The many different ways Harry Potter could have been raised.

Mr Bean.

As Albus Dumbledore Apparated back to the minimum distance in Hogwarts, he reflected that maybe he should have asked to make sure that the Potters' Secret keeper was someone other than Sirius Black. If it had been somebody like Peter Pettigrew, then maybe the Potters would still be alive. Dumbledore shook his head. He couldn't dwell on the past. He had a school to run and students who needed him to be there.

Meanwhile, in Little Winging, a broad beam of white light shone in the middle of the street, and a man dressed in an olive tweed jacket with a white shirt and red tie, fell down on the ground. He stood up, brushed himself off, and waited for the ship to take him back. Failing that, he wandered off. Unnoticed, the white beam of light shrunk and disappeared.

Mr Bean saw that there was a small baby boy on the front porch and ignored it. He couldn't care about the baby, not after the last time he'd accidentally taken a baby. Instead, he ignored the baby. Unfortunately, fate had other ideas for him. Young Harry Potter, accidentally tapping into his magic, Apparated into the back seat of Mr Beans' green mini while sleeping. It was a miracle that he hadn't splinched.

Mr Bean got into the green mini after unlocking the padlock, started the car and drove off to his flat. Unknown to him, Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived, was sleeping in the back seat with him.

Albus Dumbledore, sick with worry for the boy, Apparated back to Little Winging and discovered that Harry Potter had disappeared. He almost broke down there and then. Instead, he decided to call in the man who had a blood debt to Harry Potter- Severus Snape, former Death Eater.

Mr Bean only discovered the baby when the baby woke up and, being a baby, started wailing like a fire engine. Mr Bean turned around and his eyes went comically wide.

"Oh no…"

Petunia Dursley, unknowing of what had happened last night, noticed that there was a rather strange man walking up. She didn't know what was wrong with him- maybe it was the too-short trousers, maybe it was the awful jacket, or maybe it was the strange smile he wore. Whatever it was, it reminded her of some of her younger sister Lily's weird friends. She also saw that he was carrying a baby. As she watched through the window, he placed the baby on the doorstep and walked off. She pursed her lips.

Mr bean was finally rid of the annoying baby that had plagued him when the door opened. He saw a woman who looked like a horse grab the baby and march over to him.

Petunia watched the man see her, and then start acting like a child. After making a sort of moaning sound, he took the baby from her and marched sullenly over to the car, where she saw him unlock the padlock that was on his mini, put the baby on the seat and drive away. That was it. She marched into her house, furious beyond belief at Albus Dumbledore's impunity. The nerve of him, sending… freaks like that man to her house.

Albus Dumbledore read the letter again.

Dear Albus Dumbledore,

What do you think you're doing, sending a freak like that man to my house?
He came there this morning, placed a baby on the doorstep and walked off. I gave it back to him- and I know he was one of your lot, even though he did drive a car. He said something freakish and drove off with the baby he had with him.

I don't want anything to do with your freakish lot, and neither does my husband. My son might be infected with your freakishness already.

Petunia Dursley.

"Well, he's not there with old horseface, that's something." Albus directed a cold glare at Severus Snape.
"Severus, don't refer to her like that."
"Of course, Headmaster." Snape's tone left no doubt that he would continue to refer to Petunia Dursley as 'Horse-face.'

Meanwhile, Mr Bean was trying to buy some baby formula. He didn't know anything about babies, but he did know that, back home, you gave babies milk. Eventually, he found some formula and plonked it in the shopping trolley, along with the dozen tins of baked beans, marmite and twiglets. Harry Potter, dressed in the small baby singlet he'd stolen off a woman's washing line yesterday, burbled happily. Mr Bean was quite a fun person to be with, if you're a baby. As he watched Mr Bean accidentally pull a shelf of cereal boxes down on himself, he laughed out loud in delight. This was almost as fun as the coloured lights that daddy had made for him!

Authors' notes: And there we have it, Harry Potter being raised by Mr Bean. Now then, I think we have enough Harries now. Next time, on How Harry Potter should have been raised, Harry Mcninja's childhood.
Congratulations to jostanos for attempting to guess what Fumio's name meant! The translation I used means, "Studious Child," which I felt was appropriate for somebody who has to watch a bloodline scroll, but your translation also fits for a member of the Uchiha clan, known for fire techniques and being total Fucksuckers. For your guess, I give you the grand prize of these words: Nitwit! Addle! Bulboecork! Tweak! And that's a wrap.