Author's note: I know I haven't updated in a while and I'm sorry but I'm back to my writers block, so who wants to give me suggestions?

Lip Gloss Lies, Doing The Time

Julia Anne Mason. Born October 4, 1994-April 22, 2009.

Daughter, sister, friend, lover. She will be missed.

Julia's headstone was always welcoming to me. I sat on the ground next to it, closing my eyes and rubbing my wrist. It hurt so bad when I did that, but the pain let me know Julia was real. It was about to rain- I could feel it in the air, but I'd wait till it did before I left.

Julia was so close to me last week. I was close enough that she felt with me and Clare had to ruin that. I didn't blame her, though, because she couldn't let me go. After all, I was in the same boat.

But part of me couldn't help but be mad at her. For one, I wanted to be with Julia more than anything in the world and I was willing to pay any price. For another, now I was on suicide watch at school, at home, and I'm not allowed to be alone anymore. I even have to sleep in the living room where my parents can keep an eye on me.

At school, I was seeing a counselor three times a week. I had nothing against counselors, but I couldn't sit there for an hour, talking about how much I miss Julia. That would put me in pain and "endanger my life." Whenever, I thought about Julia, I just felt like taking that blade to my wrist.

So I decided to rub my wrist whenever I thought of her. That way, I felt the pain that almost brought me to her. It her like fuck sometimes, but whenever it did, I felt like Julia was saying Eli, I'm here. This pain is me. I am your pain.

Julia was my pain. All the time. My every thought. Clare helped. I mean, kissing her clouded my brain, but I couldn't kiss her every time I thought of Julia- Clare did need air, after all.

So I was stuck. Always stuck. I couldn't wait for the day I died. Not only to be with Julia, but it wouldn't be so confusing anymore. No more therapy, no more unhappiness, no more pain. Even if there was no heaven, I would still be out of pain.

The water started dripping on my face and I opened my eyes. It was raining. I turned to face the headstone. "Hey, Jules. Remember how you used to love rain? You used to take me out to run around in it whenever it rained. I hated that. I don't like rain. Never have. But seeing you dance around in the rain- your make-up all over your face, yet it was still glowing and happy, made me happy. Let me just say, you being drenched was very sexy."

I touched the 'J' of the headstone and trailed my fingers along the rest of the name. "I think it's kinda like karma that you died the night it was raining. Well, maybe not karma, that's not the right word. Maybe it was fate. At least you died in something you loved."

I laughed without humor and ran my hand along the 'Anne' and 'Mason' part of the stone. "And you bike. That damn bike. You would ride it everywhere. Even when I would offer you rides in Morty," I laughed. "I remember when you made me ride a bike to the park with you. I fell twice and got a bloody lip. At least you were there to kiss it better. I never liked bike riding. When you made me go that first time, it was my first time. I guess I never told you that, but it was. You kinda taught me how to ride a bike, Jules. Whatever. That's why I have a car, now."

I sighed. All these memories were easier to talk about with her grave. It was all that was left of her, after all, so I might as well make use of it.

Now, I ran my hand over her birthday. "Your birthday is in two months. You'd be eighteen. I never liked how you were older than me. It gave you more power," I laughed again. It was getting ridiculous how much I was laughing right now. Nothing was funny. "Even though I was bigger, and stronger and more dominant than you were, you always had that smidge of power of me because you were older. Anyway, I'll be back on your birthday. Most likely before than, but I have counseling now because of me 'suicide attempt.'"

Now I sighed and ran my hand along the 'lover' part of her gravestone. "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to be with you. Well, I guess that means I would have to die, doesn't it? That wasn't my intention, though. I don't know, I just didn't understand what was going on. Well, Jules, I gotta go. I told my mom I was over at Clare's because I'm not allowed to be alone. Everyone thinks I'm gonna try to do it again. But I'm not. I don't want to leave Clare. I love her. I just…love you more. I should probably get to Clare's house so I don't feel so bad about lying. And it's raining. I hope you're enjoying it," I whispered. I rested my head back on the 'J' of her grave. "Bye, Julia. I love you,"

I got up and walked through the cemetery to Morty. I sat in the car, drenched from head to toe, pondering if I really wanted to go to Clare's. My mom think I'm there anyway. This may be my only time to be alone for a while.

I drove to The Dot which I guess wasn't where I should go if I wanted to be alone, but at least no one there would be asking me twenty questions about the 'suicide attempt.'

Peter Stone was working the counter and he gave me a menu. I read it over, not really looking at anything. I heard the door open and I turned to see who it was. With my luck, it would probably be my mom.

It was Drew and Adam Torres with KC Guthrie. Adam looked bored, while KC and Drew were talking about football and girls and everything else the 'normal' boys would talk about.

When Adam spotted me, he came over and sat next to me. Peter handed him a menu, too, and he gave it back. "No, I'm good. Thanks anyway,"

"You're too polite," I grumbled to Adam.

"Sorry, I kill 'em with kindness,"

I laughed. It felt good to actually joke with a friend. Adam wasn't one to bring up touchy subject, so maybe I wouldn't be hearing about how suicidal I am.

"So." he began. "How ya doing?"

"Adam," I sighed. "Stop it. I'm fine! I'm totally fine! Would everyone just lay off?"

"Dude, I didn't mean it like that. I meant, what's up? What's good? What's poppin? Not, hey have you taken a blade to your wrist lately?"

I glared. "Nothing's 'up', nothing's 'good' and nothing's 'poppin'. And for the record, no I haven't taken a blade to my wrist. I'm not a cutter. I'm a once-a-cut. I only did it once and I'm never doing it again,"

"I know. I don't expect you to,"

"I'm not even allowed to be alone anymore," I sighed and put my head in my hands. "I have to be around people at all time. They think I'm crazy,"

"Who is they?"

"Clare. My mom. My dad. My teachers. The students. The counselors I see. Even you. Everyone,"

"Since when do you care what people think?" he asked.

"I don't. I don't care what the students or teachers or the counselors. I care what my parents think and what Clare thinks. Most importantly, I just don't want people looking at me, waiting for me to snap and jump off a bridge. I hate being known as the 'suicide attempter' to you and Clare and my family. You all walk on egg shells around. I'm not even allowed to sleep in my own room because they think I'll try to kill myself once I shut the door!"

Adam put his hand on my shoulder for a minute. "It sucks, man, I know. When my mom found out about my burning, I was on house arrest and Drew had to baby sit me during school. It was hell. But eventually, people understood that I wasn't going to do it again unless I was Gracie,"

"Well, what am I suppost to say? I wont hurt myself unless I think of Julia. That will go over well. I think about Julia all the time and everyone knows that,"

He sighed. "Give them time." he looked at my clothes for the first time. "Let me guess, you were at her grave?"

"Just reminiscing," I answered with a shrug.

"Is that good for you? I mean, sit there and think about all the times you've shared with her. You are trying to convince people you aren't gonna hurt yourself,"

"Thinking of Julia doesn't make me hurt myself! Having people tell me I shouldn't think about her does!" I shouted, standing up and walking out of The Dot. I struggled with the door lock on Morty and Adam found me.

"Technically, Eli, you're not suppost to be alone. I'd feel bad if you were alone,"

"I wanna be alone,"

"Is that safe? You're in a bad place right now. Maybe you shouldn't be alone,"

I felt some warm water on my cheek and I brushed the tear away. "Then I'll go back to the cemetery,"

"You're still alone,"

"No I'm not!" I argued. "When I'm there, she's with me. She wouldn't let me do that,"

"Or would she cause it?"

I looked up and glared at him. Murderously glared. One more word and he'd be dead.

"Eli," she said softer. "You were trying to kill yourself because you thought you could see her. Is being all alone with her grave such a good idea?"

"Yes it is. Adam, I'm fine. And I wouldn't kill myself on her grave anyway. Although, it's a good metaphor,"

He gave me a look.

"Kidding, Adam. But c'mon, you know I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't hurt Clare like that,"

"But you tried to once,"

"I wasn't thinking! I'm thinking now. I know what I wanna do and I just wanna sit on Julia's grave and talk about all the times that made us…us,"

"And that wouldn't hurt Clare?"

"Adam, will ya quit throwing everything I say back at me? Let me do what I want,"

I opened the door and got in the car, driving away and leaving him in the rain.

Author's note: this is kinda a filler and a run-on. Just because it all just came to me word by word. I don't now. I think this chapter sucked. The only part I liked was when Eli was at the grave. Same as I said in chapter 1, if you wanna know why her last name is the same as Spinner's just shoot me a PM.

Reviews? I understand if you don't, but please? Make me smile? (also, I need suggestions more than air right now so*hint hint*)