Okay so I watched Furt and I fell in love with Finn again. Then I watched Special Education and hated him. So I'm confused. As a result, this chapter is slightly more optimistic. Nearly 20 reviews for the last chapter which is fab! Enjoy the next chapter.
Almost as soon as it had begun, the snow melted away. And I tried not to over think things, tried not to over-analyse my metaphor of Finn and I's relationship like I usually do. So instead I threw myself into Cheerio practice, carried on with my writing and started singing. I've started to record my performances again. I'm not posting them on Myspace yet, you understand, the demands of my 43 fans from South East Asia will have to wait. Whilst I'm thrilled that I've found singing again, I don't want to expose my voice to the nation anymore.
And by the nation I mean them.
And by them, I mean more specifically, well him.
Because when I sing you see, well I'm singing about him to him.
It's been several days since our brief almost reunion. I feel awful for not replying to that last text but the thing is I've always loved Finn Hudson. And if he doesn't get that, then there are so many things I don't get about him. So I'm growing more content to let us thaw for a little a while, because the truth is, if we go back there before we're ready, we'll end up evaporating altogether. At least now we're hanging on to something, however small that possibility may be.
Coach Sylvester's megaphones echo's around the field, exploding my ear drums. I need to concentrate on my routines I think, or I'm seriously in danger of becoming mediocre. And mediocre people end up on the bottom of the squad; that just won't do.
I see him on the steps watching me. It strikes me odd as to how many times I've watched him, pined for him, yet now it's me on the field and him watching from a distance.
I can make out another figure and then I realise. It's Puck. Whilst listening intently to Couch Sylvester's routine, demonstrated impeccably by Quinn, my fists begin to clench. I'm waiting for fists to fly or at the very least for Finn to storm off. Yet, neither happens. I watch as Finn simply makes the space and Puck sits down. There's no way I can lip read from such an incredible distance, yet from what I gather they're saying nothing at all. Finn is still staring and Puck is watching.
Watching Finn, watching me.
As Mrs Sylvester demotes Jackie (the super annoying cheerleader who starts every sentences with OMG and is a staunch believer that the only punctuation mark worth using is an exclamation mark.) to the bottom of a pyramid, a time out is called. Coach has to take her HRT medication, so she sends Amber (a surprising intelligent girl; she's helped me learn not to judge a book by its cover) to grab it. The rest of the squad down their master cleanse, whilst attempting to flinch. I tuck into a cereal bar greedily and am glad to see Quinn is swallowing and Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. I guess some lessons stay with you, however the circumstances change.
I'm desperate to be a part of Puck and Finn's conversation. Desperate to know if they're talking about me. Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps I'm flattering myself and they're talking about Glee, football, computer games, or whatever the hell guys talk about when they get together. I watch as they make there way into the school building. Now's my chance. I pull my oversized hoodie up over my head and shove my headphone into my ears. I keep the correct pace as I follow them, a look of disinterest on my face should they turn around and spot me. They don't notice me at all. What can I say? I excel at amateur dramatics.
They reach Finn's locker so I sneak around the corner, next to science lab. Luckily Finn and Puck are speaking pretty loud so I can catch their conversation. I realise, as I make out the end of the sentence, that Finn is shouting as I take in his clenched fists and the anger straining his face.
"whatever man, you know I'm in love with her so why her?" I get a shiver of excitement at the thought of him, despite everything, still being so bold about his feelings for me.
Did he tell Santana that? I think. Did she know he loved me? Did he love me back then?
I flinch as Puck shouts back, "Seriously! She's hot man! And perhaps if you told her that once in a while rather than singing about how amazing your brother is, then she wouldn't need me to make her feel like a real women."
The thing about Puck is that he's surprisingly perceptive. Not about the duet part, I mean that was totally sweet for Finn to do that for Kurt and I whole-heartedly approved. But the whole needing to feel something. He gets that it wasn't about him, that it was about Finn.
Even though I haven't got a clear view of him, I can picture Finn's face as he says,"Dude that's way out of line. You totally split us up, before your thing we were totally awesome and stuff. Then bam. The return of frickin Puckleberry."
Puckleberry. It makes me a smile, just at the ridicolous idea of Puck and I. Together. As a name, it's nothing compared to Finchel.
"Listen man, I didn't want to say anything because I have a rep and all but the reason I stopped making out with her..."
I freeze as Puck pauses. What if it's something about me? Like I'm inadequate as a make out partner. I scold myself because I honestly don't care what Puck thinks of me, in that way. Finn is the only one that matters.
" She said, no wait, moaned your name dude! That's not the first time she did it either bro. However hot she is, especially when she went all Britney with those sweet belly tops, nobody calls the Puckazilla by the other name."
I cringe. And I'm not sure what I'm cringing for. Firstly, the fact that I moaned. Do I moan often? I think Does Finn hear me moan? Then I cringe thinking back to my homage of Ms Spears. Don't get my wrong I totally admire her commitment at reinventing herself as a worldwide superstar but I feel a little sad. Because that reinvention was all about him; wanting him to notice me. I even rejoiced in him being kicked off the football squad because I wanted us to feel equal. If I was a loser I wanted him to be a loser. The irony of wanting the one you love to be a happy totally passed me by.
I've heard enough. For now at least. I jog back to practice to find Jackie jostling with Santana over the position on the pyramid. She's desperate to get on the top of the chain or at very least the middle. She's eyeing me suspiciously, thinking about a way she can topple me. What can I say? Cheerios, on the whole at least, are mean.
"My eyes are burning!" Sue yells, not even needing her megaphone this time. I can't concentrate as a barrage of criticism rolls of her tongue. I'm not good at accepting anything but constant praise but with Mrs Sylvester you get used to it pretty quickly. I mean she criticises anything and everything. On Monday she said I repulsed her because the whiteness of my shoelaces wasn't a perfect match with my sneakers.
As we're dismissed altogether I head back towards the lockers to grab my coat. I glance at the word Finn, printed on sugary pink paper. I took the 4ever part down the day he broke up with me, but the Finn part, well I shoved it to the back of my locker but it's still there. Because I can't believe they'll ever be a time when the word won't be important to me.
As I rush to my car, in an attempt to avoid the cold weather, I hear my name being called.
"Rach." I refuse to believe it's him. Because my names been called more than once this week and it was never him. Yet no one else calls me Rach.
"Rach!" he says again, jogging towards me.
I fiddle with my hair nervously as I wait for him to catch up with me. To anyone else we look like a clichéd high school couple; the cheerleader and the quarterback. Yet despite our new found similarity in status. Despite the fact that people tend to smile at me in the hallway, rather than drench me with a slushie, I still feel further away from him. Because when we got together it felt like he was my everything. I'd pinch myself and say "you have him now. After all the heartache, after all the waiting, after all the feelings of second best you have him now. You're Finn's girlfriend. Don't screw it up." But I did screw it up, we both did. And now? I want to be Finn's girlfriend so much, but I want to be other things too.
"Rach" he says slowly, his gaze serious. "Rach, I'm sorry."
It's not perfect, it's not everything yet it's enough to keep to us going; to stop us disappearing altogether like the snowfall which is now a distant memory. I want us to be more than a memory.
"I'm sorry too Finn." Because I am.
It's a start.
I'm really rubbish at writing Puck/Sue so please forgive me for that. I would love the reviews to keep coming! If I could get to like 140 ish that would be amazing! I need something to distract me from tonight's episode (dreading!).