Hey guys!

I know it's been a long time since I updated! Well, here I am!

Okay so school got in the way, and most of all, laziness. I'm sorry but it's the truth.

And I sort of got writer's block? Yeah that too...

Also I want to announce some things:

Sorry I haven't replied to any PMs, reviews and such. FF reviews... I use to be up to date with that but now I'm not

Another thing!

Follow me on my new tumblr!

yeah I'm very active on that! Bug me about updates or just talk or w/e

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and there's still a group skype chat for this story so if you want to join PM me okay?

I don't know how long I had been awake, laying still in my bed, but I don't dare turn to the clock. Everyone knows that watching the time move by makes everything feel torturously slow. Mother comes in once to call me for dinner, but I act as if I am asleep. It works; she tucks me in, kisses my temple, and says a soft goodnight. I can still hear my parents dining downstairs, but I'm not hungry. Not hungry, not sleepy...not anything, really.

After I know that everyone had gone off to bed, I break down and cry softly. Any thoughts I should be entertaining were non-existent. At least my sobs start to make me feel a little better, even if they also convince me that I am even more pathetic than I thought.

Some number of hours after that, I stare blankly at my bathroom door. I don't even know what thoughts to think! There must be so many questions in my mind, but I can't even bring myself to ponder them through. I'm still shocked. In denial.

But not angry. At least, not at the moment. Even that is held at bay by the overwhelming shock I seem to be stuck in the middle of. The hatred I know I have for that monster: it just is not coming. Right now, the only thing I care about is curling up and shrivelling away from this world.

Another hour passes. I still lay curled up, but shrivelling away is still painfully impossible.

The ray of light that assaults my eyes makes me blink frantically. Immediately, I shoot up from my bed and rub my eyes. It's like I'm in automatic mode, getting off the bed and doing the daily routine like a mindless machine. As I enter the bathroom, I make sure to open the cabinet above my sink. I'm afraid of what my reflection on the door might look like.

When I finish my business, I get myself dressed. Fresh clothes don't stop me from feeling like crap. The lack of sleep is making my head buzz and makes me feel slow. I feel filthy, my hair full of grease, my skin coated with dirt... But I'm just too tired and lazy to do anything about it. I woke up late, and I don't want to bathe. As I reach towards my nightstand, I stop and groan.

I lost my glasses...

But that realization also drags the incident from yesterday back into my mind. Shaking my head (as if that could stop the memory replaying in my mind) I walk back to my bathroom. I really don't want to use them, but it looks like I'll have to wear my contact lenses.

I snatch the case and a vial of medicated cleansing liquid from the cabinet, washing the cannister off. As I finish that, I frown as I stare at the three rows of shelves. I don't want to see my face, I tell myself, but what choice do I have, anymore? Slowly, I close the cabinet to reveal my face in the mirror, and a distressed sigh bursts free from my throat. Large, dark eye bags adorn my face, and my eyes are bloodshot red. I quickly reopen the cabinet to retrieve my eyedrops and pull my lids down to apply some to my eyes.

At least my eyes don't feel like they are on fire anymore, but the skin around them droops tiredly. I pull my eyelids apart again and apply the first lense carefully, then do the same thing to the other eye. Satisfied, I snap the case shut again and put it back, then leave the bathroom and quickly snatch my bookbag and begrudgingly trudge down the stairs. Each step brings me that much closer towards the to school and being around other people.

Mother and Father converse quietly around the table, but they stop as soon as I come down. I pay them no mind and pull back as much hair I can get with a rubber band I found on the countertop and make my way towards the coffee machine. It is already half empty-Mother or Father must have taken some-but there is still more than enough left over. I grab my mug and pour pure black coffee, which is usually reserved for Mother, and chug it down. Thankfully it cools down just enough not to burn my tongue.

"Matthew... is something the matter?" Father asks.

I walk towards the table where they are sitting at and I almost smile at what I see. They made me pancakes, but too bad I'm not in the mood to eat. "Late night studying," I say tiredly and set my mug down and walk to the door, slipping on my shoes. Leaving early won't hurt anyone, I figure.

"...Mattie...are you okay?" Mother asks.

I yawn and rub the sleep away from my eyes and shake my head to Mother. "Tired." I reply. They're probably unused to seeing me like this. "Bye," I call out over my shoulder and leave before they can say anything else. I am not in the mood to answer the questions they have. Come to think of it, I'm not in the mood to do anything at all.

I wish I could just stay home...

And look what happens next. I should've just acted like I was sick. I barely make it into Mr. Wade's class, but luckily I run in at the last second. Today, Mr. Wade's boisterous voice just sounds annoying and so I block it off. Trudging to my seat, I catch Ivan's concerned look and frown.

"Something the matter?" Ivan asks lowly, cautious of Mr. Wade.

"No," I reply, taking out my notebook and resting my cheek against my palm. My mind wanders as I ignore Mr. Wade's lesson. Either way, I flick my notebook open and write down the date, but before long I find myself just doodling idly, conveying that I'm not following on with the lesson.

No way do I plan on telling Ivan what happened with Gilbert, I decide. Ivan just barged into my life and I don't even know what good he brought. My problems are too idiotic for him.

I let out a snort.

"What was that, Mike?" Mr, Wade calls out.

I sigh and turn my gaze to him. I give him a look and shake my head. "It's Matthew, sir."

"I suggest you actually take notes instead of daydreaming Miguel," Mr Wade say with authority.

"Mr. Wade-" I cut Ivan off.

"Sorry Mr. Wade," I say, taking no time to correct him. Without further incident, Mr. Wade returns to the lesson.

Bullying...

I could snort all over again. How pathetic. I turned into a victim of schoolyard bullying, and I'm still paying the price. All because Gilbert 'likes me.'

A jagged breath escapes my mouth but I clench my jaw shut quick. I can't afford to be on Mr. Wade's radar again. I sink into my seat and rub my eyes to stop any sudden emergence of tears. In a few minutes the urge to cry passes, so I sit back up silently and double my efforts to focus on Mr. Wade.

Why am I thinking about him? How I wish I didn't have to. Not now, not ever again. But I just can't help myself. He ruined my life many times over, and I don't want anything else to do with him. I would so much rather be invisible to everyone's eyes. It would save me the trouble.

My lips turn into a small smirk. Saves everyone the trouble too. What else am I but a walking disaster? I have no idea why Ivan bothered with me. My "problems" aren't even worth it. They're too pathetic and generic. Just a sad, gay bully victim. Boo hoo. Nothing special. Why am I worthy in his eyes, I wonder? Just because I'm a friend?

Well he's going to pretty great lengths for a simple friend.

"Matthew?"

Elizabeta is the first to catch up to me. I stand at my locker, just putting my things away.

"Is something to matter? You're kind of off..." She asks, her face screwing into worry lines.

I shake my head. "Everything is fine," I lie and watch as Ivan starts to make his way towards us. "Excuse me, I need to fix my contacts."

"Oh, I didn't kno-"

I don't allow her to finish and I turn on my heel towards the bathroom. Pushing the doors, I rush straight to the mirrors and quickly get out my eyedrops. All that rubbing my eyes in class made them dry.

The doors squeak open and I snap my head in that direction. Ivan comes in to stand at my side, dropping his things at the edge of the sink. I mentally groan; I can't exactly run out since I really do need to change my contacts.

"Matvey, something is wrong." Ivan accuses lowly.

"Oh?" I wash my hands and pull my eyelid down. "What makes you think that?" I ask a little harshly. I successfully pull the contact off and unscrew the cap of the eyedrop, and then I slowly squeeze the liquid onto the clear lens over the sink, watching as the grime and little specs of dirt wash away.

"You're not yourself," Ivan says. "You were spacing out in class." From the mirror, I can see the worry etched on his features.

"Everyone spaces out Ivan. I don't see why you're so worried," I reply, slowly drawing the contact towards my eyes.

"That's not the point!" He raises his voice, which makes me jump, and as a consequence the contact falls somewhere in the sink.

"Merde Ivan!" I groan, locating the contact and gently washing it with water. "Look what you made me do!"

"This is what I'm talking about!" Ivan argues as I start the same process all over again. "You aren't yourself!"

"How would you know?" I hiss. I blink rapidly and pull down the other eyelid. "You know nothing about me."

From the mirror, I can see Ivan widen his eyes and stare at me. "T-That's why I want to know-"

"Know what?" I bite back, taking the contact. I pour even more of the liquid over the lense. I tsk in irritation and pull my other lid down. "Know more about me? Who do you think you are, trying to act like a therapist, acting as if you're helping me? Frankly it's annoying and it offends me even more that you're acting and treating me as if I'm a pathetic weakling," I hiss each word.

Blinking rapidly as the contact is successfully placed, I watch from the mirror as Ivan's face pans through a number of different emotions all in a couple of seconds.

Shock.

Ha...!

Why the hell would he be shocked...?

Just telling him the truth...

Sadness.

If the truth hurts so bad then you should get away from me...

Anger.

"Matvey I-"

"Stop this 'Matvey' crap," I snap, poorly mimicking his accent. "I think for one, you should stop this therapy act-"

"But-"

"And get away from me," I spit at him. "You bother me, the way you're trying to carve into my by pitying me."

I stare at his shocked face as he stares back at me. His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs half-open. He wants so much to speak but the words are caught in his mouth.

"Get to class," I huff before making my leave from the bathroom. The halls are nearly empty and I curse under my breath.

Damn Ivan...

He probably made me late for class...

As I walk down the hall, I hear loud footsteps trailing behind me. I groan again and quicken my pace, then I break into a mini-jog. If I start running the teachers from the classrooms could take notice, I reason. Why can't Ivan let me be?

"Matvey wait!" He yells out, but I ignore him and sprint up the stairs.

I'm sent to the office for being late. Great, just what I needed. At least Ms. Bonnefoy is nice enough to tell me that I shouldn't worry about it. She gives me a pass and I go back to class.

My mind isn't on the lesson. Thinking about it more, I'm actually glad that I cut Ivan off back in the bathroom. I didn't think through what I was going to say, but I still feel that there is some truth to my angry words. Ivan's so-called "help" was phoney; he doesn't care. If he hadn't seen what happened at the daycare, then he wouldn't feel obligated to try to help me.

It was probably even a hoax when he admitted he was bisexual. All just to make me 'feel better...'

I'm not weak!

I'm not pathetic!

I'll show all of them.

I can handle myself.

I'm not weak.

Finally, it's lunch time. Ivan tries his best to approach me, but thankfully the halls are too crowded to get through. Elizabeta tries to speak to me too. I totally forgotten about her. As lousy as I feel for giving her the silent treatment as well, I know that if I let her in on the situation with Ivan, she'd go to him. Besides, I would have to tell her about Gilbert and everything in order to make everything not so confusing.

And I plan to do neither.

So I sit alone, far away from everyone. Even better, I'm outside, somewhere near the back of the school, though I'm not sure about the exact location. All I know is that I'd most likely be late for my next class. Easily worth avoiding all my distractions and problems, even just for a little bit.

I am about to lay back and relax when I hear voices. Quickly, I pull myself back up and try to make myself look as small as possible.

"Oh, we didn't mean to take your spot," Feliciano says slowly, looking between me, Kiku and Ludwig.

They come to a halt and it feels like Ludwig and I are the only ones here, having a stare down. After a couple of seconds, I jump when I see Kiku suddenly put his hand on Ludwig's arm and speak to him under a hushed breath. Ludwig nods and turns to Feliciano, who looks as if he is about to protest, but instead he nods.

"Good luck Luddy!" Feliciano chims cheerfully as he and Kiku walk back in the direction they came.

Ludwig looks back, as if he is making sure they are as far away as possible. I swallow thickly and turn my gaze to the grass, pretending it desperately needs my attention. He's going to ask about Gilbert... I know it.

"You're not supposed to be here," Ludwig starts.

"Then why are you here?" I reply, a little too quickly.

Ludwig sighs and sits by me, which reflexively makes me freeze. He relaxes completely and puts his hands behind his head, leaning against the wall. For a moment, I can't help but stare. This side of Ludwig... I have never seen it before. He's the one most likely to yell at people if they were in a relaxing state.

I make no effort in starting a conversation, not that I care to anyway, and idly pick at the blades of grass.

"I overheard your conversation with Ivan." Ludwig announces and I stop my actions and freeze.

My heart thumps erratically in my chest and I try hard to calm my breathing. He knows too much! I realize that Ludwig will want to know what all of that was about.

"Um..." I start nervously, but stop when Ludwig sits up and shoots me a serious look.

"It isn't my concern," Ludwig says. I automatically release a sigh, but it's premature. "The deal between you and my brother is my concern,"

I pause and look at Ludwig. His expression is serious. At that moment, I actually feel afraid of the other. Will he force me to tell? I can't tell for sure...

"I-I'm not telling..." I stutter nervously.

Ludwig only furrows his brows before he suddenly grabs me by the shoulders, earning a surprised yelp from me. I try to shake him off but Ludwig only adds a little more pressure. "I'm not asking for my benefit," Ludwig says, his tone somewhere between stern and... caring? "I'm asking to-"

"To help me?" I ask sharply, cutting him off. I push his hands off of me, breaking free of his hold. "I don't need help, or pity from anyone," I glare at Ludwig. "I can take care of myself."

Ludwig gives a frustrated groan. "Look," He sighs. "I want to know how you know Gilbert and why were you..." He waves his hand in a circular motion and I immediately flush.

He's thinking about when I was on top of him...!

"...Crying," He finishes awkwardly.

He coughs while I stare at him, my mouth slightly open as I gawk.

"Well...?" His tone is near annoyance.

"It's none of your business," I mutter and stand up.

"Listen to what you're saying," Ludwig yells, getting up as well. "It is my business! Gilbert isn't all that bad-"

"Don't," I hiss, giving him a glare, "say that." I brush off any dirt and grass that might be on my clothes, and I'm sure he can see a spark of fury in my eyes. "You don't know half of what I know about your precious brother," I spit. I storm past him and made my way back to the school building. I pass by Feliciano and Kiku without giving them a second glance.

How can Ludwig think that Gilbert is a nice person? my thoughts seethe. He obviously doesn't even know him well! I guess Gilbert hides his true colors. The conniving, evil, manipulative Gilbert, that's who he is. A stalker and a bully, and now he's trying to ruin my life even more! Mocking my sexuality by saying he 'likes' me! It's all another prank. He's going to go to his friends and laugh at my reaction or something.

I shake my head at the thoughts. I don't need to focus on them... on him!

Stupid bastard...

Making my way inside the school building, I quickly dash to my next class in hopes of avoiding Ivan again. I just want this day over with, go home and -

I groan out loud. How did I forgot about my detention?

This day is literally getting worse by the minute...

Once again, I'll have to face Ivan and,even worse, I'll have to be stuck with him 'till my detention is over.

After a few seconds, I finally take notice that no one else is in class. In my great rush to get away from Ludwig, I forgot that lunch period wasn't over, yet. I promptly pull out my notebook and try to doodle the minutes away, but my mind keeps on drifting back to Ivan.

I...

I really don't want our friendship to shrivel...

Maybe I took things too far, I realize, back when I said what I did. But I honestly don't want to lose him. He's actually nice to me and he's practically my only real friend. I was so cruel to him, and over what? I was just trying to cover up what happened with Gilbert... I didn't have to take it out on someone I cared about. He didn't do anything wrong.

What was I thinking?

I could have worded it differently. But still, what I said about him acting like a therapist, I still feel as if there might be some truth to it. Why was he doing that? What purpose could he have had, and why does he really seem to want to help me? I'm no one important. My problems are petty.

Petty problems for a petty person.

I think about cutting, but I figure that I would just get in even more trouble. What if Mrs. Bonnefoy came to check up on me, maybe see if I was in Mr. Kasheem's room?

I feel nervous for the rest of the day. And guilty, too. All those words I said, true or not, were blown out of proportion, far more scathing than was necessary. I spend the rest of my classes dreaming up ways to apologize to Ivan. In hindsight, I can see my behavior for what it clearly was: a bad mood lashed out at an innocent person.

Ludwig, on the other hand...

I decide to try to stay far away from him. Never again do I want to hear about Gilbert, and certainly not from Ludwig. I know it is going to be difficult. Ludwig is extremely persistent when he wants to be, and there is always the chance-small or not-that Gilbert himself could reveal something.

I wonder what their situation is like...

Finally, I spot the door coming into view and I swallow the lump in my throat. I can always choose to not apologize, sure, but somehow even wondering about the outcome makes my chest hurt.

It's difficult to put into words, but I feel a void below my heart... an inexplicable emptiness... a twinge in my chest... a coil... I don't know! I just-

I just like being around Ivan.

I really like him.

N-Not like that...!

He probably has a partner, since he's attractive and nice and -

The sound of footsteps behind me snap me out of my thoughts and I spin around... only to see the janitor walking the opposite way from me.

Flushing from embarrassment, I adjust the books in my arms and tip-toe slowly into the classroom.

I watch as Ivan flinches a bit from my arrival, and I can easily tell he is forcing himself to not turn and look at me. Gulping slightly, I inch towards his desk and pull up a chair.

Sitting down slowly, I debate in my mind whether or not I ought to greet him. Ivan continues to write, paying me no heed. I glance around to see if Mr. Kasheem is here, but he isn't in the room. It's not such a good thing, I decide. It would be less awkward if someone else were around.

"He trusts us enough to leave us alone," Ivan says suddenly, which makes me jump in surprise.

I whip my head back to Ivan but then shift my eyes to my lap. "Oh..." I mumble, fiddling with my hands. "Well, we should uh... get to work then..."

My eyes drift back up to see Ivan nodding and I peer over his arms to look at his work. "What is it today?" I ask.

He retracts his hand and I can see he is writing what looks like some kind of essay, though it seems like he's struggling, judging by the multiple erase marks and the words he had crossed out with his blunt pencil. Overall, the page is unreadable. I grab the rubric of Ivan's assignment and read it over in my hands.

"You're learning how to write a paragraph..." I comment out loud and hand it back.

Ivan nods and neatly folds the paper at his side.

I frown at Ivan's behavior. Some part of me is still expecting him to be persistent in finding out what's "wrong" with me. I guess he'd given up on that. Frowning, I tap on Ivan's paper. "This is too messy to read and understand. You need to start all over."

The minutes pass without any notable markers. Ivan is halfway done with his work, thanks to my help. He works really slow, not that I can criticize him for that, but I just want to leave soon. So far, the only sort of conversation we had was strictly work related, void of all "fun" talks and not even a breath that could potentially lead to any sort of argument. I only have the solace of the ticking clock and my own whispering thoughts. Ivan works silently by himself for most of the time, but on a few instances the quiet is punctured when he asks for help.

"Matvey, I'm sorry..." Ivan says suddenly, making me freeze.

He's apologising...?

"Wh-What you said was right..." Ivan says slowly, still not meeting my gaze. "But I only did those things because I care. I know a lot about what it's like, to go through what you're going through..."

"Re-Really...?!" I ask in shock and curiosity, my eyes wide.

"Mostly with...not being straight..." Ivan admits softly. "I was afraid what my sisters would think. But finally I gathered enough courage and told them." He then smiles. "Katyusha doesn't mind and still loves me, and little Natalia still doesn't understand."

I gulp and look down. "I don't know about my family..." I tell him.

Ivan stays quiet for a moment. "One day, you will choose what you want to do."

A small chuckle escapes from my mouth. Ivan... he kinda sounds like a wise elder. My smile slowly lessens and I look up at his gaze. "I went too far with saying those things... You really don't annoy me..." I say softly.

Ivan smiles and nods. "It's all right..." He says and picks up his pencil. "We should get back to work."

Nodding, I return to helping Ivan. A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders just now; I made it throught the day and I'm still friends with Ivan. If someone had told me that I would feel this happy when I was still in bed this morning, or even as I ambled into detention, I would never have believed it.

After a couple of minutes more, Ivan tapps me on the shoulder for my attention and points to the clock. Time to go. The two of us gather our things and walk out, side by side.

"Are you okay, Matthieu?" a woman's voice sounds out from somewhere behind me. Both of us turn around and see Ms. Bonnefoy standing near the entrance to the office. She holds a notepad in her arms, as per usual, but her face was scrunched into an expression of concern.

"Oh... I just had a bad morning," I chuckle nervously.

She hums and adjusts her glasses. "And how's the community service?" She asks.

The memory of that wafts back into mind. "F-Fine," I respond.

Ms. Bonnefoy smiles. "Well I hope you have a nice night, boys."

"You too," we both respond politely and continue our way towards the door.

"That was kind of weird," I remark. The whole conversation was rather brief, which was odd in my opinion. She probably was busy, but who knows.

Ivan only gives a shrug in reply. Paying it no more thought, we both walk down the halls and out the doors.

"I'll see you later Matvey," Ivan says with a smile.

"Yeah... and I am sorry for what I said..." I apologise again.

He shakes his head and lets out a light laugh. "Don't worry too much about it, little Matvey."

I nod, but I'm still not convinced. I mean, I wouldn't forgive myself... Gosh Ivan is such a good friend. How can he deal with a pathetic person like me? For now, I only laugh nervously and smile. "Tell Natalia I said hi."

A grin is planted on his face. "I will; she misses you dearly," he tells me while he slowly starts to back away.

"Yeah, I kinda miss her crazy self, too," I chuckle.

With that, he turns around and walks out of sight, leaving me to stand in front of the school alone.

Sighing loudly, I make my way down the darkening path. Today had been a really long day, and all I can think about now is going home. I happen to look up at just the right moment, and my eye catches something from across the street. I slow down-for whatever reason I don't know, but my legs just compel me to halt-and I stop to see what it is.

I can only describe what I felt as... a bad presence. I should just ignored it, I know, but I want to see what was there. I'm just about to start walking again and ignore this lingering feeling when someone suddenly moves from their hiding spot behind a tree. I widen my eyes.

Trouble just loves to hunt me down...

Well this is the end!

Um I wont be really fast with updates so don't expect anything fast from me okay?

Now I have to update The Evil Within!