After Glow:

CHERRY: The rustling of sheets woke me from my haze of dreams, and I peeled my eyes open to see the blurred image of someone rising out of the bed next to me. My memory caught up with the present, and realizing it was Ponyboy, I reached out to him, catching his wrist in my hand. Pony hesitated for a moment before sighing and gently removing my fingers from around his wrist, avoiding my gaze. I pulled my hand back in to my naked body, my skin prickling in the cold that escaped through the window.

"Ponyboy," I whispered to him, watching him pull on his clothes that had been discarded across the room only hours earlier. "Pony, remember what you promised me," I pleaded, hoping he'd turn around to look at me. When he didn't acknowledge me, I sat up in the bed and wrapped the sheets around my chest. "PONYBOY!" I screamed, my pulse rising as he simply paused in pulling down his shirt before bringing it all the way down his torso.

"What?" he breathed, picking up his shoes and slipping them on. "What do you want me to say? That I love you and we should do this again sometime? Look, Cherry, we both know I can't stay here any longer, if I do, you're old man's gonna personally cut my dick off. So whatever it is you want it's just gonna have to wait cause I gotta go."

I curled my fingers into the folds of the sheets as I watched him finish lacing up his tennis shoes and slip into the sleeves of his jacket, hating myself every moment I thought he'd turn around and laugh and say he was only joking. I wanted him to…God, I wanted him to…but he only glanced at me before leaving the room and closing the bedroom door behind him quietly. I sat there, naked and alone, for the longest time. Long after I knew he'd left the house and was well down the street. Long after I heard my parents' car pull into the drive-way and the call of my name from their voice. And then I collapsed.

PONYBOY: It was only until a few minutes after I had fallen asleep that I realized what I had done. I had slept with someone I would never be able to see again, someone I loved more than myself, and if I wanted to live, I'd have to break both her heart and mine. I knew that sooner or later, someone would find out about us, and then some Soc would get it in his head to teach me and the rest of us greasers a lesson about fucking Soc girls. I didn't want any more fighting. I was sick of it. I'd gotten tougher after Johnny and Dal had died, started carrying a blade on me, and I'd used it more than once on anyone who messed with me. But I still didn't want to kill anyone, not like Johnny and Dally had. And if anyone found out about me and Cherry, I'd have to kill, I'd kill freely. And who knew what they would do to her? What would become of her if we were discovered? I'd always told her I didn't care, that I wanted to be with her no matter what. Now, I regretted ever telling her such things. Her love was something I was never supposed to know, never supposed to taste. I'd crossed the line, and I could never go back to where I was before. If I was supposed to save us, I had to make her hate me. I had to kill her inside to let her live. And I had to cut out my own heart to save myself from feeling anything for her again. I was walking away from her and our pretend world, and I wasn't planning on coming back.

CHERRY: I saw him last night. By the drive-in. He was there…watching me, hoping I didn't notice him. Oh, I noticed him, alright. I noticed him so much I wanted to reach over and tear his head off, but I only ignored him. I only snapped my gum and leaned up against the hood of Randy's car, laughing my famous laugh and flipping my hair just so, letting Pony see that I had no use for him anymore. I caught his eye just before he left with Two-Bit and the others, and even though I'd forced myself to hate him for months, my body trembled under his gaze. His hair had already grown long and curled around his ears, the dye almost gone from it. He wore a tight black shirt that showed off the hard muscles he'd earned from puberty and endless fighting, and I suddenly wanted to reach out and feel the planes of his abdomen like I had only months before. He was growing up. Soon he'd be getting all sorts of girls pawing after him, and he'd break all their hearts, just like he had mine. Remembering why we weren't together in the first place, I forced myself to turn my gaze away, but not before he gave me a weak grin, his grey eyes teasing me unknowingly. I let out a shaky gasp, tears welling up in my eyes unexpectedly, and I covered my face with my hands. I let out a harsh sob, making Randy and the others jump to my side in concern. But I didn't pay any attention to them. God, after all this time, I still was in love with him. And all he could do was smile at me. That bastard! Didn't he know how much he'd hurt me when he'd just walked out on me? I had called his house over and over again before Soda told me it was better if I just didn't call anymore. Pony wasn't interested anymore, and he just wanted me to leave him alone. That was what cut me deepest. So he'd only used me? But Pony wasn't like that, was he? He couldn't be. There had to be something beneath the surface, something he was trying to hide. I had tried talking to him at school, but he only ignored me, brushing me aside whenever I reached out to him. I couldn't believe that the boy who had held me so tenderly in his arms only a few days before could be so cold and heartless to me now. No matter how much I tried not to, I kept remembering the way he'd kissed me, his breath still on my skin, how it felt when he made love to me. I could still feel him inside me, beating, and breathing. I couldn't forget him, and even now, four months later, I still could hear him moaning in my ear as he came inside me, could still feel his hands on my skin. He had all of me, and I could never get it back. Not now anyway. He had my heart locked inside his cage, and he was there, dangling the keys in front of my face, taunting me with his grey eyes and inviting smile. He tells me I can take it back whenever I want, but we both know that will never happen. He'll always own my love, and it pleases him in so many sick ways to know I'll never love anyone but him. God, I want to kill him. But if I did, I'd only be killing myself. I can't live without him, and yet I'm forced to against my will. I want to shout out and throw my purse against his thick head and demand to know why he won't talk to me, why he won't see me. It's like he chooses not to remember how much he loved me, if he ever did at all. I want him to know how horrible it feels, I want him to feel just as bad as I do, but how can I when he just doesn't care anymore? Randy asks me if I'm okay and I only look up at him and give him one of the many smiles I've faked in the past.

"No," I say, and I say it to my heart as well. No. No. No. NO. YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM! He left you, remember? He doesn't want you anymore. You're nothing to him. No. You can't have him.

And then I go back to life the way it was before I loved Ponyboy Curtis…and I try to erase my heart's memory one more time tonight…before it grows back only to fester and die.

PONYBOY: Why did I smile at her? God dammit, WHY? She had only looked away from me, but I could tell that I'd only opened up another wound. Well…maybe it was for the best? God dammit, Pony, what the fuck are you saying? You didn't want this…did you? Yes, I did. I wanted to hurt her. I wanted to push her away…God, how can I think that? I never wanted this. I never wanted to leave her; I never wanted to hurt her. I didn't mean to do this…not this…

I watched her ride away with Randy and her friends, and I followed after Two-Bit and his girl, Nikki, glancing away when he kissed her fondly on the mouth. I'd kissed Cherry that way once…a time that felt like ages now. I'd held her in my arms and smelt her skin, tasted her mouth against mine. I was dying inside. Everyone could see it, Two-Bit the most. He told me he knew that look. That look when you know you've just kissed good-bye the best damn thing that ever happened to you. He'd almost lost Nikki once, and he told me he'd kept that look on his face for a long ass time before he went back to her and admitted he'd been an ass. That was another thing that had surprised me about old Two-Bit: he'd hooked himself a Soc girl. Well, a former Soc, anyway. Nikki had come from the same neighborhood as Cherry, her and her friend Arisa, and there isn't a day that her once "friends" spit at her and shout out "Greaser whore!" whenever they see her. But she doesn't care. She loves that good for nothing bastard more than anything. She even left her fancy upper-class house to move in with him and his mom, getting a waitressing job to help pay bills. They were getting married in a few months, and I was surprised that it had nothing to do with Nikki being pregnant. Watching them now, I started to wonder if what I had done to Cherry had been the right thing. It was all too obvious that we were both hurting…and it was all because of me. But for once, I didn't care about myself anymore. I just wanted Cherry to be alright. Hurting her wasn't doing anything but driving me crazy with longing, and I needed to make things right. I just hoped it wasn't too late to admit I'd been an ass.