Disclaimer: Do not own these characters.
A/N: Pick a team: Kate or Kyra.
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Love you all who are still reading.
Previously...
"Oh. Kate. Hi." Kyra finished with a reflexive smile as she saw the detective looking utterly taken aback.
"Kyra. Hi."
Chapter 8: Because It's Easier Than the Hurt
Kate stood at the threshold of Castle's loft completely out of her element. Of course the one time she 'jumped in the deep end,' the one time she had enough courage (or in this case, Kate thought it was enough idiocy, stupidity, and imprudence) to confront Castle and talk things through, she got slapped in the face, pushed off the diving board, or whatever stupid metaphor fit the immensely uncomfortable situation she found herself in.
Beckett wants to kill Lanie, extract her stupid voice box that gives stupid, ludicrous advice.
Talk to him? Is she crazy? Last time I tried to talk to him he ended up walking away for a summer in the Hamptons with his ex wife.
It was relentlessly awkward as the three stood there caught somewhere between clawing each other's eyes out and pleasantries. The only thing that was running through Rick's stunned mind was: This is so awkward. Why is this so freakin' awkward? It shouldn't be this awkward.
Rick tried desperately to tap into his usual charm and cordiality to move past this as he realized that it shouldn't feel so strange. Neither of these woman want him, wow that's a depressing thought, both of them were just his friends, and they would probably get along really well given the chance.
Another part of Rick's mind supplied the answer to that incessant question. He felt caught, completely kid in the cookie jar, by Beckett's unannounced presence. To the right of him was the woman he used to be in love with, his first true love, the one that got away and in front of him was to woman he was currently, irrevocably in love with, his always (as desperately as he wanted to dissolve those unreciprocated feelings).
"Come on in Beckett," he finally croaked, is voice rough from the long, extremely socially awkward silence that had captured the trio. He gestured Kate in, instinctively placing a hand on the small of her back to guide her in as he shut the door. He could have sworn a slight shiver raced up her spine, but quickly tapered off those thoughts off offering his vivid imagination and unrequited hope as explanation.
His broad hand slipped from her hip down low on the small of her back under her leather jacket, his palm lifted so only his fingers tripped against the thick knit of her sweater until the thick of his thumb and palm settled warmly and firmly against her. It lasted a split second, just long enough for him to guide her through the door, but she was so attuned to his touch that every moment of it set her nerves ablaze like a live wire. She bit her tongue and prayed to God neither he nor Kyra saw the quiver that raced up her spine. Just a simple, harmless touch did that much damage...I am so screwed.
"I didn't mean to interrupt your date, I'll just see you at the precinct Castle," Kate offered, shifting to turn right back out that door but a hand on her bicep halted her.
"Oh no, please stay. I was actually just leaving," Kyra replied and released Kate's arm to stride to the chair in the living room.
Neither of them denied that it was a date...
As Kyra grabbed her Burberry jacket and her, most likely, cashmere cream-colored scarf, Kate risked a glance at Castle only to wish like hell she never made that decision. She saw him staring intensely at Kyra, watching her every movement. Observing. Kate's heart sank that moment, but the hurt was quickly over taken with fierce resentment and anger.
He was supposed to be in love with her, not Kyra. Kate was his muse; he was supposed to be looking at Kyra like that, observing her. That was a look for Kate, not Kyra. How could Castle even trust Kyra now, as far as Kate knew Kyra was the one who ended things all those years ago, left him heartbroken. Kyra was probably after his money now that he wasn't the struggling writer of his younger years.
Kate's detectives mind took the suspicion of Kyra's malicious motives and ran away with them, quickly theorizing that Kyra was trying to latch onto Castle like a parasite and its host, leeching anything she could get from him, money and attention. Kate's possessive and protective streak flared hot inside of her, and suddenly it was everything she could do not to kick the back of Kyra's knee to knock her off balance, grab her arm and twist it tightly behind her back for hypothetically taking advantage of Castle.
"Rick, walk me to the elevator?" Kyra sweetly asked and Kate had to bite the inside of her cheek painfully to control herself. "Sorry to duck out right when you get here Detective Beckett, I have a ton of work to do before the week started, but maybe we could catch up another time?" she said once she returned to her and Castle still in the foyer.
"Yeah. Maybe." Was all Kate could say through gritted teeth. Kate had to get a hold of herself before she was alone with Castle. She was about to blow and what right did she have to be angry at him for spending time with another woman?
"Umm, I guess I'll be right back Beckett. Make yourself at home, you know where the wine is if you want some," Castle said, clearly extremely uncomfortable with the whole situation. Kyra had to stifle a laugh because she had only seen Rick socially awkward maybe three times. But his look is unmistakable: wide eyes, stiff shoulders, tight-lipped mouth, and shifty limbs.
Richard Castle, millionaire best selling novelist, charmer of countless twenty somethings, the man, the legend and all it takes to make him squirm was two women?
Kyra crossed in between Rick and Kate to open the door, stepping back into Rick's space to swing it open and she noticed the slight tightening of Kate's eyes as she scrutinized their every action. Kyra could see the clear covetous jealousy painted across Kate's very being, what she couldn't see or understand is why Kate had made no move to formally claim what she so obviously wanted to be hers: Rick.
Just to piss Kate off a little bit, Kyra placed her hand above Rick's elbow, slid it down to grab his hand and tug him out the door with her.
"I just need to borrow him for a minute, then he's all yours." Kyra supplied with a little lift to her voice as they exited the apartment. Ricked sidled up next to her as the door closed, but before Kate was out of view, Kyra turned back to Kate with a squinted, oh-so-clever smirk and said, "Hmm something about that felt a bit like déjà vu, don't you think?"
With that little taunt, Kyra grabbed the doorknob and pulled it shut on Kate's surprised and disdainful glare. Kyra could hardly keep from laughing as she and Rick walked down the hall to the elevator.
"Well that was sufficiently awkward." Kyra supplied bluntly with a little laughter framing her comment.
"Yeah that was brutal, but I don't really know why it should have been. I mean it's not like I'm with you and even if I was Beckett doesn't care who I date. Well, as long as it's not her."
"What did I say about self-pity?" Kyra joked, issuing a stern glare as warning.
"Right, right today's your pity party." Rick quipped back. "You really don't have to leave. I think Beckett just needs to talk about the case or something. You could stay?"
Kyra knew he was just offering to make sure she didn't go home and wallow in her own misery over her divorce. It was sweet, but she also knew that he was dying to be in the presence of Kate Beckett, even when he is mad at her, even when its self-imposed torture in a way.
That's how Rick Castle fell in love, craved their presence in any way. Kyra knew this because they used to get into fights, and he could never stay away for long. He had a lonely heart and it craved company, a companion. His deep seeded, undiagnosed abandonment issues and all that, Kyra mused.
"Thanks, but A. I really do have some work to knock out and B. You need to talk to her. My being there will make everything worse."
"You never make anything worse Ky," Rick kindly remarked as the elevator doors opened. Kyra gave Rick a quick, thoughtless kiss on the cheek and hopped into the elevator car.
"Thanks, call me later in the week if you're free," she said as they easily smiled at each other with the doors closing. And with that Rick had to go face Beckett.
He had no idea what she was doing here at his place but he could only assume it related to a case, so he sucked in a deep breath and turned back around for his front door. In all the confusion that had encompassed these last few days, he was grateful that he now knew where he stood with both of these women, Kate and Kyra.
He stood on the outside. But at least he knew that, could alter his hopes and expectations to align with that knowledge.
Kate pace, and paced, and paced. While Rick walked Kyra, probably to have a quick make out session, to the elevator Kate marched the perimeter of the main floor of the loft. She was seething and steaming in jealousy; although, yet again, she wasn't self-aware enough to recognize it. All she knew was that she was hurt and as each second passed that Castle was alone with Kyra outside the door, the hurt calloused into anger.
I've been with- worked with- him longer than she ever dated him and she has the nerve to claim him right in front of me?!
Here Rick just take my delicate, artist's hand and walk me to the elevator? What self-respecting woman asks a man to walk her down the hall?!
'He's all yours,' God the nerve of that woman. She just had to rub it in like that. Déjà vu? She can take that déjà vu and shove it straight up her fat ass.
"So what's up Beckett?"
Kate startled and her knees locked causing her to stumble to a stop and grab onto the open-faced bookshelves. She was so deep in her internal rant she had missed Castle walk back into the loft, close the door, and call for her a few times. She turned around and gave him a stare as resentful thoughts dragged her mind away. Yeah, she was getting pissed off. But it's better than the hurt, it was controllable, she thought
"So...You solve that case?" Castle asked, unable to handle the silence. He had never been good with silence. That kind of quiet gave him anxiety, made him lonely; so even though he was still mad at Beckett, small talk was better than the muteness.
Kate shook her head and blinked a bit to snap back into focus, though she was having a hard time remembering what her focus was after getting there, to Castle's apartment, to find him alone with another woman. A woman he was in love with at one point. Could be again? Beckett silently worried.
"Yeah, we closed the case. It actually got interesting, infidelity, brotherly feud, your kind of stuff." Kate answered sternly, rubbing it in, dangling the case in front of him, as her irrational anger toward Castle amplified.
"And you didn't call me because...?" Castle asked, annoyed with Beckett.
"Well you clearly had other priorities, so I figured I'd save you the trouble," she bitterly replied and crossed her arms tightly across her chest. Castle made his way towards the lounge, standing opposite her, across the coffee table. "Plus, it's not like solving cases is dependent on you Castle." she added in cavalierly.
The tension that seized Rick's shoulders was evident to Kate as soon as she finished her sentence. She noticed his distinct jaw line tighten as he tried to reign in his reaction, but the strange thing was that for once, Kate didn't want to package things up neatly with careful answers that revealed nothing. She was angry with him now and she wanted fight with him, scream at him, hit him, have him.
Her frustration chomped at the bit, blinding her to the reason as to why she was having this visceral reaction. She only felt the rushing waves of anger rather than hurt. The hurt made her vulnerable but the anger hardened her to Castle. So instead of sweeping things under the rug, she went on taunting him and his calm facade.
"I would like to think over the past three and a half years I have offered a bit of unique insight," Castle answered through a clenched jaw, his eyes boring into Kate's; the eyes that usually held nothing but adoration and admiration were instead flashing a warning.
She didn't listen.
"Yep, you have very unique insight Castle. Let's see, your specialties must include CIA agents, alien abductions, and evil twins. Big help there. We're better if you're off with your little girlfriend there." Kate callously said with deep sarcasm and disrespect painting her words as she waves towards the door, referencing Kyra.
As Kate ranted with such a scornful tone, Rick began to pace back and forth, ending up by the near his bar table in the corner of the living room. With each word falling out of Beckett's mouth, Castle's fists clenched tighter, knuckles blanching, his mouth set in a tight, frustrated line, and his eyes seeped aggravation.
What in the hell gives her the right to be mad at me? Castle thought.
He was at a complete loss for an explanation, couldn't for the world of him figure out what the hell he did wrong to make Beckett so peeved off, but it made his anger augment, which hurt all the more because he loved her.
"You are ridiculous," he started shaking his head in disbelief as Beckett stood, intense and in fury across the room. She was relentlessly stubborn to the point of sabotage. "My little girlfriend? Kyra? What does she have to do with this?"
All Kate could focus on was the fact that he didn't deny that she was his girlfriend and something in her snapped. "She has nothing to do with it, date who you want. I just think it's a little desperate to hop into your bed the second she ditches her marriage."
Where the fuck did that come from? What are you doing you idiot! Don't make it worse. Kate raged at herself.
"You don't know what you're talking about Beckett. But you do sound pretty jealous Kate." Castle strains his fuming gaze as a challenge, yet still controlling his reaction towards her nettling.
"Now who's being ridiculous? How many times are we going to go over this? I'm not jealous of any of your girlfriends Castle, I feel bad for them," She shot back coldly.
And that would be the reaction formation; Lanie was talking about… Now I get it. Perfect timing.
"I get enough of you tagging along at the precinct," Kate muttered unthinkingly.
"It's been over three years and still I don't get any credit? Huh? What the hell do I have to do to prove myself to you, when is it enough, Beckett? It's not even worth my effort, is it?" Castle goaded, his voice rising in volume as his frustration and desperation grew.
Both, she and Castle were suspicions of the second meaning to Castle's words but neither dared own up to it.
When am I enough?
The raw anger in Castle's voice stopped Beckett cold in her tracks. He had never displayed this kind of outward anger aimed at her and it knocked her off her game. It also kind of turned her on, but she was denying that, wasn't she?
Yes, denial. Where I live and thrive. His taut, strained muscles so are not getting me hot. God, I hate him right now. Kate thought as her mind tripped through Castle's speech, grasping for anything that could fuel her anger. There was nothing...
The storm of their assault passed and they were left standing, deflated, avoiding each other's gaze as a loud, long silence enveloped the room. Kate could not even begin to face the uncontrollable thoughts rushing like a current and drowning her. She hadn't wanted to come here and provoke him, fight with him. That was the complete opposite of what she wanted to do in fact. She only wanted him back; back to the way things were before she made that dumb comment and before Kyra showed up. She wanted her partner and best friend back.
"Castle...I..."
But to attain all of that, to get back what she was loosing she needed words, but words were his thing and she had none in that moment. Her heart pleaded with her stubborn mind to just spit anything out, just let him know it will be worth it, eventually she wants to be worth it all, to have it all. If she could only let him know with words. His thing.