Next chapter up. How depressing was the christmas episode! Finn needs to seriously grow up, that line "can't you see how messed up I am, you've done this." Next second, he's joking away with Puck as you do. He is a total idiot. With that in mind, here we go...
This Christmas was the worst of my life. In some ways, it was also my best. Life's confusing like that, isn't it?
Please excusing my musing tone, you see it's my new role. Yes, that's right, I Rachel Berry am a hard-hitting journalist! Well I got a role on the school paper. I'm co-ordinator of school related gossip and I have my own column! I think the guy only gave it me because they thought being on the cheerio's I'd know all the gossip but I'll prove I'm the best damn writer they can hire (well, find to volunteer, since it's a free gig). This is my chance to show there's another side to me.
As for the newly cut cheerio shaped hole in Rachel Berry, well, where do I begin? Firstly I sung All I want for Christmas for the Cheerio's booster club invitational in the last week of school. The thing is I wear the uniform three times a week yet my decision to avoid becoming a cliché has simply been ignored by my fellow students. I'm simply cheerio Rachel, which perhaps beats 'the short girl who's dating the quarterback' An improvement I guess? I mean I'm being defined by my extra curricular activities now rather than my height (or lack of it) and who's on my arm.
I guess the feminist inside me that my dads installed should be proud, except, well I quite liked being the girl who's dating the quarterback. I was proud to be dating the quarterback; dating him.
Mrs Sylvester kept screaming at me and like I said I've wanted to sing again, just not with Glee. So I sung the song and it was amazing. People were cheering me. Cheering my name. It was always supposed to be this way, I thought.
Except for the next day. When I quit the cheerio's.
I apologies for writing in the present tense, writing to you as if I was still part of the squad. However, a good writer must deceive the reader to create suspense and I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? I'm now officially known as 'the freak who quit the cheerios.' So why did I quit? The night after the performance I spent all night tossing and turning, between fits of dreaming of nothing in particular. I felt desperate to explore why my new found elation had quickly faded. Whythe high was short lived, like eating a candy bar and I was left just feeling numb. When the last high I seem to remember, finally becoming Finn's girlfriend, seemed to envelope me over a whole summer. It was around 3 am when it finally hit me. Because it's just not me. It seemed like an overly simple moment of clarity for someone of my advanced vocabulary, yet it made sense at the time and it still does. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep but it was enough to make me hand over my resignation and my uniform back to Mrs Sylvester later that day. It was unfortunate that she stood on my foot and broke my toe but it's started to heal now and my resolve towards my decision remains strong.
I've been trying to stay strong, for all the decisions I've made. After we broke up from school, I tried so hard to stay busy. I spent Christmas Eve reading the Dummies Guide to Journalism whilst eating homemade chocolate brownies and downing eggnog. It wasn't what I fantasised but it was ok. A part of me wanted to ask Santa for him again, but the concept of wishing for someone just seemed so silly. It wasn't last year.
As I yawned and shuffled to lock the front door that night, Finn was there, holding the mistletoe in front of my face. I should have guessed all along that my Christmas would involve him in someway. He said that when he thought about Christmas, any time of celebration, only makes sense if I'm involved, if it's me and him. It was as close as a frank discussion about our situation so I accepted and let him in. After our third glass of milk and devouring a plate of his I'm sorry cookies, we found ourselves on my bed. This time no-one left. We stayed there, involved with intermissions of talking and making out, until he snuck out of my room at 6am. I noticed that as I watch his car pull away that it was snowing again. I was convinced it was a sign yet the next day the snow was disgusting, a mushy gloopy mess sticking to my feet and the magic was gone.
I haven't spoke to him since.
Except tomorrow's the first day back at school and he's asked me to meet him. So as I speak I'm standing outside in the freezing cold waiting for his truck to pull over.
I huddle myself closer as he finally arrives. I jump into the car. I almost want to lean over and kiss him like we usually do, but instead I pretend to be fascinated with my seatbelt. We drive in silence as usual, which is a relief, because after all these weeks it seems were no nearer to saying what we want to say, no nearer to knowing what we want to say.
As we pull up at his house he turns the key in the ignition and for a moment we're happy to sit in the silence. Then he takes my hand.
"I want us to go back to school together as a couple Rach," he says, handing me a small box wrapped in metallic paper. "It's your Christmas present, I meant to give it you Christmas Eve but you looked really pretty and I got er distracted."
I rip the paper carefully to reveal a small red box. I peek inside. It's a necklace. It's the necklace I always wanted him to get me but instead ended up buying myself.
Yet this time instead of saying Finn it says Finchel in petite gold letters. A part of me is thrilled and wants to put it on my neck immediately, I'm so proud to be a part of Finchel.
The other part of me thinks it's typical that our couple name would have to have most of his first name and a little bit of me tagged on the end. I know. I know I'm being ridiculous.
"Finn, we can't go back there" I say.
"but I love you Rach, I want to go back there."
"You know what occurred to me Finn?" I reply "That I've sung far too many songs about loving you from a far, or being angry with you, or wanting you back than I ever have about just being content with you."
It's true. Maybe angst is good for our performances. Perhaps if we'd sung No Air at Regionals rather than Faithfully we'd have won it.
"The fact is Finn" I add, "we've survived a pregnant girlfriend and a very cheesy older boyfriend." I watch as he flinches at the mention of Jesse, "All the obstacles are gone now and it's still hard." I continue, "We're sixteen years old, our relationship should be easy but it isn't. What's going to happen if we got married, or move away, or if we have no money and are struggling to get by?"
In his defence he doesn't even flinch as I mention future commitments. I, on the other hand, try desperately not to think of my fantasy of me and Finn living in a poky flat in the heart of NYC, struggling to find our way in the world and spending each day happily pounding the pavements. Not that I've thought about it. Not much anyways.
"I want to be happy Finn." I say "I want to be uncomplicated and stress free and I just want to live my life for a while. I can't do that if we get back together now. I want, I want us to be friends." Deep down there are so many more things that I want. I've thought constantly about it but this is the only way I can truly be happy. For now.
He gently prises the box out of my fingers and puts it in the glovebox. "For safe keeping," he says as he starts up the car again, defeated almost. After a ten minute journey we're back to where we started, at my house.
"What if I don't want to be friends?" he asks quietly, as he opens the car door to let me out.
"Then we're nothing Finn" I say quietly "and I love you too much to be nothing."
His voice starts to quiver as he envelopes himself in my arms.
"We'll never be nothing Rach" he whispers into my ear. My eyes start to well up. How did we get here? It used to just be Finn and Rachel.
"Maybe next year" we both say at the same time. There are a thousands ways the sentence could end.
Maybe next year we'll hate each other.
Maybe next year I'll be with Quinn and you'll be with Puck.
Maybe next year life will change so much we'll barely recognise each other.
Maybe next year, just maybe, we'll find our way back.
Awkward laughter fills the air and I look towards him,smiling, just briefly. There are a thousands ways the sentence could end but he gets it; he thinks the same as me.
I shiver as I force the key into the lock. In many ways it's a perfect conclusion to our relationship, we can finally focus on being friends. There's nothing left to say anymore and the silences can become comfortable rather than awkward. I turn back to wave goodbye and he's still watching me, smiling.
"Hey, friend" he shouts, "Come to back to Glee. Tomorrow. I'll drive you home"
Sometimes you can have a really perfect moment and Finn just ruins it.
Ooh, I am really happy where this story has gone as I really can't see a way of them being totally happy again. One more chapter to go I think just to wrap up Rachel and the Glee issue. Your reviews have been fab and I don't want to disappoint so I'd love some feedback on where you'd like the story to go. Do you want them to get together, Finn to do some more grovelling or just leave it as friends? Please let me know. Read and review!