Disclaimer: I own ziltch, nada, nothing.
A/N: Okay first things first, following Lanie's previous advice and I'm apologizing to y'all for such a long cliff hanger- life got crazy this week and girl talk and jealous Beckett take time.
Anyway! I hope you enjoy this chapter, one more of Lanie's girl talk sessions. Probably one of the last and then its all Caskett and Kyrick?Rikyra? and even a little Katra!
Please review!
Chapter 6: Lanie's Soap Opera
At noon, Lanie sat down at her desk in her office that was attached to the morgue. Papers were scattered across its surface and hoarded in drawers and filing cabinets that had no rhyme or reason to their placement. Sticky notes with chicken scratch reminders were plastered across her desk lamp, laptop, picture frames, and bulletin boards. Yep, Lanie was meticulously organized and methodical when it came to autopsies, but when it came to managing files, papers, and charts she was a mess. Although it appeared to have no structure, somewhere hidden deep in the recesses of the doctor's mind was some sort of system that allowed her to find anything at the drop of a hat.
Lanie took out her tupperware full of salad and grilled chicken, calmly popped the lid, placed a paper towel in her lap, and picked up her fork. Just as she was about to put the first bite in her mouth Kate Beckett came striding, no stomping into her office with a look that could kill.
With her fork still poised in front of her mouth, Lanie watched Kate pace from right to left in quick, determined strides, muttering to herself. Beckett looked like a starved, caged animal.
Immediately Lanie knew the one person that could get the, typically calm and composed, detective this riled up: Richard freakin' Castle. With a slight smirk of laughter, Lanie leaned back in her chair and waited for Kate to realize she had reached her desired destination and get out of her own head.
"Forgot his charger? Puh-lease...rubbing it in is more like it..." Kate muttered to herself in a mumbled, though audible tone of unabridged frustration. Lanie continued to listen, only able to make out fragments of Kate's rant, which changed tone and inflection based on who she was assumably quoting:
"Oh, 'Rick and I' are meeting 'an old friend.' That's fabulous that you two are so freaking chummy." Kate commented after quoting in a high-pitched voice.
"And foreshadowing? That's like the easiest literary device in the book! Here let me just rub your arm and feel your biceps, Rick. Rick? When he is at the precinct he is Castle. Castle, not Rick." Kate seethes, saying his first name like it's poisonous.
"'The Flash here,' Really? I mean really Lanie," Kate said finally acknowledging the ME's presence, "Could she be any more blatantly obvious in her attempts to stroke his ego?"
"And she is getting divorced! C'mon, its like some perfect love story. Castle and her walking down the street and into the sunset. Long lost lovers finally reunited. What the hell does that make me?! A fucking footnote?" Kate finished, face flush, fists clenched and rigid at her sides when they weren't running frantically through her hair. It had been a while since Lanie had seen Kate this worked up, if ever.
"Kate! You need to chill out and take a breath. I can't help you when your ranting this nonsense." Beckett startled, as if she just realized she wasn't alone, even though she had addressed Lanie earlier in her mutterings. Kate halted her pacing and took a deep breath, desperately trying to hold in the moisture that gathered in her lashes.
She felt pathetic. She typically was so in control of her emotions, prided herself in her ability to put them aside and focus. She liked to think she had the habit of gathering all the necessary information before she let herself display her composed reaction. But when Castle and Kyra walked away her heart flipped her mind into overload and a panic took hold. With Lanie's suggested deep breath, Beckett realized that she was spiraling, which was a rarity for the detective.
"Good, okay first tell me who you're talking about? Castle and...?"
"Kyra. Kyra Blaine."
"Little Miss Bride? She's back?" Lanie said, lurching forward to brace the edge of the desk in shock at this development in the Caskett Saga. "Wait, so what? She is married. And Castle would never go there after what happened to him."
"No, Lanie she is single, available. Her husband cheated on her..."
"Well at least they'll have that to bond over," Lanie muttered absent-mindedly.
"...and Castle just went with her to introduce her to his old divorce lawyer." Kate informed with exasperation lacing her words. "Woah, what do you mean 'have that to bond over?' Have what to bond over?" Kate's panic halted with the confusion of that new information.
"Oh just the unfaithful spouses thing," Lanie said like its old news, unimportant and irrelevant."I cannot believe she is divorcing her husband. How did she even reconnect with Castle? It seems weird to have called up your old flame right when you are getting divorced, kind of desperate and I..."
Lanie's yammering dissolved in Kate's mind as she tried to grasp the, apparently common knowledge that one of Castle's ex-wives cheated on him. It didn't seem like the type of thing Gina would do, she is all business and efficiency. But Kate could easily picture Meredith, flakey and inconsiderate as ever, cheating on a young Castle. Castle having to find a divorce lawyer and fighting for custody of Alexis. It put so much in perspective for Kate and she couldn't believe she hadn't known this, couldn't believe he never told her on those usual nights that they stayed up until three with wine and laughter and secrets.
"How'd you find this all out?...Kate? Hey! I need the full story here, my cabel's out and your love life is the closest thing I have to Genral Hospital," Lanie's joked, which snapped Beckett back to her surroundings
"Meredith cheated on Castle? How do you know?" Kate asked grasping for more details to fill in the blanks.
"He told the boys on a case once, but who cares; that's old news. How did you find out about Kyra? Details."
Ugh, yes one crisis at a time. Kate decided to mull over thoughts about why he never told her at a later date, probably that night in bed when she wouldn't be able to sleep.
"Castle forgot his charger and stopped by to grab it from my desk I guess. But, I parked outside of the precinct and saw..."
"No way? You got a parking spot outside the precinct?" Lanie asked in ill-timed disbelief.
"I know right? I thought things were finally looking up." Kate quipped, rolling her eyes.
"Not important, back to the story."
"Hey, you're the one who interrupted!" Kate exclaimed, a mixture of excitement and frustration at having finally out smarted Lanie's girl talk strategies.
"I concede your point. Point for Beckett. Now, story time," the ME said, sitting up with a wiggle and rubbing her hands together. Kate couldn't help but let out a laugh at her best friend's enthusiasm. It was like watching a kid prepare for a new episode of his favorite Saturday morning cartoon.
"So I walked up to the Twelfth's doors and I saw Kyra leaning against the wall at the bottom of the steps, all annoyingly adorable in her Burberry jacket and boots. Obviously I had no idea why she was here until Castle jumped, literally, in-between us." At that Lanie gave a questioning, yet unsurprised look.
"Apparently he was timing how fast he could make it up to the bullpen and back. That's when she called him The Flash (enter intense eye roll).He doesn't even like The Flash, who does anyway. I mean calling him Batman, Spiderman, Green Lantern, even Superman would have been more endearing to him." Kate explained getting lost in her jealousy, though she wasn't self-aware enough to realized that was the cause of her tangent.
Lanie huffed out a little laugh, amused at her friend not being able to see just how intricately she knew the writer, but was still dying to here the rest of the story, "Kate, get back on track."
"Right. So, they were on their way to meet a divorce attorney and when Kyra told me that Greg cheated on her, Castle gave her a hug! Right in front of me, and don't think I missed how Kyra basically sunk her claws into Castle with a little stroke down his arm."
"Geez, I knew you were jealous of her all those year ago but this is a whole new level."
"Oh please, I am not jealous. I'm just... annoyed. Yes really freaking annoyed and pissed off that she's already sliding under Castle's sheets and she isn't even divorced yet. What kind of person does that?"
"There is no way in hell Castle is doing the deed with her. Kate don't be so dense, the man is in love with you. That doesn't just disappear with the reappearance of Little Miss Bride. That being said you have to get your ass in gear and make some decisions, take some action."
"Would you stop saying that, please? I've heard it like a hundred times and it helps nothing." Kate barked, misplacing her temper and resuming her incessant pacing. "He said that when I was dying in his arms, he is a hopeless romantic, and a writer Lanie, of course he told me he loved me then. He couldn't have written it better himself. He doesn't really love me and I do not love him."
A calm settled over the two friends, well as calm as Kate could be at the moment. She slowed her speed but continued to walk from left to right, back and forth, pausing before changing directions. Lanie watched her friend, sincerely wishing they were under some sort of influence just to loosen the detective up a bit.
"Then what is this?" Lanie sternly asked in challenge.
"What's what?"
"Ugh! You are so damn stubborn girl," Lanie exclaimed in genuine frustration. "If you so adamantly believe he doesn't love you and claim you don't love him, then what is it you want with him? From him? What is this jealousy about? How do you want him to behave because you continue to claim that you don't want him to be anything more than he is, yet you're acting like a jealous girlfriend." Lanie ranted, unable to stop once she got going.
Kate stood frozen in the corner of the office, unable to answer because she didn't know the answers to any of those questions. No, that's not right, she knew. But she so rarely allowed herself to confront those desires and giving them a voice made them real and unavoidable. Those deep, unparalleled, intense hungers made her vulnerable in a way that she had not allowed herself to be since her mother was alive. Every time she opened the door to the possibility of that vulnerability it was slammed back in her face; Royce, Will, that summer in the Hamptons.
"I-I want..." Kate stammered, stalling for time to come up with an escape plan to this conversation. "I am not jealous."...and she found one.
Lanie issued an eye roll that rivaled Beckett's. "Kate, hon, I'm on your team, your side. No. matter. What. It comes with the best friend territory. I just want to see you be happy, loved. That being said this isn't fair to Castle." Lanie began, resting her head on her glasped hands and stared earnestly at Kate."This denial is hurting him, and regardless of how you feel I know you don't want to hurt him. You can tell me that he doesn't love you and you don't love him until your blue in the face, bask in that denial; I enjoy the drama so by all means go right ahead. But you know as well as I do that he deeply cares about you. So either jump into the deep end or get the hell off the diving board, because he deserves better."
"I don't even know how to jump into this. I'm not ready. How do I even start?" Beckett asked so quietly the doctor didn't even think Kate meant to allow it out of her mind. The detective slumped one elbow over a filing cabinet and rested her head in a hand, carding her fingers into her scalp, the look of trepidation clear on her face.
"I've told you once and I'll tell you every damn day until you get into Writerboy's pants," Lanie joked, trying to bring Kate out of her defeatist gloom. Once Beckett gave a smirk and a looked up at her with renewed armor Lanie continued, "Talk to the man."
The doctor cleaned up her lunch, checked her watch, and stood realizing her lunch break was very over and she was due at a crime scene in TriBeca in five minutes. "Time's up missy, that'll be $150."
Kate gave a half laugh, grabbed her jacket and gloves off the chair across from Lanie's throne, and stepped up to her friend waiting at the door.
"I can't, Lanie. We don't do that, we don't talk about... us." Kate said in a hushed, nearly ashamed tone.
"Well the other option is to cut him loose, give him back to Kyra."
Companionable silence occupied their walk to the elevators. Lanie, more than glad to let Kate think on their conversation and Kate wishing more than anything she could just rewind to a time when Richard Castle wasn't uprooting her solitude and serenity.
But the deeper part of her, the heart and soul part, wanted to so badly fast forward to a time when she had all she wanted, she had Rick, Rick had her. Where she wouldn't hide from those feelings that ran like a rushing river through her body anytime she saw or thought of the man. She wanted to skip this part, the hard part and just be who she needed to be, who he needed her to be.
God, this is hard.
She was hurting him, and fuck that was hard to face. She was being selfish in keeping the secret of remembrance. She held onto that moment of bliss in the middle of overwhelming, gut, soul, heart renching pain, 'Stay with me Kate, don't leave me. Please. Stay with me, okay? Kate, I love you, I love you Kate.' Those words pulled her out of the darkness she was in for the entire summer. They were the light at the end of the tunnel, the goal and if she could just get better, fix herself, solve her mother's case then she would be ready. There would be nothing between them and she would know he wasn't just in it for the mystery. She would know for sure. He gave her that hope with his words and with her silence she was stealing every last drop of hope he held.
She didn't want to hurt him, that was never what she meant to happen. She wanted to be with him, have him, love him. But she was terrified and broken. She was terrified he would love her and leave her, horrified that he would become bored once the chase was over, petrified that she would be left alone, ripped apart just like she was when her mother died. All that fear paralyzed her into inaction in a place where she was moderately safe from vulnerability and heart break
But, damn it, Lanie was right...again.
A/N 2.0: Please Review. Thanks for reading!
Shout out and good thoughts going out to Keddster
Best comment from last chapter goes to Arya's prayers and daisesndaffidols
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