AN: I'm so sorry it has been so long since I last updated… School kind of swept me away once it started, and I had really bad writer's block with this chapter. The next update hopefully won't take so long. However, this chapter is the longest one yet, so that's my gift to you guys in exchange for taking so long.
Just a side note, the song used later in this chapter is "The Merry Widow Waltz" by Franz Lehar if you feel like listening to it at some point… It really is a beautiful piece of music.
So please drop me a review if you like it or think I could improve on something…. I hope you enjoy!
As soon as Erik left the room, I began to silently panic. There were so many different emotions coursing through me that I didn't know how to properly deal with them all. Obviously there was some flattery, and happiness that Erik had broken through his complete emotionless mask to ask me to do something nice. There was some excitement at getting to dress up, and even some excitement at Erik seeing me all dressed up, and not like he had after I had fought with Raoul and shown up at the theatre crying. A large amount of nervousness and anxiety seemed to tinge everything as well.
However, underneath all of that there was a large amount of fear; Fear of the unknown, fear of my own emotions, and even a small amount of fear of Erik. I had no idea what this dinner meant to him, and I was still wrestling with what it meant to me. Despite everything I had tried, I couldn't find it in my heart to hate him as I knew I had every right to. He had taken me from Meg, Raoul and everything I had ever known…
And yet, no matter how long I dwelled on it, there was no hatred for him there.
That fact in itself was more frightening than anything else.
Still deep in thought, I made my way over to the washroom and decided to run myself a hot bath, in hope that it would help me to think more clearly. I found rose-scented bath oil in the cupboard, my favourite scent; At times it was downright alarming to realize how much Erik knew about me.
After the giant claw-foot tub was almost overflowing with water, I slowly lowered myself into the tub and revelled in the warmth. It seemed to calm my nerves almost instantly, and I closed my eyes, allowing my brain to simply relax.
I lay there until the water turned cold and goose bumps covered my entire body, then quickly washed my hair using the attached shower head and wrapped myself in a giant, fuzzy towel. After blow-drying my hair to ensure that it wasn't completely unmanageable, I walked into the large closet to attempt to find something to wear.
The closet was lined with garment bag after garment bag, all of them from expensive labels that I had only ever peered at through store windows. The contents of the closet probably cost more than my entire year's rent. With a sigh, I went over to the closest garment bag and pulled the zipper open, wondering how many bags I would have to go through to find something I liked.
A pink cocktail dress hung within the bag, and I instantly loved the strap that came over one shoulder. The fabric draped beautifully, and I almost stopped looking after only one dress, however, something about it wasn't quite right.
I zipped the bag back up and began unzipping others, each one not what I wanted. The reality was that Erik saw me as a young girl, which of course I was, but I didn't want to be a girl to him… I wanted to be a woman. As much as a lot of that was up to how I acted, walking into dinner in an innocent pink dress wasn't going to convey that I wanted to be seen as mature.
I had unzipped over half of the bags that obviously contained dresses, and I still hadn't found anything that was what I wanted. Had Erik stocked this entire closet with incredibly girly clothes? If he had I was going to have to convince him to go get some more clothing…
The dress that hung within the bag I had unzipped caused me to stop.
It was beautiful. I pulled the bag off of the gown so I could see it better and brought it out of the closet to lay it on my bed. It looked even better in the light.
It was a black, floor-length lace gown with long sleeves, but the piece that the lace pulled over top of was nothing more than short strapless dress of the same colour. This meant that from just above my knee to the floor would be covered by nothing more than the beautiful lace, as well as my arms and shoulders.
Smiling to myself, I pulled the robe off myself, pulled the dress over my head and shimmied it down my body. It didn't surprise me that even the tight fabric fit my body perfectly. Slowly, I turned to face the full-length mirror, grinning ear to ear about what I saw. I looked gorgeous. The dress hugged my petite body perfectly, making my short legs look long and my nearly non-existent hips look curvy. I looked elegant, beautiful, and even a little bit sexy.
After finding a pair of black strappy heels in the closet, I took the beautiful gown off and pulled the robe back on while I attempted to do my hair. Hundreds of bobby pins, a can of hairspray and an hour later, I finally managed to get it delicately piled on my head. I kept my make-up minimal, doing nothing more than gently lining my eyes and putting on some mascara. I finished off everything with some bright red lipstick, and put the gown and shoes on.
A quick glance at the clock told me it was 6:45… I had fifteen minutes until I was to meet Erik in the dining room, and knowing him it would be best to be exactly on time. Nervously, I paced around the room, deciding I should practice walking around in the heels so as not to fall going down the stairs.
The time seemed to pass too quickly, and soon I was on my way down the hall to meet Erik in the dining room. I paused at the top of the staircase, contemplating going back to my room. Why had I agreed to this evening anyways? I had no idea what to expect, and if I wasn't feeling up for it Erik would understand…
However, for some reason I found myself unable to return to my room, and before I knew it I was at the bottom of the staircase. Stopping once more to take a deep breath, I turned the corner and entered into the open ground floor.
My feet stopped immediately, and my hand flew up to my mouth in surprise. All of the couches and normal furnishings of the room had vanished, replaced with an elegant dining table and large candelabras placed around the room. A beautiful dinner was exquisitely placed on silver platters on the table, and Erik stood on one side of it.
Something about Erik looked different this evening. He was wearing a much more formal tuxedo than the suit he usually wore of course, and his hair was slicked back in a way that seemed to frame his mask and make it a part of his face. However, there was something else that I couldn't quite place my finger on.
Erik seemed unusually… happy? As our eyes met, I noticed a spark of joy that I couldn't ever remember seeing there before. For a moment neither of us moved, we just stood there gazing into each other's eyes.
Erik broke the silence first. "You look beautiful Christine."
"Thank you," I blushed, looking down at the ground. "You look very handsome as well Erik."
"Christine," Erik chuckled as he walked over to me, "There is no need to lie to me just to be polite."
I looked up at him quizzically. "I'm not lying Erik."
He stopped walking for a moment, a look of shock dancing across his face, but almost instantaneously he continued walking forward, offering his arm to me. I placed my small hand in the crook of his arm and he led me over to the table, letting go to pull out my chair for me.
After I was seated, I smoothed out the skirt of my dress nervously, not sure what to say next. I glanced up to look at Erik, who was intently staring at me from across the table. I felt a blush coming to my cheeks, which caused Erik to grin.
"Christine, I was wondering if I might ask you a question?" He asked slowly, the grin not leaving his face.
"Of course," I responded, "But only if you answer one of mine in return."
He seemed to ponder this for a moment, before giving me a slight nod. "That is perfectly fair."
"Alright," I smiled, leaning forward over the table. "You go first."
"Aside from music, what would you say offers you the most joy in life?" He asked almost immediately, as if the question had been pressing at him for a long time.
I leaned back, placing my hand against my cheek as I thought. "Hmmm… I would probably have to say reading."
He didn't seem pleased by the answer, and leaned forward over the table so his eyes could better bore into mine. "I did not mean an activity Christine; preferably something deeper than that. For example, playing music is not simply what gives you happiness, it is more so being able to experience it and be enveloped by it."
I leaned forward and placed my elbow on the table, offering Erik a nod to show that I understood what he meant. It took me substantially longer to think of an answer this time.
"Creating." I stated after what seemed like forever, but I'm sure was only a few minutes. "I think that is why I enjoy music and reading so thoroughly… With music I can interpret and create as much as I wish, and with reading I can create my own world in my mind and escape to it. Does that make sense?"
"Yes," He said simply, smiling at me in the same way he did when with his music.
"My turn," I teased, folding my hands together as I thought of a question. I had so many questions about Erik that I had difficulty just choosing one; if this was the only chance I had, I wanted to make it worth while.
"You know, there is a limit to how much one should pause for dramatic effect." Erik stated teasingly after a minute, but there seemed to be a slight amount of nervousness in his tone.
"I'm just trying to think of a good one!" I responded, trying to think again.
"Please don't leave me in suspense too long Christine…" He chuckled.
"What is your deepest regret in your life?" I asked softly, looking deep into his eyes to see his reaction.
"New question." He stated simply, his entire face lacking any emotion.
"I answered yours! You said you would answer one in return…" I sputtered, shocked at his abrupt response.
"You had every opportunity to choose a question aside from the one I asked you as well, but you chose not to." I crossed my arms over my chest, glaring at him, however, I only met the cold emotionless mask that he seemed so fond of donning. "So ask me a different question please."
"Stop that." I snapped.
He raised one eyebrow quizzically. "Stop what?"
"Stop doing that!" I said louder, motioning to his face. "I am perfectly sick of you acting so cold and emotionless every time I say something that you don't like, or makes you uncomfortable or whatever… So I'm asking you to stop."
"I can assure you that I have no idea what you mean…"
"You know perfectly well what I mean Erik." I interjected. "I wouldn't insult your intelligence by assuming that you are making your entire face and voice completely void of emotion accidentally."
He looked at me, his face not softening at all as his eyes bored into my own, but I wasn't going to back down. I met his gaze with my own, attempting to make my face as cold as his own.
"Coldness doesn't suit you Christine." He finally spoke softly, not breaking his gaze.
"It doesn't suit you either Erik." I responded instantaneously, placing my small hand over his where it was resting on the table. "You can't keep shutting me out every time I say something you don't like."
His face softened, and I saw his eyes flit to where my hand rested on his. "I'm sorry… I will offer no guarantees, but I will try not to act so coldly next time."
"All you can do is try Erik." I smiled softly, gently pulling my hand away from his.
We sat there in silence for a few moments, neither of us seeming to know what to say. After that display, I wasn't going to ask another question right away. It was finally Erik who broke the silence.
"Well my dear, would you like to see what I prepared for our dinner?" He spoke light-heartedly, standing up and moving toward the kitchen.
"Yes please," I nodded eagerly, "I'm starving!"
Erik chuckled and walked into the kitchen, coming out with two beautiful silver platters. He laid them both in the middle of the table and dramatically uncovered them to reveal a beautiful salad, some mixed vegetables that looked different from anything that I had seen before and an exquisite looking roast chicken.
"Where on Earth did you learn to cook like this Erik?" I marvelled, smiling up at him. "And of course you knew that roast chicken is my favourite food…"
"Is it?" He feigned ignorance, but could not keep the grin from his face. "What a happy coincidence."
I laughed at his light tone, serving rather large helpings of each dish onto my plate.
"Would you like champagne my dear?" Erik held out a bottle to me.
"Ummmm," I said, not sure if I should accept or not. "Sure?"
"If you don't want any that is fine my dear." He responded quickly, not understanding my hesitation.
"It's not that," I said quickly. "Since I'm underage, I'm not used to being offered alcohol, and Meg and I were never really ones to go out drinking with the other dancers."
"That makes perfect sense." He nodded, "But this really is lovely, and I think you would really enjoy it."
"Then pour away!" I laughed, watching him expertly pour the champagne into my flute, and then his own before finally taking a seat.
"I'm sorry," He shook his head, serving small amounts of food onto his plate. "I often forget how young you are Christine… You have such a wise outlook on life, and you have such a mature kind of beauty; especially this evening."
"Thank you." I said softly, quickly taking a bite of food so I didn't have to think of anything else to say.
We ate in silence for a while, but I kept glancing up to watch Erik. He took very small bites, seeming to have difficulty eating around his mask. I wondered why I had never noticed before… Had I simply not paid any attention to him when we had last eaten together?
"So Erik," I began, not wanting to spring the question on him outright. "Do I still get my question? Since technically you never answered the first one."
"Of course. That is, assuming that it is a different question than the first one."
"Is it uncomfortable to eat while wearing your mask?" I asked softly, unsure as to how he would react to me talking about his mask. I took a sip of my champagne while waiting for his response; he was right, it really was lovely.
He was silent for a moment, seeming slightly shocked that I had asked about his mask. However, he didn't completely shut me out again.
"Yes," He answered slowly, "But after wearing it for so long, I have learned to get used to it."
"W-would you like to take it off to eat?" I asked hesitantly.
"No." He answered immediately, however he tried to keep the conversation light. "I wouldn't want to spoil your appetite."
"And what if it didn't?"
"The answer would still be no." He responded, although not as instantaneously as before. "This mask is as much a part of me as my own flesh now."
I nodded in understanding, however, I didn't want to just drop the subject. "You are much more than your face Erik."
He looked at me with curiosity. "I honestly believe that you are the only one who truly thinks that Christine."
I opened my mouth and closed it again, at a loss for what to say. He didn't seem to have anything to say either, so we both ate the rest of the meal in silence. Erik finished his meal first, and politely waited for me to finish eating, although he looked like he had something he desperately wanted to say.
After a minute of him watching me eat, I put my fork down and looked at him with one eyebrow raised. "Please tell me whatever you need to, because you staring at me eat is a tad awkward." I teased.
"Will you dance with me Christine?" He said quickly, as if expecting me to say no.
"There's no music." I responded without thinking, wondering how we were going to dance about the room with nothing to dance to.
Erik smiled and walked up to the impressive stereo in the corner of the room, pressing a button. The Merry Widow Waltz began to echo from the speakers, and Erik came back over to the table and stood in front of me, offering his hand.
"Christine Daae." He said my name as if that in itself was a compliment. "Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?"
"Yes," I smiled, rising from my chair as I placed my hand in his.
Without wasting another beat, he placed his hand on my waist and led me easily around the living room. It was beautifully different than the dance we had shared at Raoul's party; where there was mostly anger before, this was slow, sweet and romantic. Soon I found myself looking up into his golden eyes, unable to look away.
I don't know how we kept dancing, although I'm pretty sure it was pretty much just Erik dragging me around the floor at that point. I saw his eyes momentarily flit down to my lips, and mine glanced at his as well… Well, what I could see of them around the mask.
I wanted to kiss Erik. He pulled me a little closer to him, although our bodies still weren't touching, and I found myself wanting to be closer to him…
My mind immediately came to a halt… I shouldn't be having any romantic feelings toward Erik. He had taken me here against my will, and I knew what his face looked like beneath his mask…
I knew what his face looked like beneath his mask.
Yet, I still wanted to lean my face up toward his and…
I ordered my brain to stop. Meg and Raoul were out there looking for me somewhere, probably worried out of their minds…
Raoul… Could I simply abandon the man that I had known since childhood? If I lost him, I would have nothing left of the piece of my life I had shared with my father. I couldn't risk losing that for Erik…
Could I?
I looked back up into Erik's eyes to see him still watching me intently, as if he could read every single thought and feeling flitting through my brain. There were too many emotions whirling around in my skull, and I couldn't handle them all at once; certainly not while standing an inch away from the man causing them all.
I jumped away from him abruptly, turning so I wouldn't be able to see the pain in his eyes. A tear cascaded down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away.
"I'm sorry Erik." I whispered, not turning to look at him. "I just… I just can't do this!"
Without waiting for his reply, I picked up the skirt of my dress and ran up stairs, throwing open my bedroom door and flinging it closed behind me.
Tears flowed freely down my face now, and I kicked off the ridiculous pair of shoes and sat down on the floor, pulling my knees close to me so I could put my face on them. I sat that way, sobbing as tears stained the sleeves of the beautiful dress.
I shouldn't be feeling this way. After everything Erik had done to me, how could I even think about betraying Raoul for him? How could I let myself feel anything toward Erik… Was I a terrible human being for doing so?
I began to sob even harder. The reality was that I did have feelings for Erik, and I felt guilty for running away and leaving him standing there. Why couldn't I seem to do anything without hurting someone? If I could just harbour all the feelings I was supposed to have and throw the rest away, life would be so much simpler.
I heard the door to the room open, but didn't even bother to look up. I didn't think I could stand to see the hurt on Erik's face, or the anger he felt at me running away from him like that. He sat down next to me, although didn't make any move to touch me or say anything.
"I-I'm so s-sorry Erik." I sobbed quietly without lifting my face off my knees.
"Christine," He responded softly, placing a long finger under my chin and lifting my face up to meet his eyes. "I am the one who should be apologizing… I should not have pushed you like that."
"But you didn't Erik," I cried. "Please don't take the blame for this… All you did was ask me to dance… You did nothing out of line. I'm the one that ruined it."
"You did not ruin anything Christine." He began, but I cut him off.
"Please stop Erik."
"Stop what…?"
"Being so damn nice." I almost laughed, but couldn't quite do it. "I already feel like a terrible human being, and the last thing that's going to make me feel better is you being kind and understanding, so just get angry and storm away please."
"But I'm not angry Christine." He said quietly, effectively stopping my outburst.
"You should be." I answered back, hiding my face again.
"There is nothing wrong with what you're feeling Christine, and I hope you know that I respect you enough to not be angered by emotions that you can't control. If I made you feel uncomfortable in any way…" He explained.
"It really wasn't you Erik," I stopped him. "I just want… I mean I need to… You see…"
I sighed, realizing that I really didn't know what to tell him. "I really don't know what I want Erik."
He tentatively placed his muscular arm around my shoulders, and I leaned into his side, laying my head on his shoulder. I looked up at his face through tear-stained eyes to see him smiling. He spoke softly, the smile not leaving his face.
"I only ask that you tell me as soon as you figure it out."