Author's note: well this is the second to last chapter. Your guys reviews are so sweet(: funny thing is about this chapter, is (from what I can see from your reviews) you're expecting something different. (;

For all these times that we walked away

Eighteen years old. She never got to be eighteen. Eighteen is the best year. You're free. You're your own person. You're on your own. You make your own decisions. You live for yourself.

But Julia never got the chance.

Sixteen years old. Only sixteen years of life, when you should leave eighty. She lost any chance she got of future. Marriage. Children. Grandchildren. Happiness. Life.

It all got taken away from her at the wrong time. Because of me.

The last night I could ever see Julia again and I had to be horrible to her. Sure, we fought a lot. I've said these things to her and vice versa. But this time I never got to take them back. To say I'm sorry. To say I didn't mean it.

"Go ahead! Leave at three in the morning! See if I give a fuck!" I yelled as she grabbed her clothes and shoved them in a bag.

"Oh I know you wont! You never do! You're so selfish!"

"I'm selfish?" I screamed, throwing her clothes at her. "You don't do a damn thing for me! Ever!"

"Well now you wont have to worry, will you? I'm gone!"

"That's what you always say, Julia, but you're never gone! Always so clingy!"

"Sorry that's such a problem for you! Now you don't have to worry about it. I wont come back!"

"Good! I don't want you to!" I yelled louder, throwing more and more clothes at her. "Just leave! Get out of my face!"

"I hate you, Eli, I really do!"

"I don't want you here anymore! Bye!"

She screamed wordlessly as she zipped up her bag. She began flying down the stairs and I chased after her, throwing the clothes she forgot.

"I hate you!" she screamed, shutting the door.

"I hate you, too!" I yelled through the closed door. "I never want to see you again!"

Little did I know, I would never see her again. I started choking on my sobs, my tears hitting the picture of her, protected by the frame.

All those things I said. All those things I didn't mean. They really happened.

About a half an hour later, I came to my senses and realized that it was just another fight we had. I got in Morty, driving the road she took home.

And that's how long it usually took us to get over our fights. It never lasted more than two hours because we knew how much we needed each other.

I saw it then. The crowd of people. The ambulances. I couldn't get around the blocked road, so I got out, walked on foot through the crowd, still trying to get to Julia's house.

When I saw her.

My heart stopped beating. What's going on? What happened? I saw Julia's bloody body be loaded into an ambulance. Vitaliy right behind the paramedics, holding Julia's hand.

I ran under the caution tape, ignoring the officer that tried to restrain me and up to the ambulance.

"V!" I yelled. "What's going on?"

"Sir, you have to leave we must get her to the hospital,"

"V," I whispered.

"He's fine. He can come,"

I climbed into the ambulance and looked at Julia's broke body, eyes closed, chest heaving up just a little before falling back down.

"What happened?"

"Drunk driver hit her. Apparently she was riding her bike and the guy hit her. She flew up over the hood and hit the windshield then flew forward onto the pavement,"

"Wasn't she paying attention?" I growled, taking Julia's hand. 'Make it through' I thought. 'You have to. I never got to apologize.'

"I guess not. She was on the phone with me, telling me she was coming home and she was sobbing. Then it just disconnected,"

I felt the sobs build in my throat.

The memories were beginning to be too much. As Clare promised, she left me alone. No calls, no text messages. She didn't visit. I skipped school so I didn't have to see her. Even my parents understood. They left me alone, going to a friends house or something. I doubt they trusted me. I was a wreck on this day, but I couldn't deal with anyone.

I got up, taking the bottle of vodka with me and walked to the bathroom. I sifted through my medicine cabinet, looking for the razors. I found every single one we had in our house and put them in a plastic bag, managing not to cut myself, despite the slight buzz I had.

I got in Morty, again bringing the vodka with me and started the car. I knew it wasn't drunk enough to kill myself in an accident, but the rain made it slightly harder. I drove carefully, slowly, not wanting to kill myself or pedestrians until I got to the graveyard.

I walked through the rain, carrying my vodka and razor blades to Julia's grave.

I sat down in the mud, not caring and set the vodka bottle next to me.

"Happy birthday, Jules," I said.

Of course there was no reply.

I began thinking back to what I said to Adam after my attempt at suicide. It would be a good metaphor to kill myself on Julia's grave.

I opened the bag of razors and took one out. The cool metal seemed welcoming. Almost as if it was begging for my blood. I smiled and closed my eyes, thinking of Julia and our fight before she died.

"You know I'm sorry, right, Jules? I never met what I said that night,"

I kept my eyes closed, just feeling the rain and listening to the wind.

How crazy do you have to be to hear voices in your head? How fucked up does your mind have to be for you to talk to dead people? Whatever the limit, I just broke it.

"Eli, I forgive you,"

I eyes snapped open and I dropped the razor. It sunk into the mud and I sighed. My imagination. That's all it was.

I shook my head. Imagination or not, I came here for a reason and I had to do it.

I took one more sip of vodka and dumped all the razors out into the mud. They all sunk at once, and I could no longer see them.

"Sorry, Jules, I know you hate razors, but these are what could bring me to you and I…I cant do that. Not now. I'm in a good place minus today. I cant hurt the people I love. I'm sorry,"

After standing up and grabbing my empty vodka bottle, I leaned forward and let my forehead touch her tombstone. The tears spilled from my eyes, warming my cheeks. "I love you, Julia Mason. I love you so much and I'll miss you till the day I'm with you. Happy birthday."

I touched the 'J' and then walked back to Morty. I sat there, gripping my hair and sobbing.

The last thought I had before falling asleep in the front seat of Morty was:

Happy birthday, Julia. I love and miss you. You should be here. I'm sorry.

Author's note: so what did you guys think? Were you expecting that when I said blades? Lol, most of you probably didn't. what's funny? Throughout the whole grave scene, I was listening to "keep holding on" by avril lavigne and it just felt right. Anyway I had a few tears in my eyes writing this chapter. Review if you want the last one.

Preview for the next chapter? Goodbyes, I love yous, roses, pictures, sunshine, smiles, and a new view.

Go make my day…