A/N- Okay, so sorry that this took forever, but I got a new book yesterday and couldn't put it down. I'm back in commission now though, so here's chapter 6. I'm sorry if some parts aren't quite right or if I left things out that you thought I should've added. This part was hard because of all the bad things that happened to Finnick. I did do my best though, and like always, I appreciate the reviews and would love any kind of feedback. Thank you.

I lock myself in my room on the ride home from the Capitol. When Alva tries to coax me out of my room for lunch on the first day, I almost take her head off. To say that I'm irritable is a major understatement. My knife is still by my side, and I would use it if someone tried to talk to me. I should use it on myself.

There isn't any reason that I shouldn't just kill myself now. Everyone would be safe, and I wouldn't have to go through this anymore. It would be the perfect solution. But I don't have the guts to. Annie said that I was strong, that I always do what's right. Now, I can't even say that. I'm too weak to kill myself, and sleeping with six different women in two weeks definitely isn't right, especially not after I kissed Annie. I know that Snow was showing me with those women, that Annie saw. I want to throw up every time that I think about what her opinion of me is now. If it's anything near where I'm starting to think of myself, I wouldn't expect her to talk to me again.

And that horrible thing is, worse than any of this, is that I know I can't tell her anything. I have no idea what Snow would do if Annie found out about this, I just know that it wouldn't be good. That means she has to go on thinking that I'm a whoremonger, and there isn't a single thing that I can do about it.

I close my eyes and hug myself tightly, trying to forget all of this. It's impossible. I feel guilty and dirty and humiliated. Probably everyone in Panem has heard about my little field trip, and I don't doubt that now the people that live in the districts despise me. I was their hero, someone to make them look good, and now I choose money and the Capitol over them.

How could I have let this happen? Up until the Games, I was always in control. I may have lost it for a little while, but I was getting it back. Now, President Snow has taken it all away. I can't make a single move without his voice in the back of my head, telling me what to do and how to do it. Even now, I imagine his heinous laugh echoing through my mind when he sees how miserable I am.

I get out of the bed because I can't stand it any longer. I'm tired of trying to hold back all of my rage and pain. My body takes on a mind of its own, and I turn into a human tornado, destroying everything in my path. Paintings go flying, drawers are yanked out of place, and I shatter the mirror in the bathroom with my bare hand. Glass cuts into my skin and I love the way it feels, the adrenaline that comes with the pain. Without bother to even look at the damage, I start clawing open pillows, letting the filling spread all over my bed. It combines with my blood to form an ugly bloody fluff.

That's when Alva yanks open the door. Her mouth arranges itself into a neat little o.

"What have you done?" she asks in a shrill voice.

"It's my present for him," I say, my voice totally logical. I don't specify and she doesn't ask. Even a stupid Capitol escort has enough sense to know I'm talking about President Snow.

"We're only an hour away from your home. We should get you cleaned up."

"I guess. And Alva?"

"Yes?"

"Can you tell President Snow to go fuck himself?" She gapes at me and I smile. "Actually, never mind. He'd probably ask me to do it for him." Then I walk past her and find an attendant to take me to get my arm fixed.

I realize how stupid those words were almost immediately when I get a call twenty minutes later. I don't know who it is, but I know it isn't President Snow. Maybe one of his assistants.

"I'd be careful to hold my tongue if I were you. You're family would very much appreciate it. This time, I was kind enough to give you a warning, but the next time you won't be so lucky." Then he hangs up. I stare at the phone in my hands and realize how stupid I was. I throw the phone against the wall, then retreat to my room for the part of the trip.

I'm shocked to see Mags sitting on my couch when I walk into my house. There's no way that she doesn't hear me come in, but her eyes stay focused on the book that she's reading. She can't really be mad at me, because it was obvious that she knew this was going to happen.

"So, what are you ignoring me for now?" She shuts the book, but doesn't look away from the cover.

"Are you okay Finnick?" she asks me softly. ' "Obviously. Hell, that was the most fun I've had since talking to myself during the Hunger Games." Mags locks eyes with me and I look away.

"It isn't my fault," she says. Of course it isn't. it's the Capitol's fault. That's when the light bulb turns on and I remember the proposition Borglum made me last year. I'd more or less forgotten it, but now it's clear in my head. Join a resistance group to bring down President Snow.

"I know who's fault it is," I whisper to myself, so quietly that I'm surprised Mags can even hear it.

"Never forget that," she reminds me again. I know that she isn't worried about me blaming her, or anyone else, but she knows that I blame myself. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but it's impossible to forget the people that I've hurt and killed, and now it's even worse, because I'm hurting Annie, the one person that I truly care about. There's only one way that I can stop hurting them, that I can stop hurting myself. And it's to bring down Snow.

"I won't. And Mags?"

"Yes?"

"I'm in." She doesn't have to ask what I'm talking about, because she knows. There's only one thing that I could be talking about.

"Oh, that's wonderful. I'm going to tell Borglum about your entry in the contest. Maybe you should go try to explain things to your Annie." Then she gets up and leaves before I can tell her that Annie probably wouldn't talk to me even if I worked up the guts to see her.

I stare at my feet for a few minutes, willing them to get up and make the trip to Annie's house, but it seems like they're loaded with lead. Nope, no way I'm going to Annie's today. When I come to that conclusion, whatever was weighing down my feet disappears and I go into my bedroom to mope around and feel sorry for myself. If I cared what anyone other than Annie thought about me, I'd probably sugarcoat that, make it seem like I still had some willpower left, but I don't, and moping is exactly what I do.

I stay in bed that entire day. Rafe breaks into my house the next morning and actually kicks down my bedroom door. I think that I may have heard him knocking yesterday, but I didn't have the energy to check. Actually, I'm contemplating just staying in bed all the time now anyway. It would be better that way, with no one to watch me deteriorate into a shell of a person as the women of the Capitol slowly eat away my soul. Wow, that was melodramatic. But sadly I'm not sure if it isn't true.

Rafe has other plans though, because after I try ignoring him for ten minutes, he starts getting frustrated.

"At least get out of bed," he says through gritted teeth.

"I don't feel like it."

"Mags is worried about you, she wanted me to help."

"I'm fine, I don't need help." I cringe at how obviously untrue that is. Rafe obviously realizes that too, because he actually laughs.

"If you don't need help, why aren't you getting up?"

"There's no point."

"Yeah, there is. We're going to the river today. Okay?"

"No," I mumble. "Now leave me alone. Maybe I'll get up tomorrow." That makes him mad. He grabs me by the color of my shirt and throws me on the ground, smacking my head against the wall in the process. I'm pissed, and I haven't slept for days, and everything just sucks right now, so I pull out my knife and hold it up to his throat. He swats it away like he didn't even notice.

"Get your damn ass out of bed and quit feeling sorry for yourself. I started thinking the old Finnick was coming back, but I guess I was dead wrong."

"Like you know anything. If half of this shit was happening to you, you would be doing the same thing."

"No, I would be dead. I wouldn't have won the Hunger Games because I'm not you, or I'm not who you used to be. Don't you remember that person? The one that no one could ever bring down."

"Obviously that isn't true." He forces me up onto my feet.

"You aren't down yet."

"I'm damn close."

"Because you're giving up." I squeeze my eyes shut and wish I could do the same with my ears. He's trying to help me, but I don't want help. I want to let myself fall apart, because I am giving up. I'm tired, and I just went to let go.

"Sometimes there's no reason to try anymore."

"Me? Mags? What about Annie?"

"Annie doesn't care anymore," I mutter, not knowing what else to say.

"Make her." Then he walks out, not checking to see if his words changed anything. They did. Those last two changed everything. Make her. I have to make her see that I do love her, there's no other option. I'm not going to lose Annie.

When I knock on the Crestas door and Annie opens it, I forget everything else. All I can think of is how amazing it is to see her again after over two weeks. She's unbelievably beautiful, as always, even though her sea green eyes are now carefully guarded. She's going to try to shut me out.

"Can we talk?" I ask her. She tries for a smile but doesn't really manage one.

"Of course we can. Why can't we? I mean, I haven't seen you for a very long time, and there's so much that you have to tell me about the Capitol. It looks so beautiful on tv, and I guess you couldn't enjoy it during the Hunger Games, but you must've seen more of it now. Is it really-"

"Annie. You're babbling." My voice actually cracks, but she doesn't even notice. Her mouth clamps shut and she almost looks embarrassed. Why? Doesn't she know that I'm the one who should be embarrassed?

"Sorry. I usually don't act like this."

"You don't have to tell me. I know you remember?" I just wish that she could really know me. Everything.

"Oh, yeah sorry. I'm nervous. Crap, no not nervous. I didn't say nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I- I'm-I-" She's started crying now, and I can tell that she wants to keep going, to do something to draw my attention away from the fact that she's seconds away from falling apart, but she's run out of things to say. God I want to kiss her so badly. I want to hold her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. I want to do something to make her forget about this. But I can't run, not from this. Nothing that I do will make Annie forget. I just have to clean up the damage as well as I can.

Then I'll have to do the same thing next time. I chase the thought out of my head immediately.

"Annie, please don't cry. I can explain-" She holds up her hand, then takes a shaky breath.

"That isn't necessary. I understand everything perfectly. You kissed me, then realized how stupid it was as soon as you got to the Capitol and saw all of the rich, beautiful women there. I know that you regret it, so we don't have to talk about it anymore. We can make things go back to the way they were before." Her words are soft, but she delivers them in a perfectly steady voice. Every word is like another punch in the gut.

"I don't regret it," I say softly. This caught her off guard, I can tell by the way just the slightest bit of hope flickers in her eyes. She squashes it down immediately.

"Then why would you…?" For some reason that drives me nuts, the way that she won't just put the ugly truth out there for everyone to see.

"Just say it Annie. I laid half the women in the Capitol." She cringes at how bluntly I put it.

"Why?" she asks again. This is the tricky part. The part that I need to lie about, but I can't just say something that makes me sounds horrible.

"Because- because-" I can't think of anything. How pathetic. I'm always so smooth with words, but when I need them most I can't do anything but stutter.

"Do you even know?" she asks me. Yes, I do. Because I was forced to. If I didn't, you would be dead. I look her straight in the eye, trying to communicate the words, but she doesn't understand. She just stands there, waiting for an answer.

"I thought it would be fun," I mutter, looking down at the floor. "All of the other victors from around here were telling me about their trips to the Capitol, and I thought that it sounded exciting. But you have no idea how horrible I feel now. I wasn't thinking, and now I have to pay for it. I swear that I will never do it again, I swear. Please forgive me." I sound horrible, shallow, stupid.

"That doesn't sound like you," she says. For some reason hearing that makes me almost happy. She still knows who I am, she believes that I'm not a horrible person.

"I had a relapse after I saw something that reminded me of the games and I freaked out. I'm sorry, for the millionth time. I don't even know their names Annie, I don't care about them at all. I love you." The angry look disappears from her face and I can tell that I got Annie back. She isn't stupid, but she trusts me more than anything, even after I hurt her. Sure, I feel bad that I wasn't honest with her, but I couldn't have told her the truth without putting her in a ton of danger.

"But you're okay now?" she asks me.

"I feel like shit, sure, but I'm fine. I've been fine since I saw you." Then I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her hair and pretend that everything is going to be okay, that I'm not going to have to think of another excuse whenever President Snow wants me back, and that I'm not going to have to let go of the girl that I do love eventually.

"We need to find something that is going to start this rebellion, that's going to convince the districts that it's time to rebel," Borglum states, pacing back and forth in front of the rocks. Him, the girl who won this year who's name is Eliza, a gray haired man in his early fifties named Felix, and Mags. I had to carry Mags most of the way up here myself, and I'm still feeling the effects. I can hardly sit up straight, let alone listen to Borglum's ceaseless ranting. I joined the rebel cause wanting to kill President Snow in the slowest, most painful way possible. I didn't sign up for boring meetings and lots of worrying.

"Why would we have to do that?" I ask in a bored tone. "President Snow already has that accomplished with the Hunger Games." Everyone stares at me like I started stripping down right there in front of them. I guess I'm not usually very vocal at these things. There isn't any reason to be. It's all talk, and everyone knows that nothing is really going to happen.

After a short period of somewhat awkward silence, Eliza decides to speak. "The Hunger Games are the reason that we're rebelling, but we need something more. Something to give the districts the hope that they need to win. Until they have hope, they aren't going to consider acting out. We have to do something to at least get them thinking about rebellion."

I give her a look of admiration. That is why she won the Hunger Games just a few months ago and already has her head intact. All she did was think and set traps. She never really killed a human being, and I don't even think she had any really bad injuries either. She's just got this instinct for knowing how to make nearly anything work. Even though I doubt that she could get this rebellion going. We'll need a miracle for that.

"Thank you Eliza. And she's right Finnick. The Hunger Games are our reason to rebel, but we need something more. Something that will give everyone the hope that victory isn't impossible."

"Maybe if we gave the districts a leader, then they'd get the courage to rebel. The only problem is that they see me, Borglum, and especially Finnick acting like prostitutes with people from the Capitol. No one remembers if anything like that happened with Felix or Mags, but neither of them have the charisma that helped Finnick, Borglum, and I win our Games." Eliza says the words easily, but everyone gapes at her. Not only did she just suggest we allow everyone we love to be killed, but she also brought up the secret in the bluntest way possible. The secret that has me sitting through these meetings. The one that's prevented Borglum from ever getting over his Games. And the one that now obviously haunts Eliza. I guess that shouldn't surprise me, seeing as she's drop dead gorgeous, but it does. She seems so invincible. I should've figured out that there isn't any such thing a long time ago.

"Are you suggesting that one of us refuses to go along with Snow?"

"No, I would never ask that of anyone. I'm saying that we wait for the right time, for a victor that really can help us. Not necessarily from here, but from one of the districts that wants to rebel. And as soon as we find that person, we'll start making them into something that we can use to bring down the Capitol. Everyone needs someone to follow. We just have to wait until the right person, preferably a victor, comes along."

"What's wrong with Finnick?" Felix asks, joining the conversation. "I know people have seen him with the women from the Capitol, but they still look up to him. He'd be perfect as the face of the rebellion." I look up at him, trying to see whether he's serious. All of the victors have to know how I used to go for days without leaving my house, how the only time that I even go out now if with Annie. They've all seen me jump at people with my knife, or watch for things that aren't really there. Every single one of the people here has to know that I'm not mentally stable enough to be a leader. I wouldn't anyway, not when it would endanger Annie. There's only so far I would go for a chance to kill President Snow.

"Finnick will be powerful once the rebellion starts, but he won't be the one to start it. To the people that don't know him, he seems like he might as well have been born in the Capitol. He doesn't have a story behind him, not one that can be told yet. There's no way that the starving people in the districts would take up arms to follow a god-like rich kid that's seemingly perfect. We need someone that seems real." Even though I hate the way that she's describing me, I'm relieved that I've been thrown out from under the bus. Every word that she said is true anyway, even if I hate to admit it.

I vaguely remember thinking that before my Games too, that I'm way too much like the people from the Capitol. I feel a shiver run down my spine, even though I know that I've changed. But have I? I could say that I don't mess with girls like I used to, but I technically do. I could say that I don't get people to do what they want for me witih my looks, but I have the Capitol worshipping me. And I could say that I've gotten over the love of killing that I had for a short time during the Games, but right now my biggest desire is to murder Snow. I guess I am just like the people in the Capitol. Then I look around and see that everyone else in this cave is really almost just like me. I have to wonder if maybe the people in the Capitol aren't really that different from any of us.

"What about you, or even Borglum?" I ask to get my mind off that train of thought. I have to stop overanalyzing things, that's probably why I'm so depressed. And I am interested in this conversation too. Even though it's unrealistic, I love how they're talking like all of this is really going to happen. It actually gives me just the slightest bit of hope.

"Neither of them would work," Mags says. "Eliza doesn't have enough presence. She has all of the needed attributes, but she isn't the type of person that everyone would follow. And Borglum has way too much of a violent history for anyone to trust." I look for any inkling that either of them are unhappy to be shot down, but like me they both seem almost relieved. I guess that's only to be expected. Becoming the face of a rebellion that's doomed to fail isn't high on anyone's list. I try to picture what the perfect leader would be like but fail. There is absolutely no one that could get the districts to stand up to the Capitol. It's too unrealistic.