Sad news folks, apparently you can't really get gay faux married or gay real married in Nevada. But let's give whoever is in charge of that shit the two fingered salute and these girls are gonna do it anyway =)
VEGAS – PART 2
Elvis rolled his eyes. He couldn't tell if they were just a pair of natural gigglers or drunk. Whatever. He was used to it, they got a lot of both. And damn, that Barbra impersonator was pretty good. "Have you prepared your vows?" He asked the young couple standing in front of him at the alter of the King's Wedding Chapel with a fierce Barbra Streisand watching over them from the side like a proud mother hen.
"I want to go first," said Brittany, as she bounced up and down in anticipation. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead together with Santana's, their eyes locked onto each other and it was like there was no one else in the room.
"I loved you from the second I saw you. And I knew you felt exactly the same when my mom took us to the mall and you attacked the freaky mime there and bit him cos he scared me. And even though we're banned from the mall for life and have to go in disguise every time we want to buy something, it was so totally worth it. Oh and my mom figured it out on that day too, just so's you know." With that, Brittany pulled Santana into a passionate kiss which went on and on and on...
Elvis cleared his throat trying to catch their attention and Barbra elbowed him sharply in the ribs and gave him a warning glare for interrupting. Eventually chemistry got in the way of their chemistry and a lack of oxygen broke them apart. Brittany slowly smiled and sighed, perfectly content.
"Santana? Your turn," said Elvis, he could see he was going to have to keep on reminding these two they were on a tight schedule.
"Oh yeah," she giggled. "I kinda forgot where we were for a minute there." She took Brittany's hands in hers and entwined their fingers together.
"B, you're the smartest person I know. It's like you can hear the song the universe is playing and you're absolutely beautiful dancing to it. When I touch you it's like I'm dancing with you and there is nowhere else I want to be. I love you and I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out."
During this epic and unusual exchange of vows Barbra noticed Elvis making sidelong glances at her. "What?" she hissed with a glower. "Shouldn't you be concentrating?"
"I was just wondering where you got your nose done. It's really good. I've never seen one that accurate."
She leaned in and spoke right up in his face. "Listen to me you poor excuse for a wannabe. Get these girls married or I will personally see to it that you..." Out of the corner of their vision they turned slowly to see Brittany and Santana watching them with fascination. "Just get on with it." Barbra snapped at Elvis and nodded to the girls.
"Do you Brittany S. Pierce take Santana to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
As Brittany opened her mouth to speak, Santana screamed. "Wait!"
The proceedings screeched to a halt. Everyone watched with interest as she dug around in her pockets looking for something, searching each pocket thoroughly then went back to the first one and pulled out two tiny pink cocktail umbrellas. "Here." She opened them and tucked one behind Brittany's ear and in return, Brittany tucked one behind hers. "Carry on Mr Elvis." She said calmly.
"Do you Brittany S. Pierce take Santana to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Yes, I mean I will. I mean, I do."
"Do you Santana C. Lopez take Brittany to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do!" She shouted and they both dissolved into a giggling fit with their arms wrapped around each other.
"Do you have the rings?"
"Rings? Shit rings, I forgot rings."
Everyone looked around frantically for something they could use for wedding rings while Elvis just pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. What had he ever done to deserve this?
Barbra cleared her throat and pointed at Brittany's right arm and Santana's left, indicating the handcuffs. "Can't you just use those?" she asked raising an eyebrow. "I get the feeling, for you two, they'd be kind of appropriate."
"Mother. Fungling. Genius." Santana laughed in delight.
Brittany got a mischievous grin on her face. "They are kind of like giant rings."
"That's fine, whatever." Elvis was sounding more and more exasperated as the ceremony went on. "We haven't got all night, there's a mad rush on with these discount vouchers. Yoda thinks he's such a smart ass getting more punters in." He moved on quickly after receiving another Barbra glare.
"With the power of the state vested in me and in front of these witnesses I now pronounce you wife and wife, thank you very much. You may kiss the bride."
That last part was totally unnecessary as they were already wrapped around each other and making out rather passionately not giving a damn who was watching.
"Ahem. We have a lot more weddings to get through so if you could save the party until later and take it somewhere else," asked Elvis.
The girls broke apart, Santana looking rather giddy and dazed at having been kissed so passionately whilst under the affects of alcohol and Brittany was so happy she was almost floating on air. They grabbed Barbra into a double handcuffed glomp of a hug and she hugged them back fiercely. "Well done girls, well done."
"Can we get a move on? Uh huh, uh huh. Wedding photos."
They all stood and posed while some little guy they assumed was the mysteriously named Yoda, snapped some shots. He handed the camera to Elvis and he plugged it into his laptop to upload the photos.
"I have to go I'm afraid girls," sighed Barbra with real regret. These kids were crazy, and she was pleased to admit she liked them a lot. She nodded her head indicating her highly anxious looking assistant. "Before Hillary here blows a blood vessel. Thanks for inviting me and I'm so happy for you. Try and be a bit nicer to this Rachel girl and I'll pass on an autographed photo."
"And Kurt."
"Pardon me?"
"Could you sign it to Rachel and Kurt?" Santana sniggered envisioning them fighting over it.
"Thank you," Brittany hugged Barbra and her assistant who was looking thoroughly stressed out and more than a little bewildered.
Santana smiled shyly at the superstar. "Thank you."
"I hope you girls are very happy together."
"We are, forever," beamed Brittany.
"Ms Streisand we really have to go," Hillary, her assistant tapped her foot impatiently.
"Is there anything I can do for you two as a wedding gift?"
Santana looked over at Brittany who was standing at full stretch as far as the cuffs would allow, waiting impatiently next to Elvis's laptop for the wedding photos to upload. "What? No! I mean you've done enough really just being here. B's so happy you came."
"Are you sure? Young love. I'd be happy to do something for you, tickets for the show?"
"Actually, do you know which hotel has the pirate ship?"
"That'll be Treasure Island. You really don't want to see the show do you?"
"Thanks, but Britt really wants to see the pirates."
"That's it, that's your gift? Directions."
"Well, maybe there is something." She leaned over and whispered intently in Barbra's ear.
Barbra frowned and considered the request, then laughed. "It wont be the strangest request I've ever made. Hmm, leave it to me. Midnight." She hugged Santana again. "Good luck, kid. Make sure you look after that girl."
"I will," she promised fervently, trying to look serious but failing to keep the ridiculously happy grin from her face.
"Have a great show!" Brittany called as the singer made her way down the aisle. "Make sure you go to the bathrooms by the whirly table. They've got carpets!"
"Break a leg," Santana hollered across the chapel.
"San!"
"She knows what I mean."
They waved goodbye as Barbra freakin' Streisand left the building.
"So ladies," interrupted Elvis. "And how are you going to pay for this?"
"I didn't bring any money," said Brittany.
"Neither did I." Santana slapped a hand to her forehead. "It's all in the room. Oh wait. I've got a credit card, will that do?"
"Don't forget this." Brittany waved their discount voucher in Elvis' face. Elvis snatched the card out of her hand and the voucher and before they could blink it was swiped and paid for and done and dusted.
"Awesome," she smiled happily. "Let's go celebrate!"
"Bye Elvis," Brittany winked. "If that is, in fact, your real name."
"Say hi to Yoda and stay off the burgers!"
Out in the cool night air the newlyweds walked down the Vegas strip, their arms swinging between them and hands clasped. For once in her life Santana found herself lost for words and worryingly self-conscious. She looked down at their hands but didn't dare to look up at Brittany. An expectant silence had descended upon them. Eventually with a sigh she glanced sideways to find Brittany watching her with an adoring gaze and a knowing smile causing the tips of Santana's ears to turn red.
"What now?" Brittany asked quietly, finally breaking the silence.
"I've got a surprise for you." Santana returned the smile almost shyly. "It's a bit further down this way."
They walked in comfortable silence, simply relishing the others closeness and how awesome this night was proving to be. Every now and then one would glance sideways and simply smile joyfully at the other. Brittany moved closer and closer to Santana as they walked until their right and left arms respectively, were entwined around the other.
Santana finally thought of something clever to say. Pure genius she was. "Who do you think would win in a fight, Elvis or Barbra?"
Brittany considered the question thoughtfully. "Barbra, totally. No question. She's a total bad ass, she reminds me a bit of you." Santana looked quite pleased at the compliment.
"We're nearly there," said Santana after ten minutes walk of leaning comfortably into each other. "Close your eyes." She stepped in front of Brittany, reached up and covered the other girls eyes with her hands. Thankfully they didn't have much further to go because this simple action was infinitely trickier than normal because of the handcuffs. Santana had to walk in front of Brittany but backwards herself so they didn't perform a weird upright version of Twister.
"Ready? And... Ta da!" She dropped her hands.
Brittany was jumping up and down in excitement, she squeaked with delight.
"Pirates!"
"Arrrr," Santana affirmed. "There's like a show or something and these mermaids try and lure the pirates to their death-" she began to explain.
"I want an eyepatch," Brittany demanded, totally oblivious to anything like show, plot, or the fact that there was a battle currently running on the pond in front of the Treasure Island hotel, pirates firing cannons from their ship and shouting and splashing while almost a hundred onlookers watched in awe.
"You got it babe." Santana calmly accepted it in her stride.
Anything for her girl. Her wife. Shit. Her wife. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Something stirred deep inside her but she couldn't figure it out through the alcohol induced haze her brain was struggling to function in. She pushed the feeling aside and filed it away to be pondered over later. This was important, this was something massive and she needed time.
"Lets go." The gulp in her voice was lost as she pulled Brittany away from the crowds and around the corner where, out of view, they scrambled over the fence, which is extremely hard whilst handcuffed btw. They landed with a thud and a giggle concealed from the view of the crowd by some shrubbery.
"This way," Santana said in a hushed whisper. Why she was whispering she couldn't say, there were cannons going off frequently with loud bangs, explosions, shouting, screaming and sexy mermaids dancing around, so the crowds watching were paying no attention to some moving, giggling shrubbery.
"Remember your Cheerios training," Santana whispered before they slid down into the water tank where the tourist attraction was housed. "And we will get out alive."
"Wait." Brittany sounded worried. "What if I get seasick?"
"You won't, I promise," and Santana leaned over and kissed her fiercely making her momentarily forget her worries.
They entered the water like Navy SEALS entering a combat situation, only their eyes and the top of their heads visible above the waterline, and made their way over to the ship. As the carefully enacted war took centre stage at the front of the ship no one noticed two girls climb up the other side of the vessel via a convenient rope ladder and onto the deck. They ducked down behind some barrels as a man on fire ran screaming past them and threw himself off the side of the ship into the water.
"Don't worry, I'm sure that was part of the show," whispered Santana hopefully.
"Which one do you want?" Brittany asked. They peered over the top of the barrels observing the fighting pirates and what looked like hot wet dancers, which was a bit confusing. A devilish grin emerged on Santana's face as she sighted the pirate she wanted.
"That one." Her eyes gleamed as she pointed to the front of the ship where the Captain was barking out orders to his scurvy sea dogs, wearing the prized eyepatch. Brittany smirked in response.
They were momentarily distracted from their prey as a pirate scrambled down from the crow's nest from the nearby mast and fatally paused to pick a cutlass up off the deck. It cost him his dignity. Before he realised what was upon him he was highly effectively clotheslined by the two handcuff wearing teenagers. They dragged his limp body back behind the barrels and began to strip his clothes off. They then tugged the groggy sailor/actor/clueless innocent/poor kid trying to work his way through college, to the side of the ship and tipped him overboard.
Brittany giggled maniacally as she undressed and took the stolen pirate shorts, shirt, waistcoat and bandanna and began to put them on. Her laughter was short lived as she spent a thoroughly puzzled few minutes trying to work out how to put on the shirt and waistcoat over the handcuffs. Each failed attempt drove Santana further and further into hysterics. Brittany eventually settled on simply ripping the clothes out of sheer frustration and huffed as Santana was no use whatsoever and just laughed helplessly.
"Your turn," grinned Pirate Brittany, finally dressed, nodding towards the Captain. "Let's do it." Santana snorted with laughter right in Brittany's face, all control lost. "Hey stop it," she pouted. "Come on. I still haven't got my eyepatch yet." She grabbed Santana's face in her free hand, squeezing her cheeks as tears of laughter trickled down onto her hand. Brittany tilted her head to the side and her eyes narrowed. She pulled Santana towards her and kissed her, immediately halting the laughing. She felt a smile as she was kissed right back.
"That's cheating! No fair." Santana mumbled.
"I learned from the best. Now come on before they find that pirates body and call CSI."
Brittany took command, convinced no one would suspect them as intruders now she was cunningly disguised as a pirate. She picked up the discarded cutlass and dragged Santana, who was still seemingly deeply involved in a fits of random hysterics, across the deck dodging shouting pirates and random waves which seemed to shoot up over the side of the ship without provocation. She jumped up the stairs three at a time to the top deck, using mad dancing skills to keep Santana upright by her side the entire time, until they reached the Captain standing by the ships wheel and shouting a lot.
Santana watched with unabashed awe as Brittany jumped onto the Captain's back and wrestled him to the ground. She shoved his hat down hard on his head until it touched his nose so he couldn't see his attacker.
"This isn't in the script," he screamed. "My agent will hear about this! Mmmmmphfff." Brittany tied her bandana around his mouth and gagged him. The actor flopped on the floor, he had seemingly fainted from the shock attack.
"You are so awesome," sighed Santana proudly at her girl. Wife. Shit.
Brittany pulled his long crimson coat off and threw it at Santana then went to work on his shirt. Santana's giggles abated only to be replaced with shocked hiccups brought on by laughing too much. She nearly choked on a hiccup when a fat hairy pirate appeared next to her, seemingly out of nowhere.
"What are you doing?" He demanded, trying to work out what part of the show this was supposed to be.
"He collapsed," Brittany yelled above the battle noise. "We have to get his clothes off so he can breathe!"
"Oh shit. I'll go get help," and the pirate dashed away.
"Quick!" she threw a shirt at Santana and then finally relieved the Captain of his last shred of dignity by stealing his breeches. Santana grabbed the pièce de résistance, his eyepatch, and then decided she wanted his hat as well. She was mildly relieved to hear him moan as she tugged off the hat where it was wedged down on his nose, indicating he still lived.
They scurried away to the barrels but didn't have time to get changed as the music and show ground to a halt. The battle ceased and paramedics boarded the ship and ran to the Captain. The cast gathered around them. Murmurs from the crowd could be heard as they tried to catch a glimpse of what was happening.
"Man overboard!" Someone screamed, having caught sight of the first unfortunate pirate victim struggling out of the water. He appeared horrified to see everyone looking at him stripped down to his briefs. Behind the barrels Santana and Brittany sat stock still wondering what in the name of hell to do now. They looked up.
With everyone distracted by the almost naked actors, the Captain milking the attention like he was featuring in an epic death scene written by Shakespeare himself, the girls took advantage of the situation and tiptoed over to the mast, climbing up to the crows nest out of reach from prying eyes. They ducked down in the small perch at the top of the mast hidden from view in plain sight. Santana dressed hurriedly trying not to laugh as she struggled with her shirt and coat just as much as Brittany had.
"What's is called when you take over a ship?" Brittany mused quietly.
"Piracy."
"Oh." Brittany sounded surprised. "Even a pirate ship?"
"I guess."
"That kinda makes sense."
The crowds dispersed soon after the paramedics had left having found nothing broken but some egos. The rest of the actors had left long ago happy for an early finish. It was getting late and the lights which lit up the ship during performances were turned off leaving only a few dim artistically placed spotlights to light the ship to dramatic effect. Hotel staff and security had searched the ship for the alleged blonde pirate attacker tied to another dark haired girl, as the Captain had identified them. Finding nothing aboard the ship they went on to search the rest of the hotel grounds and facilities.
In the crows nest, slumped against the mast, Brittany snored gently wearing her eyepatch with her head resting on Santana's shoulder, the captains coat draped triumphantly over her. Santana sighed happily. What a night. And it wasn't over.
Peering over the edge of the lookout Santana could see the odd flashlight appear in the grounds from the extra security patrol placed on guard for the rest of the night. She looked up to the top of one of the hotels easily visible from the ship and checked the time from where a giant digital clock was mounted. 11:58.
"B, wake up," Santana nudged the gently snoozing girl.
"Mmmmphff wassat? Ten more minutes." Brittany mumbled. The clock turned to 11:59. There was no time left to waste so Santana kissed her awake. "Hmmmmm," Brittany smiled as her eyes opened.
"You were pretending to be asleep," Santana accused.
"I was resting my eyes, and waiting for you to kiss me."
"You have to wake up for this. I've got another surprise for you."
"I love surprises!"
"I know you do, watch the hotels." Brittany waited with interest as the clock on the hotel front counted down to midnight. "C'mon Barbra, don't let me down," Santana muttered under her breath.
Perfectly on cue, all the lights on the front of the hotels went out and then lit up in a specific sequence. From their birds eye view in the crows nest the lights ran down the Vegas strip, peoples hotel room lights flashed off and on to spell out a message. The lights spelled out inside a heart shape 'B+S forever'
I will never disrespect the Streisand again. Not even to piss off Rachel. Santana swore to herself in triumph.
Brittany's jaw dropped open and she squeaked in surprise she turned to see Santana grinning wildly at her. "How did you do that?" she squealed throwing herself further into Santana's arms.
"Ahh well, you know. Anything for you babe."
After approximately twenty seconds and without further warning all the lights went out and the message disappeared. Then all the street lights went out, and the traffic lights and buildings, businesses, casinos, hotels. You get the picture. The strip turned to darkness for miles around, the only light which cast a dim silvery sheen over everything came from the moon high above them.
"Oops. I think we blew the power," Santana sniggered. "We are just that awesome."
Voices rose up from the street and the people still out who had been enjoying their evening got louder wondering what was happening.
"We have to get out of here. C'mon, B, quietly, there's security around."
Santana began to climb over the edge of the lookout and watched as Brittany stretched and then shouted like Sloth from the Goonies as loud as she possibly could. "Hey you guys!" from the top of the pirate ship. Santana stared wide eyed at Brittany who grinned back. "I've always wanted to do that." she explained. "What?" she asked in response to the horrified look Santana was wearing. "No one saw me, it's dark!"
From somewhere in the dark undergrowth a dog barked. The dog belonging to the security patrol.
To avoid the guard dog they swam over the same way they had come in and freedom was within Santana's reach as she got them to the fence. A growling and rustling from the undergrowth thought otherwise as an overzealous guard dog which had escaped from its leash confronted them. Santana closed her eyes and stood in front of Brittany, her mind screaming, I knew she would be the death of me. I knew it. Teeth! Teeth! Teeth! Then, nothing happened.
She cracked open an eye and her fear fizzled away as she watched the stupid dog flop down on the floor at Brittany's feet and roll onto its back. "Awww he's so cute. Hello fluffy," Brittany cooed, rubbing his belly. "We should totally get a dog San."
Shaking her head in disbelief, unable to comment on the idea and still in shock from what she had been certain was a near death situation, Santana pulled Brittany to the fence and they scrambled over it and onto the sidewalk. Santana started swaying on the spot in drunken relief, alcohol wrapping around her brain and comforting her.
"Bye, puppy," Brittany whispered, sticking her fingers through the chainlink fence and laughing as the dog licked her fingers. "Are you okay?" Brittany asked worriedly eyeing up Santana who looked like she'd just endured a sea battle and a run in with a kraken.
"I feel like I'm on the sea."
"How much of the seawater did you swallow? Ewww, I bet people pee in it."
"I need a cocktail," Santana muttered morosely at the thought of pee.
"Let's have the green ones this time," Brittany agreed excitedly. They began the long dark walk back to the hotel, soaking wet, leaving a trail of wet footprints behind them and totally happy for two different reasons. Santana for being alive and not mauled to death and Brittany. Well, she was always happy.
"Who are B and S?" They could hear people muttering. "They've wrecked Vegas, whoever they are."
"This shouldn't be allowed, they should be caught and locked up."
"You cant have Vegas without power!"
"Hey isn't B and S, Barbra Streisand's initials?" Santana dropped the comment into the middle of the pedestrians and let the rumour circulate. "Yeah, wasn't she performing at one of the hotels?" She said next to another group of clucking, tutting strangers.
They walked through the discontented people huffing and puffing on the sidewalks, handcuffed hand in handcuffed hand. Brittany reached into her pirate pocket and pulled out their remaining bedraggled vouchers she had won at the casino.
"Hey, what have we got left?" She lifted up her eyepatch to read them in the moonlight. They thumbed through the pile of soggy paper.
"A strip club wont be any use in the dark. What about Joey's pizza?"
"I'm still stuffed with those volcano things they served at the casino."
"Vol-au-vent's?"
"That's what I said."
"Seeing how the theme for this trip is turning out to be forever, I think we should do this," Santana held up a wet voucher triumphantly. It read, 'Viva Las Vegas Tattoo Parlour'.
"Yeah!" Brittany agreed way too easily, beaming happily. "We have the best ideas! And it's open 24 hours!"