Author's Note: Special thanks to the reviewers of last chapter: SignedSealedWritten; hxchick; Love-B .xo; savetonight; foxyfeline; crazyobsession101; canny-bairn; and littlegreenbottle. Reviews genuinely make my day, so thanks for that.
Now, I know that this story already contains a lot of angst. Be warned that it's only going to get worse. BUT, on the plus side, this is the longest story I've ever written, and even now, the angst is only part of the story.
So, I have completely re-written this particular chapter at least five times. I am not a therapist, a doctor, or really anybody trained in ANY WAY to deal with mental health issues. So, I apologize for any inaccuracies, but I tried.
Two weeks later, Emily yawned as she thumbed through the magazine she had already read nearly a million times. She smirked as she thought of how this psychiatrist's office desperately needed new reading material.
And it had only been two weeks.
But then, she reasoned, this office probably didn't have many patients that came in five times a week for an hour every time.
She stifled a yawn as she flipped through to the familiar '50 Ways to be Noticed by the Man of Your Dreams.'
"Are you okay, Emily?" The receptionist, Alice, asked with concern.
Emily smirked, thinking of how long it had been since she had really slept through the night. "It's been a long few days."
Alice nodded, familiar at least with the fact that whatever Emily's charge had been through had been incredibly traumatic. "Maybe this week will be better." Alice offered hopefully.
"Let's hope so." Emily scoffed.
"And, it can't be so bad. You come in here every day, so that has to be helping." Alice encouraged.
"Sure." Emily shrugged, well aware that therapy had not been, and probably wouldn't be, a quick fix of JJ's problems. Emily's mind wandered as she remembered the last time she thought everything might not be so bad.
Emily had been watching JJ cautiously the entire time they had been at the store. Ideally, Emily would have let JJ stay at home with someone else, or at least in the car, while she ran into the store to get some much needed food.
But she couldn't leave JJ alone.
And the rest of the team was away on a case.
And her pantries were almost completely bare.
Though, she wasn't sure why she bothered—the only thing JJ seemed to be able to eat were carrots.
JJ clung desperately to Emily's sleeves as she limped along slowly down the grocery aisles. Emily stepped slowly, determined not to rush JJ but trying everything she could to get out of the store as quickly as possible.
Seeing JJ slowly proceed up and down the aisles, Emily wondered for just a moment what she had been so afraid of.
Other than the blonde's white knuckled grip on Emily's shirtsleeve and her eyes constantly darting around as if scouting for impending danger, JJ seemed to be doing remarkably well.
She stopped as she felt a tug on her arm while JJ hesitated as they passed through the aisle with baking supplies and various sugary treats. Emily's eyes widened in surprise as JJ gingerly touched a package of dark red Jell-O before shrinking back and attempting to proceed down the aisle.
Shrugging, Emily grabbed several packages of the gelatinous dessert before resuming her slow pace. Looking over the goods in the cart, Emily nodded with satisfaction hoping she could coax the blonde to eat something other than the five bags of carrots she thought might last them through the next two weeks.
Pushing the cart to the checkout, Emily passed the checkouts with the shortest line, opting instead to find a line that would allow JJ to stand next to the items without someone accidentally brushing past her.
At this point, Emily still wasn't sure what would scare JJ and what wouldn't, but she wasn't about to let JJ freak out if there was anything she could do to help it.
"Excuse me," A woman came up from behind, touching JJ lightly on the shoulder as Emily placed the groceries on the conveyer belt. JJ shirked away from the woman's touch and looked to Emily for support. The woman, oblivious to JJ's terror continued speaking, "You look an awful lot like the FBI Agent that went missing. Are you Jennifer Jareau?"
"Hey!" The customer who pulled up behind JJ and Emily just to hear the woman's question spoke loudly for other customers to hear. "It's Jennifer Jareau! The woman on the news!"
A small crowd gathered and Emily gently grabbed JJ and pulled her close as the cashier began to scan the items. "Please folks, step back. Agent Jareau needs her privacy." She asked the growing group of onlookers politely.
JJ stepped closer to Emily for protection. Emily could see the color drain from JJ's face at the attention and thrust bills toward the cashier as the total sprang up.
The first woman pressed closer to JJ, placing her hand gently on JJ's shoulder and ignored JJ's flinching away. "I am so happy you're okay. When you went missing—they had your family on the news—I've been praying for you." The woman smiled tearfully. "I'm so glad you're okay."
Well-meaning, but oblivious, patrons continued to push in tighter towards JJ and Emily, hoping to share a word with the now trembling blonde. One customer pulled out her phone and snapped a picture. Others quickly followed suit and bright flashing lights began popping up through the crowd.
"Please." Emily raised her voice angrily as she began to push through the crowd with JJ digging her nails into Emily's arm while she pushed the loaded cart with the other hand. "Everyone take a step back." She ordered. "Agent Jareau needs her space."
At the sight of the clamoring crowd, more customers pressed tightly into the growing circle attempting to see what all of the commotion was about. At the growing crowd, the store security officers came to at least offer some assistance as Emily was able to move the crowd toward the exit.
"Step back!" Emily commanded the crowd, feeling JJ's breathing rapidly increasing. "We are federal agents." She was practically screaming now, "I'm ordering you all to step back."
"Everyone!" One of the guards barked, "Step back, let Agent Jareau through." JJ jumped at the tone of authority in his voice and clung tighter to Emily.
The crowd pressed in closer, each person trying to get a view of JJ as she pulled against her blonde hair unconsciously. "JJ, it's okay. Just breathe. We're almost to the car. It's okay." Emily soothed as she nudged the cart through the crowd.
JJ had been breathing in short quick breaths, and Emily could practically feel the other woman's heart beating rapidly through her chest. Plowing through the crowd, Emily no longer cared about the groceries in her cart and elbowed her way through to her car.
But the weary holiday shoppers—half of whom were excited to see the Agent they recognized from the news, and half of whom were clamoring for additional Christmas discounts—pressed tighter and tighter into JJ and Emily preventing any forward movement.
The guard who had spoken earlier took pity on Emily and pulled her gently. "Follow me." He grabbed the groceries and dove forcefully through the swarm of people.
With JJ clawing desperately at Emily for more security, Emily tried to push through the crowd but was pushed deeper into the sea of people.
The guard turned back, realizing that Emily and JJ were no longer behind him. Shoving the now almost air-tight wave of people out of his way, he nabbed JJ's shoulder and pulled her and Emily toward him. "I need you to follow me."
"She—" Emily had to shout over the mob of people, "She's scared, she can't—"
The guard nodded his understanding and quickly pulled JJ into his arms, easily lifting her up against his chest. "Follow me." He yelled back.
Pushing through to the outskirts of the massive mob, Emily sighed a breath of relief as she saw her silver Prius come into view.
JJ gasped in the man's arms, clutching at her throat as if her airway was almost completely blocked. "It's going to be okay JJ." Emily promised as she fished her keys out of the car. The kind guard quickly stepped around the car and once Emily unlocked the door placed JJ gently in the passenger's seat.
Emily jumped in the car, glancing over at JJ who had beads of sweat dripping down her face as she clutched at her heart and throat. "JJ, it's okay. Take deep breaths." Emily informed, throwing the car into gear and pealing out of the parking space.
Emily blinked back tears as JJ continued to gasp, bracing herself against the door of the car in a desperate attempt to regain control.
JJ quickly threw her coat off, about to take off more of her clothes before Emily quickly turned on the Air Conditioning to its highest levels. Despite the ice and obvious snow surrounding them, JJ put her face directly against the vent as she struggled frantically for air.
The tears brimmed at Emily's eyes, and she had to swipe them away to keep her vision clear.
She just didn't know what to do.
JJ's gasps for breath worsened and before Emily could do anything to help, the lights inside the car blinged on and the passenger's door flung open as JJ tripped out of the moving car.
Emily slammed on the breaks and the car slid to a screeching stop as she jumped out of the car and darted towards JJ's stumbling figure.
How could this day get any worse?
The door opened just as the clock struck the hour, snapping Emily out of her memory. Dr. Mayfield, JJ's therapist, stood at the door and quickly motioned for Emily to enter.
Emily quickly stood and followed the doctor into the room. She was only mildly surprised to see JJ on the chair closest to the door, her legs pulled up on the seat and tucked lightly under her chin as she bit her thumbnail nervously while she drew carefully on a pad of paper in front of her.
Spying Emily enter the room, JJ stiffened and sat up straighter like a child suddenly attempting to avoid chastisement.
Easily picking up on JJ's nervousness, Dr. Mayfield smiled reassuringly as she returned to her own seat, "You aren't in trouble JJ, and we just need to talk about some things that are going on, okay?"
JJ chewed on her fingernail nervously but quickly returned to the drawing in her hands.
"How often do you talk at home, JJ?" The therapist asked kindly, well aware that just like the last hour, JJ likely wouldn't respond.
Emily glanced over at JJ who was engrossed in her own activity. Emily hesitated before shaking her head reluctantly. "That time with Will-Sometimes if she gets scared, I can get her to say entire phrases, but other than that, it's not more than a word or two."
Dr. Mayfield rubbed her chin thoughtfully, "Is there anything you'd like to add JJ?" The therapist turned to her patient expectantly.
JJ continued to gnaw on her nail, ignoring Dr. Mayfield's question as she carefully shaded the contours of whatever shape she was depicting.
"Wouldn't it be easier to get her to talk in Spanish first?" Emily asked, almost pleading for the therapist's restriction on the only language JJ felt comfortable with to be lifted. While Emily had been able to use Spanish as a last resort, it killed her every time she asked JJ a question only to have JJ stare blankly in response.
"JJ, how often do you have nightmares?" Dr. Mayfield asked, completely sidestepping Emily's question. Three days ago, she had kindly but firmly let JJ know that Emily was primarily going to speak to her in English, and that she would expect JJ to respond in the same language. JJ hadn't yet responded well to the moratorium during therapy, and Dr. Mayfield could only guess how she was handling it at home.
Emily glanced over to JJ who seemed not to realize she had been asked a question. Sighing, Emily stepped in again to answer. "I'm not sure." Emily rubbed her brow thoughtfully, feeling a slight pang of failure that she didn't know the answer to the therapist's question.
"How often do you catch her in a nightmare?" The doctor asked Emily with interest. "For example, how many times do you hear her, or how often do you go in at night to help her?"
"At least once or twice a night." Emily admitted. "Yesterday morning, I woke up to find her asleep outside my bedroom door."
"She wanted to be close to you, that's good." Dr. Mayfield murmured. Suddenly, her mind registered the other part of what Emily had informed her and asked excitedly, "JJ, you're sleeping in your own room now?"
JJ shrugged imperceptibly, shrinking away from the silence as the other women watched her and waited for an answer. She turned the pencil around and vigorously erased some unseen flaw known only to her eyes.
Emily sighed at JJ's response and spoke up to fill the silence. "Anytime I moved, she'd wake up panicked. She's trying to sleep in her own room, like you suggested."
"You need your sleep too if you are taking care of her all the time." Dr. Mayfield pointed out, taking note that JJ sleeping in her own room even half of the night was an immense accomplishment. "That's good. That's a big step, JJ." She smiled at the blonde who paid her no mind, turning back to Emily she asked for clarification, "But she's still sleeping on the floor?"
"She gets scared anywhere else." Emily sighed resignedly; feeling like every acknowledgement of JJ's current situation only reflected Emily's own inability to help her friend.
"JJ, do you like to sleep on the floor?" She asked, not bothering to actually expect the woman would respond, but knowing that the more she asked the questions, eventually answers would come.
After a minute of JJ's continued drawing, Dr. Mayfield turned back to Emily and nodded, "You can't encourage her to sleep on the floor. Don't set out blankets on the floor or give her a pillow. If she wants to sleep on the floor, let that be her decision." She softened her expression, well aware that she seemed like a stickler for the 'rules' she had imposed. "But she's getting better all the time."
"But her hip—" Emily explained unnecessarily, "sleeping on the floor can only be making that worse. Right?"
"And when it hurts badly enough, maybe she'll sleep on the bed." The doctor retorted. "Right JJ?"
JJ shifted away from the other women, uncomfortable with being the focus of the conversation.
"The other morning, I found her sleeping on the floor without anything else. No blanket, no pillow." Emily held up her empty fist for emphasis. "Nothing. She won't move the blankets unless I tell her it's okay."
"JJ?" Dr. Mayfield asked hoping to draw the woman back into the conversation, "what do you have to say about Emily's concerns?" When JJ failed to respond, the doctor continued. "I noticed you got dizzy when you stood up earlier, JJ." Dr. Mayfield voiced her observation, "What have you been eating JJ?" The doctor attempted to reach out to her patient.
"She's eating." Emily insisted quickly. Seeing the therapist's questioning expression, she sighed and fought her first instinct to react defensively. "Jell-O and carrots—I can't get her to eat anything else."
Dr. Mayfield sighed, thinking deeply. "Do you set out other foods anyway? At least offer them to her?"
Both women took notice as JJ began furiously scribbling away over-top whatever figure she had been drawing.
Emily looked back at the therapist as she guiltily shook her head. "I've tried, but it just seems pointless." Quickly remembering the progress she had pointed out to Garcia the other day, she added, "But her cheeks are filling out and her sweat pants are a little tighter around her hips—that's good, right?"
The therapist sighed, "Not really."
"How can that not be good? She's gaining weight, sure she's hitting a setback, but—"
"She's not getting enough protein, Emily. Her caloric intake is probably still inadequate, but it's better than before." Dr. Mayfield explained, "There are two types of malnutrition. The state JJ was found in—cachexia—where the patient is no more than skin and bones. However, just like the starving children in Africa that seem to grace television commercials every so often—JJ's exhibiting signs of kwashiorkor malnutrition which means she's not getting nearly enough protein. I'm afraid it is just a different side of the same coin."
Emily rubbed her brow wearily. "So, what do I do?"
"JJ is dangerously underweight. If she's not eating, she can't get better." Dr. Mayfield informed, sighing she looked toward JJ before suggesting, "I think it would be best for us to insert a feeding tube."
"A feeding tube?" Emily asked horrified.
JJ snapped away from her now blackened page toward the conversation, surprising both the other women, "No." She whispered, "No quiero."
Both women sat in silence at JJ's unexpected response.
"You don't want the feeding tube JJ?" Dr. Mayfield asked, pouncing on the fact that JJ had just responded vocally—something that had not yet happened in this office.
JJ shrank back against the chair and began slowly tearing the paper she had drawn into small pieces.
"She's gained three pounds." Emily spoke up after a moment, defensive at the drastic suggestion in light of JJ's reaction. If JJ didn't want something, Emily would do anything she could to make sure she didn't have to.
"Since she was found, yes." Dr. Mayfield nodded, "but you know as well as I do that she's down almost an entire pound since our last appointment here."
"It's been two days." Emily defended, knowing full well the importance of each daily weigh-in with a various doctor. "She was sick from physical therapy yesterday."
The therapist sighed. "But 95 pounds is not a healthy weight. It might be something you should consider, and I will probably be bringing it up with Agent Hotchner if she's not making progress soon. But, if you think it's pointless, I can call him now and we could do an immediate out-patient procedure."
Emily groaned, already anticipating the look of disapproval in Hotch's eyes. "No. Don't call him yet. I promise, she'll start eating. I'll take her out somewhere today."
Glancing over at her patient, Dr. Mayfield shook her head sadly. "I'm afraid, Agent Prentiss, that might be a promise that you have no way of keeping." Looking back at the determined Agent, she relented. "But I'll give you two weeks."
"Thank you." Emily sighed with relief. The last thing she needed was Hotch even more concerned about JJ's current state. As it was, he called her almost hourly for an updated report, anything else and he'd practically be living with them—something Emily would never be able to stand.
Not even for JJ.
Even Emily had her limits.