Whatever's On Her Mind

by SoBrittanaProudlySo

Quinn tells Rachel she is in love with her in the Bridal shop, and Rachel begins to think about her own feelings for the girl. Rachel has Finn and she thought that was all she ever needed, but now she has all these new feelings for Quinn she needs to sort out.

5. Chapter 5: It's A Relief

TITLE: Whatever's On Her Mind Chapter 5

PAIRINGS

Faberry (Quinn/Rachel)

RATING: M

SYNOPSIS: What could have happened if Quinn just told Rachel the truth in the bridal shop, if she just confessed her long denied feelings? How will Rachel react? How will they come back from the revelation?

A/N: First I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter saying you were actually enjoying this story, it's so great to hear, and secondly I hope I didn't let you down with this chapter, let me know.

I take suggestions for fanfics on here and tumblr; see my profile for details, and to submit

Rachel's POV

I was a little embarrassed to say the least, I had asked Quinn to hang out, and I end up basically telling her I had new found feelings for her and then I go and try to kiss her. I have never hated myself for being more cliché, but the worse thing is she didn't even want to kiss me back. Well she said she did, but I have no idea if she meant it or if she was just trying to make me feel better.

There's a bit of me that says it's too late to have Quinn in that way…if I wanted her like that of course, I'm not sure just yet. Maybe I kept her waiting too long and she just doesn't want me anymore. But then there's a bigger part of me that scream of course she wanted to kiss me, she told me she was in love with me. But neither one of us are sure of anything right now.

There's me who's trying to figure out if I'm even into Quinn in a romantic sort of way, I've got Finn and I've sort of got her and it's just hard to figure out which one I want and which one is the one I actually have those feelings for.

Then there's Quinn she has no idea if she's even gay or not, from experience I'd say she is but I can't answer that for her, only she can answer that for herself, both of us are so confused with these emotions and feelings that I personally have never had before, or at least never thought I had

I go to school knowing it's going to be even more awkward than the day before, if that was even possible

Quinn's POV

I don't want Rachel to feel like I turned her down because I didn't want her anymore. I'm still confused by all this stuff going through my head, and it's just so hard for me. So I'm sure it must be hard for her too considering she confessed she had some sort of feelings for me but she wasn't quite sure what they are yet, I can help her figure them out but I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want to do. It wouldn't be right to be with Rachel if she didn't really feel the way I feel.

I'm starting to realize I'm most likely gay, I've never really been sexually attracted to boys, all the girls at school idolize Puck and Finn and Sam like they're gods, but me I just don't get it. But when I look at Rachel I just can't help but stare, my breath is taken away along with my speech, even if I don't want it to be. Her body, her face, her voice, her touch, it's all too much for me. It could just be her that gets me like this, but then I look at Santana or Brittany or any other cheerio (or female for that matter) at school and that's when I get it; I finally understand what it's like. What all those girls see in the boys I see it in the girls. And you know what; it doesn't really scare me as much anymore. I'm not abut to dance down the hall singing it out loud and I'm definitely not anywhere near close to telling my own mother. But I think I could be ready to tell Rachel.

"Rachel!" I call to her when I finally see her walking down the hallway at school, I have to run to catch up to her, I'm pretty sure she pretended not to hear me so I shout her name again. This time she takes the time to stop and actually turn around to see me running towards her

"Hi Quinn" she says shyly and its obvious she is embarrassed about our encounter the night before, especially because she avoids looking at me. "What can I do for you?" her eyes clearly darting around the corridor looking for a pace to escape

"I wanted to apologize about last night" I say but I don't have time to continue before I'm being yanked into the empty choir room nearby by my hand

"Please Quinn can we not talk about this here, I don't want anyone to hear, what if Finn found out?" she frantically tried to explain and finally her eyes lock with mine

"Sorry, I just really wanted to say sorry about what happened between us" I say again cause I need her to know

"It's ok really there's no need to apologize about it, you did nothing wrong, it was me who should be apologizing for jumping you like that." she looked around again, I presume she was checking we were still alone.

"You didn't jump me Rach, you just got caught up in the moment. We've all done it" I laugh a little

"Well when did you do it?" Rachel asked inquisitively

I looked down at the floor not sure if I should tell her the truth or not "When I told you I loved you" I spoke softly, so softly I was actually worried she didn't hear me. I looked back up at her and she's staring at me very uncertain.

"What you mean if we wouldn't have gotten into that fight in the bridal shop you never would have told me at all?" Rachel asked almost like she didn't want an answer, not a truthful one anyway, but that's what I was gonna give her.

"I don't know, honestly…no I probably wouldn't have told you but I…who knows Rach, I mean it got too tough to not tell you so I may have" I tried to explain but I didn't really know where I was going. "Does it really matter Rachel, I mean you said you'd rather know and you do, so can't we just accept that and forget the rest, leave history behind and all that?"

She nods obviously accepting my wish "Course we can Quinn, I don't want to keep dwelling on the past either, I want us to move forward but I just don't know what we are that's the problem. I mean I tried to kiss you last night and you just froze and stopped me, why?" she sounded sad again, I don't like it when she sounds like this.

"I know I did but it had nothing to do with not wanting to kiss you, when I said I wanted to more than anything I really meant that. I mean I wouldn't tell you I loved you then a few days later reject kissing you"

"Then why did you?" she really just wanted an answer and I couldn't blame her, it must have been frustrating for her.

"I just didn't want you to do anything you weren't ready for, I don't think it's right for us to just jump right in when neither one of us is 100% sure of what we want yet" she seemed to understand me and nodded in agreement.

"Ok so what do we do then? How do we get to that point? How am I supposed to understand these feelings when you won't let me try?" Rachel took a few steps away from me.

I took a few steps closer but I didn't even realize at the time I was doing it. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about" I say slightly more light heartedly. She looked up at me again, a small smile gracing her lips, as she stared intently at me. "I think we should hang out"

Her brows furrow and I start to worry she's gonna reject my offer "Didn't we try that yesterday?" she asks clearly rather confused

"No I mean, go out, like somewhere that isn't one of our houses"

"Like a date?" her smile comes back and its much bigger than the one before

"Sort of, maybe more of a pre-date, just so we can get to know each other properly" I suggest

"That sounds like a great idea" I'm relieved she agrees and she goes on "What did you have in mind?"

"I thought we could go to the Lima Bean, get some coffee and just talk and that" I seem wary again, what if she doesn't like my idea? But she simply nods again and agrees it's a good place to go, we shouldn't see anyone there that we know but if we happen to run into Kurt or Blaine who pretty much seem to live there most of the time, we can make it look like were just hanging out as friends. "Do you want me to pick you up or meet you there?" I ask

"Well it's not a date it's a pre-date, so ill guess I'll meet you there, how's 5 o'clock sound?" Her smile now won't stop growing with each passing second

"Sounds perfect" I'm a little too mesmerized by that damn mouth but I'm pretty sure I nodded and before I knew it she was gone, out the room and off to class.

Later that day I turn up for the first time for glee club, it's a little uncomfortable and I get a few stares, not because they know but because I have avoided everyone recently. I sit next to Brittany and Santana like I would normally do. They both give me welcoming smiles and I accept them and hand them a warm one of my own. Me and Rachel deliberately avoid any form of contact, I smiled at her when I first walked in which she returned but other than that we didn't speak, we didn't look at each other, we didn't risk anything. I saw Finn sat on the other side, next to Puck, keeping well away from Rachel it would appear. He looked sad but it didn't make me feel bad anymore. I've done enough feeling bad and it was now time I felt good for once.

Rachel's POV

After glee I head straight to my car. I don't want to risk having to talk to anyone especially Finn. I've heard all the rumours and whispers that have been going on throughout the school, everything from Finn discovering I am really a man to me having a lesbian affair. Well some rumours can be pretty close to the truth sometimes. But technically me and Quinn are not doing anything yet and I'm still not sure if I want to. I don't exactly have much experience in this sector but I know I feel something for Quinn that I don't feel for Finn and this 'pre-date' as Quinn so adorably labelled it is the perfect opportunity to perhaps figure some more stuff out. True our first get together wasn't really all that successful but as long as I don't jump Quinn tonight then we should have a good time.

When I get home I'm pretty shattered, but nothing will stop me from going on my pre-date. I go straight up to my room and spend a good twenty minutes trying to pick something out to wear tonight. Its coffee so I know I'll pick something casual, I just want something with a little shape and cleavage to show off to…oh my god, I've just realized I've never really dressed to impress as they say. I usually just pick out whatever looks good and throw it on, I've never been too fashion conscious. But here I am looking for a top that shall show Quinn my assets; I never did that for Finn. Not even after we started having sex. I wonder briefly if it is just my intention to turn Quinn on tonight, but then I rethink that, it's a pre-date not a real date, I don't want to scare Quinn off by being too over the top. So I pick out a nice pair of jeans and a shirt that hugs me just right without being too much, though I do still make sure it has a little something, something for Quinn's benefit of course.

When it's time to leave I dress quickly and stare at myself in the mirror, I'm nervous and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I mean I feel like Carrie before prom. I know it's good to be nervous before a date, date but what about a pre-date, if there even is such a thing. I have no idea but I can't do anything about it now, I have to show up, I can't stand Quinn up. So I take a deep breath and say to myself "You can do this Rachel berry" it's still funny cause I'd been on lots of dates with Finn, and I never really felt nervous with him as much as I do with Quinn. It's like we fitted together easily, maybe too easily, like we were family or something. With Quinn she makes me feel like there's more there, like I can have more, have it all, and I like the way it makes me feel, the way she makes me feel.

5pm The Lima Bean

Quinn's POV

I don't think I've ever been this nervous before, I'm worried it's all gonna go wrong again. But we're friends first so we should be alright, it's like we're just hanging out, just with a little extra if both of us decide on it.

I get to the Lima Bean first and take a seat, I don't know date protocol or pre-date protocol for that matter, but I'm pretty sure you don't order what you want till both of the percipients have arrive, so I take a seat and look at the coffee menu pretending as hard as I can to not look like a lonely loser and also semi pretending I know what half the stuff is on this menu. It's only a few minutes till Rachel walks in looking stunning, as usual. I wave her over and she comes to join me, turning me into a not so lonely loser.

"You look really good Rach" I say, mentally slapping myself across the face for sounding so lame.

"Oh this old stuff" I'm pretty sure she just blushed a little but its best I don't mention it, "You look really good too" I look down at myself cause honestly I don't, I'm wearing a shirt that has a few rips on it, and I'm almost certain that they aren't part of the design and my jeans are worn and a little torn too. I realized two things, one I just rhymed without meaning too and it kinda makes me chuckle to myself slightly, and two I wonder why I didn't dress up a little more, I didn't really have an answer but I guess there's nothing I can do about it now, we're here so might as well just get on with our pre-date.

"No I mean it Rachel you look really amazing, you always do" she blushes even more now and it makes me smile seeing her almost speechless

She locks eyes with me and I swear she could melt me with those chocolate brown pools, it's like they're inviting you in, all the way in and I honestly wouldn't mind being inside Rachel from any way you look at it right now. "Your too kind Quinn, but thank you" she smiles at me and I smile back before I remember I was trying to order.

"What do you want?" I ask her and she takes the other menu at the table and begins to scan it.

"Um ill have a Cappuccino" she smiled at me again "What about you?"

"Think I'm gonna get an Espresso, think I'm gonna need a lot of caffeine" I laugh and I'm glad she laughs with me cause thinking about it that could have been taken the wrong way and she could have thought I was meaning it in a negative kinda way "I'll be right back" I tell her as I stand up from our table and walk up to the counter to make our orders.

A few minutes later I receive our drinks and once fully prepared I head back over to Rachel who is sat patiently. "Here you go Rach, one Cappuccino" I place the drink down in front of her and sit myself back down opposite her.

We both enjoy the warming sensation of the coffee cups on our skin. "Thank you Quinn" she says to me.

I shake my head "No problem Rach"

We casually sip our caffeine drinks as the conversation appears to come to a standstill, not that we've had much to say yet anyway. "So this is nice" Rachel awkwardly says looking around the café like we've never been in it before.

"Yeah it is" I agree

"Its definitely better than the disaster of last night" she laughs to herself. I suppose it's a good thing she is able to laugh at it.

"Rachel last night wasn't bad, it was just a little rushed, but I promise you it wasn't bad" I place my hand on hers for reassurance and we both can feel the others warmth left by the steaming liquid in the paper cups.

"If you say so but I still feel so embarrassed over it" she shakes her head and looks at our joint hands

"You don't need to be embarrassed, like I said it was all in the moment, if I was in your place then I probably would have done the same thing" I give her a half smile but she doesn't buy it.

"Your very sweet Quinn but you're a terrible liar" she giggles and our hands part mutually. There's several more seconds of less awkward silence that we spend just smiling and looking at each other until Rachel breaks it by saying "Quinn can I ask you something?"

"Sure" She gazes deep in my eyes and it doesn't take a genius to work out she's a little scared of asking, or maybe of hearing the answer. I assure her its ok with a nod "Go ahead ask me anything"

"What is it about me?" I kinda know what she's referring to but I don't want to sound stupid if I'm wrong so I wait for her to expand on her question "You know about me? What is it you like about me?"

What is it I don't like about her, I love everything about her, the way she looks, sings, dances. The way she always stands her ground, and is so optimistic even when the odds are against her like when we go to one of our singing competitions but I don't want to totally scare her off so I stick to- "I just love the way you are, you're the most confident person I know even when the whole school puts you down, or throws a Slushie in your face, you still smile, and when you smile, I smile" I'm smiling right now and it looks so cliché "I know it sounds lame but…"

"No not at all, I think its sweet"

"Your everything I wish I could be but I just can't be, like you remember last year when we went to regionals and had to write original songs" she nods remembering very well, not like she could ever forget anyway "Well all the odds were stacked against us and I thought for sure we couldn't do it. And even though you were hurting, heartbroken by me and Finn getting back together, you used all that emotion and you put it to good use, you wrote that song about the way you were feeling and you won us regionals that year, your amazing, and till this day 'Get It Right' is still one of my favourite songs"

"Really?" she asked clearly rather surprised by my confession, in fact probably more surprised by that than when I expressed my love to her in words only a few days ago

"Yeah really, its things like that that make you so amazing beyond words, I could spend hours, days even, telling you everything I like about you, your passion, your optimism, your talent, your sexiness, your adorableness, the way you don't let anyone put you down, you don't let anything stop you, you just go for it, I love all that about you, and I could never be like that, never be like you" our eyes are locked and it feels like it should be awkward again right now but it's far from it, I feel like we're bonding, getting closer than ever, but then she blinks and brakes me from my own little world I was just in where only me, Rachel and love ever exists.

"Quinn I know we're friends now and everything, and I know all of our disagreements and arguments and competing is all history, and we both agreed to look to the future and forget everything that happened in the past, but I just have to know one more thing" she plays with her cup even more nervously than with the last question. "Why did you spend so long, hating me, and calling me names, and drawing pictures of me naked in the girls room, I mean I forgive you for it all cause I know you've changed and it's not who you are anymore but I just need to know why? Why so long?"

Her question takes me by surprise, but she has a right to ask, more than a right, I was a total bitch to her and there is no way I could ever deny that, I wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to speak to me again, that's what I deserve, and its times like this that make me realize she would be better off with Finn. True he's not exactly the most competent man around but compared to what I was like he could treat her so much better. But that's just one of the reasons I needed to change, I knew there was no way Rachel would ever consider being my friend, let alone anything else, if I continued to be the bitch cheerleader Quinn that I used to be so proud of being, so I softened up and made it my mission to show Rachel I wasn't her anymore and that I could be her friend.

"I was just scared Rachel, I was so fucking scared. Scared of my feelings scared of changing, I called you those names cause in some weird way inside my head I figured it would make me feel better, I mean I couldn't be in love with someone I didn't like right, or so I figured. But it didn't work, it just got worse all the time, each and every god damn day, every second. And I know it's no excuse for being a total jerk to you for so long but I really am sorry Rachel, I have always felt so bad about the things I did and said to you. But I just couldn't do anything to stop myself" I was close to crying but there was no way I was about to shed a tear in such a public place so I toughened up like I'd gotten so used to doing.

"Quinn I appreciate your apology and I do accept it, but there's no need for it, like we said it's all history and I want to move on now, I wanted an answer because I figured you owed me that but I understand your reasoning and now we can just never mention it again and just continue being friends" she smiles at me "And Quinn, I know for a fact you could be like me if you really wanted" her belief in me makes me smile, and I know I look like a dork right now but I can't help it when the smile keeps on growing.

I feel it is a good time to open even more, after all we seem to be on a roll so why stop now "Rachel, I need to tell you something" I state seriously, both of our eyes locking once again. she nods impatiently for me to continue. At first it's like my mouth won't move for me, it just stays still and stiff, as I try to find the right words in my head

"Quinn its ok, you can trust me you know" she declares

"I know, it's just this is hard to say, I just don't want to rush it" I compose myself and organize my thoughts before my mouth opens to continue "You asked me a few days ago if I was…if I was g…gay" I stutter, I may be able to say it in my head just about but saying the word out loud is a whole new experience and it's so much harder for me

Rachel nods sensing my discomfort, she takes my hand again and I appreciate the kind gesture and it spurs me on "Keep going Quinn" she encourages

"Well I lied and told you I wasn't sure, but to be honest I think I've always know that I am, I have always been afraid of my sexuality because I guess I don't see it as something that's easy to deal with, I mean my dad won't talk to me since I got pregnant and I have no idea how my mom would take this if she ever found out"

"You don't have to tell anyone until you're ready" she lowers her voice knowing I don't want anyone over hearing us "I mean remember how scared Santana was to come out, but ever since she did, her and Brittany have been like the happiest couple I think I've ever seen"

"I know, but it's different for me, Santana has both parents who love her unconditionally, me I don't have that"

"Well her grandmother took it pretty badly, she still dealt with it well, I mean sure it sucked and Santana was really heartbroken by the fact but she's strong and she came back fighting, and she still is, fighting for her love and I know you can do the same cause your strong just like her"

"Thanks but, it's still different, she still has family, she still has her mother and father, a home it's all there for her, if I lose my mother I lose everyone, everything, I'll have no one left" I feel that tear again threatening to escape but I fight it

"Quinn you'll still have me, and you will always have a family in the glee club" her hold on my hand grows tight; her thumb brushes over my sensitive skin, making me relax a little more.

"Thanks Rachel. I just wanted you to be first to know, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, and I can admit that to you and me, but no one else yet, I'm not ready to tell anyone, please you have to promise me you won't tell anyone else" I beg her with desperation trying my best to keep my voice as quiet as possible

She smiles "Quinn of course I'm not going to tell anyone, it's not my secret to tell, you can tell people when you're ready, there's no rush"

"Thank you, really you have no idea how much of a relief it is to just be able to tell someone, that's two giant secrets I've told you now and its only been a few days" I laugh needing to desperately lighten the mood, and she laughs too, that cute Rachel Berry smile that always makes me believe it will all be ok.

I'm gay, it isn't that bad to say in my head, I'm gay, I'm lesbian, or as Santana would say Lebanese, I like girls, it's such a relief just to finally admit it, not that there was much doubt on sight of my porn collection, but that's one thing Rachel doesn't need to know right now or maybe ever.

I'm far too lost in Rachel's eyes yet again and that far too comforting rub of the hand she is currently performing on my skin to see what's going on around me, it's only when Rachel speaks next I come back down to reality.

"Hey speaking of Santana and Brittany, isn't that them over there?" Rachel's asks nodding over to the counter. I follow her line of sight and see the couple standing hand in hand next to each other receiving their drink order. Its Brittany that sees us first, she taps her girlfriend on the shoulder and says something to her while pointing in our direction. Then Santana looks up over at us. She smiles at us while Britt gives a wave and me and Rachel smile and wave back

The two girls make their way over to us and its only when they begin to get close I realize Rachel is still holding my hand, I quickly pull away hopefully before Santana and Brittany have enough time to see the touching.

I don't see it but I sense Rachel's slightly disappointed look upon me doing so, but I also know she understands we can't risk anyone finding out anything yet, it wouldn't be right and as we aren't actually anything more than friends at this point, there's no reason to risk our friends finding out about my sexuality.

"Hey guys" Santana greets as she comes up at our table

"Hello Santana, Brittany" Rachel replies on behalf of us both I'm still a little shocked they are actually here to speak for myself

"What are you guys doing here?" Britt asks us

Rachel jumps in again "Just hanging out, talking about glee club that's all" she tries to sound as convincing as possible and she's so good at it she almost makes me believe it too

"Ew boring" Santana says quickly before taking a sip of her coffee.

"And you guys?" Rachel politely returns the question

"Britt wanted some Lima Bean coffee and you know what Britt Britt wants…"

"…Britt Britt gets" me and Rachel reply together and it would seem my mouth has started moving again and I see Britt smile happily next to Santana as she leans in ad kisses the Latinas cheek

"So hanging out hey?" Santana brings her cup away from her lips and questions us with a raised eyebrow, I'd like to pretend that she hadn't seen us holding hands just now, but I know she's not stupid, I can tell she knows there's more going on, but I'm not about to tell her and I doubt she will bring it up first in a public location such as this

"Yep just talking, hanging out, that's what friends do" I speak fast, a little too fast to sound believable but I cover it by picking up my own coffee and taking a large gulp.

"Well we best head home" Santana says trying her best not to laugh at the fact I'm practically choking on my Espresso

"Yeah I promised Santana I'd repay her by giving her head for a whole hour" Britt added

"They don't need to know that babe" Santana smiled at her girlfriend obviously not all that bothered that Brittany was giving us far too much information, I look over at Rachel and she looks a little out of place in the conversation but nods, happily accepting the graphic image the couple have presented us both with.

"Ok well we'll see you at school then" Rachel says

"Cool, bye Berry, Q" Santana nods at us both and Britt smiles sweetly and waves again before the girls re-join hands and start making their way out of the café

I don't realize I'm staring, not at their butts which most people would probably assume but at their hands, how they hold each other like a real couple, when it wasn't that long ago Santana wouldn't even admit to liking girls. It's amazing how quickly people can change and how their life can change, this is what gives me hope I could one day be as happy as they are right now. I smile at the thought.

"You wanna be like them don't you?" Rachel asks and I manage to pull my eyes away from the now empty space, since the girls had both left.

"I'd love nothing more than to be as happy and as in love with someone as they are, but it's easier said than done" I chuckle a little

"Why don't you talk to her? Santana I mean. She's been through all this before, she's gotten through it, the good the bad and I feel like an even bigger cliché saying it but also the ugly, there's nothing that hasn't been thrown at her but look at her and Brittany now, they could be more in love" Rachel speaks her mind and I know she's right, and I wish I could follow her advice but, I'm just not ready yet.

"I can't right now Rachel, you said I could take my time, that I could tell people when I was ready"

"And I stick by that Quinn, all I'm saying is maybe if you told someone who knows exactly how you feel, it could be even easier to deal with. Sometimes when you want to accept yourself you need someone else to accept you first, then you won't feel so alone" Rachel tries to go for my hand again but I pull mine back. I see the hurt in her eyes and I mentally berate myself for doing such a thing. Just as I'm getting better at opening up, I don't want to start going backwards again, but it's like I can't stop, my body won't let me do what feels right, it has a control over me and that's what I need to work on.

"I told you didn't I? That's all I can manage for now, I can tell Santana when I'm ready, but right now, I just need to take it one step at a time"

Rachel nods at me, seemingly accepting my decision "Ok Quinn, whenever you're ready" she says in a different tone. I recognize the tone to be uncertainty something I don't hear often in Rachel's voice, but recently I've heard it more than I've heard her sing. I don't want to keep talking about this so I make a choice not to question her on it.

"We should probably head off too" I say after becoming a tad bit uncomfortable in myself

"Sure if you want. But what about us? I mean what do we do now?"

"Well if this is a pre-date, maybe we should try a real date next?" I suggest to her gaining a little bit of my confidence back

"I'd like that very much"

I know she's unsure even if she won't admit it, because she still has Finn and even if they're not officially still dating or engaged or whatever, it still makes me unsure too. But one thing is for sure, this pre-date was a lot more successful than whatever the hell last night was, and if it keeps getting better then why not try to keep it going.

A/N: ok this story is hard to write, it started off easy but got hard by chapter three, I have some good ideas for later chapters though. Ideas are welcome on what you guys would like to see Quinn and Rachel do on their first real date, or the next chapter could be kind of sucky, but hopefully it will get back on track soon.

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