There's so many of these going around, but I wanted to write me own version. Lemme know if you like!
"Are you sure we can handle this?" Natalie asked for the thousandth time, a hand on her stomach as Henry drove to the doctor. "I mean-"
"Natalie, I know we can handle it. We both want this." He took her hand and held it comfortingly.
She didn't know if he was right. She was three months pregnant, and still unsure about it all. She and Henry had been married three years, were financially stable, and as a result of a series of late night conversations, had decided to have a baby. Even though it had been planned, fear had still filled her when she found out that she was pregnant. With a child, she was one step closer to the horror that her mother had lived. Now, she worried daily for her health and often woke up in the night, terrified about impossible accidents that could happen to the child as it grew up.
"We're going to be fine, Natalie," Henry said.
"Can you believe we've lasted this long?" she asked pensively. He glanced at her, smiling.
"Why? You getting tired of me?"
She smiled back. "Definitely not. I meant that it's kind of amazing that we've been together this long- it's so lucky that we met each other when we were so young... you really were the best boyfriend ever," she complimented.
"I tried," Henry confessed. "I knew it was the first step to this," he said, acknowledging their interlocked hands. "I knew you wouldn't marry me without some serious persuasion first. You were kind of hard to get to back then, you know."
She rolled her eyes. Henry had a knack for drawing attention to her angry, negative personality. But he also had a knack of being extremely positive- sometimes it was annoying, but usually it just served to balance them out.
They arrived at the doctor, and filled out the usual forms for the usual checkup. With baited breath, Natalie waited for the doctor to tell them that the baby was sick, or turned over in the womb, or that she had somehow had a miscarriage without knowing it. She only breathed out when she heard the words she'd been praying for. "You and the baby seem wonderfully healthy. Keep doing what you're doing, and check in with us in the next couple weeks."
Their journey had not been easy. Natalie had never ever wanted children. She had been dead set against them- not because she didn't like them, but because she didn't want to put herself in danger of becoming what her mother was. More than that, she didn't want to give her child the same youth that she'd suffered through.
It had been tough on her and Henry- he hadn't really cared until the were going to get married. But after their engagement, they sat down to figure out some goals for their lives. They had one discussion about it that turned quickly into a fight- he said he's always seen himself having children, and he didn't know if he could give that up. But he also said he couldn't see himself with anyone else. Natalie asked if he could trust her with children- he claimed he could.
It had been bad- he'd called her selfish for thinking only for her own problems, and forever taking this opportunity away from the both of them. She said he was selfish because he was willing to bring a child into the world and risk it having a horrible life. In the end, after many tears, they'd agreed to bury the issue and not reach any definitive agreements on it. Natalie said she would think about it, but she couldn't promise anything. They'd discuss it again in a few months.
Periodically, they checked in with each other, and for awhile, nothing changed. They had more fights, and it had been the biggest problem with their engagement.
"I'm not going to marry you until this is resolved," Henry said gravely.
"So you won't marry be unless you get your way?" she asked, appalled and annoyed.
"No," he said, clenching his fists in frustration. "But I'm not going to marry you when we're disagreeing about something as big as this."
Inside, they were voicing more concerns that neither would say: Natalie didn't want to end up like her mom. She was afraid she'd mess something up. And she did not want to lose her sanity, and become the frightening, unstable woman who she'd been embarrassed of throughout her childhood. And really, Natalie did want children. But she couldn't stand for her child to be embarrassed of her.
Henry, on the other hand, was thinking something poisonous and destructive to their relationship. Deep down, he thought that it was time for Natalie to make a sacrifice for him.It wasn't like he regretting anything he did for her, but he was always the one being supportive, the one helping her out. Thus far, he hadn't asked for anything, and she'd been everything he'd ever wanted and more. It wasn't like she was taking advantage of him or anything, but he just felt like he should be able to have a say in something this huge. And he'd always helped her through everything before, and it had all turned out ok. Who's to say that if she did have children, she would lose her sanity? There was no guarantee. Hell, she was saner than him most of the time anyway. He was resentful, because he truly believed she would be fine, and she was taking this away from him.
Eventually, their concerns came through to each other, and they started talking. Henry said there were some things he just didn't want to compromise on. But he would be willing to take it one step at a time- they could just begin thinking more seriously about having children. Natalie admitted her fears. They made a few appointments with a councellor, asking about the safety and mental risks on Natalie- in the end, Natalie wasn't so scared.
And here they were, pregnant.
Six months later, she was sitting in a hospital bed between contractions, trying to keep herself from having a panic attack.
"What if he's got six fingers on one hand?"
"He'll be a fantastic piano player," Henry said calmly. "Just breathe, ok? He's healthy-"
"He was healthy in the last ultrasound, which was two weeks ago! What if something happened since then? Don't you care-"
"Natalie."
"Sorry," she said. "I'm doing it again, aren't I?"
He smiled. "It's ok. We've got awhile though, like the nurse said. Let's see what's on tv. Ooh, look- Seinfeld. Have you seen this one?"
Natalie bared her teeth. "Henry. Do you honestly think I want to watch Seinfeld when I am about to give birth?"
He flipped the tv off. "Sorry."
"Sorry," she said. "Stressed."
"It's all good. Me too."
Henry couldn't describe exactly what he felt when he heard his son's cries for the first time. He lost grip on reality, and everything in the world seemed to shift. The nurse handed the red, squirming child to Natalie, and as he leaned over her and gazed into the face of his son he could only describe it this way: everything fell into place. He sat on the bed next to Natalie, next to his family. She had the same look on her face- almost religious worship, tears in her eyes. She looked at him, her eyes huge and disbelieving, and he kissed her.
"Look at us," he said.
"All three of us," she said, her voice cracking.
He put his arm around her, and touched his son for the first time. He stroked one of his fingers against the baby's tiny fist. As gently as he could, he touched one of the minuscule fingers. He looked so fragile. Henry was terrified of breaking him.
"We did it," he said gently, tears now forming in his own eyes.
Natalie sighed in relief. "He's perfect."
"You're perfect."
Two and a half weeks later, Natalie answered the door, letting her mom in.
"Hey," she said, rubbing her eyes.
"Hi, sweetheart. You look good- healthy. Now- where's my grandson?" Diana asked.
"He's asleep," Natalie said, motioning to the baby blanket spread in the middle of the living room floor, the little boy in the green onesie right in the middle. "So let's try not to change that."
They sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes. Henry was out buying groceries. After she'd delivered the baby, her parents and Henry's parents had come to the hospital to meet him. But her mom wanted to come up again and spend the afternoon with Natalie and her grandson.
"When does Henry go back to work?"
"On Monday," Natalie said. "The school gave him three weeks, which is nice. And I have off until June, which is perfect. Once I go back to work, Henry's off for the summer. But we haven't decided if I'm going back full time or not."
"You tired?" Diana asked. Natalie sighed, smiling, but rubbing her face with a hand.
"People say it's tiring- but I didn't even expect it to be half as hard. And Henry hasn't even gone back to work yet- that's going to take some adjusting. But it's so, so worth it," she said, smiling. She'd been feeling so euphoric ever since the baby came.
"Do you need any help?"
Natalie froze, plastering a friendly but non-committal smile on her face. "Er, thanks mom. But I don't think so." The last thing I want to do is leave my child in your hands, she thought. Then she saw her mom's face fall ever so slightly, and her gaze drop to the floor. Natalie then felt bad, so she decided to share some information to level the ground. "Henry's mom called today and asked if we wanted her to stay with us for a few weeks, for when he goes back to work."
"Oh. That's nice of her," Diana said. She didn't really like Henry's mom, and hearing this made her jealous.
"I said no."
"Oh," Di said, smiling. "Good for you!"
"Yeah, I was thinking... I don't need that much help. And I'd rather not have to worry about keeping the house clean or looking nice." She tugged the bottom of her well-worn Yale tshirt. "Plus... he's my child, you know? And I don't really want anyone else raising him. Henry and I want to do it ourselves, figure everything out. Maybe we'll need help down the line, but we need to start out on our own. And... I want to be his mommy. I don't want to share him just yet."
This last bit she added quietly, almost to herself, as she stared fondly down at her sleeping son. She blinked tears from her eyes- she was crying so much lately, it was ridiculous. She laughed at herself a little and wiped her eyes, and then noticed her mother was crying, too. Tears were streaming from her eyes as she looked down at her grandson. Gently, Natalie leaned to the ground and picked him up.
His body felt so wonderful against hers- his tiny, warm little form resting against her chest, his head against her neck, his fuzzy hair tickling her, and his baby smell so comforting.
"Do you... do you want to hold him?" Natalie said, a little reluctant. She didn't want to let him go.
Diana shook her head, trying to get a hold of herself. "No, I- I shouldn't."
Natalie's heart broke a little then. Before, she couldn't exactly understand the pain her mother must have gone through. She didn't know the sheer power of the connection she had with her child- the love and protectiveness she felt. Anything else paled in comparison. Her mother's story touched her for the first time, and she felt empathy.
"No, really," Natalie said, meaning it this time. "I want you to hold him." She met her mom's eyes. "I trust you."
Diana stopped crying, shocked. Her daughter smiled warmly at her, and for a moment, all their past and their difficulties fell away. They were just mother and daughter. Nervously, Diana held out her arms, and Natalie passed off the warm bundle that was her son. He was still asleep, just letting out a few sleepy gurgles when he was jostled a little in the exchange. Diana was lost in her past then, but in a different way. She knew that this was her grandson, but it brought back memories. Wonderful memories- not harmful ones. Holding a child can do that to you- touch your heart in a way you never deemed possible. She was hoodwinked by him already- this little guy already had her wrapped around his finger.
Natalie smiled, sitting back against the couch. She watched her mom for awhile, a little edgy, but soon enough she relaxed. She was holding the little boy like he was made of glass. She was so careful. The look of adoration in her mother's eyes was touching.
"He looks like you," Diana said. "But I think he has Henry's eyes. What do you think, Nat? Nat?"
But Natalie had fallen asleep.