Author's Note: Thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter: tayababy, 1xadzy3dgftw1xLSNx3dg1xMGG; SignedSealedWritten; hxchick; stefi; SparkleInTheSun; crazyobsession101; Love-B. xo Zolidify; and EmmaBerlin. Reviews make my day, so I really do appreciate it.
Special thanks to littlegreenbottle and brynnifer!
FYI, thes upcoming chapters are some of my favorites. But, the next chapter IS the reason this story is rated 'M'. So, just be warned. The next chapter will be very heavy, read at your discretion. I don't really know how much more clear I need to be, but...just be warned.
Emily threw an entire shelf-full of books onto the floor, desperate to find any other secret hiding place. "I can't believe she'd lie to me like this." Emily muttered under her breath. "I trusted her."
She glanced at the framed drawing displayed prominently on the wall beneath her staircase. Her rage momentarily receded as she thought back to JJ's gift.
Emily poured through the case file in front of her, willing the profile of the man responsible for raping several men in St. Louis to come to the forefront of her mind.
But there was just so much to do.
She wondered if this is what it felt like to be a mother, something she knew she would never truly experience. But JJ—JJ depended on her in a way that no one ever had before.
And to be honest, a part of her liked it.
The other part—the other part still felt so damn guilty.
Because it never should have been JJ in this position in the first place.
It should have been Emily.
Feeling a gaze on her, she looked up in surprise to see JJ standing in her doorway. She wondered briefly how long JJ had been standing there, but dismissed the thought as quickly as it had come.
She wasn't entirely sure why JJ did most of the things she did.
"Do you need something?" Emily asked, smiling as she quickly closed the case file in front of her and placed it on her bedside table.
JJ bit her lip apprehensively as if debating within herself about some grave matter that only she could resolve.
Emily watched in fascination, marveling at how JJ could still maintain traits she remembered from when Emily first started at the BAU, but still be so different.
She winced involuntarily at the thought.
Because it was her fault that JJ was abducted in the first place.
And the fact that she enjoyed JJ's dependency on her almost made her sick.
"JJ?" Emily prodded again, knowing full well that JJ's medications should start kicking in soon and the blonde would quickly need to fall asleep.
Wordlessly, JJ stepped toward Emily's king sized bed, gingerly pulling a folded piece of paper out of the pocket of her worn sweatpants. Huffing slightly with a determination Emily hadn't seen in a long time, JJ thrust the precious paper into Emily's hands.
Emily smiled gratefully as she accepted the paper, "Why thank you JJ." She praised, torn between a surge of pride at JJ's progression and a pang of guilt. She tenderly unfolded the worn paper and gasped at the sight in front of her.
A detailed sketch of what was unmistakably sunlight beaming forth behind clouds of dark grey oppression was captured on the page.
Awestruck, Emily traced the drawing with her fingertip. "JJ, this is amazing." She was at a loss for words.
Especially since the only drawing she knew JJ had ever kept was now prominently displayed at Henry's bedside.
She held the paper out to JJ and looked at her in admiration, "This was amazing, thank you for letting me see it."
JJ shook her head, and though Emily noticed the way her fingers seemed to lurch forward to snatch back the drawing, the blonde pulled back. "No." She gulped nervously, "I—you can—thank you."
Emily's mouth dropped in shock at the genuine display of gratitude and love. Realizing that JJ was anxiously awaiting to see if she accepted, Emily carefully placed the drawing beside the case file and stood, rapidly enveloping the younger woman in a hug. "It's beautiful. Tomorrow we'll get a frame for it and we can put it in the apartment."
A resounding knock startled her from her raid against her own condo. She glanced around, momentarily grimacing at the destroyed mess her home had become. "Who the hell could that be?" She grumbled.
Yanking the door open, she barked before she could see the person on the other side. "What do you want? It's not a good time." Her anger froze as she mentally kicked herself for yelling at the woman who was here for a scheduled appointment.
"Is everything okay?" Laurie Munroe, JJ's social worker, asked suspiciously. "Where's JJ?"
"Upstairs." Emily's lip twitched angrily earning a surprised look from the social worker.
"Okay."
"Look, can we just reschedule? Now's just not the best time." Emily admitted honestly.
"Emily, this is the third appointment we've had to reschedule this month." Laurie reminded her. "Can I talk to JJ?" She asked with a little more persistence on seeing the disaster inside.
Emily grimaced, but allowed the woman into her condo.
Laurie silently surveyed the destruction of Emily's apartment, glancing at the older woman after carefully cataloguing the disaster. "JJ's upstairs?"
"With Penelope." Emily ground out, mentally cursing Murphy's Law that seemed to enjoy destroying her life with it's simple premise—anything that can go wrong, will.
"I'm going to go talk to her." Laurie informed unnecessarily. Truthfully, Emily normally loved it when JJ's social worker came to check up on her, but today—right now—she needed a break.
And the universe seemed hell-bent on making sure she did not get a break.
Sighing, Emily returned to the matter at hand, incensed as she found an enormous pile of coins piled in a cabinet near the door.
"How the hell did I miss this?" Emily muttered several minutes later, piling the coins onto the counter with the others.
"Because she was careful." Laurie's voice startled her as the other woman descended the stairs. "It's not uncommon for—"
"Look. I promise—I know I made a mistake—but it's not normally like this. I didn't know—She wasn't taking her pills! Please don't report me. Hotch!" Emily groaned as she pictured the man's disapproving glare, "what's he going to say when he finds out—"
"Emily." Laurie interrupted, "you need got to calm down."
"I can't believe I let this happen. How could I let this happen?" Emily mused.
"You're human." Laurie smiled with understanding. "It's not ideal, but JJ's not a child. She is making adult decisions. Definitely you'll need to keep a watch on her and make sure she doesn't do anything to hurt herself, but it is something we can deal with."
Emily sighed, a great weight being lifted off her shoulder, "You're not going to take her away?"
Laurie sighed, "Emily, I'm not the bad guy here. JJ is my first priority. She's upstairs, scared and nervous at the thought that you're mad at her."
"I'm furious with her." Emily admitted.
"But you didn't hurt her. You are upset because she's hurting herself." Laurie explained, having gleaned enough from JJ's terrified sobs to confirm her theory. "If I thought you were hurting her, or putting her in danger, I'd do whatever it took to keep her safe. But you're just going to have to take new precautions."
"I can't believe I missed it." Emily shook her head. "I mean, look at this!" She commanded, gesturing at the items on the counter, "What the hell is going on? What was she thinking?"
Laurie bit her lip nervously, her heart dropping at the sight in front of her. "I'm not her therapist Emily. But—"
"I mean, belts? Coins? Her pills? How much more random could this get?" Emily rolled her eyes.
"It's not random." Laurie shook her head, sadly recalling other patients with similar habits.
"What do you mean?"
"Did you notice anything about where each item was located?" Laurie asked.
Emily nodded, "The coins, they were mostly by the door, but really they were everywhere. Her pills—I can't believe she wasn't taking her—"
"Emily, you've got to stop." Laurie interrupted, "It is what it is, and now you have to move on. Of course you'll need to make sure from now on that she's taking them, but…" Laurie trailed off, unwilling to betray any even implicit statements JJ had made in confidence.
"You think I'm overreacting?" Emily asked incredulously. "She stole all my belts! She's been hiding her pills!" Emily continued despite the social worker's mouth dropping open in an attempt to interrupt. "No, I know, move on, but what else has she been hiding? What else has she lied to me about?"
Laurie paused for a moment, allowing Emily's words to hang in the air. "I only have one question for you." She asked softly, "Is this about you or is this about her?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means, are you upset because she's not taking her pills and she's doing something dangerous, or are you upset that she lied to you?" Laurie asked simply.
"Isn't that the same thing?" Emily grumbled, slightly offended at the insinuation.
"Absolutely not. Because really, they are two completely different issues." Laurie insisted. "Either you accept JJ the way she is and move past this, or this entire situation is about you trying to prove your loyalty as a friend."
"I don't know what you think you know, but—"
"I know plenty." Laurie cut Emily off, "JJ's best interest isn't to have you taking care of her out of some misplaced attempt to relieve your guilt. JJ needs you to care about her despite her idiosyncrasies."
"So what do I do?" Emily asked, her cheeks flaming at the insinuation that all of her efforts had been made because she felt guilty. Because the truth of the matter was, guilt seemed to spur a lot of her motives lately.
"You have to accept JJ the way she is." Laurie shrugged. "I know that's hard because allowing her to make her own choices means she might make the wrong one. But now we just have to encourage her to make the right decisions."
"How do we—How do I do that?" Emily asked.
"One step at a time." Laurie smiled genuinely, "Emily, I can help you set up reward systems with JJ, encouraging her to eat and take her medicine. There is a lot we can do, but I want to ask you a question."
"Anything." Emily agreed quickly.
"Have you thought of talking to someone?" Laurie frowned as she saw Emily's face fall. "This is a lot to deal with. It's common for care-takers to suffer from situational depression. I need to know that you're getting the help you need to help JJ."
Emily hesitated, "It's not too much to deal with. I'm fine." She attempted to assert, hoping that the social worker would relax her request.
Laurie simply quirked an eyebrow, and Emily finally nodded slowly. "I'll think about it." She agreed slightly begrudgingly.
"Good." Laurie smiled.
"You said earlier that it wasn't that random." Emily prodded curiously, remembering the younger woman's words.
Laurie bit her lip nervously, realizing she probably shouldn't have said anything in the first place. "Yeah?"
"What did you mean?"
The social worker sighed, "Emily, I can't tell you anything she's told me in confidence—"
"I'm not asking you to," The agent held up her hands defensively, "I'm just asking you to help me understand."
After a second's hesitation, the younger woman asked, "So what have you found?"
"Belts. Coins." Emily grimaced, "Rotten Food. Her pills." She ground out the last one in frustration.
"Well I can say that generally, hoarding is common for victims of extremely violent situations and often, a person doesn't even know why they are doing it." Laurie explained, "JJ's therapist could probably answer your questions in greater detail, but people who have experienced those situations are attempting to control their environment. So if a person had been through an experience similar to JJ's, maybe that person would hold onto things in an attempt to control her world."
"When I first started at the BAU, that was something I noticed about JJ, she was always in control." Emily mused thoughtfully.
"So do you think JJ likes being in control?" Laurie asked, not wanting to divulge anything that JJ had told her, but wanting to lead Emily to make the connections herself.
"Absolutely." Emily replied as if it were the most obvious answer. Suddenly, a light clicked "But she probably had no control over the last 3 years."
"Exactly. So a lot of the small items you found could be JJ searching out control." The social worker agreed. "The belts—I mean that could be anything from JJ subconsciously removing any thing that could be used to hurt her to trying to be ready to fight back if something were to happen. I don't know that JJ even knows at this point why she's keeping all of this stuff—but I can tell you that it all goes back to control."
"And the food?"
"How often do you think JJ ate during her time with Manuel?" Laurie asked a question in turn.
"Hardly ever." Emily scoffed in derision, but as the words came out of her mouth, her face dropped in terror as her mind made the connections. "So she's storing it?"
Laurie shrugged, this time having quite a bit of knowledge behind JJ's motives but unable to speak about it. "I can't say. What I can say is that if JJ had been so out of control for so long, don't you think she'd try to prepare—get ready for when things got bad again?"
"You mean, she thinks Manuel is coming back?" Emily asked horrified.
Laurie winced, momentarily kicking herself as she realized she probably shouldn't have said that. "Why do you think she is keeping the coins?" She asked gently as if the matter were completely unrelated. Emily didn't need her to confirm the truth behind her deduction, but Laurie didn't want to betray JJ's trust.
"I have no idea." Emily thought carefully.
"What do you know about what happened to her while she was with Manuel?" Laurie asked carefully.
Emily's stomach rolled as she remembered a vivid phone call JJ had been able to make, the only real, solid lead they had the entire time she had been missing—yet even that had been untraceable. "It—was awful." She admitted, forcing the feelings of guilt away as she focused on the conversation at hand.
JJ had lied to her.
She had a right to be angry.
"And?" Laurie prodded, remembering how JJ had admitted once that she earned a pittance of an 'allowance' with each person she slept with, only to be forced to try to reimburse her captors for their 'generosity'.
Sometimes, it made her sick what people would do to one another.
Other times, her heart broke for her client—especially one, like JJ, who was preparing to buy her freedom should the need arise.
And protect Emily in the process.
But this wasn't something Laurie could say. Hinting at the true cause was toeing the line further than the young woman was ready to admit. "Emily, why do you think she was hiding the money?"
"It doesn't matter!" Emily exploded, masking the guilt that sometimes kept her up at night with a rage that could make itself heard. "She lied." The anger brew once more at the thought of everything Emily had done for JJ, only to have the younger woman hide the very things that would help her.
"It does matter." Laurie corrected, "It is okay to be angry."
"No it's not!" Emily snapped, quickly losing the careful control she had somehow managed to maintain. "JJ is doing all of this and I can't stop her! Doesn't she realize how much I've tried—"
"Emily," The social worker stopped her, "We might not know why JJ is doing these things—JJ might not know—but there is a reason she's acting like this. We can't fault her for acting this way—she didn't choose this."
Emily's face fell. "You're saying I shouldn't be angry."
"Not at all." Laurie shook her head. "I'm saying you should accept the anger. I'm saying it is okay to be angry—anger is an emotion just like joy and sadness. What I'm saying is that JJ didn't choose this life. Someone made choices and stripped that from her."
"So what do we do?"
"Now we help her overcome it."