Author's note: sorry I didn't update like I promised but I had a pretty busy day yesterday. And who saw the new Degrassi promo? Clare needs space? From Eli? Dumb girl… I'm worried what Eli will do but it's been confirmed that he(nor Adam) will die this season, so we're good(:

Anyway, here's the last chapter of "for all these times" enjoy(:

Never gonna miss what I left behind, If I had the chance to do it again I wouldn't change it.

"Are you sure you wanna do this, Eli?" Clare asked for the billionth time as we drove through the city.

I chuckled. "Yes. Clare, I'm sure of this. I need to do this. For you," I added, softly at the end.

"You don't need to do this for me,"

I slid my hand across the seat to find hers. I squeezed her fingers. "Fine, I want to do this for you,"

"Are you sure?"

"Clare!" I laughed. "I know that I need to do this. Not just for you, but myself,"

She squeezed my hand back. "Will it be hard?"

I took in a deep breath, as I turned onto the familiar road. "Probably, but I know I can do this,"

She smiled at me. "I'm really proud of you, Eli. This is really brave of you. I'm glad you've progressed this much,"

"Thank you,"

We pulled into the entrance of the cemetery and I took a deep breath. I knew I needed to do this, but I wasn't sure if I could.

Julia's headstone wasn't far from the entrance. I could see it from the car. "Clare?" I asked, letting go of her hand.

"Yeah?"

I sighed. "Do you think you could stay at the car? I need to do this alone,"

She nodded. "Of course, but I'm here if you need me,"

"Thanks. I wont be long…I just need to do this,"

She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm here. I'll be here when you get back. Take your time,"

I nodded and grabbed the purple plastic rose off the dashboard. I looked over at Clare and saw that she was proud of me. And happy. And I loved her. This is what I had to do.

I got out of the car and started down the familiar path to her grave. It almost felt as if there was a rut, I've been here so many times.

I got to her grave and sighed. For once, it wasn't raining the day I was here. It was actually sunny and warmer than usual. The breeze counteracted with the heat to make a pretty good day.

"Hey, Julia," I began. I sighed and laid the rose on her grave, feeling my eyes fill up with tears. "Just because I'm putting this rose here doesn't mean it's dead. My love for you isn't, either. I still love you Julia. I always will, but I've finally realized that you're not in a rose, or the stuff in my room. You're in my heart and my memories. I don't need to come here everyday to still love you. I don't need to hold on to you with all of my might to still love you. I can love you with my heart. I miss you. I still do. I always will. Nothing will change that, but I need to…let you go, if I can be happy,"

I touched the headstone. "I still have you in my memories. If I ever want to think about you I can. And hopefully now, thinking about you will be easier. It'll make me happy to know what we shared. I don't have to let you go completely, but enough,"

I took the biggest breath I've ever took and then took my hand off the grave. "I'll still come visit you," I promised. "On your birthday, our anniversary…your's," I whispered, cringing at the date.

"I love you, Julia. But in order for me to be safe and happy, I need to let you go. I need to keep you in my heart, not everywhere. So this is goodbye for now, but I'll be back,"

I stood from my kneeling position and closed my eyes, finally letting go.

It was different than what I expected. I felt…new. For so long now, Julia has been radiating throughout my body, my veins. Now, I could feel myself again. Feel my own blood, and my own person. Julia was in my heart now. Only my heart. Each beat of my heart was powered by her. She kept me here, but now I could be myself. I could be free.

I walked back to the car, feeling high off of my new feeling. I felt warmer instead of cold, I felt happy…truly happy for once.

Clare was sitting on the hood of Morty in a cross legged position. She hopped off when she saw me and I took her hand.

"You okay?" she asked.

I still felt in a daze, experiencing the new feeling in my body. "Yeah. I'm…fine,"

She smiled up at me. "I'm glad,"

I leaned down and pressed my lips slowly to her, guarding myself. With my new high, I wasn't sure what would happen.

As my lips touched her, the fireworks exploded behind my eyes. And I haven't had those since Julia. It felt weird. It felt new. It felt…right.

I pulled away and smiled proudly. Clare's smiled mimicked mine.

We walked around and got in the car. I took her hand almost immediately, loving the new feeling of her skin on mine.

The past year felt like a dream. I didn't feel, or think. My mind was clouded. But now, I could see. The world looked new. Sharper. The feeling of everything felt like I've never experienced it. I wasn't sure what to do.

And most importantly, I felt happy.

It finally occurred to me, then. Everyone was right. My mom. My dad. Clare. Adam. My therapist. They were all right. Julia wanted me to be happy.

And I could feel in my heart that she was happy, too.

Author's note: so what did you guys think? I think I kinda bombed the ending, but I also did kind of like it. I'm not sure. Let me know.

Oh, and this is a stand alone book. No spin offs, no sequels. Just this book. But I will take requests for other ideas, because now I'm back to my writers block. Anyway, let me know.

~Karlee