A/N: I don't think I've ever updated this story so quickly, but I guess inspiration comes when it comes. Thankfully I had a day off, so I could take advantage of it.
This is one of the longest chapters too, I'm really on a roll.
I want to thank you once again for the wonderful reviews. It's really awesome if a lot of people like what you write!
XX
The first visitor that Andy had while she was awake was Oliver. He was sitting in the chair next to her bed when she opened her eyes.
Again she had to take a minute to remember what happened. She felt so tired and so drained. When she remembered where she was and why she wast here tears filled her eyes again. Not being able to be with her baby went against all her instincts as a new mother.
''Do you know how he is?'' was the first thing she asked.
Oliver shook his head with an apologetic look on his face. ''No, but I'm sure that Sam will be here soon to update you.'' He stood up and sat down on the side of Andy's bed. A small and unsure smile formed on his lips. ''Congratulations McNally,'' he softly said. ''You're a mother now.''
A whimper escaped Andy's lips. Oliver was the first besides Sam to actually congratulate her on her son's birth. He was the first that reminded her that even though the situation was so messed up, she finally got her wish. She finally was a mother.
''I miss him,'' Andy softly said when Oliver gently hugged her. ''They won't let me see him. Sam says that he's really small and he needs his mom.''
Being a parent himself Oliver could relate to Andy's pain. He knew how it felt to become a parent. The emotions were overwhelming, especially the first time. He couldn't imagine how hard it was on Sam and Andy. They had even more stuff to worry about.
With his thumb he whipped away the tears from Andy's cheek. ''Do you know what he needs most right now?'' Oliver asked. When Andy looked at him he continued. ''He needs for his mom to heal. I know you don't feel any pain, because your concern for him is bigger.''
''Have you seen him?'' Andy asked.
''No,'' Oliver answered. ''They only allowed Sam, your father and Sarah in yesterday. Visitor rules are very strict, as they should be.''
Sitting up was very uncomfortable, so Andy slowly laid down again. ''Has Sam gone home yet? He should get some sleep too.''
''He slept a few hours in the family room,'' Oliver told her. ''I saw him before I came him. Brought him something to eat and a decent coffee.''
''How is he?'' Andy asked. ''Did he get some rest?''
''He slept for a few hours,'' Oliver confirmed. ''He told me that he would first go into the NICU and then come see you.'' He grabbed the picture that was on the little cabinet next to Andy's bed. ''He is beautiful Andy, you should be proud.''
''I feel so useless,'' Andy admitted. ''He's fighting so hard and there's nothing I can do for him. All I'm allowed to do is lie in this stupid hospital bed. I should be with my baby.''
As much as Oliver understood where Andy was coming from, he knew it was for their own good that she was not allowed to see her son. The risk of an infection was too high. ''Andy,'' he tried. ''I know that you want to see him. Everybody understands that. It's just too risky, okay? So you've got to focus on what you can do for him.''
''I'm not allowed to do anything,'' Andy repeated. ''The nurse wouldn't even let me walk to the toilet. They say I need physical therapy first.''
Oliver stood up and grabbed a plastic bag that was in the corner of the room. ''How about you start here?'' he asked. He handed Andy a book with baby names. ''The boy needs a name, right? Sam told me you haven't made a decision yet.''
Andy smiled sadly and took the book. ''Sam hates all the names I love.''
''I'm sure you'll figure it out,'' Oliver promised. He looked at the clock and gave Andy a quick kiss on her cheek. ''I have to get back to work,'' he said.
''Thanks Oliver.'' Andy looked down at the book. Then she realised something, her head snapped up again. ''Oliver, where's Boo?'' she quickly asked. She knew the dog wasn't anybody's first priority now, but she loved him and hoped that somebody was taking care of him.
''I believe that Sarah took him home with her,'' Oliver answered. ''She figured that you two had other things to worry about and she didn't mind.''
A little bit more relaxed Andy turned her head. She opened the book and started to look at the lists that were in front of her.
XX
An hour later Sam walked in. The first thing Andy noticed was that he looked tired. She could imagine that he was truly exhausted. She knew she was and she had been in bed all day long. All the emotions were taking its toll on Sam as well.
''Hey,'' he smiled when he saw that she was awake. ''How are you feeling?''
Andy shrugged and lifted herself up a little so she could kiss him. ''Pretty much the same,'' she admitted. ''How's our baby? Have you seen him yet?''
''He's doing good,'' Sam promised. He kissed Andy again and sighed deeply. ''Have some new pictures on my phone.'' Dov had been kind enough to pick up a few things at their house, so he now had his charger with him. He handed Andy the phone and laid down next to her as she scrolled through the pictures.
''He looks so peaceful in this one,'' Andy whispered.
A small smile formed on Sam's lips as he watched the picture of his sleeping son. ''I know,'' he said. ''The nurse said that he's taking everything like a little champ.'' He watched Andy scroll back to the beginning and then he took the phone from her. ''Made a video too.'' He quickly found the video and pressed play.
As soon as she saw the moving images from her son Andy's eyes filled with tears again. She had shed more tears in a day than she had in all her life, but everything was just too much. ''He's so fragile,'' she hiccupped.
Sam quickly pulled her into him and kissed her forehead. ''I know,'' was all he said. There were no words that could make Andy's pain go away. He felt the same pain, so he knew what she was feeling.
They didn't say anything else for a while. Sam closed his eyes again for a moment and Andy tried to find some peace in her husband's arms. After almost ten minutes Andy sat up a little. Sam sat up with her and supported her back when he saw her flinch. ''What do you want?'' he asked. ''Just lay back down Andy.''
''I just need that book,'' Andy said. She took the book that Oliver got her and showed it to Sam. ''Oliver got it for me, told me that that's at least one thing we can do for him now.''
Sam smiled sadly and nodded. ''You looked into it yet?'' he asked.
''I have.'' Andy's voice was still small from crying. She opened the book and found the page where she had placed a post-it. ''How about this one?'' she asked. ''It means gift, just like he is.''
Sam ran his finger over the five letters and looked at Andy. ''It's fitting,'' he agreed. ''Simple.''
''That's what we wanted, right?'' Andy asked. She laid her head on Sam's shoulder and looked at the name again. ''Simple, but with meaning.''
''Jesse Swarek,'' Sam said out loud.
''We found our name?'' Andy asked him.
''We found it,'' Sam agreed.
XX
An hour later they were still in the same position. Sometimes they were silent for a few minutes, sometimes they talked a little. Every time one spoke up the subject somehow went back to their son. All they could talk about was how perfect he was, despite the fact that he still had so much to fight for.
''I might be able to hold him today,'' Sam softly admitted. It was hard for him to bring it up. Of course he looked forward to holding his son for the first time, but it kind of felt like he was rubbing it in Andy's face.
Andy perked up a little. ''He can come out of the incubator? Isn't that dangerous?''
''Apparently there's this thing called kangaroo care,'' Sam explained. ''They'll put him on my bare chest and then my body heat helps him the same way the incubator does. They say it helps to form a bond between us and it's supposed to help him relax.''
He felt tearstains forming on his shirt. It was breaking him how much Andy was hurting, but there was nothing that he could do. ''If it could be you I would've let you have that moment,'' Sam tried. ''I know this is killing you.''
''I'm glad it's you,'' Andy answered, trying to stay strong even though it felt like someone was ripping her heart out. Every time she realised she hadn't had her baby with her in over 24 hours it felt like a knife was stabbed into her. ''I had him with me for seven months. It's your turn now.''
When the doctors and nurse came in a minute later Sam sat up and threw his legs off the bed. Andy sat up too and Sam protectively threw his arm around her.
''Is there any news?'' Sam asked. He recognized the two doctor and realised that Andy's doctor, as well as Jesse's doctor had joined them.
Andy's doctor was the first to speak up. ''Mrs. Swarek,'' he started. ''We've looked at your lung x-rays and those look really good. We're keeping an eye on how much your drain is producing right now. When that's less than 50cc an hour we'll remove the drain.''
''Will I need surgery again?'' Andy asked.
''No, removing the drain is a relatively easy procedure that we can do right here. The nurse will call the physician assistant whenever your production is low enough and then they'll remove it here.'' The doctor looked at the charts and smiled. ''My colleague who operated on your leg looked at those X-rays. They looked good too and you'll be allowed out of bed today with a physical therapist.''
''I can go to the NICU?'' Andy hopefully asked.
That was when the neonatologist spoke up. ''We've discussed this together and unfortunately your CRP level is on the high side.''
''What does that mean,'' Sam asked.
''It means that there is an infection somewhere in Mrs. Swarek's body,'' the doctor explained. ''As long as we don't know where it's coming from, it's not safe to let you into the NICU. We're starting antibiotics right now so hopefully the level will go down quickly.''
Andy bowed her head and shook her head as the doctor spoke. ''Please?'' she asked. ''I'm his mother. He needs me.''
''I'm very sorry,'' the doctor continued with sympathy in her voice. ''Everybody understands that you want nothing more than to go see your son. But right now it's not safe for you to go into the NICU. Our babies are very susceptible and we can't take any risks. Your son is a fighter, but we can't take any chances.''
''Jesse,'' Andy whispered. ''We named him Jesse.''
The doctor smiled and took a step forward. She placed a hand on Andy's shoulder. ''That's a beautiful name,'' she told them. ''I promise you that we're doing everything we can to let you see your son as soon as possible. We can't take any risks though.''
Andy nodded and looked at Sam. He cradled her head in his hand and let her cry on his shoulder again. The doctor gave him a sad look and looked at his colleague.
''Is there any news on him?'' Sam asked. ''How is he doing.''
''He's doing good,'' the doctor promised. ''The nurse told you that we want to start with kangaroo care today?'' she asked.
Sam nodded and kept stroking Andy's back. ''Yeah, that's safe?'' Sam wondered.
''That's perfectly safe,'' the doctor confirmed. ''If you want it then we need you to take him with you for at least two hours. The transfers can be stressful for your son, so we prefer to let them stay with you for a few hours. Maybe you can bring a sweater from your wife?'' she suggested. ''He'll get to know her scent.''
Everybody in the room looked at the couple on the bed. It was obvious that they loved each other so much. It was also obvious how badly they were both hurting. The nurse cleared her throat and looked at one of the doctors.
''Doctor Smit?'' she asked. ''Is it possible to use a mobile webcam so Mrs. Swarek can look at her son? We sometimes use them for patients who are confused or a danger to themselves, but maybe it could help her too?''
''That's not a bad idea at all,'' the doctor answered. ''Would you like that?''
Andy looked at Sam and when he nodded she looked back at the doctor. ''I would be able to see him?'' she asked. ''All the time?''
''Of course you need to take your rest,'' the nurse informed her. ''But you'll be able to see him when you want to. I know it's not the same as to be with him, but it's something.''
Andy nodded. ''Please,'' she said. ''If you could do that, please.''
''I'll set it up,'' the nurse told them. ''I do need you or your husband to fill out some forms though, because we're not allowed to videotape our patients without consent, but then I'll get the monitor.''
Sam quickly thanked the nurse and told her that he would find her later to sign whatever she needed. Then all the doctors besides the neonatologist left.
She sat down beside the bed and looked at Andy. ''I know it feels like you can't do anything for your baby,'' she told Andy. ''But there is something you can do for him.''
''What?'' Andy asked. ''I'll do anything.''
''Did you two discuss whether you were going to use formula or if you were going to breastfeed Jesse?'' the doctor asked.
Andy looked at Sam and shrugged. ''I was suppose to breastfeed him the first few months, but that's not possible now, right?''
''Not right now,'' the doctor confirmed. ''But you can start with pumping to get your production going. Right now we won't be able to use your milk because you get too much medication, but later on we can give Jesse your milk.''
''Formula isn't bad,'' the doctor continued. ''But we always prefer mother milk because it's easier to digest.''
''Okay,'' Andy said, just happy she could do something for her baby. ''Anything he needs.''
The doctor smiled and covered Andy's hand with hers. ''I promise you that we're doing everything we can for you and Jesse. I'll make sure that the nurse will help you to get your production going and I promise you that we'll let you see him as soon as it's safe.'' With that the doctor left the room.
When she left Sam ran his thumb over Andy's knuckles. ''I'm sorry,'' he said. ''I wished that they had better news for you. ''
Andy nodded and tried to keep the tears at bay. She had read about being hormonal after the delivery, but she hated how much she was crying. ''Do you think someone can get one of my sweaters?'' she asked. ''I like the idea of him smelling me.''
''Sure,'' Sam answered. ''I'll call someone.''
XX
A while later Sam was on his way to the NICU unit again. When he rounded a corner he saw a familiar face standing besides the coffee machine. Normally that face always filled Sam's body with rage, but right now he had other things on his mind.
Becoming a father and almost losing the two most important people in his life had set his priorities straight for him. William was no longer someone he cared about. He could honestly say that he had put everything that happened in the past.
Slowly Sam made his way towards William and when their eyes met, William stilled. He looked at Sam and gave him a small nod. ''Sam,'' he greeted him. ''How is Andy?''
Sam avoided the question, but just looked William in the eye. ''Someone told me that you were with them when they had the accident,'' he said. ''What happened?''
William looked at the floor and shook his head. ''I was on my way to your house. The accident had already happened when I arrived and I didn't even realise that it was Andy until I was already putting pressure on her wound. I know you said..''
''Thank you,'' Sam interrupted him. When William looked confused Sam had to look away for a moment. ''They are my life,'' he told him. ''So if you had anything to do with the fact that they are still here than thank you.''
''How are they?'' William asked. ''Is she okay? How far along is she?''
Doubt washed over Sam as he watched William struggle. That man was responsible for everything that he and Sarah had gone through. He had spend the biggest part of his life hating him. ''They had to do a c-section,'' was all Sam said. ''It was way too early, but he's stable.''
William took in the news and didn't say anything for a moment. ''Can I see him? Just for a minute?'' he asked. ''I know I have no right.''
''No,'' was Sam's immediate answer. He shook his head and looked at William. ''I'm thankful that you helped them, but it doesn't change what you did. I won't let my son or my wife go through any of that.''
William had a pained expression on his face and looked away for a moment. ''I made a lot of mistakes,'' he admitted. ''It's funny how you don't see things like that until it's too late to change anything.''
''You're really sick?'' Sam asked.
William nodded and sighed. ''Probably for the best, right? I don't think anybody will shed a tear after I'm gone. And I guess I can understand that. Haven't brought much good into this world. Except for maybe you and your sister, but I'm not sure how much credit I can take for that.''
''Why did you do it?'' Sam finally asked the question that had been in his head for years. ''Why did you never clean up? We were kids, we needed a stable home.''
''I wish I had an answer for you,'' William answered. ''I guess your mother and I were just incapable. Too young, too stupid and too naive.'' William stared Sam right in the eye for a second and then gave him a short nod. ''Just make sure that you never make the same mistakes that I did.''
''I won't,'' Sam said with a lot of force behind his voice. ''I'll never get it.''
''I guess I can understand that,'' William said. ''I'll be out of your life now,'' he promised. ''I don't have that long left and I'll make sure to stay away from you and your sister. You two don't need me. Not sure you ever needed me in the first place.''
William held out his hand and Sam looked at it. When William realised that Sam wasn't going to shake his hand, he let his shoulders hang. ''Take care of your family son. Make sure there will be no regrets.''
He took his bag from the floor and turned around. Sam stood there motionless as he watched him walk away for the last time. ''William,'' he yelled when he was about to leave the room. ''I hope you'll find your peace.''
For the first time in years William's eyes became a little bit warmer. ''I hope so too son.''
XX
''So?'' Amanda asked when Sam was sitting with Jesse. ''You ready to hold your son?''
Sam nervously swallowed and looked at the incubator that was the home of his son right now. ''I guess so,'' Sam said. ''As long as you know for sure that it's safe.''
''It's safe,'' Amanda confirmed again. She dealt with new parents all the time and she knew the insecurities it brought along. ''Do you want to take him out yourself, or shall we do it?''
''You do it,'' Sam quickly said. When he looked at all the wires attached to his son he knew that it was better to let someone do it who had some experience.
Amanda looked at Jesse and slowly reached out to him. ''We're going to change his diaper first, do you want to help?''
As easy as the task seemed, Sam couldn't help but feel nervous. Jesse was so small and so fragile that every touch seemed too much for him.
As if she could read his mind Amanda spoke up. ''You're not going to break him,'' she said. ''I know he looks fragile, but he can handle more than you'd think. Why don't you just go stand on the other side and we'll do it together. I promise you that you'll be able to do it by yourself in no time.''
Sam walked around the incubator and with Amanda's help he took Jesse's temperature and changed his diaper. ''That wasn't that hard, right?'' Amanda asked. ''You'll be a pro in no time.''
She called over a colleague and told Sam to sit down. ''We'll go and put him with you now. You'll have to take off your shirt but we'll cover you as soon as Jesse is comfortable.''
Sam watched as the two nurses did their job. They guided the little boy out of the incubator for the first time and gently placed him on Sam's chest. They worked on him for a minute to make sure that Jesse was lying comfortable. Then they covered them up with Andy's sweater.
''He's really warm,'' Sam commented.
''That's a good thing,'' Amanda promised. ''We'll take his temperature again in a little while to make sure that this works.'' A smile formed on her lips when she watched father and son together. ''I think he'll fall asleep soon. He's just trying to get comfortable right now. You can talk to him, put your hand on his back. Just do what feels natural. I'll give you two a moment alone.''
''Amanda?'' Sam asked when she was about to turn around. ''Can you turn the webcam?'' he asked. ''I promised my wife that she would see as much as she could.''
''Of course.''
When it was just the two of them Sam gently put his hand on Jesse's back. ''Can you say hi to your mommy?'' Sam asked. He let out a deep breath and let some of the nerves go.
It felt like he finally had some peace. Of course they still had a long road to go, but for the first time in more than 24 hours he felt like everything would end up okay.
It felt good to finally have some closure about his past. And with his future lying on his chest it was much easier to see things in another perspective.
''Your mommy can't wait to meet you buddy,'' Sam whispered. ''If she could, she would knock every doctor down to come get you.''
Sam tried to see if he could get a look on Jesse's face. It was hard to see from his angel, but he noticed that his eyes were open. ''She does that, you know? The first time I saw her she had me pinned to the ground within five minutes.''
A small smile played on his lips as Sam thought about how far they had come. They had been through hell together and apart, but they always came out just a little bit stronger. That's why he knew that things would be okay this time to.
It had to.
Keeping a little faith was all he could do. It kept him going and he knew that his wife and son were now depending on him to be the strong one.
''She picked out your name for you,'' Sam continued talking to Jesse. ''It means 'gift', because that's what you are to us. So you have to do your best to get stronger, okay? And then I promise you that everything will be okay. I'll teach you all about hockey and cars or about anything else you want to know more about.''
''And your mom will teach you how to talk and how to walk. She's going to be there every step of the way.''
XX
That night Sam left the hospital for the first time in almost 40 hours. At first he wanted to stay in the family room again, but Andy convinced him that he needed to go home to get some proper sleep. He had drifted off a few times during the day, but nothing beat sleeping in your own bed.
Everybody was stable and there was nothing more he could do for them.
He was just about to get in his truck when his cell phone rang. ''Swarek,'' he tiredly answered.
''Sam,'' Frank's voice filled his ears. ''How's the family?''
''Stable,'' Sam answered. He never thought that word would become so important. As long as everybody stayed stable things would be okay. ''Andy's had some physical therapy and she was allowed out of bed for a while. She's just really upset that she's not allowed to be in the NICU yet.''
''Do you have a name yet?''
''We do,'' Sam answered with a proud smile. ''We named him Jesse.''
''Congratulations Sam,'' Frank warmly said. ''I know it's not how you envisioned it, but welcome to fatherhood.''
''Thanks Frank.'' Sam leaned his head against his seat and let out a big yawn.
''I know this is far from perfect timing, but if you could come down to the station one of these days..''
''Frank,'' Sam warned. ''I have other things on my mind right now.''
''I know,'' Frank quickly said. ''I know you're taking paternity leave and that's perfectly understandable, but we have someone that will fill your spot until you return. He just needs to go over your latest cases. You know it's not workable to get everything from file.''
Sam sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to even think about work right now, but Frank had a point. Sam was working on a few big cases and those families deserved that it was handled with care. ''Won't be tomorrow,'' he warned. ''But I'll come by later this week.''
''I understand. You're home now?''
''On my way,'' Sam answered. ''I'll see you later Frank.''
''Congratulations again Sammy.''
The ride back to the house was quiet. Sam didn't feel the need to put any music on. He had enough thoughts to keep him occupied.
When he reached the dark house he let himself in and walked upstairs immediately. There was no Boo to walk and the place felt too silent without the dog and Andy there.
After a quick shower Sam let himself fall in the bed for the first time in a long time. Within seconds sleep took over and Sam finally got some rest.
XX
A/N: I promise you that things will only get better for them from here. Enough with all the drama!
I love all your reviews and it would be highly appreciated if you let me know what you think!
Next up: Andy finally gets to meet Jesse too.