Hello! Firstly, please don't kill me! It couldn't all be butterflies and rainbows, they're teenagers. And being one, tempers do fly. Anyway, I hope you still like the story. It will get better (obviously considering we all know what happens) just be patient. Happy fanficcing! (:
Disclaimer: I wish I owned it, but I don't
Previously:
Lily looked down at the floor, closing her eyes to draw the courage to do this. She was slowly breaking her own heart. James, realizing what she was going to do, put his hand over her mouth, and a finger under her chin, and drew her chin so he could look in those eyes again. He saw his own pain reflected in her eyes, and Lily watched as realization flooded James' eyes.
"It's over James."
If you had asked her, Lily could tell you exactly when the time changed from 5:59 to 6:00 in the morning. She had been up the whole night, staring at the clock, unable to fall asleep. She had collapsed in the same clothes she had been wearing the previous day during their snowball fight. There was a whole day until school started. A whole day of not being with James. She broke out of her reverie, and turned back to the clock, it was 6:01am. She sighed and pushed herself off the bed, her face still wet from tears that had been running down them the whole night. She felt more tears flow down slowly, and wiped them away quickly. She walked down to the bathroom, looking around cautiously to make sure James wasn't there, and went in for a shower, unaware of which water on her face was from the shower, and which was tears.
James heard the sound of a shower, and buried his face in his pillow. He hadn't slept. He had sat in his bed, staring at a spot on the wall, watching as it went in and out of focus as he cried. He had finally gotten the girl of his dreams, and he had lost her. The snowball fight and the penis game seemed so long ago. He closed his eyes, remembering Lily's laughter, and Lily's smile, and Lily's kisses. He wiped his eyes, wondering what he was going to do the whole day. At least if there had been school, he could have hidden behind textbooks the whole day. The sound of the shower stopped and James walked down the stairs to get his bag, wanting to get a glimpse of her.
Lily opened the door, dressed in dark jeans, a black tank top and a light blue jacket, her hair tied in a miserable bun on top of her head. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from the crying, but she doubted that look would go away for a long time. She sighed and pulled the door open, to see James by his desk. He froze when the door opened and turned to look at her.
Why does she have to look so beautiful? He asked himself, looking hungrily from her jeans, to her hair, to her face. Her eyes, he noticed, were bloodshot and puffy, as if she too had been crying the whole night. Lily looked at James' red eyes and bit back a sob. He was wearing the same clothes he had been wearing when he'd come back to their dorm the previous night. They stood there for a while, looking at each other, when Lily shook her head.
"Morning Potter," she said quietly, and James felt his heart break as he noticed she was not wearing the locket he had given her. Lily had left it on her dresser, and had cried as she took it off. Feeling the waterworks spring up again, James grabbed his school bag and made his way up the stairs. He had decided to bury himself in textbooks to distract him, but nothing could distract him from the heart shattering pain. Lily made her way downstairs to the Great Hall, tears spilling down her face once again, but she didn't notice. When she made it to the doors leading to the Great Hall, she wiped her face before walking in. She saw Sirius, Peter and Hestia had already arrived. Remus was probably still in the hospital wing. She felt a pang as she remembered the werewolf, the dog, the rat, and the stag.
"LILY-FLOWER!" Sirius bellowed, and Lily felt a tug at her navel, "Where's Prongsie?" he asked cheerfully. Lily ignored him, and sat down next to Peter. Hestia took one look at Lily and turned to Sirius, silencing him with a glance. Severus, who had arrived with Avery before the Gryffindors, looked at Lily with a worried expression. He had seen that expression before; it meant her world was falling apart. Dumbledore and the rest of the teachers were watching Lily with curious expressions, but Lily ignored them, staring at her empty plate. She took her hair down, and held back a sob as she remembered the amount of times James had done that. She felt a tap on her shoulder and looked up to see Alice standing over her, holding her hand out. Lily looked down at it and took it silently. Alice pulled her off the seat, and Hestia got off her seat, walking over to Lily.
"Lils?" Hestia said quietly, putting her arm around Lily's shoulders delicately, and Lily burst into tears at the use of that nickname. Sirius, Peter, Frank, and the teachers stood up as Lily burst into tears; none of them had ever seen her cry. Severus felt his throat clog as he realized the only thing that could make her cry like this; Potter. Sirius walked over to Lily and put his arms comfortingly around her shoulders, and Lily wound her arms around Sirius' neck, crying into his shoulders.
"Lily what's wrong?" Alice said worriedly, stroking Lily's hair gently. Hestia, who was looking nauseous, paled, as she realized Lily would only cry over one thing like this; James. Peter and Frank stood awkwardly around Sirius and Lily, as Hestia and Alice comforted Lily by stroking her hair. Lily cried into Sirius' shoulder, crying because these weren't the arms she wanted wrapped around her.
"Everyone, out," Dumbledore said quietly, and the teachers filed out, along with the rest of the students who weren't involved, except Severus, who stayed behind as Dumbledore walked out.
"Lily," Severus said, taking a step towards her.
"Go away Snivellus," Peter said, attempting to be nasty, but his voice was coated in worry as he watched Lily cry. Severus ignored Peter and walked over to Lily. Sirius let go of Lily, and stepped in front of her protectively, glaring at Snape. Severus ignored him as well and pushed around him, getting to Lily, earning him glares from everyone.
"Lily, what happened with you and Potter?" Severus said quietly. He heard the sharp intake of breath from everyone except Hestia, who had gotten there earlier. Lily shook her head and Severus put his hand consolingly on her shoulder, but she shook it off.
"Go away," she choked, and Severus, head hanging, walked out of the room. He turned as he saw her launch herself back into Black's arms, and walked down the hallway to his common room.
"Lily, did you break up?" Hestia said gently. Sirius' face paled as Lily continued to cry, and he let go of her, handing her to Hestia.
Prongs. Sirius ran out of the Great Hall and up to the Head's dorm. He told the password to the portrait, who nodded dejectedly, and the door opened. He ran up the stairs to James' room to see James, sitting on the bed, holding the sphere Lily had given him in his hands. As Sirius watched, James put it aside, and pulled out his secret photo album that was filled with pictures of Lily. Sirius walked in, and James head snapped up. Sirius held his hand out, and James took it, letting Sirius pull him out of bed. Sirius saw his best mate still wearing the clothes from last night. One look at James' face, and Sirius knew that him and Lily had broken up. James started to cry again, and Sirius sat with James, holding his head, as James cried, and cried, and cried.
"Lily, what happened?" Alice asked soothingly, now in Lily's old dormitory. Frank and Peter had gone to the hospital wing to tell Remus what had happened. Lily shook her head. She wasn't going to tell the Animagus secret to anyone. It wasn't her secret. She only knew one person she could talk to about this.
"I…need…her," she choked out.
"Who Lils?" Hestia said quietly.
"Don't call me that!" Lily cried, and Hestia bit her lip, realizing her mistake. It was the names James called her
"You could apparate to her," Alice said quietly. She wasn't sure who Lily wanted, but if she wanted someone so bad, she should go. Lily nodded, sobbing, and got up. She ran out of the dormitory, not bothering to apologize to Hestia and Alice, who understood, and ran to Dumbledore's office.
Hestia and Alice walked to the Heads dorm, wanting to see James. They walked up James' staircase, to see James sobbing on the floor, and Sirius sitting next to him, tears in his eyes as well. Hestia bit her lip and walked over to sit on the other side of James. James, shocked to see Alice and Hestia, looked up at them. Alice felt a lump rise in her throat at the sight of him, puffy eyed and broken. She sat down on front of James.
"What are you doing here?" James croaked out, and Hestia took his hand in hers.
"We came to see how you were," she said gently, and James nodded, feeling more tears flood out of his eyes.
"Where's Li-she. Where's she?" he asked, unable to say her name. Even the reference to her was too much to take, and he felt a sob escape him, causing his whole frame to shatter.
"She left," Alice said quietly, and James' head snapped up to look at her.
"Left?" he said quietly.
"She needed to see…someone," Alice said, and James nodded.
"She's crushed too James," Hestia said quietly. James hung his head and continued to cry.
"Then why?" he sobbed. That was a question neither of the girls had an answer to.
"She said she couldn't do it," Alice said. James, knowing exactly what Lily had been referring to, nodded, and continued to cry. Sirius stood up quickly, and ran out of the dorm, trusting Hestia enough to be with James. He ran out of the dorm to Dumbledore's office. He threw the door open to see Lily standing in the fireplace, holding Floo Powder. Lily took one look at him before throwing the powder and vanishing.
"Where is she going?" Sirius asked Dumbledore, who looked somber.
"Privet Drive"
Lily found herself in a neat living room, which looked too clean. There were pictures along the mantelpiece and she saw a doorway across the room. She walked to the doorway, and found herself in a narrow hallway. There was a staircase to her right, and underneath it, a small cupboard. Straight ahead, she saw a kitchen. She walked towards it and pushed the door open to see a neat kitchen, with a table for four in the middle. Petunia wasn't in there. She ran up back into the hallway and ran up the stairs. She pushed open two doors, to see two empty rooms with cream walls, and then a third to see the master bedroom. She saw Petunia, sitting on the bed, and watching television. Petunia jumped as the door opened and her eyes widened as she saw who it was.
"Lily?" she asked breathlessly, getting off the bed and walking over to her sister, "Lily, what's happened?" Lily started to cry again, and Petunia wrapped her arms around her little sister, telling her repeatedly that it was going to be okay.
"I didn't mean to disturb," Lily choked out, and Petunia shook her head, brushing Lily's hair out of her face.
"Vernon's not here," Petunia said quietly, realizing the reason for her sisters' discomfort. Lily nodded and Petunia grabbed her hand, leading her to the bed, "Speak."
"What's in Privet Drive?" Sirius asked, barging into the hospital wing, where Remus was sitting by himself.
"I'm sorry?" Remus asked bewildered.
"Privet Drive. Lily went there right now after Hestia and Alice tried to comfort her about it," Sirius said. Remus blinked.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Remus said truthfully.
"Didn't Wormtail and Frank come here?"
"No…" Remus said.
"Lily and James broke up," Sirius said, running a hand through his hair, and he saw Remus' jaw drop.
"WHAT? WHY?" he yelled, and Sirius sighed.
"Lily is upset with James about the Animagus thing. Apparently she doesn't care about the actual Animagus thing itself, but the fact that she didn't know, and if James had gotten killed, she wouldn't have known anything," Sirius groaned. He saw Remus nod, "Don't tell me you agree with her?" Sirius gasped, and Remus shrugged.
"I didn't like the idea either to be honest. I was always worried about what would happen if I killed one of you. Nobody would ever find out what happened," Remus said quietly, and Sirius nodded, "Lily's right to be worried. But I don't understand why she broke it off," he said, and Sirius sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed, "How's James?" Remus asked softly.
"He's a mess," Sirius said in a choked voice.
"Bring him here," Remus said, and Sirius nodded, getting off the bed and heading towards the Heads dorm. He ran in to see Hestia and Alice downstairs.
"Why aren't you up there?" Sirius asked, jerking his head in the direction of James' room.
"We got him to go for a shower," Alice said, and Sirius nodded gratefully, "They help me calm down"
"Thank you," Sirius said quietly to Alice. Hestia got up and walked over to Sirius, pulling him into a hug. Sirius hugged her back tightly, burying his face in her shoulder.
"How are you?" Hestia said quietly into his ear. Sirius shook his head and Hestia rubbed his back soothingly, "It'll be okay. I've never seen Lily like this," she choked, and Sirius felt his throat clog at the sound of Hestia upset.
"How are you?" he asked, pulling back so he could see her face. Hestia smiled at the question he had stolen from her, and then shook her head sadly.
"I want this to finish," she said softly, "I want them to stop being upset. I want them to get back together. Like yesterday," she choked, and Sirius kissed her on the forehead. When James came out of the bathroom, dressed in jeans and a jumper, his hair still wet, Sirius walked over to him.
"C'mon," he said, and James walked, not caring where Sirius was taking him, why Sirius was taking him away. He didn't care about anything. He looked in the direction of Lily's staircase, and sighed before walking out of the door. He looked down at his wrist and felt his throat clog. He still had Lily's hair-tie from when he'd pulled it out of her hair the morning before. He took it off his wrist and put it in his pocket, not wanting to ever lose it like he'd lost Lily.
"So you dumped him?" Petunia asked bluntly, looking at her crying sister, "Why? I'm going to need the whole story so I can help you fix it," Petunia said, brushing her sister's hair out of her eyes. Lily took a deep breath before looking up at Petunia.
"He was an illegal Animagus, and he was running around with a werewolf and I didn't know," Lily said quietly.
"Excuse me?" Petunia said, and Lily laughed. She hadn't thought she was going to be able to laugh, but here her sister was, making her laugh. Petunia smiled slightly at the carefree tone of her sister.
"An Animagus is a person who can change their form into an animal of their choice. It's really risky business and if you do it without authorization then you could get sent to prison. He was an illegal Animagus"
"Cool what animal?"
"Tuney!"
"What I'm curious!"
"A stag"
"Hot," Petunia said, and Lily chuckled before continuing. This is what sisters were supposed to be like, and she was glad she could do this at least once before she lost Tuney.
"Our friend is a werewolf, I'm guessing you know what that is, and he was running around in his animal form, along with his three other friends, entertaining the werewolf"
"Isn't that dangerous?" Petunia asked, and Lily nodded vigorously, "What if something had happened?"
"Exactly my point! What if he had died? I didn't know anything about this. He lied to me about it. He could have died in his animal form and nobody would have ever known what had happened, and I would have lost him!" Lily shrieked, and Petunia nodded.
"So you're angry because he lied to you and you were worried," Petunia said soothingly, and Lily felt tears escape her eyes, "You can't trust him"
"No, I cant"
"But you love him," Petunia said, rubbing Lily's hand.
"Yes, I do," sobbed Lily.
"Then I don't have anything else to say," Petunia said gently, "I saw you two together at my wedding. He loves you Lily. And you love him. Don't let this break you two apart. As much as it pains me to say it, I need you to go to him. I'm not going to see you after this, and I need to know someone will look after you," Petunia whispered.
"Why can't I see you?" Lily asked tearfully.
"Because we live in different worlds Lily. And as much as I want to stay with you, this has to be goodbye," Petunia said, kissing her sister on the forehead. Lily nodded tearfully, and hugged her sister goodbye.
"Thank you Tuney"
"Send me a note when you get together so I can relax alright?" Petunia said, "I'll miss you. Bye." There was a pop, and Lily was gone.
She landed in Hogsmeade and looked up at the castle. She felt a pang, realizing the last time she'd done this, James had been by her side, holding her hand. She wrapped her jacket more firmly around her and made her way up to the castle. She walked in and, unable to go to the dorm and be around people, she walked to the Quidditch Pitch, and sat in the stands.
"James, talk to her mate," Remus said gently. He had finally been released from the hospital wing after a whole day of sitting in there listening to James' emotions range from sadness, to grief, to dementia, to anger, to rage, and back to grief.
"She doesn't want to talk to me," James groaned, running his hand through his already messy hair. Sirius and Remus sighed; it was as if they were back to before the two had dated.
"Well then she's absolutely idiotic," Sirius declared, and James turned to glare at him, which Sirius ignored.
"I need to fly," James said, messing up his hair. He summoned his new broom and walked to the Quidditch Pitch. Without looking around, he hopped on his broom and felt the familiar sensation as he shot off the ground, and a smile spread across his face.
Lily watched as James flew around and watched the smile spread across his face, feeling it warm her heart. Whenever he was happy, she was happy. James finally turned towards the stands, and almost fell off his broom as he saw Lily there. Lily looked up at James, before running off the stands. James flew down to hover in front of her, noticing the tears flowing down her cheeks. He dismounted his broom and walked over to her slowly, running his hands through his hair nervously. Lily wiped her face, looking anywhere but at James. He stopped in front of her, too close. Realizing his mistake, he took a step away, feeling as if the space in between them was going to rip him apart. It was physically hurting him to stand this far away from her.
"Hi," he said quietly.
"Hey," Lily breathed back, looking at the floor.
"Can we talk?" he asked, looking up at her, a pained look in his eyes. Lily looked up at him, and opened her mouth to say something, when a voice yelled 'James!'
They turned, both of them irritated, to see Marlene McKinnon, the Gryffindor beater, a fourth year, running up to them, "James I'm so glad I caught you," Marlene said, breathing heavily as if she had just run a mile, "Hi Lily!" she said happily. Marlene had always idolized Lily in a way.
"Hi Marlene," Lily said back in a friendly voice, but James could hear just how close she was to breaking, "I'm going to go now, hope you had a lovely break," Lily said, before turning towards the castle. James tried to catch her eye, but that didn't work, and was pulled back to reality by Marlene, who asked him about Quidditch.
Once Lily entered the castle, she started running. She ran up the marble staircases to the Heads dorm. Remus and Sirius, who had been on their way up to Gryffindor Tower, saw a flash of red as Lily ran by them. Remus ran after her, and followed her into the Heads dorm. Remus followed in after her, Lily completely oblivious to the fact that Remus was there, and watched as Lily Evans, the most composed person he had ever met, crumpled in a heap on the floor in the middle of the common room, going to tears.
"Lily," he said gently, sitting down next to Lily, who jumped.
"Oh, Remus, it's you," she croaked, wiping at her face. Remus put his arms around her shoulders and helped her up, leading her to the sofa, "how are you feeling?" she asked numbly.
"I'm fine, how are you?" he asked concerned. Lily sniffed and shook her head, a response Remus had been getting a lot from people that day, "Why?" he asked quietly, and Lily didn't need any explanation as to what he was asking.
"He's so stupid," she said, tears falling from her eyes, again. Remus nodded, rubbing her shoulder, waiting for her to continue, "What if he had died? What if any of them died? I'm not blaming you!" she said quickly, turning to Remus, who chuckled.
"I know, continue," he said, and Lily hiccoughed, before continuing.
"Well, it's dangerous! What if they had died? Any of them? I'm not only upset at him, but Peter and Sirius as well. But they're not my business. I couldn't handle it if anything happened to them, let alone him. Apparently, I can't even look at him with a cut on his face, as a bloody stag, without trying to fix it! What would I do if he got seriously hurt? What if he died?" she choked on the last word, sobbing now. Remus rubbed circles on her back, waiting for her to calm down.
"I agree with you," he said quietly, and Lily's head snapped up to look at her, "I urged them not to do it. I didn't want anything to happen to them, still don't. I hate the idea of no one knowing what they're doing," he took a deep breath, "But I am grateful for it. They make my transformations less painful, knowing I'll have my friends around. They make my wolf thoughts more…human, in a way," he said, and Lily found herself paying attention, "I'm able to think clearly, be myself, know what's happening. I'm able to have fun and enjoy myself. That is, until I smell a human," he said quietly. Lily flushed, "I'm guessing it was you I smelt last night?" he asked, and Lily nodded, "that was really stupid of you by the way," he said, and he was relieved to see Lily chuckle.
"I know. But I saw what was happening on the map, and, I, I had to," she trailed off, and she saw Remus nod in understanding.
"I get it Lily. It's dangerous. But think of it from James' point of view," Lily flinched as Remus said his name, but Remus continued, pretending he hadn't seen that, "He cares very deeply for people. And he worries about me. Constantly. Its quite irritating to be honest," he added, and Lily smiled a watery smile.
"I know the feeling," she muttered, and Remus grinned.
"It makes him feel better, to be there, to be with me during that horrible time, to carry me to the hospital wing after its over"
"I'm not mad at him about the Animagus thing," she said, and Remus raised his eyebrows.
"I thought that's what the problem was"
"No! Merlin no! I think it's pretty cool actually, despite the Azkaban thing, which, let's face it, nobody's going to catch them, and if they do, they'll just charm their way out of it," she rolled her eyes, and Remus chuckled, "I'm mad because he didn't trust me enough to tell me, and felt like he had to lie to me. Can you see where I'm coming from?" she pleaded, and Remus nodded.
"Absolutely," he smiled, and Lily raised her eyebrows, and Remus sighed, "I'm glad it's not the Animagus thing. I was pretty put out with you for not liking the Animagus thing," he said honestly, "But your reason makes complete sense. I'd want to know if the person I loved was running around risking their life every month. I'd want to know about everything. I'd want to be trusted," he nodded, and Lily nodded.
"Exactly!"
"I think Sirius is under the impression that it's the Animagus thing," Remus chuckled, and Lily paled, imagining how put out Sirius must have been with her, "Don't worry, I'll tell him," Remus said gently, and Lily nodded, reassured, "I think you should talk to James," Remus said quietly, and Lily turned to look at him with watery eyes, afraid.
"I can't Remus. It kills me to even look at him right now," she choked out.
"That's why you have to talk to him. The last time I saw James this broken was after Alissa died," he said, and Lily nodded, rubbing her eyes. Just then, the door opened and James walked in, followed by Sirius.
"Oh," Sirius said.
"C'mon," Remus said, grabbing Sirius and turning around. Seriously, his friend needed a lesson in tact.
"What? Why?" Sirius said, and Remus rolled his eyes. He pulled Sirius out of the door, closing it behind him, leaving Lily and James inside together.
"Can we talk?" James asked quietly, looking up at Lily's frozen form, still sitting where Remus had left her. Lily nodded and James felt a glimmer of hope as he sat down on the armchair, instead of on the sofa next to her. He looked at her. Her skin was pale, and her eyes were red, bloodshot and puffy. Her hair was on her shoulders, sticking up in some places. He let his eyes feast on her before shaking out of his stupor.
"So," he said awkwardly, and he saw the ghost of a smile appear on Lily's face.
"Yes?"
"Please," James breathed, and Lily snapped her head to look at him. James saw Lily's bewildered expression and stood up, not wanting to cause her pain, "Is this it?" he whispered. Lily shook her head a fraction, and James felt his stomach swoop.
"I don't want it to be, but I can't right now," she whispered in a pained voice. She closed her eyes, and hung her head, not wanting the tears to escape while James was there. James looked down at the girl he loved; nothing was ever going to change that.
"Me neither," he said back, before walking around her and up the stairs to his room. He sat down on the bed, pulling out the crystal sphere Lily had given him from under his pillow, and watched as they slow danced, feeling his body shake with sobs again. Lily fell asleep on the sofa, looking into the depths of the fire, lost in her thoughts. James got up after staring at the sphere for a long time, and made his way downstairs. It was midnight, and he felt a pang as he realized he had lost Lily Evans for a day now.
He saw Lily in the same spot he had left her, and as he walked closer, he realized she was asleep. He walked over to her desk, and saw that all her holiday homework, completed, was neatly laid out over it. He walked over to the sleeping Lily and looked down at her, fully appreciating exactly how beautiful she was. He picked her up in his arms, feeling the familiar feel of her, the familiar scent. He climbed up the stairs and pushed the door to her room open with his foot, and placed her gently on her bed. He removed his arms from around her, reluctantly, and she let out a soft moan in her sleep. He ran his hands through her hair, and saw her smile in her sleep.
"James"
His head snapped up and saw that Lily was, in fact, still asleep. He sighed and looked down at her.
"I love you, James"
He felt his eyes fill with tears as he heard those words, words he had worked so hard to achieve from this girl.
"Oh, Lily," he sighed, kneeling down so his face was exactly level with hers. He traced the planes of her face, memorizing them. He sat there for a very long time, watching his Lily sleep, before finally standing up, ruffling his hair.
"I will get you back," he murmured to her, before walking out of the room.