had of one day returning to society and being a human again were gone. How long before he would be completely covered in feathers? Would have claws instead of nails?
His gaze shifted from his legs to his arms and chest, the sparse scattering of feathers that had always seemed so innocent were now the most disgusting and terrifying things Sanji had ever seen. Like something horrible had made its home in his skin, and Sanji suddenly felt so inexplicably filthy.
It was like looking down at something completely revolting – the need to distance himself from it overwhelming – but it only became more terrifying as he realized that the sickness was within himself. No matter how far he ran, how hard he tried to hide he wouldn't be able to escape Impel, because the facility was right here. Imbued into his very skin and being, never going to let him be free.
Disgust set in as Sanji realized that he needed to get this off; needed to tear as much of Impel off of himself as possible. Sanji began desperately tearing the feathers from his forearms and chest, nails gouging into his own skin as he tried to permanently remove the evil remnance of Impel from his skin. Blood running paths from the deep crescent shaped claw marks in his flesh and from the feathers that he had pulled out too harshly. The skin was gaining an unhealthy red pallor and his cheeks were wet with sweat or tears he didn't know. He choked down a sob and pulled his leg into his lap.
He began clawing furiously at the scales, the solid nails he had developed made it easier but it was still an impossible task. Each scale he managed tear from the skin stung beyond belief, but the pain would immediately be shoved to the back of his mind with his need to get rid of the scourge of Impel. Each scale ripped off was a small victory as it felt like he was removing an evil coating from his true body.
Scales, feathers and blood littered the floor as Sanji continued to claw at his leg long after he had gouged out every scale, skin and all. From his knees down his legs were stained red with all the blood that had surfaced from his scratching and he was beginning to feel lightheaded. Sobs shook his body and all Sanji managed was a choked hiccough as his hands kept up the methodical clawing at his legs as tears fell to mix with blood on the floor.
Two abnormally strong grips took hold on his wrists and his hands were forced away from his leg, pinning the wrists above him in an unbreakable hold that had snapped Sanji from his reverie. Looking up through his tears he was able to make out the angry and concerned face of Zoro.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
For a moment he was grateful to see the man, before a scowl dropped into place and he wrenched his hands away from Zoro. It was impossible to stop the sudden surge of hatred for the man that made its nest inside Sanji's chest. The last thing he wanted at that very moment was to be seen at this point of weakness. How could Zoro even understand when he looked as normal as he did?!
Sanji shoved the man away and shakily stood, his legs barely holding his weight through the pain that was lancing through them. He took a couple shaky steps before collapsing against the wall. When a concerned hand reached out he slapped it away.
"I don't need your fucking help!"
"Sanji –"
"Shut up!"
He was so angry. It festered, boiled, and swelled within him like a beast unfurling its wings as rage filled every fibre of his body causing his hands to tremble with restraint. Each breath in was seethed through gritted teeth as hatred drove him to calamity. Bloody hands clenching into tight fists as he shut his eyes against the urge to scream to release some of the anger swelling in his chest. It physically hurt to keep it in but it seemed like it would be even more painful to let it out.
The rage was almost making him blind so he such his eyes, scrunching them shut as he was met with solid darkness that sparked harsh memories. Hands coming out of the dark void covered in blood as they reached for him, maniacal laughter that had him nearly crying fear, and sharp pain that continued to grow in its intensity until Sanji wanted to fall to his knees and scream for it to stop and go away. The anger, the pain, the fear; it swirled inside him needing to be let out but it would be the biggest weakness of all to give in.
Pain was at the foremost of his mind, a rising surge of trepidation in his chest as his mind helpfully supplied the memories before he could stop them. Each one in quick succession; every moment, flash of imagery, or crack of pain had him mentally cringing as he was close to sobbing as he wanted it to end. He wanted to stop the memories, he wanted to command himself to stop remembering, but his own body was treacherous against his own memories. Even as he was miles away from the men in Impel they still managed to have him frozen in terror on the spot by just the memory of the pain.
Fear. It was every where. Surrounding him like a thick blanket as he tried to draw air into his terrified lungs, but his body was still frozen from the images that wouldn't stop. He was once more back in the cell, chained up helplessly as his body was abused in every way possible but kept on the verge of death. The fear had been numbed out in that place but outside it thrived off his insecurities like a starving animal.
What if he had to go back? What if this whole invasion was stopped? What if he was captured and put back in that hell? What if they captured him and continued the experiments from where they left off? What if this illness in him never got better and he was left to slowly rot away? What if he never got to see Zeff ever again? What if all of his friends died in this invasion and he was left all alone once again? What if-?
"Sanji." The voice was soft, far softer than he was used to hearing from the rugged man's cocky mouth, and it broke Sanji from his darkened hell. Snapping him back into reality far too harshly, "It's okay..."
The words had Sanji's eyes snapping open as the former rage came surging back in a wave that had his teeth gnashing together and his nails cutting bloody crescents into the palm of his hands. Throat once more clogged painfully by the insurgence of his grief he tried desperately to draw air into his nonfunctional lungs. Spinning to face the man Sanji bellowed hysterically, his voice cracking painfully, "NO IT'S NOT; LOOK AT ME!"
Spittle flying, the crack in his voice left a coppery taste in his mouth as he had definitely torn something in his throat and had to speak much more hoarsely to keep from wincing in pain, "I can never go home. I'm just getting worse every fucking day. I'm a fucking freak."
Something flashed in Zoro's eyes, making the violet darken as his previous expression morphed into a hardened one of impatience and his own barely restrained anger. When he finally spoke his words were loud, yet spoken with the tone of a whisperer; as though he was fighting to hold back his own emotions, "Everyone here is freak."
"You know what I meant!" Sanji shouted taking an aggressive step forward, pain lancing up through his calf but the adrenaline and anger subdued it enough that it was barely a twinge in the back of his mind. If anything the pain drove him to feed off of it and use it to fuel his anger; a vicious cycle that was slowly breaking down his rational thought and leaving him to his rage alone.
"No! I don't!" Zoro yelled back and grabbed Sanji's wrist tightly, his own voice finally rising despite his restraint. The inhuman grip however remained controlled, sturdy and even somewhat calm, "NAMI CAN'T EVEN TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT HURTING THEM. USOPP LOST HIS FUCKING ARMS! AND CHOPPER ISN'T EVEN IN HIS OWN BODY ANY MORE! SO DON'T YOU DARE COMPLAIN BECAUSE ALL I HEAR IS YOU BEING SELFISH!"
"THEN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Sanji barked back, voice cracking again from the stress he was putting on it, mixing with his conviction to hold back his tears. Desperately tugging at his wrist to try and get it away from Zoro he screamed, "Just let me deal with this on my own and stop trying to help me!"
"Because you're doing a fucking fine job by yourself." Zoro snorted angrily as his grip only tightened, refusing to let the blond go in the slightest. Sanji smeared his own blood across the man's hand as he tried to claw it off of himself, but only succeeded in hurting his own hand in the process.
Finally giving up in frustration Sanji let his arms go limp in the hold before he spat, "Fuck you."
"I'm serious." Zoro took a step forward as he tugged the blond closer by his arm, pulling him so he had no choice but to listen to the super human's words, "You think hurting and scarring yourself up is going to make everything better?"
Sanji remained quiet for a long moment, not quiet sure how to reply. Fuck of course it seemed stupid, but it wasn't like anything else he was doing was making it any better. If anything just watching how well everyone else was dealing with the pain of Impel just made his own self-pity worse.
"Why?" Sanji finally mumbled.
Zoro frowned, "What?"
Sanji snapped, "Why the fuck do you care?!"
The man's eyes flashed again – something unreadable and dark – and as the grip on his hand was released Sanji was sure the man was going to reel back and smack him. But what happened instead was more painful than any blow to the face and left him reeling harder than anything else could have.
Zoro pulled him into a hard embrace, and Sanji stiffened in the hold not quite sure of what he was supposed to do.
"I was stuck in there too."
Sanji remained frozen in the man's hold, arms uselessly at his sides as stared over Zoro's shoulder at the sedimentary ceiling above as he tried to ground himself in some way. But the simple hug had derailed something inside of Sanji that he had been so desperately trying to keep his restraint on, and those arms currently holding him had made him fumble. The hug shouldn't have been so warm, but it was almost like it was filling something deep and cold inside himself rather than his skin.
Completely dazed in the man's hold he tried to get a grip on reality through the haze of pain from his body and the small twinge in his gut. Hands clenching at his sides he tried to command them further – perhaps reach up and push the man off of him, or maybe return the hug – but they wouldn't listen to anything else he commanded them to do.
"It's always damp and cold..." Zoro started quietly, the words whispered into Sanji's shoulder and it was more spoken as though he were merely muttering his thoughts than actually talking to Sanji, "You forget what it's like to be warm, and your skin is constantly in pins and needles from the cold or the fear... I didn't really know anymore. I'd forgotten what comfort even was, what a bed even really was. Your eyes become adjusted to the wane lighting so you can hardly remember what it was like to look at something and not have to squint through darkness. And the fear..."
Zoro's arms were tightening unconsciously as the man practically breathed the last word in actual trepidation. Sanji closed his eyes against his better judgement – images of what Zoro described causing memories to surface that he would much rather leave buried – yet needing to shut them to ward off the tears that were threatening to fall down his cheeks.
Of course he'd known that everyone here had went through the same things he had, possibly even worse. But to hear them whispered into his ear, have someone else close to breaking down on him had his own resolve slowly crumbling. It made that nightmare seem like more of a reality when someone else recalled memories that were so alike to his own.
"The fear that hurt more than any needle they stuck you with or experiment they put you through." Zoro growled out quietly, "It was like two cold hands were inside of you and were clutching at your organs, squeezing every time a guard was making his way over to take you away."
Image after image played through his head as all the things Zoro described were so very true, and he could feel each emotion building up inside of him as he remembered each and every time he had heard the deafening click of his cell door being opened. With his eyes closed and lost in the darkness the memories assaulted him with a concreteness of just how terrified he had been every time he had been dragged away to be tested on.
"And everything they did hurt." Zoro murmured, body tensing in his anger as he practically spat, "It hurt a lot. But none of it hurt more than the fact that they were stripping away everything human about you and leaving you exposed down to the very fucking soul."
Sanji could vaguely feel a wetness on his shoulder and his dazed mind took a full minute to figure out that the man holding him had begun to cry. It shook him to his very core as the notion that this strong, indestructible man whom had always appeared like a rock to everyone around him was currently shedding tears in front of Sanji. And as he desperately wished for his arms to raise – at least to return the hug – he couldn't. Fear still keeping him frozen to spot as he remembered just how inhuman he had felt after every experiment.
"Every time they returned me to my cell, I was always so broken." Zoro practically coughed up the last word as he body shook with the force of it, as though the memory alone was breaking everything within him all over again. And Sanji should have felt terrible for making Zoro recall of these horrific feelings and memories, but as he slowly cracked his eyes open all he could do was the bite the inside of his cheek to keep from returning the sob.
"All that pain, all that fear. I felt that too." Zoro mumbled gently against Sanji's ear, incredibly strong hand stroking Sanji's back in gentle, reassuring strokes, "And no one should have to go through that alone."
A foreign feeling was rising inside of Sanji and the blond couldn't place what the sensation was exactly. Like an enormous pressure was slowly expanding from within the depths of his body and trying to force itself outwards; eyes staring to sting with the force, throat clenching up in shock, and his fingers beginning to grow numb. Finger tips feeling icy cold against his palms as his closed throat was making breathing harder and harder, and the feeling only kept growing as Sanji quietly panicked.
"So," Zoro murmured on a sigh as he pulled away carefully, strong – incredibly gentle – hands sliding up Sanji's neck to cup his face tightly and force him to look at Zoro even as the rising pain within him continued to grow erratically. Chest twisting in pain at the man's words, "You can get as angry as you want. But I'll be right here. Everyone here is tied together by Impel and we're going to get through it together too."
Zoro still had that unbreakable grip on him; large, warm hands holding his face with such care and urgency that Sanji couldn't help but stare back at the man with wide eyes. Those amazingly violet eyes were boring into his and were breathing a warmness that he had never seen from them before as the man remained so concerned it nearly hurt to hear the words muttered;
"You're not alone anymore."
A dam burst.
All the restraint that he had put on himself since he had arrived here at this safe haven, all the denial and self-restraint he had put on himself snapped instantaneously leaving Sanji completely defenceless against the onrush of emotions that hit him. It was akin to being slapped in the face as every thing that he had held onto to keep himself resolute had fallen away and he was left alone in the dark with nothing left to hold onto.
Since leaving Impel he had not shed a tear. Everyone around him had been strong, happy and resilient, and Sanji had instinctively felt the need to mask his pain and fear away. It hadn't been too hard at first because as he had been accepted into their family, he had had something else to set his mind on. Friends, family... Stupid suspicious green-haired idiots. But as the eventual attack on Impel loomed it had slowly been bringing back that ominous feeling. And now all of that tension, pain and fear left Sanji through the tears falling from his eyes and were released by the choked screams that left his throat.
Falling to his knees he buried his face into Zoro's thigh, hands furling in the shirt as he sobbed into the thin cotton fabric that was now smeared by tears and blood. Screaming as loud as he could he ignored the pained ripping in his throat as he tried to get any amount of this pain inside of him out. Boiling tears of pure anguish fell down his checks as he continued to try and expel any amount of this tortured feeling out of himself.
Hysterical as his mind continued to supply torturous reminders of the past four years of his life he couldn't stop the uncontrollable jerking of his body and he began rocking into the body in front of him with each cursed scream. Slamming his forehead against the hard surface in front of him in mindless panic, he relished in the pain that bloomed and gave him a moment of freedom, before remembering that his pain was nothing compared to everything else.
No longer knowing what he was even doing with his body his hands unfurled from their grips and he fell forward on the ground as he continued to flail wildly. Screams finally dying down to be replaced with jarring sobs that shook his whole body and had him coughing up blood onto the stone floor. Blood and snot mingled with his saliva as he dully spat up the copper taste from his mouth before falling into another pained sobbing fit.
The more he expelled from himself – the more he screamed, cried and bled – it seemed to ease something inside of him that had been clawing to get out. Easing but not nearly satisfying as his body had become weak, but the pain remained in a dull throb that hurt him mind and body. Hand coming up to desperately grasp at the bloody skin of his chest – digging his nails harshly into the skin – he desperately wished he could reach inside and take it out. Rip out whatever part of him that hurt so bad and throw it deep into the pits of this mountain and leave it there for eternity.
His body was so weak and he remained with his head pressed into the ground as he trembled uselessly, not even having the energy to wipe the blood from his lips. Instead he just knelt in his comatose state as everything became a dull haze of pain and fear. Not nearly as sharp as before, but still there.
And as his eyes slowly slid closed, being engulfed in darkness, he was back in Impel. Back to that fateful day when he knew that their experiment was mostly likely changing him into something inhuman. Once more on his knees in his cell as he was alone and in pain, coughing up bile and blood as he wished to just be allowed to die. The pain of his own body changing inside of himself and that paralysing fear that he was never going to be the same ever again. And just as the fear was reaching its peak, just as he was a moment from biting his own tongue just to try and drown out the memory; there was a silver lining that brought everything back into stark reality.
A warm hand was placed on his back, just below the joints of his wings – and Impel was gone.
Warmth and reassurance flooded through him as the gentle hand rubbed soothing motions into his spine and back, and another hand was scooped underneath him. He was lifted with the gentleness and care that he had never before been given and was quickly brought up into a strong hold that promised safety and reassurance. The tight hold wiping away all of the bad memories that had been haunting him and left only the sky. A bright pale blue behind his eyes as he was once more staring out at the valley the moment before taking off into flight.
The trembling wouldn't stop but he hardly cared to stop it as he slowly opened his swollen eyes, the tears and force he had applied to keep them shut made them almost impossible to open. But he still managed to squint through his tear burned eyes at the man holding him close. Face gently resting on Sanji's shoulder, eyes closed and brow furrowed as he seemed to be battling with something as well, but upon seeing that face Sanji finally let out his first shuddering breath that allowed his breathing to fall back into something more calm.
Reaching out a tender hand – still blood coated and nails pained from earlier – he cautiously took a green strand of hair into his grip. Rolling the soft strands between his fingers he was mildly surprised at how soft it felt under his calloused fingertips, but beyond that there was the stark accompaniment of the fact that the man in front of him was very much real, and that the comfort was just as real too.
A tanned hand slowly slide from his side to clasp around Sanji's hand, lowering the hand away from Zoro's hair as it was pulled into his chest and held close as those violet eyes finally opened again and were looking at Sanji once more. No pity, sadness or sympathy; just reassurance and a tinge of remorse that reflected the man's empathy.
"It's not weak, to feel pain. Hiding your weakness, however, is." Zoro murmured quietly and Sanji was once more looking up at Zoro like the saviour he was. Just like when he had lost all hope in the forest he had looked up at this man whom was his last chance at salvation, and now here he was again looking up in complete helplessness as gentle words were whispered to him, "Don't be ashamed."
"I d-don't-" Sanji stuttered quietly, breathing still not quite coming to him naturally, as the action of simply speaking had his eyes stinging once more. Raising a weak hand he lightly grasped at his chest, "I don't know why it hurts so much."
"Because you don't just get physical wounds." Zoro murmured quietly into Sanji's hair, hand coming up to gently stroke at the golden strands, "They hurt you on the inside too."
Tears still leaked from his eyes but it felt like he had nothing else left to give as his weak body was no longer listening to his commands. Only managing to resting his head against Zoro's shoulder as he stared hazily out at the opposing stone wall as he took in Zoro's words. Internal sobs still occasionally shook his body as the small jerks had become completely involuntarily and he just was left to wait until his body calmed down.
"Remember that everyone here has had to go through the same thing." Zoro murmured soothingly, hand continuing the gentle caressing down Sanji's back, occasionally straying to give soothing massages into the joints and feathers of his wings. Large palm pressing reassuring into the skin and rubbing softly, while keeping his face nestled into Sanji's hair.
"Nami often has to sleep with Luffy because of her nightmares." Zoro muttered quietly, not voicing the fact to anyone in particular as he kept his eyes closed calmly, "Chopper usually comes to my room or Usopp's to sleep because he's scared of the dark. Robin is too proud to admit it, but she stays with Franky at night. Brook will stay up most nights playing violin."
Sanji sat quietly as he listened to the words Zoro spoke absently into his hair. And though he felt foolish for not seeing it sooner, he knew exactly what Zoro was trying to say;
Everyone here understood.
No one here was any stronger nor weaker when it came to how Impel had affected them. Each and everyone else in the base had broken down at some point or needed to be held as they had spilt their pain in the only way possible; through tears, screams and yells. The darkness that Impel had managed to worm into all of their lives was affecting all of them just as bad as it was to Sanji.
Zoro however had subtly left out himself while explaining the reassurance that each of the crew sought out in their times of weakness. But even without saying anything Sanji already knew.
Zoro had his insomnia.
Sitting awake for hours at a time while too afraid to shut off the lights and be embraced by the memories of Impel that would immediately come with the dark. Eyes too afraid to be shut from what would be emblazoned on the back of the dark lids. Flashes of unbelievable pain, pictures of dank rooms and cold tables with leather straps dangling from them, the cold sensation of stone under foot, clammy hands grasping at your body and the icy iron of the rusted bars of the cells. Being embraced by the light seemed to be the only thing that could really help keep those thoughts at bay.
Zoro may have been physically invincible but really, he was just like Sanji and everyone else in this damned mountain. All having physically healed after escaping Impel, but still holding wounds deep down that hadn't yet congealed and become scars yet. Internally bleeding as nothing seemed to be able to staunch the flow except for those small moments of humanity that made him feel a little bit more whole than the day before.
Sanji felt guilty at being so oblivious to the pain of everyone else, while he himself had been trying so desperately to lock his own sadness away. He had been so distracted he hadn't stopped to fully realize that he was trying to bury his demons just as bad as the rest of them.
In the quiet din of the stone hallway they sat together, shadows from the flickering candles dancing across the walls to create calming weaving patterns of darkness and light. Sanji remained leaning heavily in Zoro's arms as everything in his body just became numb; the pain from his wounds dulling, the hurt for so long within him evening out, and all the mental torment that had kept him in constant fear was silenced. And as he slipped into the dark oblivion of sleep he only felt the arms around him tighten further.
TBC...
[1] culling; something picked out from the others, rejected because of inferior quality
[2] black scales; swan's have black scales on their legs
A/N: This became so much heavier than I meant it to, but I really wanted to stress the depth of PTSD here...