Reminiscent, Chapter 5

Even though the wind howled outside and the winter rain lashed at the windows, the fire in the grate crackled merrily, warming the room nicely. Sam could not get warm however – she shivered and hugged herself, leaning back in her chair. Tears welled once again in her eyes and she hunched her shoulders dejectedly. Why? She kept asking herself. She gave a huge sniff and rubbed the hot tears from her cheeks. She leant forward, taking up her pen once more. She added a few more lines to the letter and signed it. She stood, taking the letter with her, reading over it.

Dear Milner,

Forgive me for contacting you out of the blue like this. I know we haven't kept in contact as much as perhaps we should have.
I hope you are doing well, and that Police work is exciting as ever. I do miss it.

I was hoping that we could meet this weekend, perhaps on Saturday afternoon. It would be nice to see you again, and Edi and Clementine of course.
I would like to ask your advice about something – you were the first person I thought of. I know I'm not making much sense here, but please write and let me know if we can meet.

As always,

Sam

Stuffing the letter into an envelope, Sam took a deep breath and sniffed again. That would have to do for now. "Goodbye, Mrs. Brown," Sam called to landlady of the little house where she and Adam rented rooms. She quickly pulled on her heavy coat and stepped outside, braving the wind and rain. She realised she might be a bit late for the start of school, but she had to post the letter today if it were to reach Brighton in time.

Hurrying along into town, she posted the letter and then continued on to the nursery school just past the baker's. For the past few months she had been helping the teachers at nursery. She loved working with the children and being around them. She was glad they lived in a world without war. She arrived slightly out of breath, but in time. The children were just going in and were pleased to see her, crowding around shouting and laughing about some new game. Sam smiled, glad to have this to take her mind off things.

The reply to Sam's letter came in two days time. Sam's heart leapt when she saw Milner's handwriting. She tore open the letter and read it quickly.

Dear Sam,

How nice to hear from you. Yes, come at 3 on Sat. and we'll have an early tea. It will be lovely to see you.

Best,

Paul Milner

Sam breathed a sigh of relief and sat down heavily. She hoped Milner would be able to help.

Saturday dawned with the promise of nicer weather. Sam took the bus to Brighton in the afternoon, stopping to buy a little toy for Clementine on the way to Milner's house. She had never been to his new house and was curious to see it. The front was painted a lovely, bright cream and had a nice view. She knocked on the door and looked around, waiting.

"Sam." Milner smiled broadly and kissed her cheek. He beckoned her in and led the way to the lounge. Clementine sat comfortably playing on the floor. "Edi's just bringing the tea," Milner said, showing Sam to a seat. "How are you, Sam? It feels like it has been ages."

Sam smiled, "Yes it has been. I'm doing well."

Clementine looked up with interest at their new guest. Sam looked at Milner, "I brought her a little toy, may I give it to her?"

"That's very kind, Sam." Milner smiled to himself, suddenly remembering the baby clothes Sam had tried to make out of an old blanket all those years ago.

Sam knelt near the little girl and brought out a small doll. Clementine seized it with joy, giving a little gurgle. Edi came in and set down the tea tray. "Oh that's lovely, Sam, thank you." Sam stood and greeted her. As Edi poured the tea, Sam looked around the room. It was a cozy place. Milner was looking his usual self, although Sam could tell he was losing his hair slightly. The three exchanged pleasantries and Sam inquired about Milner's work as Detective Inspector.

"No vacancies I suppose," Sam asked lightly.

Milner laughed, "No, afraid not."

He sipped his tea and looked over at his wife, catching her eye. She nodded slightly and stood, "I'll just see to some things in the kitchen. Do excuse me."

Sam pulled Clementine into her lap, letting her show off the dolly. Milner set down his cup. "Now, what can I do for you Sam?"

Sam looked up, surprised. Milner wasn't usually one to come to the point so quickly. He smiled kindly, "You had me a bit worried with that letter, Sam. Are you in any trouble?" Milner had wondered why he was the first she had thought of. Wouldn't she have gone to Mr. Foyle?

Sam sighed heavily. "Well, Milner, you were the one person who has known me for a long time and who is not directly involved in my current situation. I felt you would be objective." She patted her hair agitatedly, "You know that I am engaged to be married to Adam Wainwright?"

Milner nodded, remembering some mention of it in one of Sam's old letters from the summer.

Sam continued, "We had a bit of a row the other evening and…well…I suppose I should start from the beginning. He is trying to get into politics and has been up and down to London for the past few months. I know this hasn't been easy for him, and I suppose I caught him at a bad moment, but…"

She paused and took a deep breath, "He mentioned moving up to London, and I said I didn't want to live in the city. There are so many places that are still being restored and repaired after all the bombing damage, and it is busy and hectic. I also said that it was no place to raise a family."

Milner's eyebrows shot up in way faintly reminiscent of their former boss. He said nothing, however, and let Sam continue.

"He just blew up – said I must joking, this was no time to be starting a family, he was still trying to make enough money to allow us to marry and make a home for ourselves. He said I had no idea…didn't I realise the strain he was under. He wants to have children someday, I know, we've talked about it, but his reaction really upset me."

"I…" Sam's breath caught in the back of her throat. She swallowed and went on, "I felt that if I was pregnant right now he wouldn't want us…"

Milner flinched. Poor Sam… He asked hesitantly, "Are you?"

She shook her head, no.

She took another deep breath. Clementine gurgled away happily on her lap and she smiled weakly at the child. "Adam is a good man, Milner, please believe me when I say that, but he gets very focused and doesn't allow anyone else in. He is very clever and I think he forgets about the rest of the world sometimes. He won't talk about what he is working on – not really, just vague mentions here and there. Probably a hang over from his war work. He has never shouted at me before though and I think that is what upset me the most."

Sam's voice trembled, but she added, "We had words and tried discussing our future, but I felt he wasn't being reasonable. He just got angry then and said we should think about it. A colleague of his had invited him to a house in the country along with a few others they know, so he's up there now for four or five days. He comes home tomorrow and I haven't decided what to say to him. He felt this break would be good, but I only feel more lost."

She was crying by then, and Milner looked uncomfortably at her, trying to think of what to say. He had never been particularly skilled in matters of love, so he couldn't think why she had come to him. His only thought was that he would like to pummel this Adam character good and hard for hurting his Sam.

Milner leaned forward, "Has he changed or has just your situation together changed, Sam?" Milner, of all people, knew that a person could change and leave others behind in the process. But he also knew that a situation could change and the person remain the same. His hand went unconsciously to his prosthetic limb.

Sam shook her head, "I don't know." She sniffed, "Maybe we just want different things?"

Milner sighed, thinking hard. "You have got to ask him and see if you both want the same things now."

Sam nodded, "I think he is finally getting a chance to discover himself – he was pulled into the war quite early on because of the type of work he did. Now he has the opportunity to find out what it is he wants out of life. I don't want to get in the way of that."

Frowning, Milner retorted, "Well, if he asked you to marry him, then ideally you would be a part of all that." I'll put the wind up this chap as soon as I get the chance, Milner thought angrily.

They discussed the matter awhile longer, Milner trying to cheer Sam up. When it was time to catch her bus he walked with her to the stop. "Thank you, Milner," Sam said warmly, smiling, "You've been a great help. It feels better just having talked it over."

He put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "Any time, Sam. I'm always here if you need me."

The bus pulled up, sending a wave of rainwater puddles onto the pavement. Milner kissed Sam on the cheek and waved good-bye. "Look after yourself, Sam."

"And you," Sam replied as the doors closed. She found a seat and sat looking out as the town flashed by.

In anguish, Sam let questions form in her mind and then tried to answer them practically. In the end she told herself that she would wait until Adam came home and they had talked things through. However, she could not get rid of the overwhelming feeling of doubt she had been experiencing. Do I love Adam? Yes. Do I see a future with him? Y- … do I? As Hastings came into view, Sam cursed under breath. This wasn't going to end well, she could feel it.