Author's note: Okay, please remember to read and review. Thank you for your amazing reviews, reading them makes my day. Don't forget to tell me all my mistakes. I wrote most of this chapter at like 3 a.m., so there are probably quite a few. Thank you.
2 weeks later.
Rain falls in heavy sheets, soaking everything in sight. It's worse than I've ever seen it, even during the tornado in the arena. I can't help but thinking of then, the only time that I was really desperate during the Games. I remember the tears flowing down my cheeks, masked by the heavy rain. For all I know I could be crying now. It feels like it, with the water streaming down my face like tears.
I'm freezing cold and drenched with rain. My thin t-shirt clings to my chest, and my shorts are heavy with water. The feeling has completely left my fingers and bare feet. I should go home or I'm going to get frostbite. But I can't move. The pain feels good. So good. I close my eyes and dive off the dock, into the angry ocean.
For a moment I just let myself go under, the waves pushing and shoving me in every direction. I stay under until my lungs are on the verge of bursting. Then I force myself to the surface and take a couple breaths, needing all of my strength to stay above the water.
What am I doing here?
I know that I'm trying to find something. Myself? That doesn't seem right. I thought I've been close to finding that over the last couple of weeks. Or maybe not, because I feel completely lost right now.
The waves pull me under again, and again I let them. My arms and legs are losing feeling and I know that I won't be able to really swim for much longer. When I get up this time, I weakly pull myself onto the wooden dock. I lie there like a dead fish, not moving, just listening to the sound of the rain.
That's when I remember that the Crestas are coming over for supper tonight. I need to get up, to make something or get someone else to. My legs slowly register the command, and I do get on my feet. Even though all of my limbs are numb, I actually manage to make my way home.
Pain shoots through me when I step into the warm house and feeling starts returning to my limbs. I flex my hands and try to make the sharp needles stop pricking my skin. I realize that as the numbness wears of my limbs, my thoughts start to become more focused as well. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Both. Good because the Crestas are coming and I have something to look forward to. Bad because of nearly everything else.
My eyes go to the clock hanging on my wall. I have an hour before they come. An hour. I stumble to my bathroom and turn on the water, as hot as possible. Then I stumble over the edge of the tub and just lay there as burning water sprays over me, clothes and all.
Breathing hurts and depression threatens to pull me under, but I force myself to list the good things in my life.
I have a beautiful sister named Daisy. I survived the Hunger Games. There's a girl named Annie Cresta that comes to my house after school and reads and does little things that make me smile. I'll see her again in less than an hour. I'll see her family too. Her strong father. Her gentle mother. I helped them, they have money now. I help lots of people now. Everyone likes me. There's nothing wrong with my life. I am perfect.
I bang my head against the bone white floor of the porcelain tub, trying to beat the words into my head. I am perfect. Everyone thinks that. Except the people that matter. They know the truth.
Rafe. I haven't seen Rafe since I've gotten back. He wouldn't talk to me anyway. He knows I'm not perfect.
Then there's Annie. The girl I'm growing closer and closer to. The girl that says almost nothing to me, that won't trust me with her secrets because she knows I will use them against her. Two weeks ago, I swore I was going to get to know her. I do, in a way. I know that she hardly ever smiles, but that it's almost magical when she does. I know that she's strong enough to not bat an eye after I stab her with a knife, but that she'll tear up at the books she reads. And I know that she has a wild drive when it comes to helping others, even though the families she begs me to feed are better off than she used to be.
Annie who watches me with cautious eyes when she comes up behind me, who's eyes flash warily to the knife that I still carry. Annie who offhandedly asked me what was going through my head when I whispered to the girl from District 1. I've heard the quote is now famous in the Capitol, imprinted on bracelets, added onto pictures of me that probably hang in the houses of most single females in the Capitol. The beautiful ones are always the most fun to kill.
Yes. Annie knows my imperfections very well.
But better than her, or Rafe, I know how imperfect I really am, and maybe that's worse than anything. How can I expect the two people that I care about most to accept me if I can't accept myself?
The hot water of the shower starts to cool, so I get on my feet and step out of the shower. I take my wet clothes off so I can actually dry off, then grab my warmest pair of pants and put on a thick sweater.
Twenty minutes until they come. Twenty. I busy myself in the kitchen, throwing pre-made crab cakes in the oven, digging out a tin of fudge that Mags brought over, rummaging for something to drink in the small refrigerator.
Everything is almost ready when the door rings. There's no remaining sign of my mental breakdown. I sigh, relieved. Now Annie is here. I hope she'll make me smile tonight. I need to smile.
"Thank you so much for having us," Mr. Cresta says when I open the door. I laugh and roll my eyes, something that I would've done before the Games.
"It's no problem. I get lonely around here anyway. Now come in, it's pouring out there." I step aside and let them in. Mr. and Mrs. Cresta both keep up a continuous string of thanks, but Annie is quiet as usually, her green eyes following my every move.
"How are your folks doing?" Mrs. Cresta asks me as I lead them into the kitchen. I notice for the first time how good everything does smell. I haven't eaten all day.
"I'm not sure. My dad is obsessed with work, and my mom has gotten wrapped up with managing my winnings." I try hard to keep a straight face when I say managing my winnings. Yeah, like she'd do that. She's having fun spending my money.
"Well, that's too bad. It must be something, living here by yourself when you're so young, especially since your parents aren't around much."
"It gets lonely, but I like the quiet. Annie keeps me company though, and Mags is over a lot."
"Oh yes, I forgot about that. It must be help. Now, whatever you're making smells delicious. When will it be ready?"
I keep up a steady, normal conversation with Annie's parents the entire meal, smiling and polite, the personification of what a fourteen year old boy should be. It's hard, and some of the things I say are a little forced, but I manage to last the entire meal. I really don't want to bother trying when these people already view me as their savior, but I do it for Arowana. It's good to practice for the victory tour in a couple months anyway.
"I'm sorry we have to leave so quickly, but I promised to stop by a friend's house tonight," Mr. Cresta says when he's done.
"It's no problem," I tell him, indifferent. I like the Crestas, but I do want some alone time.
"Dad," Annie says to get Mr. Cresta's attention. That's the first time she's spoken out all night.
"What Annie?"
"Is it okay if I stay? I don't want to sit at the Grants' house for two hours with nothing to do." Both of her parents look at her in surprise, but I can't be anything but grateful. I don't have to bother pretending around Annie because she sees right through me anyway. It's nice to be able to act how I feel around someone, even if I may not be their favorite person.
"Is that okay with you?" Mr. Cresta asks me. I shrug.
"Sure, that's fine."
Mr. and Mrs. Cresta are gone just five minutes later. Annie heads immediately to the library, and because I know that she won't be coming out anytime soon, I just follow her. While she works on finding a book, I plop down into a chair.
My entire body is exhausted, probably from jumping into the waves today, and I can't keep my eyes open. I'm asleep within seconds.
I don't know how much later it is when I wake up, but Annie is still sitting across from me, a book in her lap. But instead of reading, she's staring at me. The weird thing is that when I catch her, she doesn't even look embarrassed.
"Why did you fall asleep?" she asks. I yawn and stretch out my stiff muscles.
"I had a rough morning. Why? How long have I been out?" Must not have been very. I didn't even have nightmares. Or maybe that's just because I was so tired.
"A couple of hours. I just thought it was strange that you fell asleep so quickly at seven o'clock."
"What? Do you think I got up early to go people hunting or something?"
"It wouldn't be the first time." I groan. She starts talking to me, and this is what she has to bring up.
"I thought you were over calling me a murderer to my face."
"Just saying," she says. "But why are you tired?" I run a hand through my hair, but it just falls right back into my eyes. I've threatened to get it buzzed off more than once since I've gotten back, but Sylvia, my stylist, insists that I keep it longer.
"I went for a swim this morning," I say simply.
"During the storm? You could've died," she says. Oddly enough, her voice doesn't get one bit louder. There's some concern, which surprises me, but it's almost like she's not surprised.
"I'm stronger than that." She shakes her head.
"Don't do anything stupid, please. I'm actually starting to tolerate you."
"Tolerate?" I ask. "You haven't spoken to me for two weeks." She seems unconcerned.
"Why speak when you don't have anything to say?" That's just so absurd that I know she's telling the truth. I laugh then, because for some reason I'm happy that this girl is starting not to hate me. I tell myself that it's because of my promise to her sister, but I don't believe that for a second. It's because the girl with the beautiful green eyes is starting to really grow on me, and I want her approval. Not for any promises, but just because I don't think I could stand it if she hated me.
"I guess that's true," I tell her, because I don't know what else to say.
"I try not to say anything that isn't," she says. Then the doorbell rings and her parents are here to take her home.
"I'll see you tomorrow," she says on her way out.
"That's a Saturday," I remind her.
"We can do something different then. Go to the ocean again? That was fun that one time we went." I remember the night, two weeks ago, when we went out to the ocean. Annie swam everywhere, looking like some kind of mermaid, while I sat on the beach. She was smiling and laughing then, she was having so much fun. That was the only time since we've met that she seemed like she could just be twelve. It was nice to see her finally act like a child, like there's a chance that her past wasn't as bad as Arowana suggested. I decide that it would be nice to go to the ocean tomorrow.
"That sounds great," I tell her. Then she runs out the door to meet her parents.
At ten o'clock the next day, we're walking to the beach together. She's wearing a light green swimsuit that makes her eyes seem even brighter, and her long hair is braided down her back. I hate to admit it, but if she was a couple years older, she'd be cute. As soon as I think that, I make my eyes focus on the gray stones that line the streets. Thinking about her that way should be totally forbidden. It's almost like checking out my little sister.
"I'm starting to regret this," she says after a while. I let myself glance up from the ground.
"Why?"
"Doesn't it bother you?"
"What?" I feel slow.
"The people staring." That's when I look up and notice a small group of girls whispering and pointing at us. What the hell?
"I hadn't even noticed," I mumble. Maybe this is to be expected. Maybe I acted like too much of a flirt in my interviews. Hell, I acted like a flirt before my Games. Now, I'm starting to regret it.
"I guess you're used to it," Annie whispers.
"If I was used to it, I wouldn't be getting mad at them." She laughs a little, but I can tell the girls are making her nervous. I can actually feel jealousy radiating off of their group.
"Get a life," I shout to the girls, curving my body around Annie so that they can't really see her.
"Is that your girlfriend?" someone shouts. Annie tenses up beside me.
"Go **** yourself," I yell back.
"Finnick," Annie hisses. I run my hand through my hair. Right, don't talk like my father around a twelve year old girl. Or at all for that matter. Can I do anything right?
"Sorry," I mumble to her. At least the girls decided to break off their little stalking trip. For now.
The day at the beach is nice after that. Annie relaxes when we get to the secluded little cove where I used to go when I was younger. There's no one here to bother us, so she lets herself really have fun. I sit on the soft white sand for a while and just watch her do graceful flips and twists in the clear blue water. I'm still a little tired from my little swim yesterday, and watching her is so fun that I plan on staying on shore. Then she starts urging me to get in, her excited eyes making it impossible to refuse. I throw my shirt off and smoothly dive into the still water.
Even after living in Four all my life, it's still unbelievable how much the water can change in just a few hours. Now, the surface is as smooth as glass, except for the ripples where Annie or I disturb it. Every movement is easy and effortless, the water holding most of my weight. I let myself cut easily through the water, staying under for as long as I can, smiling and forgetting and still watching Annie.
"I'll race you to that buoy," Annie says one of the few times she pokes her head above the water.
"From where?" I ask her.
"Here," she says, then she's off. She has a small head start, but I'm older and stronger than her, so I figure I'll make it up easily. What I don't count on is her swimming ability. She flies through the water, barely rippling the surface. I'm a good, even great swimmer, but I feel slow and clunky next to her.
She beats me. By a foot, not even, but she wins.
"You know," she pants. "Claudius Templesmith said you were an amazing physical specimen during the Games this year." She says it in her normal soft, sweet voice that really can't be teasing, but I still know what's coming next. "I guess he was talking about the wrong person."
"It's not my fault you're some kind of freaky fish person," I say. She splashes water in my face.
"At least I'm not a whale," she tosses back, and I laugh just because it feels so good to bicker like a little kid.
"Oh, I'm going to get you for that one." I send a huge wave of water flying her way, and an all out war starts.
When we get back to shore, I'm snorting and laughing hard enough to make my gut hurt. Annie smiles from ear to ear, and even though I still haven't gotten her to laugh, she's the happiest I've ever seen her.
"I think I beat you," Annie says, then sits down on the beach. I sit beside her.
"That's because you're a damn fish person," I tell her, and even though it isn't that funny, I crack up laughing. I wonder if this is what it's like to feel high.
"I think you're losing it," she says. I roll my eyes.
"Annie, you should know better than anyone else that I lost it a long time ago."
"Yeah, but it's never been this obvious before," she says, and to prove her point, I start laughing again. It feels good, and I have no reason to stop. For the first time since I've come home, I feel totally and completely happy.