Thanks for all the review guys! Not as many as last chapter but still lots of support from you all. I rewatched the episode again and I am still so confused about Finn. Here's how my though process went.
no Santana has told Rachel the news must be devastated. Except he doesn't look devastated and he's not actually defended himself.
2. Did he say Santana was super hot? And how dare he say he wanted to tell her but she was 'crazy?'
3. Will he ever walk out after her when she storms out? Brilliant, after not being remotely interested for about 6 months now is the time to check Santana out in the hallway.
4. Why when Santana says no one likes her, does he decide now is the time to yell at Rachel some more?
5. Temporarily feel sorry for him during break up scene. Except why is it"how could you do this to me." Also this could have been avoided if he said that 50 minutes ago.
away from Santana during Dog Days! Are you even upset?
So yeah I don't get Finn at all. So here's the next chapter. To reiterate they're at Finn's house.
I stumble down the steps, doing everything I can not to falter, to not collapse. I can do that once I get away from him. It has taken everything not to rush back, back into his arms and kiss him once more. But it wouldn't be right. And I need to do the right thing. For both of us.
My hand trembles as I fiddle with the door lock. Then, finally I'm outside. I'm free.
It's snowing. Just in time for Christmas, I think. My boots crush the snow into the ground and my hand instinctively reaches for my hair to feel the snowflakes that have settled lightly on my head. I love snow. Snow, to me is a metaphor to everything celebratory about the holiday season. I may not celebrate Christmas but what's not to love about this time a year? Sleigh rides. Snowmen. Sledging. Hot Chocolate. Reading a book by the fire.
It's crisp, clean, newly fallen and it's stunning. Like out on a postcard. Except eventually I think, something will come along. Hands will scrap the snow from the ground to use as ammunition in juvenile fights. Footprints will muddy the ground so the colour changes from white to an off brown dirty colour and it will never look the same. The rain will turn it into slush that clings to your feet. Soon I guess, the sun will melt it away all together, and it'll be like it was never there. I can't help but think of my relationship with Finn. It started off so perfectly, almost too perfectly. On reflection I was scared, so scared of ruining it, tarnishing it, that sometimes I'd tiptoe around him, around us. I was so terrified of making us flawed, yet look at us now. We're starting to melt away all together.
I can honestly say that my break up with Finn was the worst day of me life, except a tiny part of me, just a tiny part of me you understand, was relieved. Because deep down I'd always been waiting for this to happen, expecting for him to realise that he was too good for me. I guess it's a relief because I don't have to wait anymore. I know what you're thinking and your right. That fear, that panic, it was about me not him. He didn't made me feel that way, well not intentionally anyway. I made myself feel that way. I was the one that never felt good enough, never pretty enough, never popular enough, never liked enough to be his girlfriend. So if we got back together now, then I'd just be waiting wouldn't I, for to happen again? And I get it now, I think. I get that I need to work on liking myself before I can truly believe that he loves me.
The snow is falling heavier now and then I realise. I'm still on Finn's driveway. Without a car. And my house is at least half and hour away. Part of me wants to trudge home through the snow as the weather suits my melancholy perfectly, but on the other hand… well it's really cold. I notice the light go off in Finn's bedroom and here his footsteps pound down the stairs. Great! He must of seen me from the window. He knows I excel at storm outs but he must assume that I'm waiting patiently for him to follow me out. Which I'm not. But now I think about, he's never followed me when I storm out. Not once.
"Do you want me to drive you home?" he asks, and although I'm screaming no inside, my head is nodding because it's really cold and I just want to run myself a bath and drown myself in tears.
He opens the passenger door and I climb inside. We drive in silence like we always do. Finn likes to concentrate on the roads. Except that usually during our silent drives we're comfortable, easy. Finn will gentle hum to the song on the radio whilst every time we get to a stop light I like to lean over and kiss his cheek or squeeze his thigh. This time, however, the silence is pure pain. The air is crackling with all the things we want to say to each other but don't.
"I love you" he says as he opens the door to let me out of the car. The snow is still falling and my whole driveway has been enveloped in snow.
"I love you too." I reply. Because I do. It's not long now. In less than ten steps I'll be inside, away from all this. In less than thirty, I'll be in the bathtub. I can make it.
He takes it as a sign and leans into kiss me, in what should be a picture perfect moment with the snowflakes falling around us. Yet I pull my head away. It's not right, not yet. I need to get inside. He sighs and lets me go reluctantly. I rush to the door and gasp as I make it. I watch his headlights fade away into the distance.
And that's when I truly start to cry. I cry for the mistakes I made. I cry for the lies he told. I cry at the thought of him with her. I cry at the loneliness I feel. I cry for the boy I'm so in love with. I mostly cry for the fact that the love I feel just isn't enough anymore.
The sound of my phone vibrating temporarily distracts me and I attempt to hastily wipe my tears. I reach into my jean pocket, it's a message from him.
From: Finn
I love you. Why did you go? R u breaking up with me now then? I dnt understand. I forgive u + I love you x
I have a thousand questions in my mind and I stare at the phone, willing it to answer them. Yet I know our relationship can't be solved in a maximum of 100 characters. I pick myself up from the floor, wiping my tears, as I make my way into the bathroom. R u breaking up with me now then? When did we get back together? Did he think those kisses were enough to just put the pieces back together? Did he think I love you was enough to undo the hurt we've caused each another? Did he really think that I, Rachel Berry, would get back together with someone without so much of a conversation about the problem? Of course I'm not breaking up with him. I would never break up with him. We're just not back together.
As I begin to run the bath water, my phone comes to life again. Another message.
From: Finn
I just want to go back, why can't we just go back?
I steady myself whilst sinking into the bathtub. Shaking still, I type a reply.
From: Rachel
To where Finn? To the part where you kissed me but left me alone in the auditorium? To the part where you pretended to be with me but used me for a music scholarship? To the time when you dumped me to be a rockstar? To the part where you slept with her? To the part where we lied to each other?
I'm angry, not for all the times he's left me but for the fact that he just doesn't get thing about Finn is we've both hurt each other so many times, that going back, well going back is never an option.
He replies almost as soon as I have sent it.
From: Finn
To the time when you were in love with me.
I sigh as I sink deeper into the water. I have always, always been in love with Finn Hudson. I always will be.
As the water wraps itself around me, my tears fade and I begin to feel numb. I shut my eyes to drown out everything, but mainly just to drown out him saying he's in love with me. I want so much to go back but I know that we can't.
Why doesn't Finn get it? I think.
I climb out of the tub and wrap myself in a fluffy white towel. I glance at my calendar that hangs proudly on my bedroom wall. Each month has an inspiration quotation from a famous musical. Except, well, they don't inspire me as much as I used to.
All I want for Christmas is playing on the radio. So I start to sing, well hum at first. Until I'm singing again, I feel like I'm singing to him, like all my pain is coming out with my voice. And after I finish the final note, I feel calmer. It feels so good. All along I've been avoiding singing, convincing myself it was defining me, defining my unhappiness. But perhaps it wasn't. Perhaps it was them, the Glee club, that was defining me.
I can still sing. Just not with them.
I'm not going back. Not back to Finn, not with Glee. But I'm going forward. Going forward is my only chance of being happy. I start to comb my hair through as I glance at the calendar again. I have a writing club meeting in an hour at the library down the street. I've always like to write, god knows I'm articulate enough for it, so I'm going to give it a go. I've got to keep moving forward.
If only Finn would realise that obsessing with our past is not the answer, I think. The only way we can make it now is to start figuring out our future.
I am not sure how proud I am of these chapter as there's not much plot development righ now. However, I think Finn is slowly getting there, perhaps we'll get an 'i'm sorry' soon? I love reading your reviews, they seriously make me write faster and I want to get into the hundreds. Loving all your insight into the episode. Anyway, remember R&R.