Sorry for the horribly infrequent updates, but I've just been so busy since school started, and it's like whenever I think I have time, something else just comes up. So, unfortunately I've resorted to updating when convenient. Thanks to anyone still sticking with the story this long, and I hope you'll continue to read it.
The first time that I know something isn't right is when they announce that the interview and recap will be pushed back so that the tribute will have time to recover. Annie didn't have bad injuries, none that would take two weeks to heal, but that's how long it took before they finally did the closing ceremonies.
During the recap, my unease grew as I watched Annie fidget back and forth, her eyes darting nervously side to side. Her eyes are still intelligent, but the only emotion that they show is fear. And I'm not sure, but I'm pretty positive that there was no Peacekeeper sitting right behind my throne. Even President Snow seems nervous, his eyes constantly flitting towards Annie.
"What's wrong with her?" Eliza asks me. I squeeze my eyes shut, not willing to say a word. I don't know what's wrong. I just know that I want to be there, that I want nothing more than to just hold her, to help her.
"She's going crazy," Rafe says, and even though he seems concerned, his words seem so callous to me. The knife in my pocket is suddenly in my hand, the cool blade touching Rafe's neck just an instant later. Eliza, who I didn't even pay attention to, knocks it out of my hand and across the room, but I don't pay attention.
"She's not crazy," I urge. "She isn't."
"Right, I know. Just a figure of speech," Rafe says hastily, but I'm not stupid, and I know that he meant what he said. It becomes even more painfully obvious when they show a replay of Altos getting beheaded. She buries her face in her hands and starts shaking back and forth, hugging herself tightly. They get her off screen quickly, but not before I notice the guard whisper something in her ear that makes her face twist in fear.
Anger bubbles up in my chest, and my vision seems to turn red. That isn't Annie. I knew Snow had it in him to do this, but for some reason I never thought he would. He can't possibly have a heart, not when can look someone as truly good as Annie in the eye, then not give a crap about her life, not care when he does to her piece of mind. But this isn't news. I've always known he was heartless. I guess it's just never quite dawned on me, not until this morning. Even when he turned me into a prostitute, my opinion of him wasn't quite this low.
I don't bother to watch the rest of the recap. Annie won't die there, and I can't stand looking at her another second. It's too miserable. I don't care if it's "required tv", I just leave the room. Later, I'd worry that Snow saw me leave and would punish someone for it, but at the time all I cared about was getting out of there.
That mindset didn't last much longer, though. I was back in front of the tv for her interview. Instead of letting my eyes eat up her smiles and take in every inch of her like I wanted to, I found myself studying her. Looking at the way she was never really still, or noticing how her voice was higher than it used to be, almost like she was on the edge of hysteria. Her eyes never settled in one place at once, and at random times, she'd squeeze them shut, just for a second. I'm guessing that it would've been longer if there weren't Peacekeepers motivating her, which I'm sure there were.
"She's talking fine," Eliza says encouragingly. I shoot her a venomous glare.
"There's no reason she shouldn't be." But my voice is so week that there's no way that she buys into my act of confidence.
The interviews that year are shorter, too. I'm sure that they end it early because Annie starts getting fidgety. She's on the verge of a breakdown, and it just about breaks my heart right there. Of course, there's still some small part of me that hopes she'll be fine when she gets home, when she sees me.
That hope disintegrates two days later, when Annie comes off the train. She's followed by a man dressed in white, and her eyes never leave the ground. I take a tentative step towards her, but the man in white holds up a hand. Then he turns to Annie, whispers soft words in her ear, and tightens his grip on her arm.
Annie looks up slowly, her fear filled eyes meeting mine, just for a fraction of a second. I swear, I swear to God, that there's a little of the old Annie there, just for a second, but then it's replaced by something else, something that makes me want to throw up. Distrust. Fear. Everything that shouldn't be there.
"Where are they?" she asks, her voice rising in pitch at the end. It's the same thing the people of the Capitol do, but instead of something to made fun of, when she does it, it sounds like her voice is on the verge of breaking.
"Annie?" I ask softly, not knowing what she's talking about. I should be thrilled to see her again, but every muscle in my body is tensed, just waiting for her to break.
"They're coming," she says urgently, her eyes searching for the tributes that she's so sure are coming for her. I remember that feeling. But I know that what's wrong with her is so much worse. I had control, at least enough that I didn't break down in front of people, enough that the only accident was the one time that I stabbed Annie. Right now, though, Annie looks like she'd go on an all out rampage if she was released. Or maybe she'd just run. I guess I don't know.
"You're safe Annie," I whisper to her. "No one's going to hurt you."
"You don't know," she says in a soft, but unstable voice. "You have no idea."
"I do. And I know you're going to be safe." She shakes her head furiously, so I try a different approach. "Do you know who I am?" I ask.
She stares at me, and I know she heard the question, but she doesn't answer for a very long time. The man in white looks at her carefully, while Annie's friends and family that have assembled in the square just start nervously.
"Why did you leave me?" she asks. The question hurts, because I did, I let her go off to the Capitol alone. But it doesn't hit me as hard as it would have if she had any idea what she was asking. She didn't, though, I could tell by the wrong note in her voice, the shifting of her eyes.
"I'm here now," I tell her softly, taking another small step closer. "I won't leave you again." She makes eye contact with me for just a second, then turns to the man in white.
"Too many," she says. Then the man grabs her arm, hastily apologizes to the huge crowd, and tows her away. I stand there, stunned and speechless, with my heart thumping away in my chest. By the reaction of everyone else, the feeling is mutual. I don't think this has ever happened before, and all I can think is, "Why Annie?"
The next two days drag by impossibly slowly. I spend every second I can at Annie's house, talking to her, cooking for her, cleaning everything. It's easier now, because her entire family has moved to Victor's Village, so I've even gotten in the habit of sleeping in one of the extra bedrooms.
None of it helps, though. All it does is hurt me. So, that second day, I just have to get out. I can't stand being at Annie's anymore. But the thing is, that when I leave, she stays with me. Her old smiles, the way she'd look at me before the Games, and how much all of that has changed. And it becomes too much. I have to forget, I just have to. If it would've been an option, I would've poured bleach in my brain to get those damn pictures out. Instead, I do something worse.
My entire body is in autopilot. I know for a fact that if I would've been thinking clearly, I never would've done anything close to what I did. But I wasn't. I was running on zero sleep, and my entire brain was just messed up.
So, when I'm done at Annie's house, I don't go home. I stumbled over to Eliza's, like I'm drunk. As soon as she answers the door, without any thinking at all, I throw myself at her, start trying to kiss her. Because all I want to do is escape. She pushes me away, she tries to push me away, but in pin her against the wall, and I don't let her go.
"Finnick, what the hell?" she asks when I pull back.
"You're really pretty," I say, then I try to kiss her again. She's prettier than Annie, I just notice that. Annie, without the spark in her eyes, without her normal smile, isn't that special at all. Right now, Eliza just looks crazy beautiful, with her hair all messed up, and that pissed off look on her face.
"Are you drunk?" she snaps at me. I laugh, even though it's not that funny.
"Nah, totally sober." That's actually a lie. I may not have had anything to drink, but no one would describe me as sober.
"Finnick, you need to go get some rest."
"I can't," I plead. "Nightmares. I don't want to rest, I want to forget." Then I lean in again.
"This isn't right," she mumbles, trying to push me off again. But I'm not exactly small, and she can't be much more than 120, so it's really no use. It doesn't matter, anyway, because I feel her give in just seconds later. I'm not sure if she gets tired, or if it's that effect I seem to have on every girl I meet, but she melts into my arms in what seems like no time at all.
"Finnick," she protests one more time, breathlessly.
"Just one night," I whisper, nibbling on her year.
"The Capitol did….," she starts, but I cut her last protest off with a kiss. Without taking my lips off hers, I lead her over to the coach, and then it's like she's just another one of the women of the Capitol. Well, I shouldn't say that. I know Eliza, and I know that she's a good person, and that she's not just beautiful on the outside, and maybe that's why it feels so much better. Maybe it's why she actually does make me forget.
And maybe that's why I don't leave when we're done. Maybe that's why I fall asleep with her in my arms, thinking that it actually feels really nice.
Yet, all of those nice feelings leave the next morning, when I wake up with this girl in my arms, her head on my chest, and it isn't Annie. It takes everything that I have not to just get up and run away. But it's Eliza, and she requires some kind of explanation, something.
I gently, nervously shake her awake. She blinks twice, then really sees me. Her eyes get huge before she seems to remember what happened.
"I-," she says, then lets her voice trail off.
"I'm sorry," I say, quickly filling the awkward silence.
"It's my fault, I shouldn't have-"
"No, you didn't want to."
"But-"
"If I leave now, we can just forget this ever happened?"
"Yes," she says quickly. Then I leave, with one last glance in her direction. She really is pretty.
And as soon as she's out of my site, I break down. Whatever guilt that you've ever felt, I swear to the Lord that it cannot be anywhere close to what I felt. It suffocated me, tore down my thoughts, stopped my breathing, and crushed my heart. I was literally gasping for breath, staring into space, willing it all away.
And I'm not talking about Annie. I'm talking about last night. Because there's no way, no way I should've ditched her like that. It wasn't worth it. Not at all. I love Annie, I know that I do, and I shouldn't be able to do something like that to someone I love, which makes the whole thing so much worse. I do love Annie, right?
Of course I do. I do, seriously. It's just… just…. Just that I turned my back on her when she needed me the most, and I shouldn't have even thought about doing that, no matter what happened to her. I should be there, right now, holding her hand, but I can't bring myself to go to her house. Not after what I did. She'll know. She may have lost her mind, but she'd know that. Then, instead of being indifferent, she'd hate me.
Worry eats away at my gut that entire day. Rafe knocks on my door, begging me to come out, for about twenty minutes, until he must figure I'm not home and runs away. That doesn't last long, though. He comes back, then starts yelling again. This time, he knows what's happened. I know this, because he comes out screaming, "I don't give a shit that you fucked Eliza. Annie needs you." Yeah, thanks Rafe. Way to soften the blow.
"If I let you in, will you shoot me?" I ask.
"Finnick," he pleads. I get up. I open the door. He punches me in the face.
"What was that for?" I ask, staggering backwards.
"What is wrong with you?" he snaps.
"Everything," I answer simply.
"Yeah, I figured that," he says. Then he softens just a bit, and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Everyone makes mistakes. Now just pull yourself together so we can go see Annie." I take a deep breath, then let him lead me out the door. My brain is so fried that I figure it'll be fine to let someone else make the decisions for a while.