Author's Note: Thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter: hxchick; Auraya-of-White; IllStandByYou87; 1xadzy3dgftw1xLSNx3dg1xMGG; youdude; Zolidify; and ditzie-blonde. The outpouring of support for this story has been phenomenal and I appreciate everyone who has reviewed, alerted, and favorited this story. I wrote this story as an attempt to show that some of the strongest people can be victimized in ways that most of us will hopefully never have to encounter. While I believe that in order to experience great joy a person must tredge through unbelievable sorrow, I am also aware that for some victims the trauma is never over.
Special thanks to brynnifer who is pretty much the reason I finished this story.
This here is the last chapter of the story. I hope this story is as satisfying for you to read as it was for me to write, and if not, I do appreciate your feedback. This has been a long journey, and I wanted to get the last chapter up before school starts.
By way of explanation of the last chapter, Dr. Nielsen's reaction was torn between being horrified and grateful because with JJ being 'Zoey's Angel', now he knows exactly what his daughter could have gone through. There's a difference, I think, between being woken up with nightmares of what could have happened in a general sense versus knowing exactly what could have happened. By making that connection, he knows that his daughter was captured by monsters with no respect for human life and he is confronted with the harsh reality that his five year old daughter could have been raped, could have been beaten, and many more awful and terrible things could have happened. While not explicit in the story, he probably was able to glean at least some facts from his daughter that he realized that the 'Angel' had sacrificed herself for his daughter. It is one thing to think of someone you don't know, a victim you can distance yourself, but this connection of JJ as the Angel makes it more personal.
JJ fidgeted nervously in the witness stand, she bit her lip—the only sign of the anxiety that welled within her—as Dr. Santos rose from behind the Defendant's table. She looked back to the gallery, forcing herself to focus on the faces of Hotch, Emily, Will, Reid, Dr. Nielsen, Lisa…all of the people that were here to help her.
Two years of therapy and the very sight of Manuel made her insides flip.
The prosecutor had asked her to just say what happened, and after that Manuel got his turn.
This wasn't about Manuel trying to exercise his rights. This was Manuel's attempt to scare her. To intimidate her one last time.
And damn him, it was working.
"Good Morning. Ms. Jareau." Manuel greeted with false kindness, ready and excited for the opportunity to face Alejandra one last time. "Tell me, do you still have nightmares?"
JJ took a deep, halting breath as she leaned forward to speak into the microphone. "Yes." She cringed.
"Tell me, are you still afraid of the dark?" He asked, his voice soft and caring, though JJ could easily see the calculated coldness directed at her.
She cleared her throat, fighting the nervousness and the fear that welled inside of her. "I'm not afraid of the dark. I'm afraid of the evil that hides in the dark."
"Did you ever tell your friends what happened to you?" Manuel asked, as if suddenly struck with the thought.
JJ licked her bottom lip and took in a deep breath. "Yes, I told them. They know."
"Everything?" He asked, knowingly.
The prosecutor, who until this point had been silent, stood immediately. "Objection, Your Honor this has gone on long enough, he's badgering the witness. This has to stop."
"Your Honor, this goes to the severity of the charges alleged, I'm just trying to ascertain the effects of Ms. Jareau's abuse and the jury needs to know—"
"Save your impassioned plea Dr. Santos." The judge said dismissively, well aware of the psychiatrist's tactic, but not wanting to allow any opportunity for an appeal. "I'll allow it, but you have a short leash."
"Everything? You told your friends everything?" He asked again, thrilled at the opportunity to dredge up the worst memories for the woman in front of him.
JJ bit her lip. "Emily. And Will. They—" She took a deep breath to calm herself, "I told them everything."
"So they know why you are afraid of fire?" He asked, smirking at the game of psychological chess.
There was a reason he had fought to represent himself and declined any plea agreement offers.
He had been waiting for this.
He felt a surge as he could nearly see the memory flashing in Alejandra's eyes.
The lights flickered, plunging Emily's bright condo into darkness. They had been warned of rolling blackouts due to the weather, but that didn't mean that she worried about it any less.
JJ had only been out of the private hospital for six months.
She was still fragile.
As soon as the small night light flickered off, JJ woke with a gasp, unable to even comprehend sleeping in the dark. Stumbling out of her room, she inched herself along the hallway, walking closer and closer to the warm low light emanating from Emily's living room.
"JJ, what happened?" Emily asked, concerned as JJ descended the stairs. JJ forced herself to maintain steady breathing, consciously forcing air in and out of her lungs at a regular pace.
"Dark. I don't—I don't like the dark." JJ explained. At the sight of the growing fire in the corner, JJ stopped, her eyes wide and her legs unable to even inch herself a step closer.
Emily glanced questioningly between JJ and the fire, understanding growing as yet another piece seemed to fall into place. "It's okay JJ, the power is out, we just needed a fire."
"I don't like fire." JJ admitted, still rooted to the spot on the last stair.
"I'm sorry." Emily frowned and had JJ cared, she would have noticed the tears pooling behind Emily's eyes.
"I—I didn't mean to—it hurt so bad, I just couldn't—" The blonde rambled as if that were somehow related to fire.
Unfortunately, they were.
"JJ, what are you talking about?"
"Manuel, he was so angry because I didn't clean up, after—" JJ trailed off as a wave of fear passed over her face as she tried to explain, "I should have cleaned up after they slept with me, but it hurt so bad, I was bleeding—"
Emily closed her eyes walked over to JJ, pulling the younger woman gently to sit on the last step. She held JJ just a little tighter, hoping that by some miracle if she could just soothe JJ this once, maybe none of this would have ever happened. "I'm sure you did the best you could." She assured the trembling woman.
"When I got back to Manuel—I knew I was in so much trouble. He was so mad. I should have cleaned up after myself." JJ shook her head self-deprecatingly as she clung tighter to Emily and buried her head into Emily's shoulder. "I should have done it. It should have been clean."
"Oh, JJ—" Emily gasped.
"I knew better." JJ held her head in her hands, "it was all my fault."
"JJ, what was your fault?" Emily asked, biting her lip to prevent herself from reassuring the woman. JJ burrowed closer into Emily, fighting for comfort and protection that only the older woman seemed able to give.
"He made me burn it." JJ rambled. "My blanket, he made me burn my blanket. It was all my fault."
"Yes." JJ admitted, clearing her throat and forcing her mind to stop from remembering any more of her painful past. This was his intention, they warned her about this. All he wanted to do was to make her remember, to land his final blows. "They know everything I can remember."
But she needed this too. Because she needed to face him.
She needed closure.
"And you were on a feeding tube for nearly a year, is that correct?" Manuel asked, changing tactics. Now, it was time to show Alejandra how weak she was.
How she could never recover.
"Yes." JJ admitted.
"And that was because you intentionally expelled any food that was given to you, correct?" Manuel asked.
JJ hesitated, unsure of how to respond. "Yes, I had a feeding tube for almost a year." She added, allowing herself to get lost in the brief memory.
"98 pounds!" JJ's physical therapist's assistant Donna practically squealed in excitement. "That's almost half a pound since your last weigh in!" The woman smiled proudly.
"Half a pound?" Emily gasped, "JJ, that's amazing!" She had been reminded vigorously to make sure that each positive weigh-in was met with a celebration of the success that was a stark contrast to the weigh-ins where JJ lost weight and not another word was spoken.
JJ blushed at the attention, but flashed a brief grin at the praise before biting her lip cautiously. "It's not that—"
"It's huge." Donna praised. "One pound is amazing."
JJ bit her lip, "Only ten more to go."
"Ms. Jareau," Manuel smiled, "You testified that you don't think of me anymore, that you're better, but we both know differently." He looked at her pointedly. "I'll always be a part of you."
"No." JJ's voice faltered. "No. You are weak, and pathetic—"
"Thank you Ms. Jareau, I think that is all—" Manuel tried to cut her off, but JJ would have nothing of it.
"I don't think of you. You don't matter to me. And when you go to prison, and I never see you again, I will never think of you." Her mouth turned upward into a smile. "You are nothing."
Seeing Manuel frown, she her smile grew.
"And it was not my fault."
JJ sprinted to the toilet, barely making it as the contents of her stomach emptied into the low basin.
"Chère?" Will asked, coming from the master bedroom. Stepping around behind her, he pulled her hair back as she tried to calm herself down. "Another nightmare?" He guessed.
"Why are you here?" JJ asked, wiping away the corner of her mouth as she hovered over the basin, ready for another bout of nausea.
"What do you mean?" Will asked, rubbing JJ's back carefully.
Another heave wracked her body as she expelled everything inside of her system into the porcelain basin.
She shuddered as Will helped her lean back against the bathroom wall, familiar with the routine.
"Why are you still here?" JJ asked again, rubbing her tired and worn eyes. "You could be happy. You could be with someone who isn't damaged. You could have a life."
"JJ—"
"Instead, you're with me." She coughed, stopping momentarily as she tried to settle her rolling stomach.
"Jayje." He sighed, hating that she felt this way. After a moment, he asked. "Do you remember when we started dating again…after?" He asked, not needing to explain further.
JJ's life had only two parts: Before, and After.
It had only been a year that they lived together again. Six months that they could sleep in the same room. Three months since they shared a bed, but they had yet to sleep together.
JJ snorted at the memory of Hotch and Emily chaperoning their first few months of dating.
While they had said it was for her own benefit, she distinctly got the impression that they were more like hawks or over protective parents chaperoning their fourteen-year-old daughter's first date.
But it felt nice.
Despite the fact that Will had been obviously terrified.
Will chuckled at the memory, "Our third date, the one where Reid watched Henry and the four of us went bowling at Jimmy's place?"
JJ smiled despite herself at the memory. Will had conned his friend into closing early, allowing the entire bowling alley to be completely empty except for the two workers that staffed the alley. Will had then proceeded to be his easy to love, goofy self as he wooed his girlfriend back.
And while it had taken a long, long time, it worked.
"I don't know what this has to do with—"
With one look from Will, she stopped, leaning against him as he turned her slightly in his arms to face her. "It has everything to do with it." He smiled, looking at her the way only a man in love can look at a woman with vomit still lining the corner of her mouth. "I love you. And however long it takes for you to love me back, however long it takes for you to feel safe, I can wait. I'm here for you."
"But you could be happy!" JJ insisted incredulously, tears making the long trek down her cheeks as she looked back on the kindest man she knew. "You could be happy with someone normal."
"I don't want someone normal." Will replied, brushing a stray hair from JJ's face so that he could look into her deep blue eyes clearly. "I want you."
JJ rolled her eyes at his maudlin behavior.
He watched her closely, cataloguing her reaction, and for the finally felt it was time to share something he hadn't told her yet.
He had told her many times how much he loved her. He had spent many nights holding her hair back as she vomited. He had stayed by for months
"Do you really want to know why I'm still here?" He asked, nodding as he decided that this was the right time. "JJ, you were missing for three years." He said, shaking his head as he sighed full of emotion. "And when they found you, I knew. I knew I could never be with anyone else."
"Why?" JJ asked, running a hand through her own hair.
"Because even with everything you've been through, everything you've seen, you are still kind, you are still good." He explained the veracity of his words boring holes in her feelings of self-doubt. "You are still JJ."
"But—"
"And I would rather spend the rest of my life patting your back while you throw up because of horrific nightmares than be with anyone else. JJ, you are worth it."
Tears blurred her vision as she looked at the man that would give up the entire world for her.
"I don't deserve you." She murmured as she leaned more closely against him, using his body to support her. "You are gentle, and you are happy. You deserve happiness."
"I'm happy with you." He sighed, well aware that he would need to repeat this conversation many times before it truly sunk in. "But JJ, you are worth it."
She bit her lip, closing her eyes as she took in his loving unconditional acceptance.
Things were far from okay, and she would never be the woman she used to be.
This new normal was far from perfect, but her life would never be the way it was before.
And for now, that was okay.
Author's Note: And now, here I am at the end of the story. I hope it was a worthwhile journey for all of you who have followed it. You'll notice that while JJ is far from being okay, she's moving forward.
There is NO sequel planned, so this is it. The End. I hope you liked it.
-kdzl