TITLE: Whatever's On Her Mind Chapter 3
PAIRINGS
Faberry (Quinn/Rachel)
RATING: M
A/N: A little uncertain with this chapter, didn't really know what to do with it
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SYNOPSIS: What could have happened if Quinn just told Rachel the truth in the bridal shop, if she just confessed her long denied feelings? How will Rachel react? How will they come back from the revelation?
Quinn's POV
Its Monday now, I finally got to sleep Saturday night, willed myself to fall for about two hours, but I awoke to my alarm, I was tired and my body fought against me with each action, but I wasn't about to let it win, my dreams, the little I did have, were full of one face, one face only, her eyes brown and full of tears that night, only making me love her more. I didn't even think it was possible.
I knew school would be hard today, I'd have to see her in class, in the hallway, in glee, I honestly didn't know whether I was ready to face it all yet, I know I saw her only the other day but she knows everything. Still I got ready for school and headed off.
Once I got there I felt like everyone was staring at me, I know they didn't know but it still felt like it, the only one who knew was her, and that was hard enough. I wondered if any of the glee girls knew how easily it was for them to overhear me and Rachel talking that day. I saw Mercedes and Tina outside of the school entrance they said hi that was all, they didn't know, then I saw Santana and Brittany at their lockers, they stopped making eyes at each other long enough to send me a wave, they didn't know, lastly I saw Sugar, talking and what looked like flirting with some random boy, she threw me a smile, she didn't know. No one knew, no one but her.
I saw Finn by his locker, he didn't look as happy as he normally did, I guess I should feel bad, but I feel so many different feelings right now, I can't separate one from another. He smiled at me when we locked eyes, I forced one back, but it almost broke me, he didn't know. I began to head to my own locker to get my math book for my first class; it was only when I reached it I saw her on the other side of the hall at her own locker. I wanted to talk to her I did, but I couldn't bring myself to walk towards her, I mean what do I even say.
She glanced down and I was pretty certain she saw me looking at her but if she had she didn't react, I quickly grabbed my book and walked in the opposite direction to get away. I didn't want to avoid her, but right now it was all my body could let me do. Luckily my first class was free from her, I wouldn't see her till gym later that day.
Rachel's POV
Last night was torture, worse than the night before, I tried to sleep but my mind just kept seeing Finn's face when I told him about needing more time, then I'd toss and I'd turn and I'd see her face when she told me, told me that she loved me, it still didn't seem real, how, in under a few days my life had changed from being set on marrying the boy I was so sure I loved to being a complete mess, full of feelings I'd never even knew I had, not sure whether to take the next step with him or not.
When I got to school I knew I had to talk to him, had to assure him I wasn't doubting him but myself, my feelings really but I wasn't sure if I should tell him that part, he'd only want to know more and I wasn't ready to explain a situation I didn't truly understand myself yet. I saw him by his locker, before I knew it my feet were carrying me over.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked him with a layer of guilt already in my tone, I didn't want to make him feel worse by saying something wrong, more wrong, and I had to tread carefully.
"Thought that's what we did last night" he said slamming his locker and turning to me it wasn't a question but a statement. His face was a mixture of anger and hurt. It made me want to just hug him and assure him everything would be ok and it would work out but how can I? I don't know that. I wish I did but I have no answers yet. I wish someone could tell me that it will be ok, but such a thing I know won't happen.
"Finn please I just need to have a few moments" I could feel my eyes about to break free with tears, and for some reason I didn't want him to see me cry, despite all the tears I shed in front of him the other day. He nodded thankfully giving me a moment.
I walked into an empty classroom next to us and he followed "What is it Rachel?" he voiced, angry at me and I took it cause I knew in a way I deserved it
"I need you to know it's not your fault, you're not the reason for all this" he looked at me and I could tell he didn't believe my words
"Is that so, so what is it then, all that needing time stuff, I know its crap Rachel!" I've seen him angry before but suddenly it's so much worse when he's broken too, especially knowing I was the one that caused this uncharacteristic way. "Is there someone else or something is that it?" he calmed his tone now
The question took me by surprise, on one hand it was true but on the other I wasn't cheating if that's what he was referring to.
"No there's no one else, it's just you" I assure him even though I know it's a lie, I can't bring myself to look him in the eyes, those big broken hearted eyes, so instead I opt to stare at the ground hoping he won't question it more "Please Finn I don't want this to be hard, I still love you I do, I'm not debating that, I just…"
"Need time" he interrupted me making me look up at him again "I know Rachel, but I love you and I don't want anyone else, I don't need time to know that, but if you do it means we're not on the same page doesn't it?"
"What are saying?" I feel a tear run down my cheek as I ask, I know what he's about to say next but I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear it
"I'm saying maybe we should just brake up"
There it was, my heart sank, my tears fell and I felt sick. Brake up.
"Finn you don't mean that"
"I do Rach, until you know what you want, like properly, then there's no reason for us to stay together, I can't be with you if you're not sure about me"
"I am sure" I lie again, I'm not sure, not anymore, but I can't just let him go without a fight, that's not me, I can't let that happen
"I still love you Rachel and I'm not going anywhere, when you know exactly what it is that you want I'll still be waiting, I'll always wait for you" he confessed but before I could response he had left the classroom, leaving me with more heart break and even more tears yet again.
I don't know how long I'd been in the room for, I was sat on one of the desks, wiping away each drop as it fell from my eyes, my so very tired eyes. It must have been about 30 minutes and I knew I had missed most of my first period but right now I just didn't care
"Rachel?" I heard my name from the door, I looked up to see none other than Santana standing there, she waked in. "Are you ok?" she asked and I have to admit she sounded genially concerned for me.
"I'm fine Santana, you can leave if you want" I tell her, I don't want to be alone but I'm not sure If I want her around either
She walked up to me and jumped up on the desk, surprising me when she wrapped an arm around me "Nonsense Berry, your crying you're not fine, tell auntie 'Tana what the problem is and I'll kick their ass" I couldn't help but giggle, she could be a bitch, but she was so sweet when she wanted to be, and when no one else was around of course, I wondered briefly if this is the side that Brittany is lucky enough to see every day, then I realize of course it is, no wonder the blond fell for her so hard.
"It's not a person, well not one you need to beat up anyway" I say with a sniffle, her body is warm against me, I can feel her breath on my cheek, I wonder what Quinn would feel like if she were here instead.
"Do you want me to get Finn, unless he's the reason your crying of course then I'll go all lima heights on that Neanderthal" Santana jokes and she laughs in a way I haven't heard before, it's not mean, it's not sarcastic, it's comforting, I know for sure I like it more than her usual way.
"No don't get Finn, were not really speaking right now" I tell her because I know she'll find out eventually anyway "I postponed the wedding"
"What? Why? I thought you guys were like really into that?" she sounds shocked, but I don't really know why.
"I just need more time to figure some stuff out, we're still young after all" I tried to sound as confident as possible but I'm pretty sure I failed heavily at that
"Thank god you figured it out before it was too late" she states relived almost
"Can I ask you something Santana?" I guess she would know out of most people, with what she's been through.
"Sure Berry what's on your mind?" she pats my back a little, the gesture is nice and I feel more relaxed
I turn to look her in the eyes before I speak again "How did you know Brittany was the one for you?" I swallow, audibly but she doesn't notice
She smiles, I presume at the mention of her girlfriend's name "It's kinda hard to explain, but I guess you just know, it's like I spent so long pretending I didn't feel anything for her, but when it got to the point of not being able to hid it any more, it just hurt. When I eventually accepted it, it never seemed wrong again, it was like all those questions I had were finally answered, after that it just seemed so easy. Every time I see her face I, smile, I'd do anything for her. People think she's dumb but she's a genius" I can't help but smile seeing Santana talk like this, I knew she loved Brittany but her love is clearly so much deeper than everyone believes, it's so strong, Santana sees all the things in Brittany that everyone else over looks. Santana's right Britt is smart, she may not be academic, but that doesn't mean she's stupid. "Every time I'm with Britt my body feels like its melting, every time we touch I don't just feel it in that one place, I feel it all over but most importantly I feel it here" she points to her heart, it makes sense "I could have the worst things happened to me in a day, I could be hit by a car, mugged, beat up, shot, but as long as I could still be with her, see her face, touch her skin, hear her voice, her laugh, I wouldn't care if I didn't live another day after that" her words stun me, honestly I didn't think Santana could be so deep, but here she was proving me wrong and the funny thing was, the look in her eyes as she spoke about the blond was the same look Quinn had in hers when she confessed everything to me. I don't think my explanation of love to Quinn could even stand up to Santana's.
"Why did you ask anyway Berry?" Santana uses a litter tone now
"It's nothing, honestly, I was just curious that's all" I smiled trying to assure her.
She raises her brows at me like she doesn't believe me; of course she doesn't who would.
"Are you in love with someone that isn't Finn?" she asks but I can tell by her voice she's already accepted that as her answer
"What? No course not, don't be silly" I laugh her off
"It's ok Rachel I get it, it's hard at first, very hard in fact, and it does take time, but once you know, once you truly know, and you accept it to yourself, you'll never look back again. And remember, love comes from the strangest of places" she speaks so confidently like she's reading my thoughts, it's then I wonder if she's taking about Quinn, if she knows, if anyone actually knows, did they figure it out, or have they been as blind as me this whole time.
"What do you mean?" I know she most likely won't answer me straight but it doesn't stop me from trying
"Just don't knock it till you've tried it" she giggles spreading light on the so far dark day I've had "Well I'm off to class now, well the last few minutes anyway, Britt's gonna kill me, see you in gym" she jumps off the desk and heads to the door
I stop her needing to thank her for her help "Santana, thank you" she nods at me I look down thinking she would just leave but she says one last thing before going
"Rachel, I know it can be difficult, but also know it's true" she leaves with that and I have no idea what she meant by it, was she taking about love, Quinn's love, I guess she was, or maybe finding it, but then I realize she called me Rachel, twice, she hardly ever does that, it made a nice change.
2 hours later-Gym
Quinn's POV
I walk into the locker room to get changed for class; I know I'm bound to find her there, bound to see those eyes. But I can't just skip every time I might see her. I know I have to face it all eventually. When I walk in I first see Santana and Brittany, Mercedes is around too, and a few girls from our class. I walk to my locker to get my kit, so far no sign of her, I don't know if it's good or bad, but right now all I know is it doesn't hurt as much.
I pull my gym clothes out and I'm about to get changed when I feel a hand on my back, its small and I already know who it belongs to, I turn and lock eyes immediately with her. "Rachel?" I greet, my voice is small and curse myself for it
"Quinn, I wanted to return the towel you lent me, pressed and washed like I promised" she hands me the towel, I take it and put it in the locker for now, I know she's feeling as awkward as I am cause she hasn't tried to make small talk at all. But I wonder if she hurts as much as I do. "Quinn I was wondering if we could meet up, maybe tomorrow after school?" I look at her but I don't know what to say, why does she want to hang out, we've never really hung out outside of school before, I know its slightly different now but still. "Maybe we could talk?" I look around the room and catch sight of our friends, none of them are paying attention, all too engrossed in their own jokes.
"Sure I guess" I say before I really know my mouth is opening, maybe this is a good thing getting to know her better, learning about her. Getting closer.
"Good I'll come over yours and we can just do whatever?" she suggests I nod and she walks to her own space to change for gym, I don't know what's to happen but maybe it's what I need. Maybe it's all I need, a friend like her
3 hours later-Glee Club
Rachel's POV
I sit in glee while everyone else piles in, I don't know why I asked Quinn to hang out, it seems lame but if I'm going to figure out these confusing feelings I need to spend time with her, getting to know her, I don't know what to except to happen but I know it will be awkward, I know it be as easy as it could have once been. Well for me at least, for Quinn, it will be worse, she's had these feelings for longer than I've known, and the way she must have had to deal with that must have torn her apart, I guess that's why the truth finally came out, I can only imagine, I guess I'll never know for sure
I wait for everyone to turn up, Finn comes in he gives me a smile but we sit separately, I hear them whisper, they most likely all know by now but I don't mind, I don't care actually, it's none of their business so I will just ignore anyone who tries to make it there's for no real reason. I see Santana and Brittany come in hand in hand smiling sweetly at each other as they take their seats at the back, I feel warm when I remember the things Santana confessed a few hours before, to think Quinn could think that way about me.
I want to see her again, she should be here by now, but Mr Shue comes in and there's no sign of her, when he asks of her whereabouts Mercedes informs the group she isn't coming today, she tells Mr Shue an excuse about a doctor's appointment but I know it's a lie, I know she just can't handle it, I know it's too much right now, to be in the same room as me and Finn at the same time. It saddens me but I get it.
5 hours later- Quinn's house
Quinn's POV
I'm reading a book but I just can't concentrate, I skipped glee cause I knew there's no way I could sit through it right now, to see her then to see him, knowing what they had could be over because of me, it should make me happy but it doesn't, I don't know how I feel. But my body still hurts so it can't be a good thing, I guess
I throw the book to the bottom of my bed, thinking about tomorrow and what me and Rachel will do, say. It's going to be hard but at least it's just us, no one around to see, question or judge.
I feel a familiar sensation when thinking of her, it's happened so many times before and I feel guilty, each time, but I can't help myself, if I don't deal with it, it only ever becomes worse and I've already lost too much sleep to lose another night, from my desire.
I look to see if my bedroom door is shut, it is. My mother came home several hours ago from being away, she's downstairs I know that to be true. I'll have to be quick, I usually try to be. I slip my hand down my body feeling the muscles tense under my touch, till I reach the waist band of my sweat pants. I already feel dirty but I need to do this, need it more than anything right now, I can feel it pulsing to be touched, I push my hand down my pants and past my underwear, I moan right away at the feeling, I'm wet already.
I use my first two fingers to stroke at my clit, I don't want to mess around so I give up any form of foreplay and penetration, I just need the touch, desperate for it in fact. My fingers stroke lazily and my hips buck involuntarily. I try keeping my gasps low, I picture Rachel, what she'd feel like, taste like, how her tiny fingers would feel so much better touching me than my own, how her mouth would feel on my lips, how she'd moan my name when I pleasured her till she came apart in front of me, all of this is only known by Finn and I feel a hot tear fall at the thought, I don't want this, these thoughts, there dirty, but I can't stop. My body won't let me stop. I rub faster, pressing down as I go, I'm so close already, I bite my bottom lip to avoid saying her name again, I've done it before and it just makes me cry harder, makes it hurt more.
My fingers are soaked and I'm on edge, about to fall, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna fall from pleasure or the pain I feel inside my chest. I grip my pillow under my head as I moan, coming all over my own hand. My body bucks and feels dark and dirty once more. I feel sick. I come down, relaxing and pull my hand out from sweat pants, wiping my fingers on my sheet, I roll over and hug my spare pillow as if it was her, before I cry myself to sleep once more.
A/N: ok what would you like to see Quinn and Rachel do when they hang out? Any ideas let me know
Please take a few seconds to review so I know how people feel about this story, I'm not too sure about this last chapter tbh let me know if you think otherwise.