Author's Note: Loudly cries and holds all of you to my bosom.
The preparations for the funeral are done quickly, professionally. The caskets were dark, long, and elegant, all but overflowing with flowers whose petals spill over the side of the boxes to drip onto the ground behind the coffin bearers. Shuuhei attended, wearing a proper, standard uniform instead of his usual customized, sleeveless one. It feels odder than Shuuhei expected it would, trying to look more presentable for such a grim ceremony.
The procession was done quietly, with no small amount of dignity afforded. It would be appropriate, Shuuhei thought to himself, for the area to reflect just a little more of a morose feeling. A somber drizzle of rain, a whistling breeze across the cemetery, just something a little more meaningful because thirteen reapers are dead, thirteen young individuals with love and hope and feelings who worked through the academy and followed their passion and dreams into the services of the Court are gone and the world should be a little less brighter now because of it.
It didn't quite feel somber or morose or appropriately pessimistic. It just felt numb. The closest thing Shuuhei got to match the mood he wanted was the brief, minute-long flurry of snow, with big fat flakes dancing through the air into the outstretched claws of the branches of the naked trees flanking the rows of graves.
Kenta was in attendance, obviously, with his wife trailing behind the caskets with the other parents of the deceased (twenty, in total, to mourn thirteen lives and Shuuhei doesn't bother thinking that the collection is six too short because he's much smarter than that) and Kenta cries, a grown man openly weeping helplessly as they lower his only daughter into the ground. He composes himself quickly after that, however. He forces himself to remain strong for his wife who at some point breaks her quiet demeanor to call a heartbreaking wail and demand that they stop burying her please, oh Gods please not her baby girl.
Shuuhei didn't speak to his childhood friend after they finish the burials, just stood off to the side in respectful silence until Kenta bows his head and let Shuuhei put a hand to his shoulder and squeeze comfortingly.
Renji was there too, and Shuuhei never thought that he'd be happy to see Renji at a funeral setting before. But he's the commanding officer of several deceased soul reapers and he's there with Captain Kuchiki to offer condolences. Elsewhere in attendance Shuuhei spotted Captain Unohana and Isane, as well as Captain Komamura and Iba so he assumed that the victims were only in Squads Six, Four and Eight. On the other hand, they could have been in Two or Eleven, because the general assumption was that if you lived long enough to die in service to those squads you knew what you were getting in to. Casualties were rarely reported in Division Twelve. No one dared question why. It was a joke that Shuuhei had heard and told back countless times but at the moment it just made him feel kind of sick.
People passed by and offered condolences to Kenta, who stood by the freshly overturned earth long after his wife had been torn away to mourn in peace away from prying eyes. They handed him empty "I'm sorry for your loss"s as if they understood entirely what he was feeling before drifting off, Kenta nodding in resign and occasionally grunting in acknowledgement of their presence. It was more than what Shuuhei would have managed if it were him in the same position.
After the greater majority of mourners had passed, Renji began to gravitate closer to where Shuuhei and Kenta stood. He shuffled awkwardly, looking at his feet like a troubled child. As impossibly dark the situation seemed, Shuuhei still found it in himself to find Renji's quirkiness endearing.
Finally Renji bit the bullet, moving over to Kenta to address him. "I'm so sorry."
Sorry that this had happened. Sorry that no one had noticed the portals trafficking hollows past Soul Society's defenses like they were taking the bus. Sorry that it had taken so long and so much drama for Renji and Shuuhei to finally avenge Rikuto and prevent this from ever happening again.
Kenta sighed in response, a heavy, rattled kind of sigh and Shuuhei took that as a sign that it was time to move on. He took Kenta around the shoulders and, shooting Renji an apologetic look, directed the other man back to the temple were the ceremony had been conducted. It was the death of Kenta's first child and he needed to be with his family, not the adult version of a childhood memory and the lieutenant of his dead daughter. Kenta had a loving wife and several younger sons and although all were deep in grieving, they would help each other heal in time.
Kenta and his brood were sent home, and the other friends and family of the newly deceased began to flicker out of existence as time passed and the ceremonies drew to a close.
Shuuhei sighed, placing one hand on his hips and pinching the bridge of his nose. He already knew that Renji was doing that hovering thing around him again because at this point picking up Renji's spiritual pressure and oddly flighty tendencies had become something of a second nature. He looked over to the taller man, trying for a tired smile, "You need a drink? Because I think I need a drink. That sounds like a good idea, we should drink."
Renji returned the smile with a sort of fond humor, eyebrows raised and mouth twitching up in a smirk. "Are you sure that's a good idea? You look tired, and we've all had kind of a crazy week."
"Then let me booze myself into sweet sleep and you can tuck me into bed!" Shuuhei insisted, hooking an arm around Renji's and pulling him along. Renji let himself be tugged, "C'mon, I'm sure the others are still at the bar."
A groan was issued from Renji, still letting Shuuhei lead him determinedly in the direction of the bar usually favored by shinigami. "You're a bad influence and you should feel bad."
"I'll feel bad when I'm hung-over."
"Don't you have work tomorrow?" Renji chided, elbowing Shuuhei in the ribs but not making a motion to unlock their arms.
"Since when are you suddenly policing how hung-over I'm supposed to be at work?" Shuuhei retorted, jostling their locked elbows a little.
Renji barked a laugh, "You take such terrible care of yourself, I can't believe you even function. You know, the whole reason I was such an asshole about you coming on the mission in the first place was because I was worried about you. I'm not gonna lie, Shuuhei, sometimes you scare the fuck out of me."
Shuuhei snorted, giving Renji a critical look, "Well then don't be! You should know by now that I can take care of myself."
"Unless you're drunk." Renji pointed out.
"True. Then all bets are off."
The two men strode along the road, letting the more peaceful, out of the way temples bleed into an urban setting. Twilight dragged on to night and the snow picked up again in a fine powder sprinkling the rooftops. Shuuhei's arm was still wrapped around Renji's despite the evening out of their individual paces, but the redhead didn't protest so Shuuhei felt no need to make a fuss. Besides, having Renji by Shuuhei's side was like having his own personal heater from the chills of the outdoors. It was kind of weird, and he couldn't imagine doing it so casually with any of his other friends, but that felt okay. In Shuuhei's perspective, when you cuddle with a man for warmth when one or more of you is half-dead on the side of a river then you could learn to stand some amount of closeness.
"So, what now?" Shuuhei asked after a while of walking, earning a jolt of surprise from Renji at the suddenness of his voice, "All the loose ends are tied up. Does everything just go back to the way it was before all this mission nonsense?"
Renji clicked his tongue in response, his brow furrowed slightly as he stared at the road ahead. He seemed far too focused for such a simple question. "In my experience, nothing ever just 'goes back to the way it was'. Something's always just a little different now, isn't it?"
"Don't be vague. It doesn't suit you." Shuuhei demanded, using the kind of sharp tone he normally adopted when reminding Renji of lieutenant regulations or work procedures or not to lick that object because you are drunk, Renji, please go home. Shuuhei uses that tone for a lot of things, and as such he is a man of many hats. "There's something on your mind, isn't there? Is something bothering you?"
Renji chuckled, looking away from the road to give Shuuhei an obvious look. "Well we did just come from a funeral. I say that puts a damper on the mood pretty well. Like, I had this mood but then stupid death all came and ruined it."
"I guess that's a pretty viable excuse." Shuuhei admitted, sighing a little. "I'll check on Kenta and his family later this week. They probably don't want to see any shinigami, considering the circumstances, but it'd at least be polite, right?"
"Yeah. Y'know, it's kind of weird to see you knowing people. Like, having people you're capable of interacting with that aren't from work."
Shuuhei huffed indignantly, "I know people! Kenta's an old friend back from when I was a brat. You're not the only one with connections outside of the Seireitei, you know."
"I didn't say it was a bad thing." Renji insisted, cocking his head to the side as he talked. "I like actually knowing stuff about you. Makes you less mysterious, I guess."
Shuuhei grinned and leaned his head back to give Renji a full, toothy grin. "A rather naïve statement, I feel. I am mysterious, no matter what you may learn about me."
"Your life is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vaguely obscene tattoo." Renji agreed with a serene nod.
"Don't you start on tattoo jokes with me, young man. I've sneaked peeks at Matsumoto and Isane's notes from the Shinigami Women's Associations. I've been very kind to you that I haven't pushed the wildly debated 'exactly how far down do those tattoos tribal go' question onto you."
Renji's smirk could have expressed the expectant satisfaction of a man perfectly comfortable in his sexual prowess and knowing of exactly how attractive he was, but the faint glow in his cheeks promised otherwise. That fact that Shuuhei was capable of getting Renji flustered at all was very satiating, as he wouldn't have guessed that Renji would be thrown off by what Shuuhei was sure from similar experience couldn't have been a rare question.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Renji retorted, adding only a little bit of acid to his words.
But Shuuhei was one step ahead at this point. Witty banter was a thing Shuuhei considered one of his secret talents. Renji was a mere grasshopper at the feet of the sleeping master. "From that blush you're sporting it kinda looks like you want me to know, too."
Renji emitted a kind of chocking sound like he had failed at trying to swallow air, his smirk going from smug to indulgent grimace with a glare to match. Shuuhei threw his head back in laughter, and Renji dug his still linked elbow into Shuuhei's side painfully in response.
"You are a monster." Renji complained, after a few minutes of Shuuhei trying to regain control of his functions.
Shuuhei coughed back a giggle. Shuuhei didn't even think of himself capable of giggling but here we were. "That's not my fault. You set yourself up for that one and walked right in like it was an open invitation and free snacks were set on the table."
After he was sure he could speak again, Shuuhei smiled and sighed loudly. "We shouldn't be laughing. We were just at a funeral. We're terrible people. What is actually wrong with us?"
"Well, I think we both can figure that if there's a hell after this life we're going to it. At this point you might as well go big or go home." Renji snorted, although he spoke cautiously as if he was still a little gun-shy from Shuuhei's stab earlier. Geeze, if Renji was always going to be so easily mortified by sexual allusions Shuuhei would have to tease him more often. Despite the common rumors circulating about his tattoos and behavior, Shuuhei was far from the flirty type but watching Renji squirm was endlessly satisfying.
The conversation waned into quiet after that, Renji and Shuuhei still both directing themselves towards their usual bar. The silence was not at all uncomfortable, but Shuuhei did not want there to be room for quietness just now.
Shuuhei tipped his head back, absorbing the view of a black sky with the stars hidden by the lights from the shops and the streets. He reminded himself that it was still fairly early, and that anyone could just walk out and get the wrong idea from seeing Shuuhei walk arm-in-arm with Renji, but he didn't really care. Not when snow showered from the sky above and melted against his skin and floated to nestle in his and Renji's hair. "It's a nice night."
Renji was not impressed by the attempt at relighting conversation. "We're not really gonna talk about the weather, are we?"
"Why you gotta be such a- oh, I guess we don't." Shuuhei amended looking to see that he and Renji had stopped in front of the much sought-after bar that they had set out for. It was a little disappointing, really, because Shuuhei had been enjoying the back-and-forth dialogue between Renji and himself. Oh well, they could still do that in the bar. Plus, Shuuhei hadn't been lying when he said he wanted that drink.
Shuuhei ducked in to the bar first, only to find that it was nearly empty inside. The time was late now, and he and Renji had spent too much time dawdling with talking to catch their fellow friends among the ranked officers. "Well that's genuinely disappointing."
"Who cares? We came to drink, we might as well drink." Renji suggested, brushing snow off his shoulder as he slid inside behind Shuuhei.
"Well, well, well. Look who's gone and changed their mind about the merits of drinking on a work day." Shuuhei commented, following Renji to take a seat. After all, staying inside sounded much more inviting than venturing back into night.
"I blame you. You're my sempai. You're supposed to encourage me to make good life decisions and healthy choices and not to do drugs or get pregnant. You should stop and think about why you're such a terrible role model for impressionable kohai like me." Renji chuckled as he lifted a hand to flag down the bartender's attention for a fresh bottle and cup of sake.
Shuuhei followed his example, graciously accepting the alcohol set before him. "'Impressionable' my ass. I haven't been your upperclassman for a long time and you know that."
"Too late, you've been cast in my mind forever now." Renji said with a grin, knocking back another mouthful of drink, "The image as you as a senior is forever pressed into my mind. Help, I'm having flashbacks to dorky jewelry and a girly punk-wannabe haircut!"
"It wasn't girly." Shuuhei tutted, making an honest effort not to sulk at the comment. He had been thinking about growing his hair out again, too. Since when was pineapple head the leading expert on fashionable haircuts anyways? "And don't think I'm actually going to take the blame if you drink yourself stupid. Role model or no, my responsibilities extend to dropping you in your bed after you pass out and making sure there's nothing charging you by the hour in there with you when I leave."
"You're so considerate. Thanks." Renji commended, "I've got to think of something though, because they don't like it when I blame my upbringing as an excuse anymore."
Shuuhei laughed before taking a gracious sip of his drink, "Poor Renji. He wouldn't forget his paperwork so much if only he'd had a strong father figure in his life!"
"You're psychoanalyzing me, you bastard." Renji observed casually, then innocuously threw in. "You sound just like you do when you do that in my dream."
That comment threw Shuuhei a loop. He looked to Renji, eyebrows drawn up in surprise. "You dream about me?"
Renji looked as if he had been caught sticking a hand into the figurative cookie jar, eyes blown wide in surprise like a deer in the headlights. He laughed hoarsely, "Ahahaha, did I say that?"
"You did." Shuuhei observed, a little suspicious of Renji's reaction. "You dream about me… psychoanalyzing you?"
"My mind is a bizarre place." Renji admitted with a shrug.
"That's weird. But kinda cool. What do you think those dreams mean then?" Shuuhei pressed. "All of my dreams are boring. Like, it's just what I'm going to do when I wake up or that I'm back at the academy taking a test. Yours sound more interesting."
The next cup of sake went down Renji's throat comparatively quickly to the rest, and he chuckled nervously. "They're really not that exciting. I don't know what they mean, since it's usually just us talking."
"In your dream, am I like how I am in real life?" Shuuhei continued, perking up as the conversation progressed and ignoring Renji's discomfort.
"Kind of? You're a lot more mellow, I think."
"What do we talk about?"
Brown eyes attempted to flick around the bar, at everything but Shuuhei's face like they couldn't take in enough distractions. Renji anxiously scratched the back of his head, "You know, I don't actually remember my dreams very well. It's kinda hazy…"
It really wasn't fair for a grown man of Renji's size and shape to be so adorable. Shuuhei smirked as he leaned his face in on his fist coolly. "Ah, so it's something embarrassing. I see how it is."
"Shut up. You suck!" Renji demanded, beginning to go red in the face again.
"Did you cry? Did you bare your soul to me, crying your little dream-self's eyes out onto my shoulder?"
"You're an ass."
"I know." Shuuhei admitted, "But I'm also real. If something's bothering you that your imagination has to conjure up a me for you to talk to, it's probably more worthwhile just to talk to the real me."
Renji looked taken aback by the genuine tone in Shuuhei's voice, maybe even a little distrustful. "Sure, you say that now before you've actually listened to any of my problems."
"So you do have problems to be listened to?"
"There! Right there!" Renji barked, looking simultaneously amused and angered, "That's exactly what you did in my dream! It's so annoying!"
"Don't try to change the subject." Shuuhei pressed, "Something's been eating you all night and I want in on it before you completely kill my mood."
Renji scratched the back of his neck, rolling his eyes. "Nothing's eating me. Go back to getting drunk."
"Being stubborn is not going to deter me. Start spilling, Renji, we're alone at a bar with no one else around except our emotional baggage. I promise I'll lie and tell everyone that you were strong and there were no tears."
Renji' rubbed his temple, "God you're obnoxious when you're in a good mood. I'm just lucky it doesn't happen often."
"Or you're extra lucky that it does." Shuuhei insisted, wrapping an arm around Renji's shoulders good-naturedly. "This might shock you, but I actually do want to help you."
Renji gave Shuuhei a critical look, one decorated eyebrow lifted suspiciously under his bandana. Still, Renji's pose- shoulders tight, body hunched over his drink- it was all very worrisome, and Shuuhei really did want to help.
Both Renji's suspicion of his sincerity and Shuuhei's sudden revelation that yes, he did care about Renji's emotional well-being, made him feel a little self-conscious. "Well, y'know, what I mean to say is-" Words started flying out of Shuuhei's mouth, and now he wasn't sure what could be done to stop them. "You and I have been there for each other a lot. And I don't just mean in the past week, but since we became friends I think we've been able to talk pretty freely and be comfortable with each other. So if something's bothering you, that kind of bothers me too. I mean- so, yeah. So if you want to talk, about anything at all, I really mean it when I say that-"
Shuuhei trailed off dumbly, looking down at the wood of the bar before looking back up and noticing wow had Renji's face always been that close to Shuuhei's or had it been getting progressively closer? At this distance, or perhaps lack thereof, Shuuhei could see where the ink of the tattoos on Renji's forehead ducked underneath his bandana to peak out over his brow. He could see the shadows playing against Renji's defined jaw and the light that the sake had put in those brown eyes, amber almost the shade of copper.
Those eyes closed, shut dreamily but brow furrowed as if deep within internal conflict. Renji leaned in and Shuuhei tasted alcohol on his breath tickling his nose, and then ghosting across his lips before Renji's mouth pressed against Shuuhei's.
Renji's mouth was warm, his lips dry but not unsoft that Shuuhei wasn't exactly thinking when he closed his own eyes and parted his lips just the slightest fraction of a millimeter. Shuuhei's hands, which had been clenched into fists, relaxed against the bar at the sound their lips made together. A wet, soppy, kissing sound that Shuuhei had always mentally associated with couples much happier than he was. He opened his mouth a little wider, curious for more of that sound and the sensation of Renji against his lips.
A bang and a holler echoed around the entire bar as the door was flung open and Renji and Shuuhei nearly leaped a foot in the air from their seats, each leaning back from each other as it pulled apart magnetically with mutual looks of shock scrawled across their faces. Renji's pupils were wide with surprise and his (warm, somewhat dry but not unpleasantly so) mouth was contorted into a thin line. His expression didn't change when Ikkaku's hand fell hard on his shoulder.
"Sorry we're late. You wouldn't believe the meeting they kept the ranked officers in. I swear I thought I was gonna go into conniptions if I they kept me in there for another second!" Ikkaku grinned, obvious to Renji and Shuuhei's turmoil.
Yumichika slid onto the unoccupied stool next to Shuuhei. "He's being dramatic. Although I agree the meeting wore everyone out. Baggy eyes and frizzy hair everywhere! Not very beautiful at all."
Izuru appeared with them, giving Renji and Shuuhei an exasperated smile, "Listen to the two of you, complaining when Abarai-kun and Hisagi have been at a grave site all day. I'm sure neither of them are interested in how terrible you found the meeting." the blond vice-captain now seemed to notice Shuuhei and Renji's shared expression. "… Are you two alright? Sorry, was I not supposed to bring it up?"
This was too much. This was too much happening too soon. This shouldn't be happening at all. Shuuhei stood up abruptly, knocking the bottle by his hand over, to the laments of Ikkaku that it was a waste of perfectly good sake.
"I have to go." Shuuhei intoned, sounding much more in control than he felt.
"Is everything all-" Izuru tried, only to be ignored as Shuuhei all but pushed past him.
Still seated, Renji seemed to have regained some of his own control over his ability to speak. "Shuuhei-"
Shuuhei continued move through the bar like a man possessed, not stopping even when Rangiku called him over, probably expecting him to try to come on to her in a drunken stumpor but as of now the desire to do so was gone, all gone, and all of Shuuhei's focus went to keep his hands from shaking and he left the bar as fast as his feet would carry him.