Chapter 2

"Listen everyone… gather round. I need to address something," Chandler declared as he made his way to the center of the incident room.

Mansell let out an exaggerated heave as he got up from his desk while Riley moved closer with a slightly worried look on her face. Miles stayed put near the back of the room leaning against a desk with his arms crossed. It wasn't an act of defiance as much as a desire to observe the rest of them.

Kent had decidedly remained at his desk. His energy was running low and he was in no mood to move any closer to his DI. Just looking into Chandler's deep blue eyes gave Kent a painful lovesick feeling in his stomach and he figured that the more distance he could keep between himself and the other man, the better it was for his own sanity.

"I just wanted to address something that has been of great concern to me lately," Chandler shifted nervously. "I know we've all been under a lot of pressure with our caseload and I know that it's wearing on our nerves. But we can't let this affect our performance. Apart from all that, I want to reiterate that the Met does provide a valuable support line for those who need it. If you feel that your job performance is being affected negatively by any sort of stress, I would strongly suggest you take advantage of this resource."

Chandler scanned each of the faces around him until his gaze fell upon Kent. The latter's chin was leaning forward against his palm and his gaze was averted. Chandler had the distinct sensation that his young DC was purposely avoiding his eyes.

"For all our sakes, we need to pull together as a team. While we're at work, our first priority should be our job performance. We can't allow petty arguments and personal distractions from getting in the way of our success as a team."

Kent shifted his eyes back to Chandler and almost got a chill up his spine when his gaze locked with the other man's. He became instantly uncomfortable and shifted in his chair.

Was Chandler speaking directly to him? Had he disappointed Chandler so much that the DI now felt he needed to scold him in front of everyone else? Kent felt his cheeks burn red with embarrassment. He wanted so badly to come back to his DI's good graces, but he was convinced that now it was too late for that. He'd sealed his fate when he so blatantly targeted his jealousy toward Morgan and alienated his DI.

Chandler took a deep breath and gazed down momentarily in thought, then continued, "But I know that I'm as much to blame as anybody else...if not more. So I want to apologize for my behavior of late and I promise that I for one will do better. But I need your support. All of you. Otherwise, we can't move forward successfully as a team," Chandler hoped that his message was somehow getting through to Kent, even though his DC was clearly either distracted or ignoring him. "...But if any of you ever feel the need to talk, my door is always open."

The rest of the group nodded in agreement and went back to their desks, but the pain in Kent's stomach was growing stronger. He wanted so badly to shout from the rooftops how much he was in love with this man. But he knew it was hopeless. With his impulsive actions all those months ago, he'd burned any remaining bridges he had to his DI. And he also knew that if he ever said anything to anybody, it could only make matters worse. With Chandler already angry at him for the fiasco with Morgan and now with his job performance in question, Kent couldn't risk adding disgust as another reason for his DI to dislike him.

Chandler stood in front of the mirror in the station's washroom and silently gazed at himself. He hoped that the talk he'd had with his team earlier that day made a difference to at least some of them. His apology was heartfelt and it had taken all the strength he had in order to muster those words.

But somehow he felt like it wasn't enough.

He knew that he had let them all down over the past few months—especially Kent, who had looked up to him so much before. And when he had seen the look on Kent's face back in the incident room, Chandler couldn't shake away the sick feeling he got inside. He'd failed Kent. He knew he had disappointed his young DC more than any of them; and because of his own pride, he took it out on the very person who believed in him the most.

Chandler closed his eyes and breathed heavily as he rubbed his temples with the tips of his fingers. He clenched his eyes shut as he tried to ignore the creeping, itchy compulsion to change his dress shirt again. It took all the strength he had to concentrate the lurking feeling out of his mind; but he knew that the more he tried to fight against it, the weaker his resolve to withstand it would become.

Chandler defeatedly removed his tie and unbuttoned the white dress shirt before reaching into his briefcase for a new, cleanly starched one. Just as he had let the used shirt slide down from his bare shoulders, Kent walked into the washroom and stopped dead in his tracks.

"Oh…I, um…I'm sorry, sir," Kent sputtered awkwardly while averting his eyes downward and turning to leave.

Chandler, suddenly feeling very naked and exposed, slipped the used shirt back over his shoulders and shut his eyes, breathing heavily. "Kent?" he called out. The younger man stopped at the door, knob in hand.

"Yes, sir?" Kent replied softly but did not turn around.

"…Nevermind," was all the DI could say.

Chandler took a deep breath and was just about to let Kent walk out the door when he stammered, "No… wait…stop. Is…um…is everything all right between us?"

Kent's subdued tone betrayed what he said, "I don't know what you mean, sir. Everything's fine."

"Kent, I may be a lot of things, but I'm not daft."

Kent slowly turned around to face Chandler but kept his head down in order to avoid looking into his superior's eyes. "I just…I'm just having difficulties in my personal life right now, sir. That's all. But I won't let it affect my performance anymore. I'm sorry."

Chandler studied his DC's face for a moment and then replied, "Look, I've been meaning to talk to you. I want to apologize for the way I've been acting toward you lately. I know there has been some tension between us and I'm afraid it's been my fault."

Kent bit his lip and looked up at Chandler's face, trying to avoid the sight of the man's chest peaking out from his unbuttoned shirt.

"There's nothing for you to apologize about, sir," he replied coldly.

Chandler sensed an unpleasant sting in the young detective's words. He considered that it would be prudent to end this conversation quickly but he still couldn't leave things as they were. "But I feel like I've treated you unfairly, especially since…" He couldn't utter the words.

Kent dropped his head and sighed. "It's alright, sir. Really. Um… I have to go. Mansell's waiting for me."

Chandler stood alone in the middle of the washroom feeling deflated as Kent opened the door and walked out. He suddenly felt very foolish for trying to apologize because it obviously wasn't enough. He valued Kent's loyalty more than anybody else's, except for possibly Miles. But now he felt it slipping through his fingers. What more could he have said or done to convince his DC to forgive him? Kent was sometimes so incredibly difficult to read. Chandler thought of all those times he'd looked into those wide, brown eyes and often wondered what secrets they kept hidden.

"How about we stop by the pub for a pint? My treat," Riley asked as she sat herself on the edge of Kent's desk. "You definitely look like you could use one."

"What about your kids? Don't you need to get home?"

"Eh, my sister has already been 'round the house to check up on them. They'll be fine," she replied. "And besides, I always need a good stiffener before I get home to those monsters." She leaned toward Kent and playfully knocked him with her elbow.

"I dunno. I was kind of in the mood to get home tonight and crash in front of the telly."

"Oh, come off it, lad. You and I both need a good strong drink after a day like this. And it will give us a chance to talk. There's nothing on telly tonight that's worth getting home to anyway, apart from Big Brother repeats. Believe me, I already checked the listings," she joked.

"Okay… what the hell," Kent replied as he rose from his desk and grabbed his jacket from its hook. "Tonight's as a good a night as any."

Chandler, having overheard bits and pieces of their conversation through his open office door, watched as his two DCs gathered their belongings and left for the night. He sat at his desk and pondered in silence.

The pub down the street from the station was fairly empty for a Thursday night, which was perfectly fine with Kent. He wasn't in the mood for loud conversation or rowdy football fans. Kent chose a quiet table by the corner window while Riley fetched two pints of bitter.

"So, how was your day, love?" she asked as she set the beers on the table and sat down.

Kent dropped his gaze to the glass in front of him. "It was fine I guess. What did you think about that talk the boss gave us?" He was fishing to see if Riley had noticed anything unusual about what the DI had said, but he didn't want to appear too conspicuous about it.

"For a minute there, I thought we were all going to get the sack!" she joked half-heartedly. But her smile faded when she noticed Kent still gazing at his beer without even the hint of a smile.

"Listen, love," she asked, "I've been wanting to get a chance to talk to you in private. There's no use denying something's been bothering you, so you might as well come out with it. Is there something you want to tell me? I want to help if I can." Riley reached across the small table and gently set her hand on top of his.

Kent looked up at her. He knew this moment had been coming, whether he wanted it or not. In a way, it would be a welcome relief to be able to open up to someone who genuinely seemed to care. But on the other hand, he was terrified to utter those words to someone he didn't know very well, much less to a colleague.

Riley studied his face silently for a moment before she offered a warm smile and squeezed his hand. "It's okay. I know."

"Know what?" Kent asked, trying not to sound defensive.

"You are who you are. There's no shame in that. I have a cousin who is and I love him to pieces."

Kent felt his cheeks flush and returned his stare to the cold glass of bitter in front of him. "How did you know?"

"Oh come off it, love! They don't call me Meg 'The Fruit Fly' Riley for nothing!" she joked heartily. "I've been around more gay blokes than you probably ever have. And besides, a woman's intuition never fails. I've learned to read the signals when I see them," she smiled and gave him a wink. "Are you out to your mates and your family?"

Kent sighed heavily. "Some of them. Not to anybody at work though. But I guess that cat's out of the bag now," he replied sarcastically.

"Oh tosh! You don't have to worry about me telling anybody. I can keep a secret just as good as the next person."

"I just particularly don't want Mansell to know," he stated quietly, "… or the boss."

Riley studied his eyes for a few moments with a look that implied both concern and interest. "You really don't have to worry, love. I understand a lot more than you probably think I do."

Kent breathed a sigh of relief and felt a small weight lift off his shoulders. He gazed at the warm face across the table and smiled to himself. Riley was a kindred spirit as far as he was concerned and he was comforted by the idea of having her as a new friend and ally.

"Is that all you needed to get off your chest?" she prodded inquisitively.

Kent looked down at his hands and began picking at a fingernail. He desperately wanted to tell someone about his feelings for Chandler, but he was certain that nobody would understand. He wasn't in the mood to receive a lecture about how Chandler was straight or how he would be better off finding someone else instead.

"It's him, isn't it?" she finally asked.

Kent didn't reply, but something inside instinctively told him that she was aware of who he was thinking about. He blushed a deep red and sat quietly in thought for a moment before joking half-heartedly, "What are you, a mind-reader or something?"

"It didn't take long to guess. I told you I could read the signals," she smiled.

Kent suddenly felt embarrassed. He knew it was a ridiculous idea, being in love with someone so unattainable. But he couldn't help the way he felt. If he'd had the chance, he would trade away these feelings for anything, if only to escape the pain. But it wasn't as easy as that. He looked up at her with a subdued but pleading look. "What do you think I should do?"

"Have you got it that badly?"

"Yes. It's bloody crippling me, no matter how hard I try to fight it," He replied quietly.

Riley let out a weighty sigh and looked at him with concern in her eyes. "Well love, I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what his preferences are…but either way, I don't want to see you get hurt. You're a lovely creature and I'd hate to see your heart get trampled on."

Kent looked down with defeat. It was a little too late for that.

"But on the other hand," she went on, "I've always been a firm believer that one should always follow one's heart... or however that old cliché goes," she said with a smile.

"Whenever I look at him, I feel like I need to throw up. But I can't help it! I fucking hate feeling this way. But he can't stand the sight of me, which makes it all worse."

"What makes you say that, love?" Riley asked with concern.

"That whole thing with Morgan Lamb. I was bloody jealous of her and all but said it to her face. And when he caught wind of it, he practically told me to fuck off," Kent sighed. "I've never felt so fucking stupid in my entire life."

Riley sat quietly across from him, gazing over his face with worry in her eyes.

"Please don't give me that look," he replied pleadingly. "I know it's useless and unhealthy for me to go on like this about him, but I can't help it. I really can't."

"I didn't say a word, did I?" she replied. "I just think that you should—"

Just then, Kent glanced toward the door at the other end of the pub and turned white in the face. "Oh, shit," he whispered to himself.

Riley craned her neck behind her to follow his stare. DI Chandler had just walked into the pub alone and caught both their stares almost immediately. After what appeared to be a momentary hesitation, he walked over to their table.

"Well boss, what brings you here? I didn't take you for a pub-crawler," Riley said, trying to alleviate the moment.

"I just thought I'd pop in for a drink on my way home," he smiled uneasily, shifting his glance between Riley and Kent.

Kent didn't look up to meet his eyes.

Feeling the tension like a heavy fog, Riley interjected, "I don't suppose you'd like to join us?"

Kent's muscles stiffened slightly; it was all he could do not to shoot daggers across the table. Riley sensed this immediately and gave him a subtle apologetic glance in return.

"I better not," Chandler replied carefully, still shifting his eyes between the two of them. "You both have probably had enough of me for one day."

Almost involuntarily, Kent rose from the table. "Excuse me just a moment... Loo." It was all he could say before rushing off to find the toilets.

With an embarrassed look, Riley turned back to face her astonished boss. "Tipsy tummy," she whispered to him awkwardly. But something in the way that Chandler's eyes followed Kent told her that he didn't entirely believe her.

Kent found an empty lavatory and locked the door behind him. Leaning against the wall, he chastised himself silently.

What in god's name possessed me to run off like that? He must think I've gone mad!

He took a few deep breaths and prepared himself to go back and join them but his feet wouldn't move. He had never felt so foolish in his entire life. If the ground wanted to swallow him whole, he would've gladly allowed it. Kent felt his face flush and tears begin to well up in his eyes.

Oh god, no. Not now.

Just then, a quiet knock came from the door.

"Kent?" a muffled female voice asked from the other side. Kent reached for the door and opened it to see Riley standing there alone.

"Don't worry, he's gone," she said soothingly.

"What did he say?" Kent asked nervously, his voice breaking.

"Nothing. Just that he had some paperwork to catch up on at home." After a moment of reflection, she added carefully, "Have you ever thought about telling him how you feel? Sometimes honesty is the best medicine. I mean, at the very least, you'd be able to get this off your chest. And who knows… maybe he'd react differently than you think. I could be wrong, but the boss has never struck me as the homophobic type."

Kent looked at her with a feeling of panic. He could never tell Chandler how he felt about him. The very thought made him lightheaded.

Riley reached over and gave him a tight hug and pat on the back. "Come on, let's go. My kids have probably burned the house down by now."

Chandler drove home to his flat in silence. He usually liked to have either Radio 1 or classical music tuned in during his commute to help him relax. But tonight, he had too much on his mind to bother with anything else. He thought back to that scene with Kent at the pub and couldn't make head or tail of it. At least when it came to solving crimes, he could think through a problem methodically. But this was something entirely different.

Kent had become such a riddle that he couldn't decipher.

Chandler tried to think back to all the previous encounters they'd had together. He wanted to know why Kent disliked him so much. Maybe he was still deeply upset by everything that happened with Morgan, Chandler thought to himself. Or maybe he even still held a grudge against Chandler for accusing him of being on the Krays' payroll.

But that didn't make sense. It had to be something else.