Oh my gosh! 35 reviews! I logged on this morning to see if I had a review or two and couldn't believe it! I'm super happy you love my writing but also great to see so many agreed with me about Rachel. I literally felt I was watching someone maul the show on Tuesday when I watched everything unfold. I am sorry to have not updated my other stories but the thought of happy Finchel is just not working right now. I mean, like Rachel said, I don't even know who Finn is anymore, so different to the Finn is Furt. He needs to do some serious apologising! Anyways, chapter 2 is up. Enjoy. The song lyric at the start is Whip My Hair by Willow.
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (just whip it)
I whip my hair back and forth
I whip my hair back and forth (whip it real good)
I have to admit my morning routine is a little more exhilarating now I've ditched the elliptical trainer. I down my banana and flaxseed smoothie (some traditions stay the same) and spend the next five minutes dancing around my bedroom. Maybe it's not the rigorous exercise routine I'm used to, but dancing, shaking my hair crazily, feeling my heart pounding beneath my chest, well it makes me feel good. And that can't be a bad thing right now.
I picked this as my go to shower song a month ago as it totally summed up the importance of ambition. An eleven year old singing an annoyingly catchy song and taking the pop world by storm? That should have been me! It made me realise that perhaps I needed to try harder, if an eleven year old could achieve her ambitions, then why couldn't I at 16? It became a metaphor, for what I should have been achieving but wasn't. Then I realised that she was Will Smith's daughter so he'd probably catapulted her into the showbiz elite without any effort on her part. Then I realised that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be a singer. But by that time it was too late and the song remained; like I say it's really catchy.
It's been a week since my leaving the Glee club and it's slowly getting easier. I walk by sometimes and I see them, sometimes doing vocal warm-ups or arguing over song selections and other than an overwhelming desire to offer constructive criticism, it's fine. But occasionally I'll hear them all, perfectly in sync together, and I miss that. The moment you realise your truly part of a team; part of something special. But if I'm honest those moments were few and far between. It just isn't worth the pain.
He didn't call me. I shouldn't have been surprised really. I still cheated on him. I still hurt him. Even if we were part of something special, sometimes it's not enough. Besides, I think, there's a part of me that still mad, a part of me that's still processing his look at Santana as she walked down the hallway, a part of me that keeps hearing echoes of 'sure she's super hot' over in my head. Maybe it's easier not to speak right now. It seems it anyway.
As I arrive at school and reach my locker I see him, talking with Puck, laughing. It strikes me as hypocrisy, in Glee there's such a double standard between the sexes. But I'm not in Glee anymore, so I let it go.
I miss him. It catches me off guard so much that it feels like I've been punched in the gut. I really really miss him.
She's waiting for me at my locker. I shouldn't be surprised. I knew she would find me eventually, once the news broke.
"So Berry I hear you've quit Glee and delivered a speech about Self-esteem. That's my kind of exit speech. You know who has self-esteem?"
"Madonna?" I answer confidently. It's usually the answer to one of Ms Sylvester's questions.
"No me. I have so much self-esteem that the only person worth loving is myself. Literally. And what with Santana getting a boob job and Quinn getting knocked up I need self-esteem injection boost Cheerios."
She throws the uniform at me, in what I assume is an invitation. I guess she's dismissing pleasantries.
I know it's not really about self-esteem. It's about Mr Shue. Anything that he can't have she wants. And she knows he wants… needs me, in Glee. So she's going to steal me instead to spite him. The things is despite my reluctance at being used as a pawn in one of her games; I'm going to let her. Aren't I supposed be trying new things? It beats science club, which I have to admit was beyond awful. Dissecting a frog, really?
She's talking again. I catch part of it something about practice starts tonight, three days a week, to wear my uniform at all times and then I hear it as head singer. Who said anything about singing?
"I don't want to sing" I tell her. She looks at me in amazement. "But having you on the squad is part of my plan to fuse music and cheer routines and as a result become unstoppable at nationals." I shake my head fiercely. I don't want to sing. Not like this. I'll be the singer again. Wasn't this about something different, something new?
"Mrs Sylvester. I've been taking ballet lessons since I was three. I think you'll find I'm more than capable than learning routines. Whilst my vocal talent is impressive, I want to be able to rely on my talent for dancing rather than my obvious aptitude for singing."
She shrugs. See, I told you it's not about the team. They've won Nationals five years in a row. It's about Mr Shue.
"and I'll wear this" I add, motioning towards the uniform, "but only on the days we practice. You know some of the cheerio's wear these things 24/7."
"you're a cheerio now" she replies simply.
"I'm on the cheerio squad" I answer simply, holding the uniform up for inspection "there's a difference."
She nods as she walks away. I don't think she got it, not really, but like always she's got want she wanted.
I'm on the cheerio squad.
I'm not a cheerio. I'm not being defined by my extra-curricular activities again. As for the uniform, I think as I move towards the bathroom to change in to it, I'll wear it, sometimes. The skirts a little short now the weathers getting chilly but it'll be fine with black tights. There's a distinct lack of patterns but as I smooth it over my body I realise it's not a bad fit. I'm not quite ready to scrape my hair back in a high pony so I settle on a messy bun, leaving my bangs to fall and meet my eyebrows. I look….different. But that's what it's supposed to be about, right?
Santana approaches me as I'm doing my stretches. Well, I'm not really stretching, I'm just pretending to, so I don't have to converse with the dozen cheerios that can't stop staring at me. "So we're on the same team now Berry." She states and I roll my eyes. "We were always on the same team Santana, remember?"
"Yes, but this is different, we're equal now. We're both Cheerio's."
Santana, using a metaphor. Who'd have thought it? I laugh as I realise that this all it ever was to her. Power; being higher than me. She tore my relationship apart and made me feel awful about myself and that was all it was ever about.
"So Finn is kinda lame since you hooked up with Puck and all. It's disgusting, like he wears all black and he hardly ever sings in Glee."
I'm confused as to whether she wants me to feel pity or elation; so I settle on both.
I miss him. I really really miss him.
I shrug, lost in thought. She seemed stunned by my lack of conversational skills. I just don't know what there is to say. Well, I know what I want to say…but I digress.
"Do you want me to apologise Berry? Is that it?" she asks, getting angry now. "I've done nothing wrong, he was a good looking single guy and I was available."
"You're always available" I mutter. Okay, that was bitchy I know. I couldn't help myself.
She laughs sarcastically. "You know the dinner; well it was just a burger really."
I'm not sure why she is sharing this information. Is it supposed to make me feel better or be appalled at Finn's lack of dating etiquette?
"He cried afterwards. He said it didn't mean anything, that it was mistake. That is should have been you."
It's what I always wanted to hear. But from him. It's what I wanted him to say when the tears were trickling down my face and I was in so much pain I couldn't breath, but he didn't. Why didn't he?
I miss him. I really really miss him.
"I mean he loves you, I don't get it but he loves you. I thought that maybe, just maybe…" Her face softens and I snap. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her. So I say it…
"Excuse me, am I supposed to feel sorry for you?"
"He loves you, I'm just saying."
"Please" I say, angrily "like your really going to play the role of the poor lonely easy cheerio. You don't love Finn, hell you don't even like him to out his secret like you did. You're just wounded he's not trailing after you like every other guy you give it up to does. For a while anyways. The thing is Santana, the easy cheerio? That's your role. You cast yourself into it, no one forced you. Just like no-one forced me into the role of Glee captain. I chose it, I get that now. So if you're sad, if you're lonely, then go and do something about, but really, I figure you just can't stand that at one point, despite my flaws, despite my sexual inhibitions he needed me, he wanted me, far more than he ever needed you."
With that she retreats back, like an animal slowly tiptoeing away from its predator. I'd like to think that I've hit a nerve and she'll change. However, she's probably taking her time to think of the bitchiest comeback that will cause the most distress to me.
This is Santana we're talking about here.
As I run to grab my water bottle from my locker, I see him standing there. Watching.
"So you're one of those now?" he asks, not even attempting to hide the bitterness in his voice.
It's kind of ironic considering he's only been with 3 women and 2 of them were cheerios.
"It's something new" I state fiddling nervously with the chain of my necklace. His eyes go to it immediately. The R stands boldly, mocking the fact that I ever wore his name around my neck. I wish I still wore his name around my neck.
"It's different" he replies, calmer now.
"It is. It's different. It's all different." I say "Well, perhaps we're equal now" I say, half joking, thinking back to Santana's comment, in an attempt to break the silence.
He shakes his head silently "We were never equal Rach" he replies quietly as he starts to walk away. "You were always way above me and I was just lucky to keep up." I watch him until he becomes just a grain of sand in the distance. It takes everything I have not to rush home and cry my eyes out but I can't. I have cheerio practice remember.
I miss him, I think as I make my way back to the gymnasium.
I really really miss him.
Ah angst! Sorry I can't think of a way to wrap this up in a fluffy story right now but perhaps after the christmas episode I will. I am sorry if Santana comes across a total bitch, but if there is supposed to be a redeemable quality to her I sure don't get it! After the overwhelming support for chapter 1, I'm not expecting as many reviews but it would seriously make my day, my week, if you could leave a comment.