Author's Note: Thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter: crazyobsession101; ilovetvalot; zzz-zzz84; 1xadzy3dgftw1xLSNx3dg1xMGG; midmac; Zolidify; SparkleInTheSun; canny-bairn; Love-B .xo; and hxchick. Reviews make my day, so I really do appreciate it.
Special thanks to littlegreenbottle and brynnifer! Shout-out to SignedSealedWritten who encouraged me to post a celebratory chapter since I finished finals. Woohoo!
Quickly following JJ out the library doors, Hotch easily unlocked the door and wordlessly followed JJ's lead as she slipped into the car.
JJ was silent as she traced the outline of the water residue that still clung to the bottom of the window from the early April shower.
Hotch drove in silence, unaware of how to adequately address the elephant between them.
Why hadn't they found her? They had never stopped looking.
But they were supposed to be the best.
Why hadn't they found her?
JJ tried the handle of the door, biting her lip as she found the door locked and tried to force down the anxiety that ignited like kerosene inside of her.
This was Hotch, she reminded herself—forcing herself to focus on breathing evenly—just because she had no way to get out didn't mean that she was in danger.
But she couldn't get out.
There was no way out.
Hotch glanced over at the blonde, frowning at her obvious attempt to control her emotions. He drove in silence for a moment, misinterpreting her anxiety as disappointment.
"JJ, I'm sorry." He sighed, her earlier accusation nearly cutting a hole in his worn soul.
JJ gasped painfully as she dug her fingernails into her thighs, frantically trying to regain control over herself.
"JJ?"Hotch asked worriedly, glancing between JJ and the road, for the first time realizing it was something far more than child-like disappointment.
"I—" She shoved her face in front of the car air vents, blasting the cold AC on her face. "I—" Her breathing was rapid and he could see her desperately clawing at the collar of her shirt as if it were suffocating her.
"JJ, are you okay?" Hotch asked, torn with an unfamiliar sense of indecision for not knowing what to do.
Rather than answering, JJ tried to force herself to breath, though the entire world felt as if it were crashing down around her. Though this feeling was painfully familiar, it never got easier.
She never knew how to deal with it better.
Realizing that he was woefully unequipped to deal with JJ in this state, Hotch dialed the only number he could think of.
"Hotch?" Emily picked up the phone after the first ring. "Tell me she's not hurt."
"She's—" As if on cue, JJ gasped, desperate for air. Her heart raced as if by beating faster she would be able to get out of this frighteningly familiar situation.
"What's going on?" Emily demanded, and if Hotch hadn't witnessed Emily's fury at the blond just hours earlier, he would have sworn she was cursing herself for letting JJ spend time with him.
"I don't know." Hotch admitted, "She's not—she's not well"
"What—"'
"Emily," Hotch was aware his voice caught as he tried to focus on the road, "I think she can't breathe—I think..."
"Put the phone on speaker." Emily ordered, as if instantly understanding. Hotch fumbled with the device in his hand and after missing twice, managed to hit the correct buttons.
"It's a panic attack" Emily explained, whether to JJ or him, he wasn't sure. "JJ, I need you to match my breathing. Can you breathe with me?" She asked, knowing full well that this tactic hardly ever worked with JJ when she was by her side, but hoping it would at least help her feel stable.
"Hotch, you're pulling over?"Emily asked, though there was little question that Hotch was going to do anything else. Immediately, Hotch pulled over to the side of the road, desperately hoping Emily could magically appear and make this all better.
She had to.
"Where are you?" Emily demanded.
"42nd and Lexington." Hotch explained, cringing as he held JJ back gently as she tried to bolt out of the car.
"JJ, it's okay. You're in Hotch's car." Emily soothed expertly, as if keenly aware that JJ needed to be reminded she was no longer facing the monstrous villains that haunted her dreams. "It's okay JJ. I'm coming for you. You'll be able to get out of the car. JJ you have to trust me. You will be able to get out."
Hotch pursed his lips as he gulped down the swell of emotion as he saw Emily's car swerve dangerously around the corner. He wondered just how many traffic lights she had sped through in an effort to get there as soon as possible.
"JJ, I will always come back for you, I promise." Emily assured as she sprinted out of her car. Reluctantly, Hotch too stepped out of his car to help JJ as she practically fell out of the car into Emily's arms.
"I will always come back for you." Emily promised, soothing the distraught woman in her arms without a second look at her supervisor.
Hotch fought tears that burned in his eyes as he watched the interaction between the two women. "Do you want me to—" He offered weakly, fully aware of his own ineptitude.
Emily looked over JJ's head, shaking her head softly. "I have this." She whispered firmly as she directed JJ back toward her own car.
Derek, who had apparently accompanied Emily in her mad dash to return to JJ's side, stepped out of Emily's car and avoided uncomfortable on encroaching on the tender moment between the two friends, stepped up over to Hotch.
Hotch rolled down the window of the passenger's side to allow the younger man to voice whatever opinion seemed to be weighing him down, "Hotch..." Derek hesitated, "we need to talk—"
"Derek—" Hotch held up his hand, fully aware that he alone was responsible for JJ's outburst.
Derek had every right to censure him for encroaching on Emily's well-deserved time alone. But he couldn't help her. And that was his fault. Well aware of how close Emily and Derek were, and after seeing just what JJ was going through, he couldn't take it.
Not right now.
"I can't deal with you right now." Hotch shook his head as he stepped back into his car. "I just...I can't deal with you right now."
Hotch tried to force himself to focus on the case files in front of him, but something was niggling on the back of his mind from nearly a month before.
Hotch drummed his fingers nervously on the knee of his pants as he and Emily waited in Dr. Mayfield's office with JJ sandwiched in between them, waiting for JJ's therapist to finish with an early appointment.
"It will probably only be another minute JJ." Hotch assured, saying the words more for his own benefit than the blonde beside him.
While he hated hospitals, he loathed waiting rooms.
And even though it wasn't his appointment, his nerves were still on edge.
A man stepped into the waiting room and approached the receptionist, "I need the number for the Astrazeneca rep." The man demanded, though he smiled apologetically at the three agents in the waiting room.
"Absolutely Dr. Santos." The receptionist replied quickly, though even Hotch could say the way the woman fought to roll her eyes at his condescension. While the receptionist searched through her files, the man smiled apologetically. "I'm Doctor Miguel Santos." He introduced himself with an air of authority, "Susan and I co-op this practice."
Hotch smiled and Emily instinctively put her arm around the back of JJ's chair while JJ pulled her knees up onto the chair as her face dropped in anxiety. "FBI Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner." Hotch smiled, though made no efforts to identify either JJ or Emily to the man.
The man nodded after a moment, apparently realizing neither Emily nor JJ would even make an attempt to introduce themselves. Emily was watching JJ carefully, as if certain the younger woman would break at the well-intentioned doctor simply making small talk.
"Wait—are you—Agent Jareau?" Dr. Santos asked, recognition dawning though there was something about it that Hotch couldn't put his finger on. "It's good to see you."
JJ shrunk back toward Emily but kept her gaze fixed on Dr. Santos's eyes. Hotch and Emily quickly exchanged glances, JJ hadn't acted like this for months.
"Thank you." Hotch supplied, hoping to move the conversation along to relieve whatever imagined pressures that seemed to weigh on JJ's mind. "It was nice to meet you."
"I have a patient, a little girl named Alejandra waiting for me." Dr. Santos smiled, gathering the note from the receptionist and smiled as though apologizing for his need to leave. "She's a nice little girl who likes to keep silent to protect the people she cares about."
Hotch smiled politely, something inside him revolting at the man's kindness, but logically knowing nothing could really be wrong. "Thank you Dr. Santos."
"I'm glad you are safe," Dr. Santos smiled at JJ who continued to bite her lip nervously. When the man held his gaze, JJ looked up and nodded nervously.
"JJ?" Dr. Mayfield stood in her open doorway as another patient slid out ahead of the good doctor.
"Be good." Dr. Santos waved.
Since then, Hotch couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something.
A knock at the door distracted him from his thoughts, "Hotch?" Morgan asked, clenching his jaw as if he had resigned himself to some awful fate. "Can I have a word?"
"What can I do for you Morgan?" Hotch gestured toward the empty seat across from his desk, curious at Derek's obvious discomfort.
"It's about JJ." Derek explained, diving quickly to the point. "And Emily." He amended.
Hotch quirked his eyebrow, well aware that Derek and Emily were closer than any other member of the team.
Sensing that Hotch's mind was travelling down the wrong road, he quickly amended. "Not like that." Derek sighed, "Hotch—I don't know how to say this…"
"Just saying it often works for me." Hotch smirked, confused at Morgan's reluctance.
Morgan sighed, "I didn't think it'd be this hard," He murmured, though truthfully he had lain awake last night perfectly aware of how difficult it would be.
It was still harder than he thought.
"I lied to you." He admitted. Seeing the look of surprise that quickly morphed to anger and betrayal, he spoke quickly to get the situation out before Hotch could stop him. "I thought I was helping, but now…Hotch, JJ…she's a lot to deal with."
"I'm aware of that, Agent Morgan." Hotch ground out, forcing himself to remain calm despite the anger that broiled inside of him. "Is that—"
"Hotch, look man, I didn't want to be the one to say this, but Emily's in over her head."
"How over her head?" Hotch bit down on each word.
Derek groaned, not wanting to betray Emily's trust but…
It needed to be done.
"How over her head Agent Morgan?" Hotch nearly shouted.
"When we found JJ, and I stayed the night watching the hotel room?" Derek paused, waiting for Hotch's flash of recognition to continue. Seeing Hotch's eyes glower, he pressed forward, "She took Emily's gun. We found her in the shower—she—"
"She what?" Hotch demanded firmly, his face on the verge of errupting lividly. "She what Agent Morgan?"
"She had Emily's gun. She didn't have the clip." Derek bit his lip unconsciously. "I pulled her out and she thought—" Derek cringed at the memory, "she thought I was mad at her. She tried to pull at my—" He gestured toward his pants, fighting back the horrific memories, but almost unable to hold back the facts that had kept him up at night.
Hotch's normally stoic and emotionless face was colder than Morgan had ever seen it. "And you didn't tell me?"
"She was bad off." Derek admitted, "But I thought Emily could handle it."
Hotch was ready to explode at the younger agent but something in his voice made him stop.
Because this had happened nearly six months ago.
What made Derek come to his office today?
"And?" He asked, the one word highlighting the fury that was nearly boiling over.
"Emily told me yesterday that wasn't the only time."
"It wasn't the only time." Hotch's voice was soft and clear, his eyes narrowing as he grimly realized that he had no idea what was going on.
"She thought she could handle it. Hotch—"
"Get out." Hotch ordered seriously, his eyes furious as he ordered the younger man out of his office. "Get out."