A/N- Okay, this feels better than my last ones, and I hope you think so too. Hopefully my updates will become more frequent too. As always, please read and reviews, and I appreciate everyone who's stuck with this story so far. Thank you.
I remember the Games two years after mine, where the only weapons in the arena were these huge clubs. I never paid very close attention, but I remember thinking about how painful those deaths would be. Just getting beaten to death by a thick wooden club. It was horrible, worse than most of the others, because no one died right away. They had all these bruises, all this messed up internal damage, but they just wouldn't die. This one girl's death really stood out to me. She was small, one of the youngest, and she had this beautiful curly blonde hair that fell down her back in shimmering waves.
There was this guy there that year, one of the biggest I've seen in the Games, and ruthless. He takes the club to this girl, hitting her again and again, long after she's dead. Her entire body was pounded into a bloody pulp, and I remember that her beautiful hair ended up saturated in blood and who knows what else. But the most haunting thing, now that I think about it, was her sea green eyes. When they showed her image after she'd died, I held Annie a little bit tighter, just because their eyes were so similar.
Well, now that image flies into my head, the heap of broken flesh that was left of that little green eyed girl. Except her blonde hair turns dark, and her features transform into Annie's. I can actually hear her screams echoing through my ears.
That image stays with me as Mags comes over to me, as she wraps her arms around me, trying to comfort me. It stays with me as she leads me to the Justice Building, and as she gently prods me into the room where they're keeping Annie.
For a second, she's still bloody and broken, but then my mind clears, and it's like I'm hit by a truck. Everything that I'm in such horrible danger of losing is suddenly right there in front of me, and I swear that I'm going to just break down. I made it through my Games, I made it through the depression that followed, and I'm fighting through what President Snow is forcing me to do. Hasn't my life been terrible enough? What kind of sick joke is it that I have to watch the girl that I love more than anything, the girl that I would die for, suffer? And why did it have to be Annie? Sweet, gentle, perfect Annie? She doesn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve to have her life scarred by the Hunger Games, she's never done anything to anybody. She can't die yet, she just can't. It's impossible.
"Finnick," she whispers. Her voice is strong and brave, but I can hear the undercurrent of fear in it too. That's what makes me remember that Annie doesn't need me to mope right now. She needs me to be the Finnick that she fell in love with, the one that can hold her and convince her that everything is going to be okay. I hate to admit it, but I haven't been that to her for a very long time. It seems like I've been doing the opposite, with everything Snow's been doing, and all of the rebel meetings. It's more like I'd been working my hardest to make her believe that the world is falling apart when it really wasn't. Now, when it actually is, I have to make her believe that it's not. I have to convince her that the Games aren't horrible, that even if you win, it almost gets worse, that there is no such thing as a true victory.
"Annie," I say back, in the strongest voice that I can muster. Then I wrap my arms around her and bury my face in her hair, breathing in her amazing scent. I don't want to leave her ever again, I don't know if I can leave her, but I have to. The mentors are already decided upon, and Mags and Borglum are going again. I should've been trained. I should've volunteered to go. If I did, I could spend another week with Annie. But I was too scared, so all that I can do now is watch.
"Don't let me go," Annie whispers to me. I wrap my arms around her more tightly, but I know that I'm going to have to let go eventually.
"You should say good-bye to your parents," I tell her. The words barely escape my throat. Annie turns her head and kisses me softly one more time, then takes a step back. It's physically painful.
"I love you Finnick," she says.
"Mags will get you home," I tell her. Then I kiss her forehead and walk out of the room before I break down completely. I should be stronger than this, I'm a victor for crying out loud. There shouldn't be anything that should be able to hurt me this much, but it seems like Annie and I are connected in some messed up way, like everything that she's involved in involves me too, and like if she dies, I'll drop dead at the exact same time.
When I'm out of the Justice Building, I'm completely lost. I don't know where to go, I have no idea what I should be thinking or doing. I'm lost. The fog is back, along with a slight edge of hysteria. My thoughts are numb, I can't really feel anything, but I know they aren't in order either. I can vaguely tell that I'm pacing back and forth, wandering aimlessly down streets. My hand goes to my waist, where I still carry the same knife I've had since my Games. I take it out and grip it tightly in my hands, just because it makes me feel better. Well, and because I'm in the mood to draw some blood from anyone who messes with me.
No one does though. I don't think I see anyone, but it's not like I'd notice anyway. It's not like it matters. Nothing matters. Annie is going to the Games, and even if she wins, it will be a fate worse than death. I hold my hands in front of my face and wonder if I really believe that. I don't want Annie dead, no matter what the Games do to her. I'm just that selfish.
But then again, I don't think Annie will make it back. I don't know how she can. She's too good of a person to win the Games, and I know that no one good even wins the Games, not if they stay good. I won the Games more convincingly than I've ever seen, and really, that's because I became so inhuman, cold, calculating.
Really, I think I still am. I never laugh unless I'm with Annie. I haven't really felt anything that doesn't have to do with her since I've gotten over my depression, the horror. I have to wonder if that's because I love her enough that I can't feel anything other than her. That doesn't make life without her promising, if she doesn't come back. I release my breath in a whoosh of air. What have I become? Nothing keeps me alive other than a girl. And then, am I really even alive? Everything since Snow first got to me seems like a giant blur. I remember moments with Annie, remember happiness, but that's it. I close my eyes, take a deep breath. What happened to the person that I used to be? Girls don't chase me anymore, not the ones outside of the Capitol. Everyone avoids me. If Annie dies, I'm contemplating killing myself. And even as I realize all of this, I can't even make myself care. Annie's going to the Games, and there's nothing else to care about.
My feet start moving again, my ugly thoughts evaporate, and I continue on, grateful when my mind fogs over again.
You know, it's strange that my world can be falling apart all at once, but that I can't even notice it. There's this dull ache in my heart, but that's it. I'm beginning to truly think that I might be able to make it through the following weeks like this. That is, until I find myself in front of the ocean. I stare for a second, decide that going on is better than stopping, and step into the ocean.
I can swim for nearly as long as I can walk, but the water awakens me. My thoughts sharpen again, and I can feel my heart beat for the first time today. At least I think it's still the day of the Reaping. I look up, surprised to see stars dotting the sky. It feels like I've been walking for maybe an hour. Strange. I roll onto my back and float on the calm water, staring at the glittering stars. The only sound I can hear is my heart beating, and for some reason it seems disjointed, like it can't even beat right without Annie here. It hurts too, every beat sending this weird hollow thud through my entire body. But the water caresses me, and I know that it's been there even longer than Annie has, and that no one will take it away from me. That thought comforts me, and I lie there until I can't stay awake any longer. Then I swim back to shore and fall asleep on the cool white sand.
I don't sleep for long though. With no fog, no pain to distract me, the things that I've managed to keep out of my mind all day come back to me. Nightmares of my Games return with as much force as they had as soon as I got out of the arena, except now Annie is added in. She takes Kyra's, the girl I'd flirted with during training, place during the scene where she gets her heart eaten out by Titus. She takes her half-sister's place when the arrow pierces her heart. And maybe worst of all, I kill her instead of the girl from District 1. I blow a kiss to her dead body, and tell her that the beautiful ones are the most fun to kill. Then I walk away smiling, just like I did when it actually happened.
I jolt awake right after that, but it's like the nightmare hasn't ended. It's even worse because I know that I would've killed Annie in those Games too. Sure, I couldn't now, but I remember how I knew that I'd kill Arowana if I had to. I didn't fall in love with Annie right away, it'd taken a couple years. If it'd been under the same circumstances, I could've killed Annie just like I would've done with her sister if she hadn't already died. That makes me feel even worse than reliving my Games did.
I lie on the beach and watch the sun slowly rise into the sky, but my thoughts are far away, at the Capitol, and at the arena the awaits Annie.
I don't plan on moving for the entire day, preferably not until Annie comes home, and if she doesn't, then I plan on walking into the ocean and never coming out. It doesn't quite work that way though. Rafe, surprisingly, finds me at about noon. It isn't lost on me that this is the same place where our friendship totally shattered. Sure, it'd been somewhat fixed for a while, but after seeing me sleep with half the women in the Capitol, he sort of quit talking to me. He actually came over to my house and cussed me out pretty good for it. That's why I'm so shocked to see him strolled up beside me.
"You look like shit," he says. I laugh humorlessly.
"I've never heard that before."
"That surprises me. I've been hearing stories about how fucked up you've gotten." I turn a little bit so I'm facing him.
"You know Rafe, I've been thinking a lot lately, and I don't really think that I've gotten fucked up. I've always been there. All anyone has had to do is stick me in an arena with a knife and some kids and let me loose."
"You're a decent person," Rafe says. Another laugh.
"Not really. I love Annie, but she's the only thing left I care about. I'm not even going to pretend that I haven't given up on you."
"That's no your fault, I've been a prick."
"And I've been a whoremonger, a murderer, and a lunatic. It's only natural you'd avoid me."
"This isn't your fault Finnick." Yeah, it's Snow's. And I'm going to suck him up real good for it too.
"I doubt that. I'm the one doing everything, so it must be my fault."
"The Games changed you."
"I don't think the Games really change people, I just think that they show what you're truly like."
"Finnick, it's not just what you're doing. You're acting dead."
"I basically am. Annie's the only thing that was keeping me alive, and as soon as she's gone, I have no reason to live. It's fucked up, but it's true."
"She'll make it," Rafe says. I shake my head.
"She's too good to make it out of that arena alive. Now, enough talk about this shit. What are you doing here?"
"I guess I assumed you'd need help."
"And you care?"
"I do have a heart."
"At least one of us does," I say.
"You love Annie," he argues.
"Yeah, and nothing else." And he has nothing to say about that. "Don't sweat it Rafe, I know it's true. I'm broken beyond repair. There's nothing that can fix me, and everyone knows it. Okay? Annie's going to die, and it isn't going to matter if you're here to help me out or not, because the second her cannon blows, I'm as good as dead. So you can go back home to your actual friends and laugh at the carnage."
"I don't-"
"Shit, yeah, sorry. That's me. Now go. I want to be alone."
"I don't just want to leave you here," he says. I sigh because I can tell that he's not going to go away.
"Let's go back to my house and check out the tv. They may have something on about Annie." He helps me up, then we walk back to my house together.
There isn't anything to do for the next week except watch and wait. Rafe stays with me the whole time, and Eliza drops in very frequently. I only move from in front of the tv when absolutely necessary, and I don't sleep until I can't possibly stay awake any longer.
I watch as Annie rides in her chariot, dressed in a beautiful mermaid costume. I watch her pick out the perfect stations at training, learning to survive rather than learning how to fight, which is the only way she has a chance to win, and I see her score a nine in training. I watch as she nails her interview, describing her home, her family, recalling the Games the she watched her sister go through, and telling the audience about a boy waiting for her back home, being very vague about who he is. Then I watch as the tributes retreat to the remake center, and I get as much sleep as I can before they start the Games, because I'm not going to miss a single moment that Annie's on that screen.