Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. Life's not fair.
A/N: So I flew solo on this chapter, my undercover beta is injured, so thoughts are going out to you Keddster. Hope this makes you feel a bit better! That being said readers, be lenient on my horrific spelling and grammar errors and enjoy the damn story already! xoxo:D
Chapter 3
Kate couldn't fret over Castle's absence for long on Friday. She did as he suggested and took a look at the vic's visit to the bank, which started the dominos falling, leading the team right to their perp. The day had come to end with a clean close at six that evening. Ryan raced home to Jenny like an adorable, eager puppy and Espo sauntered out for a date, leaving Beckett alone in precinct's lobby debating her next move.
Usually, on nights like these, Castle would insist on taking her to Remy's to celebrate.
Usually he would convince her to come to the loft for a movie night or dessert with Alexis- he never truly had to convince her. She just put on a show of resistance, not that she would tell him that.
Usually they would stay up late into the night laughing at each other, revealing each other secrets, and sharing stories.
Usually, on nights like these, he was her best friend.
Tonight was not the usual, she thought.
It was a whirlwind of a day as she followed up on the trail of leads, but every so often she would glance at Castle's chair or notice the echoing silence that persisted where one of his inappropriate comments typically filled, and she would miss him.
Kate missed his physical presence: his baby blue eyes that stared with adoration and admiration, his thick dark hair that was always calling to her fingers for attention, and his large strong hands that conjured up all sorts of smutty images in her mind.
She missed his persistent personality: his childish humor that lightened her daily burdens, his loyalty to their partnership that gave her confidence and support, and their smoldering chemistry that made theorizing about murders exciting.
Damn she missed him, all of him. What the hell do I do with that?
She needed Castle, that revelation called for the unparalleled wisdom of one Lanie Parish, M.D.. With that knowledge; Kate walked out of the precinct, phone in hand.
"Hey girl, I was wondering when you were going to call me," Lanie smugly answered.
"You were expecting my call?" Kate asked with a puzzled look on her face before it dawned on her, "What did Ryan and Espo tell you?"
"Oh something about a tiff between Mom and Dad and they may have mentioned that you were staring at Castle's vacant chair with a full on pout today."
"God, those boys gossip like a pair of thirteen year old girls." Kate said with mock agitation.
"Well it's the only way I found out anything these days Miss Tight Lips, but I need the dirty details from you girl. And don't gyp me."
Castle spent Friday morning lounging- not "moping," as his mother put it- around his apartment, reacquainting his ass with his desk chair, trying to get some writing done. Although, every time he attempted to write something for Nikki it turned into complete incoherent shit. But he felt the urge to write something, anything. Still, nothing came.
Castle's mind was a tangle of half thoughts and plots, nothing sticking long enough to firmly grasp and take off with. He tried to draw inspiration from envisioning Kate's pensive, determined glare as she unnerved a suspect. But before he realized it he was imagining Kyra's boisterous laugh that erupted, uninhibited, at the coffee shop yesterday.
His mind ran through yesterday's events again and again, from the harsh words from Beckett to the soothing balm Kyra provided to his pride. He tried to grasp a tangible conclusion that he could base his expectations on. But, yet again, he was left with uncertainty on how he felt and how they felt.
His life was on giant fucking contradiction and writers hate contradictions.
The one certainty was that he was confused as hell and spending the day with Kyra, a single Kyra, helped nothing.
Castle had almost forgotten what it was like to be accepted at face value. With Kyra things were easy, straight forward; the moment they started catching up, it was as if they were both fresh out of college with nothing but time and attraction between them.
Yet there was still so much unknown between who they were now. And that intrigued Castle.
With Kate, things were difficult.
No, not always, he amended.
Kate was work. Sure, some things came effortlessly between them: Their chemistry sparkled, their mysterious minds meshed, and their intricate history gave them an underlying bond that was nearly unbreakable.
But he was getting tired of constantly striving for her approval, incessantly falling short, just out of reach of who she needs him to be. Castle always felt as though he had to measure up to an invisible standard Kate held.
And for that, she made him a better made him a better writer, a better father, and a better friend. Just better with her, because of her.
His pride argued that he wasn't a bad man to begin with. Castle was an honest and caring man in the past with Kyra, and that core being had not changed. Why couldn't Kate see that? Kyra could.
He and Kyra walked to a coffee shop and down memory lane. They laughingly recalled the trip up to her family's cabin in the Adirondacks and how they couldn't figure out how to turn on the heat in the ancient matchbox of a house.
"Yeah, but we figured out better ways to stay warm," Rick jokingly commented with a wink, sitting at a small table in the corner of a coffee shop they had made their way too.
"Body heat is very effective," Kyra said with a smoldering tone and a suggestive smirk, "Oh, you should use that for the next Nikki book!"
"Oh definitely, I'm sure Beckett would love that." Rick replies with contempt.
"Mhmm, a book inspired by her with a title inspired by an ex-girlfriend. Thats like writer-muse infidelity isn't it?" Kyra wondered.
"She could care less who inspires me. She would just hate the rumors it would start about our involvement. God forbid she be romantically linked to such a jackass," Rick sardonically replied with a dejected look on his face.
"Jackass is the last adjective I would use to describe you Rick," Kyra consoles putting a hand over his on the table, mirroring his earlier words. He looks up at here with a thankful smile, she could always read him like an open book.
"Yeah? And what adjectives would you use?" He could not believe he was encouraging this flirtatious banter, but Kyra's easy going nature was like a vacuum that sucked reluctance right out of his system. It was their natural dynamic.
"Hm, well attention whore comes to mind," she coyly responded, shooting him a gleeful smile.
"I'm not denying that, I'm the sluttiest of attention whores. But I like to work for the attention and then I bask in it."
"Well then its settled. I present thee, Richard Castle the strumpet of attention," she laughingly declared. After their chuckling subsided, a silence settled before Kyra added,"But more appropriate and fitting adjectives that come to mind when I think of you are caring, trustworthy, loyal, and absolutely ruggedly handsome," she said, shaking her head with a devious grin.
"Oh you must be talking to Detective Ryan, he would full heartedly agree with that descriptor. Though those other adverbs may be a bit exaggerated."
"Detective Ryan? Was he the cute one with the blue eyes?" Kyra asked, trying to recall the hectic events of her wedding day.
"Cute? Blue eyes? Kyra Blaine you totally had the hots for Ryan! and on your wedding day! With your ex boyfriend suddenly reappearing!" Rick replied, excitedly flabbergasted.
"I confirm nothing." She stated, sitting up straight and angling her eyes away from Rick. Everything between them now was innocent, playful. They fell into their old dynamic with no intention of letting it lead them anywhere other than a momentary escape.
"Well you always were a good multi-tasker, but unfortunately for you, he is happily a newlywed."
"Trying to set me up on a date and my divorce papers aren't even finalized, tisk tisk Rick." She laughed, but her smile quickly faded. Silence fell over them as Kyra's mind raced a mile a minute and Rick waited patiently for her, knowing her well enough to avoid platitudes. For a few minutes the only communication between the two exes was Rick's comforting hand slipping into Kyra's. His thumb repeatedly brushed over her knuckles, knowing exactly what she was going through.
"Divorced," she numbly stated. "God I can't believe that is where my life is. Its humiliating and so damn difficult to accept. I'm a pathetic divorce' now." Kyra buried her face into her hands, shaking it to dispel the harsh realization, fighting the tears that pricked her eyes, and swallowing the vice grip squeezing her throat. Rick took both her hands in his, sitting silently until Kyra looked up into his eyes.
"You're not pathetic Kyra. Greg is. He is the one that should be ashamed, humiliated, beat up," Castle offered with a sad smile and tilted head, "Things will get better, I promise."
Kyra took in Rick, his sincere eyes radiating comfort and empathy. Suddenly, he was a different man sitting across from her. Underneath the goofy, care-free, man-child was a slightly weathered man with small amounts of heart break etched across his features. He was no longer only the young, blithe, imaginative boy she fell so deeply in love with; but he was also a father, a writer, a provider, a man.
"You're different Rick." She said after a minute.
"We both are, we knew each other in another life. In a lot of ways we are strangers." Rick said with a small smile on his lips hoping to pull her out of her melancholy.
"We should remedy that."
Kate was settled, sprawled out across Lanie's couch, glass of red wine cradled to her chest and a blank stare on her face. Lanie came over to collapse into her chair, legs swinging over the arm of the chair. She took a sip of her wine in preparation for pulling Beckett's metaphorical, informational teeth.
"Alright, enough is enough Kate. I let you deflect your way through our phone call, mope and stall through dinner, and divert every conversation away from Castle. Time to fess up girl. No if, ands, or buts unless it's your scrawny ass being kicked by yours truly. Now spill."
Kate rolled her eyes and gave a hefty sigh, knowing that she couldn't get out of talking now. Lanie could be very forceful when she needed to be. And she always needed to be when it came to Beckett and Castle.
"I'm stressed and I snapped at him. Nothing out of the usual." Kate offered in a last ditch effort to segue away from the topic.
"Want to take a gulp of that Merlot and try again, because I know you did not just try to pull that shit on me." Kate did as she was told, knocking back the last three sips of her wine in one gulp.
"First things first, get the bottle," Kate started, pointing to the kitchen counter.
Once their glasses were filled, Kate began, "So, as you know the case load has been insane and I have been a bit stressed and sleep deprived. It is so unreasonable to have a short fuse?"
"No, but I'm missing the part where Castle comes into this, though I can predict how this story goes."
"I'm not really sure when the fight started, but I was just pissed off at everything yesterday and in hind sight I was kind of a bitch to him," Kate reluctantly admitted, though she has already professed to herself that she was completely horrible to him yesterday. "I snapped at him a few times about messing with the board, then my coffee burned my tongue and I blamed him."
"That's it?" Lanie asked confused.
"No," Kate began, still reluctant to explain the rest of the story. "Castle said something about soothing my tongue and ugh, I totally freaked out on him..."
"Because you so want him to sooth your tongue with his and, let me guess, you used reaction formation as a defensive mechanism and bit his head off?"
"I so hate you." Kate dead panned.
"Reaction formation again. Geez Kate, getting a bit transparent," Lanie laughed." So what did you say?"
"I sort of called him an arrogant jack ass and insinuated that he uses that line with his bimbos," Kate quickly mumbled with a grimace, yet again realizing just how hurtful she had been.
Lanie slapped a arm across her eyes, shaking her head in the crook of her elbow, feigning exasperation. "Girl, what in the hell am I going to do with you?"
"Kick my scrawny ass?"
"If I thought it'd knock some damn sense into you I definitely would. I'm going to be blunt with you here..."
"Aren't you always?" Kate cut in.
"Well since you think you speak fluent subtext, which you clearly do not, someone has to lay it out there for you. You need to stop hiding from your real emotions with exaggeration and avoidance."
"I am not avoiding anything," Kate defended.
"Oh you aren't? Mhmm, then why didn't you call Castle to go to Remy's after the case was closed? Or why haven't you told him you're seeing a therapist. Or why haven't you told him you heard him say 'I lo.."
"Alright! alright, alright. I get it. I avoid."
"Everybody does honey. You're not a bad person because your a bit afraid of your feelings, but..."
"I'm not afraid." Kate interrupted indignantly. Lanie's pursed lips, arched brow, and stern glare was all Kate needed to retract her statement.
"Fine I'm terrified, and yes I realize I just used reaction formation again, and yes your a genius. Get over it." Kate laughed, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Glad you can accept it. As I was saying, if you keep this up you might loose him. Look at if from his point of view Kate, think about how little Castle actually knows."
As Kate ponders that thought, she realizes that she really hasn't told him much at all since she has been back from her father's cabin and its been months. She has kept them at a stand still. But she is still healing, becoming a person who can give them a real chance. She knows there is a lot at stake and doesn't want to fuck it up. There's too much to loose.
"He knows I'm not ready Lanie. I can't jump into this with all my hang ups. We will crash and burn," Kate responded, still slightly defensive.
"And he is willing to wait. He has clearly proven that. But damn girl throw the guy a bone. Let him know that the waiting will be worth it. He doesn't even know if you want him to wait."
"I told him to though," Kate said confused.
"No. Think back Kate. You've never given him firm confirmation and the fact that he is waiting for you based on subtext layered in metaphors wrapped in a fucking enigma of expected chastity is pretty damn impressive if you ask me." Lanie added with a smug grin. She had always been a fan of Castle, hoped he would get a shot.
"Fuck. Why is everything so convoluted with us? He doesn't even know I want him and he is waiting for me, and I called him a jack ass, an arrogant one, and I acted like I didn't care if he slept around." Kate panicked before a beat of silence.
Fuuuck, Lanie what do I do?" Kate commiserated, getting more worked up. She through back the rest of her wine, needing the inhibitor.
"Calm your shit girl, " Lanie advised with a reassuring smile, "First off, apologize. Clear and straight forward apology for yesterday. Then you have to step up and have a conversation with him before he gives up."
"He's mad Lanie. He full on glared at me, stood right up, and walked out of the precinct. He's the one avoiding me now, hasn't spoken to me except to tell me he wouldn't be in today."Kate whined, laying her head back against the couch, closing her eyes, and sighing in pent up frustration. "What if he already gave up?" she asked in a moment of insecurity.
"Oh honey," Lanie started, getting up to sit next to Kate on the couch. "You may not be ready to face it, but that boy is head over heals in love with you in a very real way. A little bitchyness wont change that. But it doesn't change the fact that he deserves an apology."
"I hate when your right." Kate said with a deep, accepting sigh.
"Let me tell you, it gets exhausting when it happens all the time." Lanie added bumping Kate's shoulder.
A/N 2.0: Review, do it! you know you want too!