This takes place right after Dan and Di elope in Portland.
I own nothing!
Review, por favor. 3
Diana was feeling especially alive tonight. She and Dan had just moved into their new apartment- well, if you could even call in moving in! Boxes covered every inch of their teeny new home- though no one could call it a home yet. The most homey thing was the mattress on the floor of their bedroom. They'd unpacked enough to cover the bed in sheets and a bedspread and retrieve their toothbrushes, toothpaste, and toilet paper. It was sort of invigorating- she felt so wonderful, living with Dan in this little place. They had barely any money, and had just come home from getting married... They were so independent. She cooked dinner that night- or rather made grilled cheeses and opened some Cokes. But you know what? Same thing anyway.
They were adults now, living together, married, making their way in their new home. Now, when she thought about the baby, she didn't dread it- it seemed natural. She could even admit it now- she loved Dan. It was true, and knowing this just made their life all the better. Young and in love, they would find their way together. Now, getting ready for bed in the run-down bathroom with some cracked tiles and a faucet that was a little too hard to turn on, she felt strangely excited. All this might have depressed her at one time, just been a characteristic of running off to get married at twenty-one. You're too young, most people said. But now, this struggling feeling felt romantic and wild.
She danced out of the bathroom in her nightgown and found Dan on their makeshift bed. She jumped right down onto the mattress and leaned over him, taking the book out of his hands and laying it on the ground next to him while she kissed him.
"Hi," he said in surprise.
"Hi," she smiled, kissing him again. "I am in such a good mood right now."
He kissed her again before leaning back and resting his head against the wall. He looked at her with a curious expression on his face for a minute, brushing a strand of her hair out of her face, and frowning. "When are you going to tell your mom?"
She swatted his chest a little, laughing. "Stop it, silly! Way to ruin the moment." She ignored the expression on his face and leaned in to kiss him again. "We don't need to talk about this-"
He gently pushed her away. "Actually, yes, Di, we do."
She tried pouting, but he just ignored her. She sighed, audibly showing how annoyed she was, and then rolled away from him.
"Why do you always have to make things miserable? No wait- it's not you. It's me, right? I'm just too wild or something, right?"
"No, Di- listen! I just think that she should know-"
"Dan, you know how she feels about me. She doesn't understand me. When she hears about this, all she's going to say is something ridiculous like, 'Don't bother coming back,' or the like. I've told you this before- didn't you listen?"
"She's still your mom, Di. And she should know," he said with an air of finality.
Diana rolled her eyes. "Have you told your parents?" She doubted it.
"Yes, I have," he answered immediately. "I wanted to pass on that my mother invited us to come back home- or, well, to their home- to visit next month. We can't go- I have classes to double up on and everything- but I wanted to pass on the invitation. You, of course are welcome to go by yourself."
"Goody-goody," Diana whispered in anger, but then she considered that for a moment. "You really told her?" Dan nodded. "And she wasn't mad?"
"Oh, well, she said all the usual things. We're too young, she's disappointed that we can't finish college like 'normal' people, and all that. But no, she's not too angry. My father didn't want to speak to me, but that's always been his way. He'll come round in the next couple weeks."
"And they know about the baby?"
"Yes, they know about the baby."
Diana bit her lip. "I'm telling you, Dan, you don't know my mother. Marianne already thinks I'm crazy or something."
Dan resisted the temptation to roll his eyes at Diana's old habit of calling her other by her first name, and instead rolled over to his side, and looked her deeply in the eyes. "We can do it tomorrow. I'll go with you."
"No," Diana said, "She doesn't like you at all anyway."
He raised his eyebrows, but Diana was already thinking about something else. Typical; her mind was flying over something else before she could consider what she'd said last.
"I'll go by myself. But she might kill me."
Diana smoothed her dress, hating herself for the butterflies in her stomach. She's tried to look nice, groomed her hair and checked her stockings- yes, stockings, for God's sake- for any runs. But no matter how good she looked, it didn't keep her mother's eyes from scraping over her frame with keen, unwavering judgement.
"Hello," her mother said, smiling warmly. To Diana, it seemed wooden. "To what do I owe this surprise, dear?"
"May I come in?" Diana asked, and her mother stepped back from the door.
They sat in the living room, and Diana accepted the glass of lemonade her mother gave her. Of course- freshly made lemonade.
"How's school going?" her mother asked.
"It's... fine," Diana said honestly. She was quitting after this semester, but her mother didn't need to know that. Anyway, she'd resume with night school after the baby was born. Everything in her life was different now, because of the baby. Everything was categorized to "before the baby," and "after the baby."
Di picked up her glass in her left hand, and saw her mothers eyes bug out. Oh, shit, she thought, cursing herself. She'd wanted to tell her mother first. She put her glass down, and her mother reached for her hand and snatched it up from the coffee table, examining her ring finger.
"What is this?"
"See, Mom, I came here to tell you-"
"Yes?" Marianne's eyes were piercing. Angry.
"I'm... married," Diana confessed, swallowing the lump in her throat. Why did everything she ever do seem to be a disappointment?
"You're pregnant, aren't you?"
Di closed her eyes. It was the only answer her mother needed.
"Of course. How did I not see this coming?" she exclaimed, giving a dry, humorless laugh. She stood up. "No- actually, I did see this coming. I thought it was that boy who was the problem, and how crazy about him you were- but no. No, it's always been you, Diana. You and your impulses. Nothing is ever good enough for you, is it?"
What is she talking about? Diana wondered, trying to tune her mother's angry words out, wondering when she could leave and go home. She tried. She failed.
"You are blessed with a brilliant mind, but throughout high school you're always pushing buttons. Your father said you were just testing things- being a teenager. We ignored it when you did some of those stupid things. Honestly- we know about the pot, drinking, parties, sneaking out, all of it. 'All part of being a teenager,' we said. You still got good grades, so we let it pass by. You get into a good college, we pay every penny, but you can't just do things like everyone else, can you?"
Diana had no answer. Is that a rhetorical question? she wanted to ask, but decided it was best to bite her tongue.
Marianne gave another dry laugh. "You know who I feel bad for? Not you- goodness knows, you'll find some way to make it through without giving anything up, because you're good at that- no. The baby, and your husband. Dan, right? Because I can see it now: he proposed because it was the right thing to do, am I right, Diana?"
Again, she said nothing.
"I am. But after the baby's born, you'll find something else that catches your eye, and you'll fly away. God knows if the baby's even enough to keep you tethered. Because I know this boy isn't. But if you can't think about him, think about the baby, because that's your responsibility now. You're a mother now, Diana, and God knows you're not ready for it. But you have to be. If no one else- me, your father, your husband, can convince you to think of anyone else, at least let it be your child!"
Diana wanted to scream- she came here to do the right thing and tell her mother, and she's being judged like she's never been judged before.
Maybe she's right, a small voice in her head said. And that's why it hurts to hear it.
"No!" she cried out, whether to her mother or the voice in her head, she wasn't sure.
She stood up, ignoring her mother's protests, and stormed out of the house without another word. She found her keys and got into her car, driving a few blocks away before pulling over to collect herself.
I won't let her be right, she thought. I will do this correctly- I won't run away from this. I won't run away from the baby.
She thought about the vows she'd recited to Dan- even though she wasn't the type of person to take things seriously, she thought of the look Dan had in his eyes when he'd recited them. Final. Truthful. Honorable. He wasn't going to back out of this, she knew. And she would try the very best she could to give him everything she had. He deserved it.
She gulped. Her husband deserved it. Her baby deserved it. She's promised him. She'd promised them.
"Diana! Come back!" she cried, but in vain. She closed the door slowly, and turned back to the living room, picking up the lemonade from the coffee table, where it left a ring of residue. Mechanically, she brought the glass to the sink and washed it, before taking a damp washcloth and cleaning the ring before it left a stain on the wood.
When this was done, she took her head in her hands.
Why could she never get through to Diana? Why did she have to say those things? How could she be so cruel?
Marianne didn't understand how she could have a daughter so unlike herself. She loved Diana dearly but could never quite understand her. She was always running fast, wild, free, and Marianne had always been contained, quiet, well-behaved. Did she resent her daughter for this freedom?
Maybe. But maybe she wanted her daughter to know the happiness that comes from being settled down, too.
She regretted her words; they were said in haste and she knew they cut deep and could not be taken back. But at the same time, she hoped some of it had sunk in. Because whether or not she had been a good mother to Diana, Diana had to try and be a good mother to her own baby, and a good wife to this Dan.
She had only met Dan twice. She seen him more than that, when she visited Diana at school, but was formerly introduced once. Another time, he'd gone out to lunch with Marianne and her husband when they dropped Diana off at school at the beginning of the semester.
She'd met her son-in-law twice. Tears leaked from her eyes- had she ruined everything with Diana?
She hoped not. Hands shaking, she went to the refrigerator and found Diana's number. She called it, and heard what she already knew. Diana had moved, and there was no new number available.
Two hours later, Diana arrived back at her apartment. She leaned against the door, closing her eyes, when the phone rang. She let it ring a few times, before the chiming became annoying and she answered it.
"Hello?"
"Diana?" her mother's voice came through the line. She steeled herself.
"How did you get this number?"
"I... called one of your friends and they gave it to me. I wanted to say that I'm... very sorry for what I said. I hope I haven't hurt you-"
"You hope you haven't hurt me?" Diana said in disbelief. "Are you insane, mother? How could you not have hurt me?"
The line was quiet for a long time.
"I hope you can forgive me, then," she said. "I am... very disappointed. But I want you to know that I think you have made the right decision, and... your father and I support you."
Diana twisted the phone cord between her fingers. "And?"
"And... that's all. But you and Dan are welcome to come over anytime you like... we would like to see you."
"Thank you," Diana said primly.
"No. Please, please visit. And if you'd like any kind of party to celebrate- the rest of the family might be put out they weren't part of the wedding." Marianne tried to hide that by "the rest of the family" she meant herself.
"No parties, mom," Diana protested. "You know that I hate parties."
"Right," she said awkwardly. "So... when was the wedding? Where?"
"It was last Friday, in Portland." It was Thursday.
"Ah. Rain. I think that's supposed to be good luck."
"Yeah. So, umm..."
"I should let you go, I suppose?" Marianne said, dreading hanging up: when would she speak to Diana again?
"I guess. Bye mom."
"Bye, Diana. I love you," she answered, but the phone line was dead.
Diana sat on top of one of the still-packed boxes and thought about that day.
Her mother had reacted exactly as she'd expected, at first. And then she'd apologized... but was it good enough?
Relationships were like people, Diana knew. That day proved it like nothing else: relationships were alive. When you did something to hurt them, they needed time to heal. But could twenty-one years of misunderstanding, repression, and bad communication ever be healed completely? Or would the relationship just... die? After twenty-one years of wounds, a person surely would, so why wouldn't a relationship?
Nineteen Years Later
She put her suitcase down next to her bed, the same bed she'd slept in as a teenager.
"Deja vous," she said out loud. There was a knock at her door, and her mother entered. Her hair was gray, there were wrinkles around her eyes.
"Wow," she thought, and Diana automatically wanted to counter with an argument. Reflexes, you know. But then Marianne continued. "I'm proud of you. You're a brave, strong woman, Diana," she said, and opened her arms to her daughter.
Weird... Diana thought. They were grown women, who seldom embraced even when she was a child. But she obliged.
Diana didn't feel brave. She left her husband and daughter, and it took every ounce of strength she had to do it. She still loved them both. But she couldn't face another day with them... she had no strength left, no bravery.
"Thank you for coming here," her mother said into her ear.
She was then hit with a realization: what if her mother had never really hated her? What if, all this time, they'd just been on different frequencies, and her mother had loved her the whole time? She knew it was true. What if her mother had just been waiting for her to come home?
Diana thought of Natalie, and shuddered. Could she finally be a good daughter and come home, but still be a good mother to Natalie? To be a good mother, she had to be there. Involved, at least a little. Could she be both?
She didn't know.
She'd just have to figure it out.
This is just from the line "a girl with a mother who just couldn't cope." I thought about how Diana's mother must have been, and imagined someone who like Diana, loved her daughter but didn't understand her. However, Diana's mother would probably have been someone quite stable and predictable, and that's why Diana- so unstable- would have been unable to be understood.
LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!
Thanks so much for reading.