A/N:

I kind of had writer's block, either that or I was lazy.

So I'm somewhat sorry that I updated to slow, but really, would you rather have a (1) a deliberate story or (2) you're happy with the quick update but you find things that make no sense or some errors. I also have to go back and fix them.

But anyway...here is chapter 7! I'm happy how it turned out.

(Also, I also published another story called The Evil Within so please check that out as well!)

Important:

Regarding the evil voice Matthew has...it kind of mixes up with his normal thought so I added something different:

* `Insert text here...

This _`_ thingie. Evil voice also has _..._ at the end.

If you can already tell the difference between the evil voice & normal thoughs, I congratulate you.

After school, I immediately went home. Without a second thought, I boarded the train. I texted my Father informing him that I wouldn't be at the daycare today. He replied saying a simple ok.

Now I'm in my room crying.

My chest tightens every breath I take. The throbbing in my temples doesn't help at all. I'm starting to hate the pain that comes to my temples when I cry. It just happens now. It's like someone is taking two sledge hammers to my temples and squeezing them as close as they can, as if they want my brain to burst out of my scalp.

A whole plate full of guilt and apprehension rushes to me. I push my back to the door and bring my knees to my chest, hugging them. Mother wouldn't be home till 6 PM, the same for Father. I can cry as loud as I want, but I don't. I grit my teeth as a few gasp hiccups out of me.

Ivan…

He had to mention Lilli. He just had to! My temples beat at the thought of the situation. Ivan figured everything out. It's like he just ruined a very deliberate plan. All my trying to fit in, all of the lying and the fake smiles…

Ruined…

My mind reels back to my old school. The memory of all the kids finding out about my sexual orientation, them surrounding me, trapping me, all came back. Them pushing me around and yelling insults.

Laughing at me…

Looking at me with disgust.

My chest tightens more and I gasp for air. I cough at the feeling. Ivan ruined it. He ruined everything. Screw his nice words now.

I hate him…

The tears well up more and run down my face.

No…!

Forget what I said! I didn't mean it. Oh, how I want his hugs now. I want to hug him and take a deep inhalation of his scent. The smell of summer green grass. The fragrance of a breeze running through a sunflower field.

My mind tumbles back to my conversation with Lilli at the library.

The date…

I don't want to go to that date anymore. I just want to be left alone. I wish I never said anything in the first place. Everything would've been fine. I could've hidden my sexual orientation without having to date Lilli.

What Ivan said was true:

"What you are doing to her is wrong. It is not nice for you to toy around with her heart…"

I cringe as my chest tightens again. I'm a horrible person. I'm inhumane and disgusting for a whole lot of reasons. My mistakes are far too big to fix. I don't think I want to live anymore…

`Commit suicide…

`That's the fate of a filthy homosexual…

"SHUT UP!" I scream through my tears.

I clench my hands into a fist and punch the floor. I feel a burning ting on my knuckles. I bring my hands to my face and take a little glance. I see pieces of small skin dangling from my knuckles. It's red and a trickle of blood rolls down.

I take my knuckles to the floor again and twist. I grit my teeth as it burns.

`What's next…?

`Cutting yourself…?

It won't stop! That voice just won't give up! I sob loudly at it's remarks. My own mind is suggesting suicide? Even if it's a wicked voice, how can it propose such a thing?

I feel a dampness around me knees. I lift my head slightly from me knees and look. It takes a moment for my sight to adjust since I pressed my eyes hard on it. Once the blurring and the black spots calm down, I stare at my knees.

It's damp, that whole area of my pants is wet. I rub the back of my hand across my eyes and then my running nose. I take a deep breath and rest my head on my door, staring at the ceiling.

Slowly, I stand up. I hold onto the dresser nearby as I feel a rush of dizziness. Once the dizziness calms down, I unhurriedly strip my clothes. Picking up my lump of home clothes from the corner of my room, I dump my uniform into the hamper in my bathroom.

Once that is done, I wet my face with cold water and blow my nose. I run my fingers through my hair and sigh. I have to stop crying. It just makes me feel weak.

Sitting at my desk now, I take my book bag and take my homework out.

It should take my mind off of everything...

"Natalia missed you."

It was dinner time and all of us were eating in peace. A few small talk between my Mother and Father was made, asking each other how their day went and a few to me. I gulp down what I was eating.

"She was?" I ask, feeling bad.

"Who's Natalia?" My Mother asks. She takes a forkful of peas and chews.

"Natalia is a child at the daycare center," Father answers. He takes a gulp of water before continuing. "Natalia and Matthew have a good relationship, so when he wasn't here today, she was a bit sad."

I blush at the statement. I wouldn't say I was great around kids, but I'm nice enough. But instead of Natalia, my mind wanders to Ivan. He was probably expecting me too, waiting. He'll probably want to talk to me. I look and feel like such a coward! I was just running away from my problems.

But what would happen if Gilbert was there again? I don't want to experience that again, I'll rather die. What would Ivan do if he saw Gilbert? Ivan would probably question him, even worse, ask about my past.

"Aww~! That's so sweet Matthew!"

My blush deepens when Mother coos at me. I shove the peas into my mouth, not wanting to talk.

I notice that Father made a frown. "You'll come tomorrow, right Mattie?" Father asks, almost pleadingly. I take another glance at him and I see he's joking with me! He has a smirk planted right on his face.

"Y-yeah." I answer simply.

All conversations dies down as we finish our meals.

Okay.

Act normal.

Taking a deep breath, I exhale as I open the door of my classroom. I decide to act as if nothing happened. The chat in the bathroom between me and Ivan never existed.

It never happened.

I sit down into my seat slowly. I stay still, hoping Elizabeta would not attack me today.

"Good morning Matthew~!"

I spoke too soon.

I turn around and flinch as Elizabeta moves. I expect her to hug me, but instead, she runs her hand through my hair gently.

"Is something wrong?" she asks, her brows scrunching in concern.

I bite my tongue immediately. If I start talking, I know I'll start stuttering. Elizabeta frowns more.

"I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I relax my tense posture and take Elizabeta's hand off of my head.

"Um…no reason. I just felt like you've been down lately. Also," Elizabeta leans in next to my ear. "I noticed you and Ivan were acting kind of distant lately." She whispers.

My body tenses and she pulls her head back, watching my reaction. I took a deep breath and exhale, I don't want her thinking anything.

I shake my head. "No, nothing is wrong…"

As if on cue, I see Ivan's pink scarf from the corner of my eyes. Elizabeta stands up, a small smile on her face and leaves. I swallow hard as Ivan sits down.

Did he hear us?

From the corner of my eyes, I can see Ivan sit calmly. I notice him lean forward, placing his chin into his palms. I whip my eyes back to the front.

That's odd…

He would usually say his morning greetings to me. Ivan would usually act…normal, as if nothing happened. He would turn to me and smile at least.

Ivan is kind of acting the same when I first met him when I came to this school…

But since that talk the other day, it seems that he was angry when he spoke, irritated and confused as well. Maybe when something really bothers him, he acts this way perhaps? After all, I only know him in school; he may be acting totally different once he gets outside. My mind mentally crushes the notion.

He shouldn't be angry!

Ivan shouldn't butt in.

It's none of his concern.

My chest tightens. A tiny part of me wants Ivan to interfere. The thoughts I was thinking the other day flood my mind. It's like everything is a tug of war. A part of me doesn't want Ivan at all in my business, but on the other side, I want Ivan to help me.

I bury my brows at the random mess of thoughts in my head. Why does everything have to be so complicated for me?

There can only be one explanation:

Gilbert.

The fury towards him quickly runs through my veins. I take a shaky inhale as I try to calm myself down. God, every thought in my head always turns to Gilbert. I don't even have to try, it just comes naturally. I was fine during the middle of summer vacation, I haven't though of him since once throughout my healing.

Isn't this school kind of faraway from my old one?

My eyes widen at the mental question. That's right, it is. Well, it's not like I made a drastic move, maybe about a one hour away from school. Either way, how can Ludwig come here?

My eyes travel to Ludwig. He's currently talking to Elizabeta. As brothers, they live together right? It's possible, though, their parents might be divorced and they live separately. But still, just like the day when Ivan found out my erogenous zone, I heard Gilbert was there.

My brows scrunch down to an angry expression. Ivan found out my erogenous zone! How embarrassing is that! He must've been laughing at me that day, or thinking I'm weird. I can't let anyone else find out about it.

I run my hands through my hair and unintentionally look at Ivan. I flinch as I see him look at me too.

"H-hey Ivan. G-good morning…" I stutter.

I don't want to just look at him and turn back, no, that'll be rude. Maybe if I just say good morning, he'll return to normal?

"доброе утро…Matvey." Ivan whips his head back, signaling that this was the end of our conversation.

My lips curve to a frown and I face forward in my seat. Guess that didn't work out. Maybe he is angry and all. But he should understand somewhat! Doesn't he have secrets he doesn't want to share?

Does he?

I've been trying to look for Lilli. I wanted to ask her about our date. Even if I don't want to go, I don't want her suspecting anything. It also proves to Ivan that I'm not gay. I hate myself now when I couldn't convince…no dissuade Ivan that I don't like other guys. So now, my other option is to continue dating Lilli. Trying to break up with her or anything near ending this relationship is out of the question.

I don't have one class with her at all, except for meeting her in homeroom and in gym. Its lunch time now and I'm wondering if I can find her in the library again. I also notice her trying to avoid me. Lately, this has happened more and more. Once I spot her somewhere in the hall, she would momentarily look at me and quickly turn her head back to the person she was talking to. Lilli would then look like she realize something and I can hear her say 'Oh…!, and she would walk away, before I can get to her.

`She's ignoring you because she found out you're gay…

I bite my lips at the evil voice. I was dreading that he wouldn't come today, but my prayers weren't answered. The sentence brought panic to me. That wouldn't be true! No one else knows about my sexual orientation…

No one except Ivan…

`That's right…

`Ivan told Lilli…

I shake my head. I shouldn't listen to him! Now his statement brought the feeling of worry. Ivan wouldn't, would he? I see no reason he would, unless…

Unless he wanted to confirm both of our relationship. Maybe after the talk in the bathroom, he confronted Lilli and probably asked her if she knew I was homosexual. It's possible he would, he did say I shouldn't treat her the way I'm treating her now.

My thoughts were interrupted when I see a purple ribbon tied to someone's hair. It's Lilli and she just walked past me! I run up to her and touch her shoulder. Lilli flinches at the contact and swats the hand away when she turns around.

I rub my hand and try not to gasp out in pain. She does hit hard, she seems more like the gentle type. Her surprised and angry faces calms down but then I see something else in her eyes.

Is that dread I see?

"Oh uh…sorry if I startled you, I just wanted to talk to you abo-"

"Sorry Matthew." Lilli interrupts, and then sighs. The sigh sounds like she's tired, and maybe a hint of…annoyance?

What's going on?

`She found out you're gay…

"About that date, I can't go." She says bluntly, and then walks away. I was about to walk after her and ask her why, but then she broke into a jog.

What was that?

I…

I…

That…

What was that?

`You're 'girlfriend' doesn't want to speak to you…

`Especially after finding out you're a faggot…

`She thinks you're disgusting and she hates you…

`Who wouldn't…?

`All faggots should die…

I can feel the tears well up in the corner of my eyes. While staring at the ground, I try to find the nearest bathroom. Once I see the wooden oak door, I push inside and rush into it. Pushing the handle of the sink down, I cup the cold water into my hands and splash my face.

It can't be true, she can't know. If Lilli did, she would've said something, right? It's probably something personal; maybe that's why she was so frank. But I can't shake the thought of Ivan telling her. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. Ivan probably didn't tell her, he doesn't have enough information.

Yeah, that's right.

He doesn't have valid information! Ivan knows nothing of Gilbert; he doesn't even know what happened in the storage room. He assumes I'm homosexual, but that's about it. Ivan might also think I'm straight, since I'm dating Lilli. So he can't just waltz right up to Lilli and tell her stuff he can't prove.

Everything he knows is 'I think'.

I wipe my face with the brown paper towel and smile. I'm still safe, somewhat. I'm in the orange zone, and one more slip up, I might be caught and in the red zone. But Lilli, why doesn't she want to go to the date? Did something happen, is it something with her family or something?

Her brother.

Where did that thought come from? Her brother, Vash, if I remember his name, just came right? Before his arrival, she never acted this way, acted distant around me. Now, she's trying to avoid me every chance possible. Is Vash the problem and why would he be? Well, he is an older brother and he must be over protected of her probably. I know I would, if I had a younger sister. Ivan is probably protective of Natalia as well.

Her relationship status!

That's right, her relationship status! Lilli kept it to single, so she must be hiding something.

Or hiding it from someone.

Her brother? Is she hiding this relationship from her brother? Why would she? Wouldn't Lilli tell her brother she had a boyfriend and Vash would want me over to observe me and deem me worthy to date her baby sister? Well, I kind of blame myself for thinking that scenario; I watch too many teen moves. Either way wouldn't the same thing happen?

My thoughts were cut off as the loud bell rang, indicating everyone that lunch was over. I glance at the mirror, seeing if my eyes were red or anything signaling that I was crying, and left the bathroom.

I would check his Facebook profile, if he has one.

Before entering, I try to calm down my rickety heartbeats. Taking a deep breath, I enter the cool building.

"Matthew! Nice to see you again! You weren't here for the last two days." Toris greets me happily but then frowns at his last sentence.

I force a smile onto my face. "Yeah, I was sick and yester I couldn't come because I had a big project to do." I half lie, this so called 'project' was just me being a coward and not coming.

"Oh well~! Oh and Natalia missed you," I glance at Toris and see him leaning forward on his desk. "She was so cute when she was sad~!"

I nod and apologies for no reason. I continue walking to down the hall. The loud noises of the kids' quickly fill my ears and I take a deep breath. Maybe taking a break from this wasn't so bad.

Turning the door, the first thing is see is a toy being thrown at me. I duck behind the door and hear a loud clack. I thank hockey, my reflexes has gotten better, but wouldn't the kid at least throw a stuffed animal? Once feeling no more object would be thrown, I walk fully into the classroom.

"So sorry Mattie! You know that's not nice to throw things Benjamin." My Father says to me, and then turns to the boy who threw the object and scolds him.

"Matvey! You're here!"

I feel arms wrap around my leg and I stumble lightly. The sudden action surprises me. I look down and smile lightly when I see the same purple bow.

"Hey Natalia! Sorry I wasn't here to play with you…"

Natalia looked up, her eyes shining in happiness.

"Yeah! Let's go play!"

Natalia grabs my hand and she drags me to the boxes filled with toys. She grabs the small box of Legos and starts building. I build with her and we construct the blocks in peaceful silence. A smile is upon on her face showing true delight. My heart warms in the sight. Just me being with her makes her happy. I look up at Father. On his desk, I see the same folders that handed to him.

"Oh Dad, sorry I couldn't be here yesterday and help you get those things." I point at the folders on his desk when Father gives me a confused look.

"Oh that? No worries and it was my fault that you got sick, I shouldn't have let you go tot hat dusty room."

I nod at him, accepting his apology. I turn my head back to the blocks and notice Natalia staring at me. She has a sad look on her face.

"You were sick?" She asks cutely.

I pout at her expression. Why is she worrying about me? I nod slowly and pet her hair.

"It's okay though. I'm all better and I'm here playing with you, right?"

Natalia nods and comes closer to hug me. I widen my eyes in shock. We're not close at all (at least I think we aren't) and this type of affection surprises me. But I'm guessing little kids can throw their affection to anyone willingly giving it to them in return.

I smile lightly and pat her back. There shouldn't be any reason for her to be sad. She backs away and continues with her blocks. Natalia glances up every few minutes and smiles and then continues building. Each minute passed and all the kids were gone, leaving only Natalia and I.

Just as the clock turned its black lever, the door opens. I look up at the noise and feel my heart sink. I totally forgot about Ivan! I was focusing my time on Natalia that I forgot about him. My nervousness deepens as I see him frown slightly. Natalia happily runs to her brother and hugs Ivan.

Without look at me or even taking a glance, Ivan dresses Natalia up and walks out the door. I feel my chest coil in pain and I inadvertently follow him. Ivan walks down the hall slowly, clearly not in a rush and he's swinging Natalia's arm.

"I-Ivan!" I yell out by accident.

Ivan turns around, not surprised or confused at who's calling him. He frowns again and stands still. I walk up to him and fiddle with the hem of my sweater.

"I-I wanted to talk to you…" I look at his feet, not wanting to look directly at Ivan.

Ivan lets out a sigh. "Natalia, wait for me here."

I can see Natalia's head move up and down and Ivan pulls at my hands. He drags me to the bathroom and that's when I look up at him. He's leaning against the bathroom stalls and he looks a little annoyed.

I gasp at his expression and I stare anywhere else than him. What do I want to talk to him? I don't really, but what he did this morning bothered me. Ivan isn't talking to me at all, and I don't blame him, just a bit. Now I don't know what to say. I called him out without thinking.

"Um…"

"Matvey, what do you want?" Ivan asks. I look up at him and see his annoyed face. It looks like it's saying 'I'm fed up with this...'.

My chest tightens. Why does he look irritated?

"Oh! U-Uh I just wanted to say…I wanted to tell you…uh…" I trailed off, feeling loss for words. What do I want to tell Ivan?

"Matvey, is this important?"

I can feel tears form from the corner of my eyes. Why is Ivan being so mean? Is he really that angry?

Ivan sighs and straightens up. I grab his beige coat and look up at him with pleading eyes.

"I-Ivan, I'm sorry!" The tears fall and I subconsciously wipe it away. What I'm sorry for, I don't know at all. It's better than not saying anything at all.

I let go when I feel that Ivan won't leave. "I-I I'm sorry." I repeat.

"Matvey," I look up at him. Any emotions of anger or annoyance diminished to none and I can see a look of worry instead. Ivan sighs again. "Please tell me."

I know what he's asking for, but there's many things to tell him. Is he asking about Gilbert, my past, to confirm my sexual orientation, or all of the above?

"O-okay…"

I widen my eyes at my own words.

What did I say?

I look at Ivan and he nods. "We will talk later Matvey." With that, he leaves.

I stand still and I hear the wooden door swish opens, and then close. My breath accelerates each passing minute.

What did I do?

Did I just do what I think I did?

I actually agreed with telling Ivan everything?

Did I?

I did?

`Now he's going to tell everyone in the school…

My legs shake and I fall to my knees. I grip my hands as I place them on my thighs. I my shoulders shake and I watch my tears fall onto the tile floors.

`Just like Gilbert did…

I shake my head and run to the sink. No, I can't cry now, not at least when I'm here and Father is here. I cup the cold water in my hands and splash my face. I don't want to stay here. Rushing out of the bathroom, I slightly trip because the floors are wet.

"Careful kid." A janitor said, clearly not worried if I fell. He's leaning against the mop with a normal look on his face.

"Sorry." I say dully and I job slowly back to Father's room. I place my hands on the knob but step back then the doors open.

"Let's go." Father says, smiling, and I nod. He hands me my coat and we walk out of the daycare in silence.

I press my thumb nail to my index finger, applying pressure as we get closer to home. Father drives in silence and I'm grateful for that. Once he parks the car and we enter the house, I trot up the stairs without announcing anything to Mother.

Stripping my clothes, I take off the last article of clothing, my underwear, and step into the shower. I adjust the setting to my liking and pull the shower curtains. The pound my fist to the bathroom tiles and I slowly slide down to the tub.

I cry.

For that's all I can do in this situation.

`Cry your pathetic heart out…

`It won't change anything…

A/N:

I kind of feel that's a short chapter.

=[

But anyways! Thank you for actually sticking to my story.

I plan of making it slow paced, but smut will be in it, I promise!

Reviews are always appreciated!

HAHA~ I'm stupid!