TITLE: Whatever's On Her Mind Chapter 4
PAIRINGS
Faberry (Quinn/Rachel)
RATING: M
SYNOPSIS: What could have happened if Quinn just told Rachel the truth in the bridal shop, if she just confessed her long denied feelings? How will Rachel react? How will they come back from the revelation?
A/N:
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Quinn's POV
When I wake up I realize that today I'm actually getting something I've wanted for a while now, I'm getting to spend time alone with Rachel, I know we've had so much opportunity to do it but we've just never taken them. It's gonna be hard for me I know this already but at the same time it should hopefully be a little less painful, knowing she knows now, I don't have to hold back what I say, or how I look at her, how I talk to her. On the other hand it could be a whole lot harder, I mean it's gonna be awkward still.
I'm still a little ashamed of my actions last night, having to touch myself while thinking of her isn't exactly what I dream of doing before I fall asleep. I'd rather have her there with me, I want to lay next to her, hold her, show her she can have everything she wants in life, with or without Finn, I could give her that, I could give her everything, I would give her everything, cause for me as long as she's smiling that's all that matters, I can't stand it when she's sad, it makes me sad, that's why I did all those things in glee club. Getting Sue to give up some room in the year book so she could have her photo she so desperately wanted. Getting the Troubletones to come back to the club so we could go to regionals and eventually nationals as one, I didn't do that for myself, I did it cause it's what she wanted, Finn wouldn't have given something like that a second thought, he doesn't deserve her. She deserves better.
1 hour later- McKinley hallway
Rachel's POV
I start to look for Quinn when everyone begins to arrive at school, I've been here for several hours myself of course practicing my vocal runs, but I know Quinn doesn't turn up till she actually has to. I don't find her right away and it leaves me thinking she's possibly avoiding me. After telling me she loved me she's seemed strong but maybe that's just a front, I'm usually so good at reading people but there's something about Quinn that must makes it hard. Finn is an open book most of the time, I'm used to that, I can tell when Kurt isn't himself, it's so obvious, Mercedes never hides herself she's always so upfront, I can even figure Santana out most of the time, but Quinn, she hides so well, she makes it so hard for anyone to know what she's thinking. She covers herself with that head bitch persona but I know that's not her, it's far from her, inside I know she can be sweet and kind and caring. She was the only one who came to see me after my suspension, even my own boyfriend didn't do that. Then she proceeded on discussing her future plans of college and Yale with me, before she'd told anyone else, she must trust me. That's the side of Quinn I like to see, not the Quinn that calls people names and sets up cunning plans to benefit only herself, not caring who she harms in the process. It's a shame most people only know the latter.
I begin to walk to Quinn's locker, hoping she'd be there preparing her books for first period. There she is right on cue. I compose myself thinking of what to say, not wanting to make her uncomfortable, I take a deep breath and walk up to her. I wait for several seconds behind her but she doesn't notice me or doesn't want to. I clear my throat but again she doesn't hear. So I end up tapping her on the shoulder, and waiting till she turned around. She must have thought I was someone else cause she spun round almost excitedly but then it was obvious her face dropped upon seeing me, I don't think she was disappointed, just…she's become more wary around me, I wish she would relaxed like she used to be.
"Morning Quinn" I say with confidence "Did you have a good night last night?" I question in general trying to make this awkward barrier disappear, I'm not sure it's working.
"It was uneventful" she replies quietly and I could swear she was blushing, but I don't pressure her for more on the subject.
"I would just like to get a conformation that we are indeed still hanging out later" it seems odd to me to ask, and to even picture me and Quinn Fabray actually hanging out, considering we were rivals not that long ago, or at least that's what I was made to think.
She looks uncertain and begins to stare at the floor, I start to think she's going to cancel our plan to get together and my heart begins sink but it's not long till it perks right back up when she replies "Um sure, I guess that's still ok" her voice matching her look of uncertainty, but I put it down to her just being a little embarrassed when currently around me.
"Ok then I'll come around yours just after school if that's ok?" I don't want to push her into accepting my idea so I make sure to use a gentle tone
"Uh give me about an hour, just to change and that" she says and I can tell that's not the only thing she wants to do, she probably wants to prepare her home, thinking I would scrutinize it if I were to enter it.
I nod and accept what she has to do "Ok then, I'll see you then" I send her a careful smile and she returns one, I wonder if its sincere or if she's just trying to maintain her image, but I don't question her I just turn and walk back down the corridor satisfied with the amount I got out of her.
After school- Quinn's house
Quinn's POV
I'm kind of nervous about having Rachel Berry in my house, in my room. Part of me wants to scream in excitement of finally getting this, but another part of me wants to puke my guts up cause I have no idea what's gonna happen, what did she mean when she said hang out? I guess I'm about to find out in just under an hours' time. My heart is actually thumping in my chest right now and I'm starting to realize all these rom-com clichés may actually be true. Other parts of me are pulsing too but I'm desperate to ignore them and so far I'm succeeding, I'm trying not to think about that too much.
I look around my bedroom searching for anything I don't want her to see, I lay down all the pictures of me in my Cheerios uniform I don't really know why but I guess I just don't want to seem like that girl anymore, not to her anyway. Then I duck down near my bed making sure all my secret stuff is pushed well under it, I can't risk Rachel finding out I sometimes use a playboy over thoughts of her. Well I don't want her to know I think about her in that way either but she probably has some idea already.
I quickly have some food as I haven't eaten all day then I change into some more casual clothes, some sweatpants and a hoodie to be exact. I haven't seen Rachel since this morning as the only classes we had together was ones in which we sit far apart and it was obvious both of us were a little uncomfortable about talking and looking at each other too much, and glee wasn't on today so that was easy enough.
It was getting close to the time we agreed on and knowing Rachel she'd be at least ten minutes early so I headed back downstairs. When I got to the bottom I heard a knock, I let Rachel in and she was slightly hesitance to enter even though it wasn't her first time here, I assured her with a nod of my head and she walked in.
"You have a really lovely home Quinn" she says glancing around at what's currently in sight.
"Thanks, you have been here before though" I inform her almost cracking a laugh but not quite
She turned around to look back at me with seriousness in her eyes "I know but I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind to notice such fine interior. Plus it was dark" she smiles but all I can think of is, even nervous she's still the same old Berry.
"So do you want anything to drink or…?" I ask not really knowing what else to say, its already becoming more awkward
"Uh no thanks I'm good, is your mother home?" I wonder why she asks this but shake my head and tell her she's out at her weekly book club meeting. "Sounds interesting" she comments and I know it's time to push this, or we'll be here all day discussing home furnishing and my mother which aren't really two subjects I have a skill for talking about, nor the interest.
"So what do you wanna do, we could play video games or watch some TV" I suggest hoping she doesn't actually pick the latter which will result in us sat next to each other and having no choice but to be silence and awkward, least if we play games I can assure to keep my mind on the screen and keep my hands busy at all times. I know both ideas are pretty lame but it's hard to suggest things to do to with a girl who you confessed your love to and she postponed her wedding just to figure out how she feels about you.
She looks up at me with timid eyes "Actually I was hoping we could just talk"
"Ok if that's what you want, we can go to my room" I gesture up the stairs with a nod of my head and she nods back accepting the location, so I led her up the staircase and towards my bedroom.
We enter and she again looks around, I shut the door behind us, only to notice she is lifting up one of the pictures I laid down, when I turn back around. She spends a couple of seconds studying it, me in my Cheerios uniform, before she lets it rest back in the downwards position. I can tell she wants to but I'm glad she doesn't ask about it.
I make my way over to my bed and hop onto it before gesturing to her to come sit next to me, I'm slide backwards so my back is against the headboard leaving the entire foot half of the bed for her. She takes off her jacket and places it on the bed before sitting down in the empty space. She eyes the bed and toys with my blanket before sighing and Locking eyes with me, I don't notice right away cause I'm too busy watching her fingers play with the material, fantasying about how gentle she is with those fingers and how soft her skin would be to touch. Its only when her hand stops moving and rests in her lap I realize she is actually looking at me.
I can tell she's thinking of asking me something but she seems nervous so I decide to start the conversation instead "So what did you want to talk about?" I give her a smile to let her know I'm ok if she wants to ask me what I think she wants to ask me.
"Just about us…and feelings I guess" I've never really heard her speak so nervously, it's kind of nice to see this vulnerable unsure side to Rachel when I'm so used to confident and sure of herself Rachel. "I want you to know that I've got a lot of feelings right now" she looks back down at the bed as she start to fidget ever so slightly. "Feelings I think that are for you" I was shocked, I knew she must have some sort of debate going on in her head or she wouldn't have put off marrying Finn but to actually hear her say she thinks she feels something for me is a whole new experience.
"Ok, what type of feelings?" I push her for more, but I don't want to scare her away
"I'm not sure just yet exactly but I'd be lying if I said I didn't care for you very, very strongly. But I've never felt that way about a girl before, but there's just something about you Quinn, something that makes it hard for me to just turn the other way and pretend I don't feel this way. Your beautiful and caring, well most of the time" she jokes and we both laugh cause let's face it I can be McKinley's biggest bitch. "It seems whenever I try to just picture me and Finn, I can always see you there too, like you're the obstacle that is stopping us" I feel hurt at the word 'obstacle' but I do get her meaning, I felt the same when me and Finn were dating and she would be constantly in the way of our relationship, even if I knew I didn't really like Finn in that way, it still bothered me, but that could have been cause I liked her instead.
"Rachel I don't want to get in your way, if you want to be with Finn I won't stop you. I know love doesn't always work out the way we want it to, I've had a lot of time to accept that for myself" even though I speak with strength, on the inside I'm braking down
"Quinn please let me finish, that's not what I was going to say. What I mean is you seem like the obstacle when I'm picturing me and Finn but when I picture me and you, there are no obstacles, no one is stopping us" my heart jumps at the fact she admitted to picturing us together, and I have to hold back the obvious smile appearing on my lips "But I don't want to hurt Finn, I still think I love him but I don't know anymore, it's all so confusing" she stutters several times when trying to get her thoughts across "I just wish it was easy to figure out what I feel for you, it's just so new and different to anything I've ever felt"
"I don't really know what to say Rachel but I'm willing to wait for you to figure it out" she locks eyes with me again, I can see her deep with thought I don't know at the time but later find out I almost repeated the words Finn told her just a couple of days before. The scene is almost the same, but I won't be storming off angry I hope
"You don't have to say anything Quinn this is all down to me, they're my feelings" she smiles again as if to reassure me but it's clear she's only trying to reassure herself
"Rachel?" I say softly "Do you wish I hadn't have said it? I mean if I had just kept quiet you wouldn't have all these new feelings to figure out and you could marry Finn never knowing" I put as much honesty in my voice as I can muster. I need her to know I will be regretful if she wants me to be "I ruined everything for you"
"Don't say that" she scoots closer and takes hold of my hands holding them in her own lap "I'd hate to of never have known, I'm glad you told me. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to of kept these feelings locked away inside you for so long. I'm sorry that you ever had to go through that I should have been a better friend and saw you when you needed seeing" I feel like crying just from the way she speaks and the way her fingertips glide over the back of my hands comforting me, I can't believe she's really blaming herself for not seeing I was hurting, it was not down to her, it was never down to her, it was me who had to face my feelings.
"Rachel it's not your fault, it's no one's fault really, I mean like I didn't want you to ever know" my voice almost braking
"So what changed?"
"You said yes" I still believe that if Finn never asked her to marry him I would have never told her my true feelings, making me believe the proposal could have actually been a semi good thing "It just got too hard"
She nods clearly understanding my reasons and she squeezes my hands slightly as she lock eyes once more. "I'm glad it got too hard cause now I know" she says softly and I swear she's leaning in, is she really doing what I think she's trying to do. She's trying to kiss me. The one thing I've always wanted to do is about to happen, her lips drawing closer to mind, my heart is racing and my palms are sweating and I know I should be leaning in too but I can't make myself do it, it can't happen like this. I feel her lower lips brush against mine and it pulls me back into reality, my head now spinning as I pull away abruptly from her. "What's wrong?" she asks like she's done something wrong. She didn't do anything wrong it just feels wrong right now. I want it to feel right. Need it to feel right if it's gonna happen at all, especially the first time.
"Nothing's wrong Rachel, it's not you" I say not wanting to make her feel rejected, but I suppose it comes with the territory when someone pulls back when you try to kiss them. "It just doesn't feel right"
"What do you mean, doesn't feel right?" when she asks it makes my realize I actually don't know the answer either
"We shouldn't be doing this, I mean what about Finn? I don't want you becoming a cheater because of me, and this" I gesture between us
She looks at me thinking of a reply because even she doesn't know what her relationship status is "I don't even know what's going on with me and Finn at the moment, we're sort of taking a brake while I figure out what I want and what I feel"
"Rachel I don't want to have you like this, not if it's only a onetime thing, I'm not sure I'd be able to take it so I can't let myself fall even more in love with you"
"What if it's something I want too, if I wanted you?" she squeezes my hands again and I swear I see tears in her eyes too.
"Do you, want me Rachel? Cause I can't be your break from Finn or your experiment or any of that, so do you want me?"
"I think I could do" she didn't seem sure and that's what makes my first tear escape and run down my cheek. She lifts her hand and wipes it away with her thumb "But it seems that you might not"
"No that's not it, I want to kiss you, I mean Jesus Rachel I've wanted nothing more for so long now than to just lean in and kiss you, but it just can't happen like this, it needs to be right" I explain
"What will make it right?" she asks her voice so soft now
"I don't know yet" cause honestly I didn't
The room fell silent for several seconds but it felt like hours to me, she pulled her hands away from me and wiped at her own tears before grabbing her jacket and standing from my bed. "I should go"
"No Rachel please you don't need to leave" I stand up too hoping to change her mind
"It's ok Quinn we clearly need more time on this, it was stupid of me to try and kiss you like this, I mean I don't know what I want, whether I'm still in love with Finn or how I feel about you, it's all just too much right now and I didn't think" more tears rolling off her face as she tries to keep from catching my eyes
"It wasn't stupid, Rachel please don't go" I step closer to her and start debating in my head weather I should hug her or not.
I don't get much of a chance before she's placing a hand on my chest and looking up at me "I'll see you tomorrow at school" she turns and walks out of my room and I hear her running down the stairs till she leaves my house, I'm too overwhelmed to even move, overwhelmed by thoughts and more feelings. I can't think of what to do.
I flop back onto my bed half regretting and cursing myself for not letting Rachel kiss me, I can only imagine what would have happened, we could have at least figured some of our feelings out with a kiss, see if it felt right but on the other hand I'm glad I didn't take it that far, I wouldn't be able to control myself if it had gotten too far, and I wasn't about to force Rachel into doing anything she wasn't ready for, I know she's had sex with Finn before but she's never been with a girl and I wasn't about to let it get even more awkward between us.
That need I had before Rachel came over slowly returning between my legs as I lay here on my bed just picturing me and her together, making love, something Finn can only dream of performing properly at for her, I bet he doesn't even take the time to pleasure her, to tell her he loves her after and to tell her she's beautiful during. Like he could even last long enough to say a whole sentence to her. I don't feel as guilty this time as reach under my bed and feel for one of my magazines, I don't care which one I just need something to help me.
I bring up the first magazine I manage to grab hold of and drop it on the bed next to me as I shift down laying on my back. I open the magazine to a random page as my hand slips straight down into my sweatpants and past my underwear waistband. I immediately feel the arousal that's pooled there over the last couple of hours and mostly in the last 30 minutes. I run my fingers through my lower lips covering them in the pre-come. The page I'm on in the magazine has a naked brunette with large naked breast and a very thin thong on, it's not usually the type of thing I go for, I'm not like Puck who would be in heaven with the image but right now I'd take anything, and it hasn't slipped my mind that she looks rather like Rachel, in the face area of course, Rachel isn't quite as developed as this woman but that's one of the many things I like about her. I mean she could be like Santana or Brittany and have that sexy quality that always draws in the boys (even though both girls are far from interested in them) but Rachel has her own way and I like that about her cause she's comfortable in the way she looks and I most certainly wouldn't change her or the way she dresses. Not like Finn attempted to do several times.
I rub at myself getting faster now and using more pressure as I casually flick through the magazine, growing wetter and wetter at the images. I'm pretty close already due to the fact I've been desperate since Rachel came over so I slow my finger movements and begin to circle my clit, moaning slightly in the pleasure I'm giving myself, it feels so good and I'm not gonna last much longer. When I get to another image (a blond this time) I arch off the bed and come with a bite to my bottom lip, and a groan in my throat. My body relaxes after a few seconds and I find myself smiling. I guess I'm happy, happy with the fact Rachel and me almost kissed, happy that I didn't feel as dirty wanking to images of random girls and thoughts of me and Rachel making love, just happy I could relieve the pressure that had built between my legs.
I relax my body and my hand exits from my pants, fingers wet with my release, I bring them to my mouth and lick off the remnants of come. Once they're clean I shut the magazine up and throw it back under my bed ready for the next time its assistance is required. I rest my used hand on my hoddie covered stomach while I go back to thinking of how close her lips were to mine. So close yet so far it would seem.
I reach over and grab my phone from the side of my bed, when I find Rachel's number I press call. It takes a few rings before I realize she's not gonna answer, I just need to tell her I'm sorry, maybe she knows but what if she doesn't? I know I'll have to talk to her at school tomorrow.
A/N: I don't know if people are enjoying reading this story but I'm enjoying writing it so gonna keep it up for now, let me know if you guys are actually liking it
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