Chapter 4: I love my first name

When I woke up, it was already afternoon. Malfoy wasn't in his bed. The bastard! He has awakened and left me? He knew that I spent the whole bloody night next to him just to make sure that he's OK and then he leaves me sleeping in this torture chair? That's my reward for being kind? The bloody ferr_

"Potter!" Malfoy came from the direction of the bathroom. I thought badly of him this time. He was only in the bathroom…

He looked pretty alright.

"You're awake!" I said.

"Good eye-sight, Potter."

"Shut up… Are you feeling Ok?"

"Yes I am; thank you."

There was a brief moment of awkwardness when I didn't know if I should leave or not, but then Malfoy finally talked.

"This woman won't let me leave this bloody place. She says I have to stay two more hours."

"Malfoy, why do you not eat? Madam Pomfrey said that you haven't eaten for four days! Why?"

"Because eating means that I will stay alive. And I don't want to live. I told you that before. This is my third attempt of murdering myself, and yet I have failed again."

"Oh, will you please stop this madness? Why do you want to die, huh? Are you sure it's going to be any better after death? You want to die before you do any good in your life?"

Draco stared at me so long then looked away. I hated not knowing what he's thinking. If he could only give some expressions on his cold face…

"Why did you stay all night? You missed all your classes by sitting next to me. Why?"

"Did you hear any word I told you last night?"

"Yes."

"Then you know the answer. Because I care about you." Malfoy looked away from me, but I swear I saw a trace of a smile on his face. A sad smile, yes, but it was an improvement anyway.

"You do?" He asked quietly.

"Yes. I do. Is that hard to believe?"

"Coming from you, Potter, yes, it is hard to believe."

"I told you. That doesn't mean that I hate you any less…" I teased him.

"The feeling is mutual, Potter." He smirked.

After Malfoy left the Hospital Wing, we went to the Great Hall for lunch. He didn't want to eat no matter how hard I pleaded. I told him that I will sit at the Slytherin table and eat with him so he won't be alone, and I was so surprised when he agreed!

After lunch, I went back to the Common Room, hoping to find Ron or Hermione and ask them about what I've missed in today's lessons, but they weren't there. I borrowed Neville's notes instead and returned back to Malfoy who was waiting outside the portrait hole. We both decided to study the missed lessons and do our homework together.

"Potter," said Malfoy as he was writing his Transfiguration assignment. We were sitting beside the lake at my favorite spot in Hogwarts.

"Yeah?" I said, not taking my eyes off my Charms book. I was leaning against a tree trunk and my back started to ache.

"I am bored…" Malfoy laid his head on my lap and stared at the sky. I stiffened… Malfoy was so out of character these days. First, insisting on meeting with me every day. I agreed because we now both know that Malfoy had no one but me and I didn't want to upset him. And now this! He's actually laying his head on my lap. I don't know why it felt awkward. Anyone seeing us now would misunderstand and start spreading weird rumours across the school.

Malfoy took the book from my hands. I glared at him.

"I said I'm bored!" He repeated.

"So I have noticed." I snatched the book back from him. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"You're supposed to suggest something else to do other than homework. Something not boring…"

"Ok!" I closed my books and packed my bag. "Let's play Quidditch! Seeker game. And I will beat you to the snitch, like I always do."

Malfoy smiled and got really interested. He finally got off me, and I was ready to forget what had just happened.

We played for hours. I beat him many times and he beat me too. It was dark and we had already missed dinner when we finally finished. Panting, we headed for the changing rooms.

"But you have to admit," Malfoy smirked, "that if only my broom was faster than yours, I'd have beaten you on every go. You were just cheating."

"Rubbish," I said with a smirk, "we exchanged brooms three times, and I still won!"

"You did not. It's a tie."

"Did you count? No. And neither did I. But I perfectly remember that I caught the snitch more than you did."

"Your memory is weak. I remember otherwise. We should definitely do that again one day, and count this time. And you'll see… I will be the winner."

"Maybe next weekend?" I suggested.

"Sounds good," Malfoy nodded then laughed. "Oh, whenever I remember… your face when you… fell off your broom!" he said between laughs. "Don't tell me… that you were trying… to do the Wronski Feint again!"

I flushed. "Shut up! It's not funny!"

"You know it is." He finally stopped laughing now. "Anyway, let's go take a shower quickly and return to the castle. I am starving."

Before Malfoy entered a shower stall, I heard him hissing "Expecto Patronum," and saw a bright light shining across the place. There was some progress, then. I smiled knowing that Malfoy probably used tonight's game as his happy memory since it's the only interesting thing Malfoy has done in months. He certainly had so much fun laughing when I caught the air instead of a snitch or when I accidently slammed into a stand that was right in front of me. Still, I felt happy that I was the one who made him laugh after weeks of depression.

I washed quickly and got dressed before Malfoy finishes. I felt grateful for that because I didn't want him to see me changing. Last time, when he saw me half-naked, it did some… unusual things to me. I didn't want that to happen again. Malfoy, on the other hand, didn't seem to care. He got out of the shower with a short towel wrapped around his waist. He was soaking wet. Bloody hell, but Malfoy was fit! I never thought that under his clothes there will be this perfect body. His chest was muscular and he had perfect abs, all six of them! And his hipbones were another beauty… God, Malfoy was smoking hot! With that short towel around his lean waist, he looked like those models on Witch Weekly.Water dripped from his chest and his so lickable nipples_ Wait, what? What am I thinking?

I noticed that I spent so many seconds admiring his body, and immediately felt my face burn. My heart started returning back from where it was somewhere in my toes, and my throat started slowing down its pulse. I knew I was red like a tomato, and wondered if Malfoy saw me looking and gazing at his body. I cursed myself for losing control. What the hell was I thinking… thinking of Malfoy as hot? I wasn't just fucking fantasizing about Malfoy! No, I wasn't. I'll just pretend that this never happened. When I looked at him again, I noticed something else that I haven't seen earlier while I was studying his body. He had many scars on his forearms, other than the one on his faded Dark Mark. Wounds that looked recent, and others that weren't. I immediately recognized what they were and my jaw dropped.

"Malfoy!" I said as I approached the boy. "What are those?" I took his arm and pointed at his scars. He snatched his arm away, and took his clothes to dress.

"STOP HERE, MALFOY!" I shouted angrily. "You will tell me right now what those are!"

He stopped and looked at me, but remained silent.

"You cut?" I asked disbelievingly. I knew I mustn't be surprised. I should have expected that from a person who attempted to kill himself. But committing suicide is one thing and cutting is another. I can't imagine Malfoy crying in a corner and running a blade on his arm.

"It's none of your business." He said lamely.

"Why? I understand of course that many bad things happened to you, but why can't you see the bright side of your life? Nothing is totally bad. There must be something good in your life."

"You don't understand anything…"

"Yes, I do, Malfoy. I know more about you than you do. I know that the Ministry took your house and that your mother has no place to live in, and I know you pity yourself for being in such a humiliated state after being from the most wealthiest people in the Wizarding World. I know that you lost your friends, wealth and practically everything. But you're still better than many others in this life. At least you have both of your parents alive. At least you have a family, even if not friends."

"And this family you're talking about, Potter… Where is it? My father is in jail, and my mother is living in a tiny hotel, alone. Every day and the other, the bloody Ministry finds another crime to accuse my parents for, and she pays more and more reparations until we were left with nothing. You don't understand anything of what you're saying. You have no idea how hard it is"

"Really? You think that? Well guess what? I have suffered much more horrible things in my life. I've lost many things and many people, and here I am! I never self-harmed. Never thought of committing suicide, not once! Not because everything was okay, but because I believed that it could be one day. And I knew that desperation will not solve anything. So now, Malfoy, I want you to promise me that you'll never cut again. Do it! Promise me. Try it. Believe me, there is still hope in life. And I will help you as much as I can."

"I don't need your help, Potter. The last thing I want is getting help from you."

"Yes you do. Stop being so stubborn and pretending that you despise me! Get over your old rivalry."

"What do you want, Potter?"
"I want you to promise me."

"And if I do, will you shut up?"

"Yes."

"Ok," he sighed. "I promise I will never cut again. Happy?"

"I will be happier if you keep your word for it. Go put your clothes on. I will be waiting for you outside."

Malfoy didn't take much time dressing. We walked towards the castle in silence, both trying to forget our little chat back there in the shower rooms.

"We obviously missed dinner," I said. "Let's go to the kitchens."

"To where?" asked Malfoy.

"The kitchens. You've never been there before?"

"No. Have you? Well, obviously yes…"

"Come on, let's go."

Kreacher wasn't so happy to see me. But he packed us a lot of food from tonight's dishes anyway, and we carried the food and left the roomy kitchens.

"Where shall we eat? The Great Hall?" Malfoy suggested.

"Boring. Let's go to where we were earlier. By the lake."

"Okay…"

We made our picnic beside the lake, and ate while listening to the calm waves of the Black Lake caused by every move of the Giant Squid. There was a nice soothing breeze. The atmosphere was calm and peaceful. After we finished eating, we sat still as we were not intending to end this peaceful moment. Malfoy rested his head on my lap like he did earlier today, and I fought hard not to think about his closeness. He stared at the sky, gazing at the bright stars that shined in this clear night sky.

"See there," he said quietly, pointing at a set of stars, "this is my constellation."

"Draco," I said. He turned his head and his grey eyes were fixed on mine. "No, um… I wasn't calling you. I was just naming the constellation…" He kept his eyes on me, but I broke the contact and suddenly seemed more interested in those stars. I saw the bright star Sirius. Even after about two years of his death, I still wasn't able to stop my eyes from tearing whenever I remembered my godfather.

"You're crying…" said Malfoy.

"No I am not" I said firmly. He reached his hands and rubbed the tears out of my eyelids. I tried not to shiver at his smooth touch.

"I've never seen you cry before. I thought you were immune to that weakness" Malfoy said, after finally removing his hands from my face. "While you saw me crying many times, and they were of the most embarrassing moments in my life."

"Crying is not a weakness. It's a nature of human beings. When we're sad, we cry."

"And why are you sad now?" He asked.

"Nothing. It was just silly of me to remember my godfather at this moment. He was the last family I had, and I lost him. Your_ Your aunt killed him." I had absolutely no idea why I was telling him this.

"I am sorry, I guess…"

"See, Malfoy? I've lost my mother, father, my godfather, and my father's best friend. I have no family at all now. And do I cut or kill myself? No."

He sighed. "At least you have friends. Even if not of the best sort, but you still have someone to talk to and share with them your happy and sad moments of your life."

"Would you rather have friends than a family?"

He stayed silent for too long until he finally answered, "No."

I nodded firmly, once. "See?"

He stayed silent, and I thought that I might have convinced him that his state isn't the worst.

"Let's get back to the castle." I said standing up quickly and shoving his head off my lap. "We still haven't finished our homework."

"Yeah, you're right."

On my way back to the common room, I realized something strange. I had spent my whole day with my ex-arch nemesis, and it was a good day - apart from all the weird things that happened today... I felt great. I wasn't exactly happy, but I felt… alive.

Once I passed through the portrait hole, Ron and Hermione shouted at me "Where the hell have you been all day?"

"What?" I asked, still not catching up. It seems like I suddenly forgot that I haven't seen my friends since last night.

"You didn't even sleep in your bed last night. And you didn't attend your classes, either."

"Um… Doing my homework outdoors. I hate doing it in this noisy room."

Ron and Hermione exchanged looks because the common room was so quiet. We were the only ones in the here.

"And after that?" asked Hermione.

"I went flying." I said.

"And where is your broom?" asked Ron.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, stop interrogating me like I am a criminal or something! I left the damn broom in the bloody broom shed in the fucking Quidditch Pitch!"

"Hey, hey, hey, calm down, mate! You just gave us a scare when you were nowhere to be seen!"

Hermione gave me a disappointed look for my vulgar language.

I didn't know why I suddenly became so angry, when I was just enjoying myself a moment earlier. "I am sorry," I sighed. "I was with Malfoy," I answered their question truthfully. I decided it's time to tell them about him.

"I beg your pardon?" said Ron, not believing what I said.

"I was with Draco Malfoy. I had lunch with him and then we solved our homework together. Then I played Quidditch with him, had dinner, and then came here."

Ron looked at me like I've grown two heads. "Why?" He finally asked.

I told them everything about Malfoy, except of course how I felt when I saw him half-naked and when he laid his head on my lap…

"But why didn't you tell us earlier?" asked Hermione.

I was prepared for this. "For several reasons: first, after what happened between me and Ginny, I was trying to avoid the common room and so I barely saw you two outside the classrooms. Second, Malfoy doesn't want anyone else to know about his pathetic state, and please, act like you know nothing while he's around. And third, because you don't like him, and I knew you wouldn't approve of what I did."

"It's not a matter of approval. It's just… So you're telling me that Malfoy is now your friend?" asked Hermione. "And thus ours too?"

"What do we have to with this, Hermione?" asked Ron. "We are definitely not his friends. He hates us. And we hate him more."

Hermione ignored him. "I can't believe this… I didn't realize how harsh the laws were to them until now. But it's so good of you Harry to do all of this. I mean, to be friendly to your nemesis, it must have taken a great deal of nerve to cope with this."

Ron looked at her disapprovingly, but didn't say anything.

"This must be stopped," said Hermione. "All this harsh punishments against the Death Eaters... This isn't helping. It's like what happened after World War One all over again, when the Treaty of Versailles was made. It was so harsh that_"

"Hermione," I interrupted.

"Oh, sorry… yeah, we should do something! The Ministry must know that it's wrong to arrest the Death Eaters without a trial. I mean, yes they are Death Eaters and all, but at least let them have a trial so it can be fair."

"I will send an owl to Kingsley," I said. "I'll ask him if there was a trial for Lucius Malfoy. If not, I will demand him to do one, whatever it takes me to do or say. I don't think that Lucius did so many crimes like the other Death Eaters. Kingsley will listen to me. He thinks I am a figure of authority just because I killed Voldemort."

Hermione nodded approvingly. "You must also tell Narcissa about her son's state. I don't think she knows. Tell her to be in touch more with him. Maybe it will help if she owls him every day and the other."

"Madam Pomfrey owled her but she didn't get a reply. I don't know if Narcissa got the owl in the first place or not."

"Remind me again," said Ron, "why are we trying to save Malfoy from killing himself? Don't you see that it's perfect? Instead of having us killing him, he's doing the job himself so we won't live with guilt."

Hermione glared at him. "Ron, we may not like him, but that doesn't mean we want him dead."

"He wants us dead. Why should we be any different?"

"No he doesn't" I said. "Malfoy has changed so much. The war experience taught him many lessons, and he has become a better person. You noticed he stopped bullying kids and taunting us, don't you?"

"Yeah," said Ron, but still didn't look convinced.

"And his life became so harsh that even cutting didn't feel like it was enough, so he went for suicide. No one would like anyone to live like that! Even if it was Malfoy!"

"I think you're right, Harry," Hermione said. "I mean, if Malfoy started liking you, he must have changed a lot."

"No, he still doesn't like me. He reminded me more than one time that we are not friends."

"No," said Hermione. "I don't think Malfoy hates you. Of course he won't tell you that he likes you either; he doesn't want to reach that level of humiliation, but judging from what you said, that you spent the whole day playing Quidditch and helping each other with the homework, I think that Malfoy is starting to think of you as a friend. Not only because he has no one else, but because he saw the real you. And everyone who knows you well can never hate you."

I smiled at her, "thanks, Hermione." From the inside however, I was bursting with joy. I just hoped Hermione was right and Malfoy did like me. I didn't know why I cared whether he did or not, but I knew that I'd be very glad if he stopped hating me.

After sending a letter to Kingsley and another one to Mrs. Malfoy, I curled in my bed and pulled the covers over to my chin. Despite being tired, I couldn't sleep. My mind was so busy thinking about many things…

I didn't check on Malfoy on the Marauder's Map. I had faith that he will keep his promise and will never attempt suicide again. But I was thinking of the rush of emotions I felt tonight. After a long conflict between my heart and brain, I finally admitted to myself that I might be having some feelings toward Malfoy. The thought was so disturbing because:

One, I can't be gay! I am straight. I had sex with Ginny. I didn't like it, maybe, but I thought that was because we weren't experienced. Now, I think I might be wrong.

Two, it is bloody Malfoy.

And three, it is bloody fucking Malfoy, for god's sake!

But then again, there will be no harm if I had thoughts for Malfoy, right? Thoughts will never be revealed and will stay a secret in my mind forever. No one would know about them.

Just before I can go to sleep, I heard an owl tapping on my window. I opened the glass and untied the letter from the huge owl, which I recognized as Malfoy's. A small piece of parchment read:

Potter, If you can, please come to the Dungeons.

The password is 'Morgana'

Wear the Cloak.

DM

I wondered why Malfoy wanted me to go to him now when we were just together minutes ago, but I took my Cloak anyway and left. Ron and Hermione didn't see me leaving as they were so busy snogging angrily on the couch.

When I reached the wall that hid the door of the Slytherins' Common Room, I wore the Cloak and muttered the password. I descended to the dorms, to the seventh room (as I had guessed would be for the seventh years' students, and I was right.)

"Malfoy, what is it you wanted to see me for?" He was lying on his bed and covered with dark green covers.

"Potter, you finally came!"

"Something wrong, Malfoy?"

"I am so terrified! I can't sleep."

"What is it? Something happened?" I asked impatiently.

"I am afraid to go to sleep and have nightmares again. Like every night."

"You brought me, all the way from my dormitory till here, because you're having nightmares?" He must have gone mad! Seriously…

"Yes," Malfoy nodded. His face was the only thing visible from the covers. He was pulling the covers tightly around him as if his life depended on it. "Problem?" Oh, God. He looked so cute with that childish face. I wanted to smack myself for letting my brain think of him as cute… again.

"No, Malfoy. No problem at all." I sighed and sat on the bed beside him which once has belonged to one of his friends. "What do you want me to do?"

"What do people do to let other people stop having nightmares?"

"Mmm… I don't know." I reached my hand to touch his. I prayed not to blush from a mere touch, or worse getting stopped by Malfoy, but he didn't seem like he wanted me to let go of it. He smelled of alcohol, and I knew that Malfoy was drunk when I saw the evidence: beside him on the table was a half-finished bottle of Firewhisky. I had no idea from where did he bring it, though.

"From where did you get the Firewhisky?"

"Stole it from the kitchens."

"I shouldn't have showed you the way in… I muttered to myself.

"Can you stay here with me till I sleep?" He asked, and I suddenly found my throat very dry. "Please?" He added.

My heart was beating rapidly, and I didn't know why. "I have to go to my House, Malfoy_" I said.

"You said you cared about me!" He groaned.

"I do."

"Then why not sleep here on one of those beds. I hate being alone all the time."

"You are not alone, now."

He smiled. "I'll take that as a yes, then?" I had to agree. I can't say no to that cute face he wore now. Who knew that Firewhisky could turn Malfoy into a cuddly teddy bear?

"I suppose… It would do no harm if I stayed here for the night."

Malfoy beamed like he was never happier in his life.

"Thanks, Harry…"

I was petrified! He called me 'Harry'. He never called me by my first name before. I tried not to linger my thoughts for too long on how beautiful it sounded passing through his lips.

I finally found my voice, and said "Good night." I finally let go of his hand and slept on the bed I was sitting on. I muttered "Nox," and the lights went out.

Malfoy wasn't lying. He was having nightmares. He woke me up twice in the night and wasn't able to return back to sleep until I sang him songs and stroked his head, as if I was putting a baby to bed.

In the morning however, his childish self was gone, and Malfoy was back to normal.

"Morning, Malfoy," I said sleepily.

"Mornin', Potter."

I quickly got out of bed and made the bed up, before Malfoy demands me to do it. The man always wants everything to be proper.

As I was stepping out of the door, Malfoy said "Potter."

I turned back to look at him.

"Umm, thanks... You know, for staying with me the whole night."

"No problem, Malfoy. Friends are for each other. Don't drink too much next time, though."

He smiled.

"So you agree then?" I asked.

"Agree on what?"

"That we are friends."

"I think we have passed that part, yes."

I grinned widely, and left…

AN: Reviews are like cookies, whether they're chocolate-chipped or Oreos, one can never get enough of them. So please review and let me know what do you think of this fic.