The Rose
Jing Mei looked at the little, sparsely decorated Christmas Tree in the corner. It was an artificial tree she found it in a store in an area of town where a lot of ex pats live; they had a reasonable selection of Christmas decorations. Christmas here was not the overblown holiday it was in Chicago. In many ways, she was glad about that.
If her mother saw her meager tree, she would laugh. Her mother loved the holiday. She always found a huge, fresh tree each year and decorated it with beautiful glass ornaments, lights and garland. The grand tree always looked Christmas Card perfect every year. There were always three parties each year: one for her mother's staff, one for her father's staff and one for their personal friends and any relatives, however distant, that were in town.
As a little girl, the parties were overwhelming and she did her best to stay out of sight, content to hide in her room. What she wouldn't give for her parents to be hosting those parties this year. This year, just like the last, and the year before, there were no parties. She missed that now. She missed her parents. With a deep sigh, she turned off the lights and went to bed.
She could go to bed of course, but that didn't mean sleep would come. This was one of the two nights each year that got the best of her. It was one of the two nights where the wrong and missing would haunt her. This was one of the two nights where she felt like a river was rushing passed her, taking with it, the people she loved, drowning her in loneliness, cutting her till her soul bled.
Her parents had been the stable force in her life, the constant she could depend on. Now they were gone and all she could do was long for their presence in vain. She was a mother herself now. There was so much she wished she could share with her own mother.
She probably missed her parents so much because there was no other half to complete her own self, no one to share her life with. It's not that she didn't want anyone, or that she didn't try. She hungered for someone to be there next to her, to face each day, and to lay next to her each night. She ached for someone to take her by the hand, and watch Mei Li grow, to be with her for the birth of this new child she carried within her, and to watch this precious life grow too.
Why didn't she have that? Was it that, as some suggested, she's too picky? Waited too long to get serious? Spent too much time on her career? Or was she just afraid to take a chance? No, she had her heart broken too many times for that.
She wanted to love. She wanted to be loved. The latter just never worked out. There were men she had genuine feelings for, wanted a serious relationship with, but it didn't happen despite her best efforts. Why? Because she wasn't going to settle for being anyone's "bang bunny", she was not put on this earth to satisfy anyone's Asian chick sexual fantasy. She wanted respect, appreciation for who and what she was as a person. It didn't seem like a lot to ask, but it sure turned out that way.
So here she was, going it alone, walking life's road without a hand to hold onto for support. Why is it other women are lucky enough to find husbands? Men that want to spend the rest of their lives with them, build homes and families with them? Why was this not a possibility for her?
Oh, she had to stop thinking this way. Yes, she would never have a husband, never have someone to stand beside her to face whatever came their way, but she wasn't exactly alone. John had enough compassion to make sure she had family. He gave her the ability to have a beautiful daughter, an amazing little person who lit up her world with her smile. And that smile, it was his smile, and growing within her right now, another precious child, again by his gift.
"Whoooooo" she sucked in a deep breath…there it was again! In the stillness of this silent night, she felt her baby's first kicks. Smiling, she closed her eyes. Underneath the bitter snow, was the seed, that in the Spring, becomes the rose.