Missed me?
Haha yes! Another update!
Also, sorry if I annoy people by replying to their reviews. I know they're rhetorical, but I can't help it!
Mr. Williams parks the car into his space. He shuts off the engine and looks at Matthew. His chest slowly rises and falls, his head turned away from his Father. Mr. Williams smiles lightly and unbuckles his seat belt. He hasn't carried his son in a long time, too long actually, and sleeping for the most part. There was a time when his sweet Matthew had fell off of his new bike when he was young and he came limping back to his father, crying hysterically. Mr. Williams was deeply sadden for son and kissed his forehead, telling him surely that the wound would heal and curried him back into the house. The usual warmth of love made its place into the grown man and Mr. Williams giddily got out of his car.
He lightly closes the red door and walks his way to his son's side. Opening the door, he stands there for a moment and takes a minute stare at Matthew's sleeping position. His cheek was pushed up against he seat belt and he looks quite funny. Laughing to himself, Mr. Williams pushes the red button of the seat belt and quickly catches the boy's head.
Mr. Williams lifts Matthew up, bridal style, and pushes the door with his foot. Taking another glance at Matthew, he quickly adjusts the boy's head, now with his nose nuzzled against the brown coat. Matthew takes a deep breath and exhales, making Mr. Williams smile more.
Mr. Williams walks up the steps slowly and then had a 'how stupid am I' moment. How was he going to open the door? Mr. Williams couldn't reach into his pocket for his keys for the fact that both of his arms were carrying Matthew. Also, he doesn't want to change Matthew's position, knowing he'll wake up from the movements. Even as his Father, Mr. Williams would be slightly embarrassed if Matthew did wake up, having to explain the reason he's carrying him as if he was a damsel in distress.
Mr. Williams chuckles at his new idea. He moves sideways and uses Matthew's limp foot and presses the door bell. Mr. Williams hears few shuffling before the door opens. His wife stood in front of the door and smiles widely.
"Aww, he's sleeping?" She asks rhetorically.
Even so, Mr. Williams' nods and steps into the warm house. He sets his briefcase down and Mrs. Williams' hordes over Matthew.
"Let me carry him! He's so cute!" she whispers lightly. She gently pinches her son's cheeks and coos more.
Mr. Williams shakes his head. "Don't worry, I got him."
Mrs. Williams looks at her husband angrily. She probably had the same thoughts as Mr. Williams did. They both haven't carried Matthew in a state like this for a while. Her face relaxes and she kisses her son's cheek.
Just as she moves back from the boy's cheek, Matthew head shifts position. His breath hitches and slowly, a tear trickles down his closed eyes. His brows scrunches in discomfort and he pouts his lips in his sleep.
"Nnh…" Matthew mumbles.
Mrs. Williams pouts as well. "He must be having a bad dream."
Mr. William looks down at his son. Only for an injury, he has seen his son cry. Mr. Williams frowns as he walks up the stairs gently. Watching as his son grew up, Mr. Williams come to the conclusion that his son wasn't like any other boys. He was more sensitive and more…softer. Matthew didn't play any sports (except for Hockey, which Mr. Williams made Matthew into), didn't curse (though grateful), or hide porno magazines under his bed. Mr. Williams even planned to have 'the talk' if he did find any. Matthew is just so shy and innocent. He was flustered even over a kissing scene when watching a movie (Mr. Williams was just passing through and found Matthew looking uncomfortable at the screen, and then change the channel quickly).
Mr. Williams lightly kicks the door open with his foot and walks into Matthew's room. He sighs and places his son on the bed. He first takes off his shoes and then gently lifts his body up, hand behind his back and head. Mr. Williams slowly takes off the boy's favorite red hoodie and throws it on the floor. Mr. Williams as well takes off his own coat.
Just as he was about to leave, Mr. Williams hears Matthew's breath hitch again. He turns around and observes Matthew. Matthew was now on his side, his hand in a prayer, under his head and his knees up to his chest. More tears trickle under his closed eyes and he's biting his lips, as if he's in pain. Frowning again, Mr. Williams leisurely walks over to his son.
He wipes the tears from Matthew's face and runs his hand over Matthew's head, petting him. Matthew's breath hitches again and buries his brow in, this time, a look of hurt. Mr. Williams, sulking again, gently puts strands of hair behind Matthew's ear. Bringing a blanket over his body, he then bends over and gives his son a quick kiss on his temple.
Then he slowly walks out of the room, quietly closing the door. Whatever the dream was, it concerned Mr. Williams.
I wake up to feeling hot. While turning around, I wince in pain as my head throbs. Coughing feverishly, I groan as each cough burns the inside of my throat. Trying to sit up, I fail as the rush of a headache pushes me back down. I push the blankets off as I drift back to a groggy sleep.
"Matthew? Oh god, you're hot!" I heard Mother's voice.
I groan and slowly feel her hand on my forehead. I cough again and she tsks.
"You're sick Matthew. I blame your Father…"
Not even bothering to open my eyes, I turn my body away from Mother. Ignoring her words, I pulled the blanket over my body and burry my face under the thick fabric. I just want to sleep and her voice is giving me a migraine.
I hear her talking some more and she calls Father to the room.
"He's sick?" Father asks. Hearing the floor board squeak, I clear my throat. I swallow my saliva in attempt to moisten my throat.
I groan again as cold hands meet my forehead.
"Let me sleep…" I mutter, gripping the sheets.
"He's not that hot…besides, it's a Friday." Father states.
I can practically see Mother pout. "But he has a fever. Matthew, do you want to go to school?" Mother asks me.
Turning my head, I see Mother and Father dressed for work. Father makes the last touches to his tie and tightens it. I shake my head lightly, not wanting to reactivate the headache.
"No, my head hurts." My voice comes out croaking.
Mother pouts and I shift my head to the usual positions. "Just stay in bed okay? I'll make you some oatmeal for breakfast and leave some medicine on the counter."
She kisses my head and wipes the wet mark. Mother always had a habit of doing that, kisses me somewhere and then wipes it away.
"Pancakes?"
Oatmeal was too disgusting, unless it was Quaker Oats and it was the maple flavor.
"Okay Mattie, whatever you want." Mother smiles and kisses my cheek once again. I nod slowly and hear the door shut.
I rub my temples slowly and my forehead. I had to get sick.
Actually…getting sick is perfect today… My conscious says.
You're right. My thoughts quickly drift to yesterday unintentionally.
Gilbert.
Gilbert's kiss.
Ivan.
Oh god Ivan!
He…
He probably can assume that I'm gay.
I burry my head more into my pillow. I squeeze my eyes in embarrassment. My throat tightens and my eyes threaten to tear up. I force myself not to cry, at least not when both my parents are home.
My secret is out. Ivan knows. He heard my lewd moans and even saw me cry. The tears finally spill as the door shuts loudly with Mother yelling 'get plenty of sleep!'.
What am I going to do?
My hand turns into a fist and I pound the side of my pillow.
"No, no, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO!" The last few words were screamed in anger, with tears pouring out.
I lay flat on my back and lick the salty tears. I cover my face and run my nails down hard.
"Why…! Please, god…anyone….WHY?"
I grinded my teeth as the tears continue to roll. I breathe through my mouth and wipe my eyes. Getting a little hungry, I slowly sit myself up.
My head wobbles around and I stay still.
This headache is killing me…
Sighing, I grip the bed's wooden board and as slowly as I can, try to stand up. I hiss as the throbbing comes, but it's subtle. I shuffle to my dresser and strip my clothes. I'm guessing I slept in the car, since I haven't changed my uniform.
Gently taking off my shirt, I drop it to the floor and open the drawer. I gasp at the cold air brushes my skin. I grab a baggy shirt, my comfiest pajama pants and slowly dress into them.
Dragging my feet, I slowly walk to the kitchen, clutching random furniture to support my wobbling body. True to her words, Mother has made stacks of pancakes on the table. Passing the kitchen and going to the bathroom, I hurriedly splash cold water on my face. I grab the toothpaste and toothbrush.
I brush my teeth slowly, deep in thought.
What would Ivan do with this new information about me? Tears fall silently down my face.
I…
I tried so hard…!
Spitting into the sink, I stare into the mirror.
Did Gilbert follow me to the daycare? He must've had.
Why does he torment me?
I can name an immense amount of people who is much weaker than me, and Gilbert chooses me? He never inflicted physical pain to me before, just his words and action. Thinking about it over, I'm grateful, just a little bit, that he hasn't beaten me. I can imagine him kicking me, punching and hitting me with objects. I know he's capable of that.
But that fact doesn't console me. Gilbert made me feel like crap with his blackmailing. Scratch that, he made me want to die. When he forced me to give him a blow job, I vomited until I saw specks of blood. As if a chain reaction, I remember his moans. Recalling where I am, I turn the water off and rinse my mouth.
Maybe he's gay too…
Lifting my head up quickly, bump the back of my head on the cabinet.
Gilbert…homosexual?
No, that's way out of his league. The throbbing pain quickly comes back. I press my forehead to the porcelain sink, trying to stay still so that the pain would die down.
Gilbert cannot be homosexual. Even if he was, at least not for me. When I serviced him, I could feel all the negative emotions he felt for me through his actions. It was obvious, his words was just an accessory.
My stomach grumbles in hunger and I lift my head up. I slowly walk to the kitchen and sit down. I touch the pancakes and they seem to be warm enough to eat. Taking the syrup, I dump the thick substance gradually, watching it fall bit by bit.
"Trust me Matvey."
And Ivan…I want to believe his words, but in my mind, I can't. I'm truly terrified that those words would turn into lies. Terrified that his calm, beautiful lilac eyes would turn into a vehemence of red and black, just screaming the words 'disgusting' and 'faggot' without even mouthing them.
But deep in my heart, there's a little hope that he'll save me. I don't know from what, Gilbert most likely, but he would just hug me, comfort me with his voice, just like yesterday. But the first thought overrules the second.
Bringing my mind back to my breakfast, I swipe the syrup from the cap with a finger and suck it clean. Looking back at my pancakes, I curse at myself for not bringing any utensils. Now used to moving, I walk normally to the kitchen drawer, brink a fork and butter knife, and wash it thoroughly.
There is nothing to do. Honestly, there isn't. I have read all the books I checked out from the library (looks like it needs to be returned soon), watch all the recordings on the DVR and even made a little effort on cleaning my room.
Sighing, I turn on my laptop. Guess I'll just surf the web. I don't have a gaming system (which I don't want in the first place), so the using laptop is my only means of wasting time.
Opening Mozilla Firefox, I debate with myself on what to do. I could watch Youtube videos, play some PC games I have downloaded, or check my email. I don't even know why I bothered to make an email. No one really messages me, just some automatic email from a bot.
Clicking randomly on links, I unintentionally fall into a like page on Facebook.
I wonder if my classmates have a Facebook….
I once considered making a Facebook, but it's too awkward for me. I dislike internet slag like 'LOL' or 'SMH'. I don't see the point in it. I like talking to people face to face. Besides, I don't think anyone would notice if I even had one, or add me as a friend.
Smirking, I type in Elizabeta's name. Looking through the pictures, I find it. Clicking on it, I laugh at her profile picture. It's a picture of her in an apron, smiling and holding a pan. Who knew she could cook? Her personality deceives her.
Skimming over her page, I spot Lilli's name. Clicking on the name, I stare harder at the picture. It's a picture of her and another person who looks exactly like her, like a twin. The only distinguishing this that makes me tell her apart is her hair ribbon. I look at the male next to her.
I click the picture and roll my mouse over his face. There's a tag and it says Big Brother =]
So this was her brother she was talking about. I decided to look over her photos and click the photo button, but accidently click on Info.
Relationship Status: Single
I rub my eyes. Did I see right? I refresh the page and scroll back to those three words. It didn't change.
I'm slightly confused…
Didn't girls get overly excited and change their relationship status on social networks like these? The result is getting likes and comments from the status update, right? So why is Lilli single? Obviously her last status update was a week ago, telling everyone she couldn't wait for the arrival of her brother.
Is she trying to hide our relationship from the public?
A cough rips my throat. Taking a second to calm the itch down, I glance back at the screen. I don't even have an account here, but is she trying to tell me something? Guilt seeps through me.
I'll be actually glad if she did…
That thought adds to my guilt. Why can't I just break up with her? I rub my temples, this whole new information hurting my brain.
Oh that's right...she's just a cover up…
I want to end this 'relationship'. I don't want to hurt her more. Lilli is such a sweet girl, she deserves better.
Maybe I should break up with her online.
I shake my head at the thought. I started watching this show called Guy Code and they had a segment about break ups. Though they were comical about it, a woman made her commentary saying it's better to talk face to face.
How would Lilli react? Just thinking about her personality, she would probably cry. I wouldn't want her to cry. Elizabeta would probably beat me up too. I've seen Elizabeta in action and I don't want a piece of that.
I grimace at my new idea, but now I type in Gilbert's name. Immediately, his name is there in the search box. I hesitate to click it. Should I? What do I even want to look at? I click it anyway, holding in my breath.
First I see a status just hour ago:
Awesome me going 2 school. fuck my life, finally its friday!
My face immediately forms a poker face.
I'm here, so now what?
Oh I know!
I scroll down till I see a 'Family' section. In there, I look for a certain person. My heart beats twice when I see the name.
Younger Brother:
Ludwig - the Un-awesome.
Wait…younger?
Ludwig is the younger brother? He looks older and acts so much more mature than Gilbert! I scoff and rub my neck. What a surprise! But wait, if Gilbert is older, then why was he in freshman? He probably got left back, judging from the poor grades he got. My sneering dies down as thoughts of Ludwig come into mind.
I haven't seen him act like Gilbert. He's much more of a serious person. Maybe only with Feliciano and that junior, Kiku, that he gets to show his true self. Feliciano sticks to him like metal and magnets. At times he seems annoyed at the Italian, but I once catched him with an embarrassed look on his face with a small blush. Hell, even Feliciano was lucky enough to get a smirk from him. Since the time from the basketball game, I almost forgot about Ludwig, but now it's refreshed into my mind. Does Ludwig know I'm gay? Does he even know I used to go to that school?
Another cough rips the insides of my throat. I'm guessing I'm safe from him. He and I don't talk much, only when Feliciano drags him over to a group, he then makes a comment.
Shutting off the computer, I roll myself to bed.
Everything is just so confusing now…
Looking around, I see an extensive hallway. There was no furniture to hold vases full of flowers or paintings hanging on the wall, just a drab hallway. I have an awful feeling about going down it, but my feet moves on its own accord. My body quickly turns to face a door and my arm reaches out to turn the door knob.
My heart beats in fear. What's behind this door? Where am I? While thinking about these questions, my body automatically steps into the room.
Immediately, I catch a glimpse of the room, regular furniture and whatnot, before it turns to smoke and fades away. Everything around me turns black.
Panicking, I look around.
'Hello…?'
Two hands are roughly placed on my shoulders and turn my around. I fall to the ground and feel my hands pin up. Instantly, I start shaking. My body heats up and my breath is cut short. All at once, I try to utter words.
'GAH..! N-n-n-n-o! Gi-Gi-Gilbert…s-s-s-stop!'
Gilbert only smiles and looks up. "Ludwig, help me out."
Tears fall down my face. In just of a blink of an eye, I feel another hand grasp my arms and my clothes are all off, except for my underwear.
Gilbert is in his underwear as well. His pale body flushes red in heat, his eyes looking lustful. He pulls my legs around him and starts rubbing his crotch to mine. Gasping at the friction, I turn my head, anywhere than looking at Gilbert, and see Ivan there, looking at me with disgust. In just a flicker, he disappears.
Gilbert rubs hard and hasty, panting each time. All the while, I moan loudly, in disbelieving pleasure. I look up and see Ludwig, no expression on his face, and then he vanishes as well. Gilbert then pulls my arms and I straddle him. My mind is telling me to run but my body doesn't submit.
"Ohh, Matthew~!"
I cringe as his moans make me hornier.
He takes a hand to my chest and starts pinching my nipples, teasing them. Involuntarily, I rub against him, mimicking his actions. Gilbert smirks and he brings both his hands to my hips. He grips my hips and bucks his hip forward, helping me with the rubbing.
I let out a final moan as I-
I jolt out of my bed, panting. Right away I dig my hand into my underwear. I pull out and see a sticky substance on my fingertips.
That was a dream?
It felt so real…
Panting, I rush to the bathroom. On my way, I glance at the clock.
2:47 AM
I curse at myself as I close the door. I got hard from a dream and Gilbert in it no less. Turning the water just in case someone hears me, I pull my pants down. I don't want to look down there, no. It's disgusting, getting hard from a dream and a guy in it. It's just like the time at the train station!
Staring at the ceiling, I slowly slide down on the floor. I bite my lips and slowly touch myself, almost uncertainly. I gasp at the contact and quickly run my hands up and down. I want this gone. I hated that Ludwig and Ivan were in it too. I bite my lips to suppress a moan.
Ivan's face, oh how it pains me. Tears fall silently and I take my shirt to my mouth to get better room. How can I get a dream like that? I've only watched porn once, so I shouldn't be in the mood. I pump my hands faster. My stomach bubbles and I can feel the back of my throat taste like acid. Ludwig also, my tiny fear of him replaces to vast terror. It felt like he helped in a rape.
It's not disgusting, if it was, you wouldn't be erect and jerking off right now…
I scream into the shirt, silencing the evil voice in my head.
It's not true, it's not true!
The shirt falls out of my mouth as I give a low groan. My hand suddenly feels warm and I could sense the white goo drool out of the sides of my hand. The acid feeling behind my throat grows and I rush to the toilet.
I heave out a small amount of vomit. I close my eyes; I don't want to see it. It'll only make me feel worse. I breathe deeply, though hating the after taste. Taking a few minutes, I flush and slowly stand up, pulling up my pants as well.
Putting my hand in the running water, I watch the white substance wash away. Sadly, it slowly washes away and it makes me shudder at the slimy feeling it gives. Once the material is gone, I grab the hand pump soap. I pump the pink soap till it's layered to the metal pipe and start rubbing.
I feel so disgusting, repulsive, nasty and all those synonyms. I'm a pervert for thinking of a dream like that. My mind kept replaying to Gilbert's moan…
"Ohh, Matthew~!"
Stop! It wasn't real! That wasn't his real voice, just my imagination. Yeah, I'm right; it's just in my head.
Even if I try to console myself, tear still pour down my face. Cupping the cold water into my hands, I splash my face, and then rinse my mouth thoroughly. Drying quickly, I run to my bed, wanting the sleep to come back. My fever has died down and it's a Sunday, so I don't want to be late tomorrow.
But at the same time, I do.
I make sure I am late to homeroom. Well, late enough so that at least everyone is in. I quickly walk in and try to sit in my seat before anyone talks to me. I'm not in the mood to speak to anyone, especially after what happened at the storage room and my dream.
Before I sat down, I was clutched by a pair of hands.
"Matthew~! Oh it's good to see you!" Elizabeta's voice booms, hugging me from behind.
I gasp at where Elizabeta's hands are. Her arms are looped around my waits and her hands are folded in front of my zipper. I know she didn't do it on purpose, but I let out a little shriek and push her away.
Unintentionally, she pushes me back in surprise and I stumble backwards. I close my eyes, expecting the back of my head to bounce against the floor, but my head instead bumps into something softer.
Looking up, I meet Ivan's amethyst eyes.
"Matvey, are you okay?"
Immediately, I stand up and Elizabeta pouts. "All I wanted was a hug, no need to act like that!"
I glance at Ivan, who is now taking his seat next by me. Before he can notice, I look at Elizabeta.
"S-sorry, you just surprised me."
With more pouting, she leaves.
"T-thank you…Ivan." I stand there like a fool, scratching my arm.
Ivan gives me his usual smile, but I can tell it's a little different. "Da, no problem Matvey."
Awkwardly, I sit down and Mr. Wade walks in. I now peek at Ludwig, for no apparent reason at all. He's at the moment, taking out his notebook. When I see him turn around, I grab my bag and take out my stuff as well, acting like I wasn't staring at him.
"Hey Lilli, how are you today?"
I've decided to go to the library during lunch, well more to avoid Ivan and Ludwig, mostly Ivan. Lilli is sitting at the far end of the table, reading a book. I take the notebooks in my hand and place them gently on the table, as well as sitting down.
Lilli looks up from reading and smiles kindly. I push the horrible feeling as down as I can as I smile back at her. Being polite to her isn't a problem, since I'm courteous to everyone; it's just that the feeling of guilt and the trickery I'm doing to her keeps coming up more frequently. But I'm a little uncomfortable around her now as well, since I know about her online activates.
"Hello Matthew, I'm doing good, thank you for asking! Sorry I haven't been hanging out with you as much…" She trails off and sets her book down.
"I understand. It must feel special to have an older sibling, since I'm an only child." I make an inner frown. Sometimes I did wish I had a sister or a brother, either older or younger, doesn't matter to me.
Maybe someone as adorable as Natalia~…
The thought of Natalia quickly shifts to Ivan, Gilbert, the daycare center and the dream all at once. I take a deep breath, trying to calm down the decreasing beats of my heart. I bite my lips as Lilli continues to talk.
"It's been a long time since I've seen my big brother; his name is Vash," Lilli says, adding quickly. "I have a really close relationship to him and I really love him!"
Her last words make me feel a little lonely. Now I wish I had a sibling.
"Oh, that really nice." I say blandly. I have nothing else to say.
She gives me a wide grin. "Do you want to hang out again?" Lilli offers.
"I know this skating rink; we can go to that, if you like…"
"I've never known we had a skating rink around…sure, I'll love to go! But I've never skated before." Lilli frowns.
"It's okay; I can teach you if you want to learn. It's easy once you get the hang of it." I smile genially at her. Anything involving skates and ice gets me fired up!
"That sounds nice, but I have something this weekend. How about the week after that?"
Before I can give a proper reply, the bell rings. Lilli picks up her things and stand up. Nodding to her, I tidy up as well.
Well, another 'date' with Lilli. At least this one will be more fun since it involves me going to the ice. Speaking of skating, I've been dying for another Hockey match, but our coach has broken his back and all we have been doing is train more. I let out a big sigh. Hockey is the only thing I can really show my manlier side, I can push people, punch them and hurt them any other way possible. All of it can slide since it's a sport, and in Hockey overall, it's more about the blood spreading on the ice. At least that's why people come to the games right?
Speaking of hockey, I started noticing that my muscles are growing. Well, nothing that'll turn me into a big macho man, but much more than my bony self when I was in freshman. I can now actually do at least 35 pushups and can touch both ends of the rink 20 times till I get tired.
Lilli and I both part and I head to my class. I scowled in my head. Why do I have another class with Ivan? It's not that I hate him now; I don't really since he showed me his sweet kindness that day, but everything feels so wrong now. Even if it's just a little bit, Ivan seems to have a different view of me now.
Of course he does...
You're gay, he knows and he's curious...
I can feel my eyes moisten up. The evil thought pops into my head again.
Do you remember the dream...?
Ivan looked at you with disgust...
His smiles this morning were false and you know it...
Deep inside, he-
Thankfully, the evil voice stops as the door to my class slightly pushes me. I look up and see Ivan walking in.
"Sorry Matvey." Ivan looks at me with his kind smile.
He's fakin-
"Oh, sorry, my bad, really." I glance up at him. Ivan smile is still planted on his face as he opens the door for me.
Just like for a lady…
Blushing at the embarrassing thought and action, I give him a small 'thank you' and walk in. Grateful that our teacher hasn't assigned seats, I sit in the far corner of the front row, anywhere than Ivan sits. I'm more thankful that Ivan decides to sit away from me too. Even if he's still nice to me, I can tell it's also uncomfortable for him to sit by me as well.
The lecture goes on for a few minutes, but I feel the strong urge to use the bathroom. I raise my hand and ask politely if I may go and the teacher nods. I push the door open and walk down the hall leisurely. Public bathrooms are really nasty. I can't remember the last time I used it, also for the fact that boys are taking out their -you-know-what- so it makes me feel uneasy to be around that.
I rush to the bathroom quickly and go into the stalls. I don't even use the urinals. The show Guy Code comes to mind again. They made a segment of bathrooms and stated that 'If a guy uses a urinal, and another guy comes, and there's a space between them, you don't want to be that guy.' On that statement they showed drawing of an arrow pointing at a guy, above him saying 'You' and is peeing in the toilet.
I laugh at the memory. I've been watching that show lately, or more like taking notes. They actually say what a true man should act like. Well, since it's for adults, they talk about beers and smoking, but that just slips over my head.
I push the lever with my foot and open the stall. Taking a few seconds of washing and whipping my hands, the doors swing open. I turn my head at the distraction and my eyes widen.
"Matvey, we need to talk."
Ivan stands in front of the door. I throw the paper towel away and clear my throat, attempting to hide the apprehensive feeling that forms.
"W-w-what do you want to talk about?" I ask.
Ivan walks forward and opens his mouth but I interrupt him.
"Can't this w-w-wait later?" I quickly add.
Why do I start stuttering?
Ivan shakes his head. "нет, it cannot."
I take a deep breath. What does he want to talk about? I really don't want to tell him my orientation or anything about Gilbert. It's too shameful and embarrassing to explain that he blackmailed and tormented me.
"About you and Lilli…" Ivan trails off.
My heart beats frantically. A conversation about Lilli is uncomfortable as well. I don't know what he is going to ask, but he might find me as a horrible person, that I used her. I turn the other way, not wanting to look at him.
"W-what about L-Lilli?"
"What you are doing to her is wrong."
I snap my head at the comment. Though his voice sounds somewhat angry, his face remains calm.
"W-w-what do you mean?"
Nothing else comes to mind except for these stupid questions. I know exactly what he means. My brows scrunch in anxiousness.
"You are attracted to men but here you are dating Lilli." He says bluntly.
Ivan face remained calm, but his tone shows mockery and sounds confused at the same time.
I feel lightheaded. I will myself not to squeeze my eyes; it would only make tears fall. It would also make me look weak. Should I go for the moronic questions? It would irritate him for sure, he already knows this much.
"I'm not gay."
Thank god I didn't stutter.
Looking unconvinced, Ivan walks forward. With nervousness and panic, I move backwards. Ivan doesn't stop till he's in front of me and my back against the lime bathroom tiles.
"What you are doing to her is wrong," Ivan repeats. I look up at him, feeling smaller by the second. "It is not nice for you to toy around with her heart. I don't know what happened that day; I do want to know, but-"
I turn my face away from him. "I'm not telling you anything."
From the corner of my eyes, I can see Ivan's face now churn in anger. "How long are you going to keep this up? Keeping your past, your secrets? This is too much to go unnoticed."
I grit my teeth and stare at him. My eyes blur to the tears already forming.
"It's better if you don't know."
My heart cringes at my own words. I want someone to talk to, to actually sob without having to quickly clean myself up, scared that someone would find me in that state. Any form of comfort. But in contrary, I can't open up. Whoever I tell will find me repulsive and inhumane. I can already imagine their reaction:
'Eww…you're a gay? Get away from me!'
'All gays should die.'
'God hates all faggots.'
It's an endless amount of suffering words.
But not on the same level as Gilbert….
"Trust me Matvey."
My eyes widen at his words. Ivan looks at me, his eyes pleading and worrying.
And with pity…
I shut my eyes and instantly bring my palms to my face. I feel the tears drench my hands and run through my fingers. My body shakes softly. The evil voice continues.
He's only playing therapist…
He doesn't want to help you at all, he feels enforced to do so…
Besides, who doesn't want to help a fag…?
You see documentaries about that happening all the time…
The evil voice even had the power to chuckle. It gave a low, hoarse snigger, as if it was a smoker. I even wonder how I gave it that kind of voice. I take in deep breaths through my mouth, not wanting a hitched breathing. Then I feel Ivan's arm wrap around me, immediately I freeze.
"I want to help you Matvey. Let me help you. Trust me."
The evil voice's words run through my mind again.
'He doesn't want to help you at all, h-'
"I-I-I-I ne-ee-d to g-get to clas-ss." I pause between words. Talking now makes it hard for me because I am crying a bit.
Ivan gradually lets go. He frowns again and slowly lifts his hand. I flinch hard at the sudden action.
Is he going to smack me?
Ivan instead, brings his hands to my wet cheeks and wipes. I stand still, not knowing what to do. He continues till both of my cheeks are dry.
"I'm sorry." He whispers.
With that he leaves, leaving me in the bathroom. Just as he leaves, another boy enters and I quickly go to the sink and splash my face.
I don't want to look like I was crying.
I feel like that's such a short chapter =[
Oh, Important:
*The reason why I included Mr. Williams: I think automatically, Fathers and sons have a bond. Can you think the rest?
*Italics will also be Matthew's evil voice. Make your own inference without me telling you.
Hehe, I'm also gonna try to include much detailed sexy scenes as possible. xD
REVIEW NOW!