Rainy With a Chance of Sun

She spent her disability leave preparing for the fact that she'd have to go back to work. She put her condo up for sale and moved back into her father's house. This way she didn't have to keep up with two sets of household bills and chores. She hired an additional nurse to cover the time she'd be at work so that her father had the round-the-clock care he now needed.

Her days were out of focus, blurred together in the numbness that was her world. Up at 5:30am, she quickly got herself ready so she could make breakfast for her father, make sure he took his meds and turnover to the nurse any new developments she needed to be aware of. At work at 7am, she'd spend the day patching and repairing the hapless souls that ended up at County. With any luck, she'd be out of there by 8 or so that evening and home before nine. When she got home, she'd see to her father's needs until he'd fall asleep around midnight.

Days she didn't have a shift were no easier. These were the days for medical appointments, her father's investment and business appointments she was now taking care of, household chores, and if she was really lucky, she just might find a little time to work on the article Kerry Weaver wanted her to publish or the study that would bring in some grant money for hospital. She needed to find some time to do these things. It was expected of attendings and pretty much required for the tenure she hoped to have in a few years.

Not having much time for anything of a personal nature may have been a blessing. She actually took time to have coffee with John today. He was so insistent. They walked along the river on their break. Just a bit on the cool side, the early fall air felt so refreshing to her soul. John was concerned about how she was handling everything and she just didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to think about how much she missed her mother or just how much her father's health had declined or how much of her life now revolved around him exclusively. She just wanted to enjoy the walk. But the weight she carried couldn't be ignored in the short respite. Much as she didn't want to, she broke down and cried on his shoulder.

Now, she was laying in this bed at 1am not wanting to think about the fact that the last time she had a date was before her parents' car accident last year. The last time she had sex? Who the hell knows how long that's been. She couldn't even remember any more. Her life was a whirlwind of dealing with the sick, the dying, the injured and the dead. Did she just say "her life"? What life? This isn't life. This is merely existing; breathing in, breathing out, making it from one day to the next on auto pilot. Life is more than that.

She reasoned that this was only temporary; that this too would pass. But what then? What will she have when the storm clears? Who will still be in her life? Her parents would be gone. John's thinking he's going to need to move back to the Congo to get Kem back. In all likelihood, he'd be gone. Susan? Now that she had Chuck and Cosmo, they never saw each other outside of work anymore. Abby? They hadn't really hung out together since she went back to med school. She was a little jealous of her though, she did have time for men occasionally. Men, who are they again? Greg? She cramped his style, the damn flirt.

This was far too depressing. She had to stop. She couldn't keep thinking this way. It's self destructive. It can't lead to any good. She resolved to keep focused on what positive she could find and not keep hashing over all the negative going on in her life.

It seemed the first step was to find something life affirming, something to smile about, something reachable and attainable, right here and right now. She remembered John's gift, the gift that held the possibility of new life.

His gift gave her hope for the future and rest for her mind today. She'd go ahead and start treatment. Knowing she could possibly be carrying life within her soon lifted her spirits. Tomorrow promised to be brighter, just because of the possibility that she wouldn't be facing it alone. Stressed and overwhelmed as she was, pregnancy wasn't likely, but she wasn't going to think about that. She was just going to stay focused on the positive possibility.

"Eat your heart out Scarlett O'Hara" she told herself softly. She closed her eyes and slept peacefully until 5:30am.