Author's note: swimming anime. That is all.
oh also I finished this chapter and you should all be thankful to namayani for betaing for me and wading through all my crappy rough drafts despite having a life of her own hardcore shit I tells ya.
Edit: Mistakes in this chapter corrected one posting too late ugh I'm so done with myself fuck me with a shark.
Renji is by no means an angel— you can, in fact have too much of a good thing, morals included. Plus, nobody likes a kiss-ass boy-scout. But he's tried to be a good person, tried to do the right thing. He's stood by his friends and his duty to the public as a shinigami, and in the end that's what has always been important.
Then Renji inadvertently killed a child.
It's like Rukia's execution all over again. It's every fight with every opponent that Renji just couldn't win. It's the looks of suspicion that Renji received just earlier today from people he thought had trusted him. It was the feeling of having absolutely no control.
But that's not important, right? What matters is that there's a new threat spreading around Soul Society, and it's something he should be getting ready to face. He should be training, preparing for the next big fight with these... creatures. He should not be huddled on some empty porch on Ninth division grounds, dipping into a fresh bottle of sake and recounting his experience at the Twelfth to Shuuhei and feeling depressed, yet that's exactly what's happening.
Shuuhei doesn't have a lot to say, and he doesn't interrupt. Renji has a feeling that the scarred man's own encounter with the Soul Society's newest crisis has left a lot on his own mind, but Shuuhei clearly doesn't want to share. He just lets Renji talk, presses their shoulders together and rubs Renji's wrist occasionally. It's nice to be able to do this, to have this kind of attention and this support that Renji honestly just hasn't gotten used to yet.
He almost doesn't notice he's leaning into Shuuhei more and more while talking until he's curled up around the other shinigami's side. Even though there's no one around, it feels so very vulnerable to be doing something so intimate out in the open and not just in the privacy of their own homes during the darkening hours. But the vulnerability feels raw and real, and it drowns out the tension in Renji's mind when he makes a split-second decision and leans in to kiss Shuuhei.
Shuuhei responds almost automatically, and whereas most of the kisses they share are slow and sensual, this time it's hard and desperate. Renji wraps his arm around Shuuhei's side, pressing his palm against the small of Shuuhei's back and holding him closer as if for dear life, but all his actions are on autopilot right now. What they're doing isn't important, not so much as the fact that Shuuhei is here right now, and Renji's not sure he's ever adored the mere presence of a person so much in his life as much as he adores Shuuhei's.
The spontaneous moment leaves almost as quickly as it had arrived, but the craving for physical contact doesn't. Renji still has his arm around Shuuhei, who leans his head onto Renji's shoulder while picking the sake bottle back up from where it had been placed precariously close to the edge of the porch and takes a long swig.
"You know what sucks?" Renji volunteers after a while.
Shuuhei looks up at him, eyebrows lifted in surprise at being asked for his input. "Probably. What?"
"Everything." Renji decides, letting down the bottle of sake. "Absolutely everything sucks."
"I concur. What sucks the most?"
There was a pause of quiet as Renji considers his options. "Dunno. I've just got a really bad feeling, and it's telling me that everything sucks. There's a distinct feeling of suckiness about this whole thing."
"Because we're going to have to fight these monsters?" Shuuhei asks with his voice full of empathy, tapping his fingers nervously on the wood porch.
That's not it. Renji blinks as the thought occurs to him for the first time, a sense of guilt bubbling up inside him for not having considered it sooner. "Uh, yeah."
Renji's lie must be as transparent to Shuuhei as it had been to himself, because Shuuhei fixes his gaze a little more intensely on Renji, like he's trying to read his thoughts. "The kid you saw in the labs really got to you, huh?" He asks, his tone turning softer. "Oh, Renji, I'm sorry."
A shiver of discomfort crawls up Renji's spine. "Yeah, well, whatever. It's just, like- hollows I can handle killing. I'm all about fighting hollows. Arrancars, too. Even bad people. But it's different to think about killing normal souls who just got a bad break."
"We don't have much of a choice." Shuuhei points out. "You didn't see that creature I fought, Renji. There was no humanity left it that, it would have killed me and my captain if we hadn't killed it first."
"I know, and I get that. I'm glad you're not monster food, Shuuhei." Renji snorts, mood lightening for a split second before dropping right back down. "But isn't it weird to think about these things being made from normal people in Rukongai? If we hadn't become soul reapers that could have been us."
Shuuhei opens his mouth to speak, looking as if he's about to chastise the red-head for something, but Renji cuts him off. "And before you say it, I know it's pointless to think about it. We didn't stay in Rukongai. Neither of us will ever know what happened because it didn't so why bother thinking about 'what-if's', bluh bluh bluh. I'm was just thinking is all."
"I don't sound like that." Shuuhei protests sourly, twisting his mouth into a pout. "Listen, it's not going to do you any good to keeping thinking like this. Let's just go somewhere for our lunch break. Let's go to… I don't know where, let's just go to a place."
Shuuhei pulls himself to his feet, offering his hands to Renji to hoist him up. Renji lets himself be dragged away from the porch like a wayward child. "Are we still social pariahs or does a monster invasion kind of cancel out our personal drama?"
At Renji's words, Shuuhei's face twitches in a frown and his brows knit together. His response is icy, in a surprising flip from his warm and laid-back mood from just a minute ago. "I have a this on-going project to not give a shit one way or the other."
"Something happen?" Renji asks, "I mean, something else? A lot of things have happened. Man, like, everything happened this week. Everything just… happens so much."
Shuuhei rolls his eyes like he's bored, but it doesn't disguise the flash of anger. "Nothing happened. I had a talk with Kira, but it wasn't important. Just- fuck. We're mad at him right now, okay? Don't ask me why, just be mad."
"Why, what happened?" Renji speeds up, trying to keep up with Shuuhei's quickening pace and yanking on his arm.
"I said not to ask. You're not very good at listening, you know."
Renji stops, acting as an anchor to halt Shuuhei in front of him. "Fuck you and fuck you once more for trying to keep me out of the loop. Did you and Kira have a fight or something? A fight about you and me?"
The slighter man shrugs his shoulders, completely ignoring Renji's question. "Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. Let's just move on and eat before we have to go back to work. It doesn't even matter where, we can frolic into the wilderness and eat raw deer with our bare hands for all I care."
Renji considers Shuuhei for a minute, folding his arms over his chest. Soft-spoken Izuru, who was so often the voice of reason and the one who thought things through, appears to have said something that deeply troubled his Shuuhei.
"Okay, let's go to lunch." Renji decides, nodding as much to himself as to Shuuhei. "That restaurant close to squad ten." Then, with a smile, he adds: "The usual place."
Shuuhei wavers, giving Renji a dubious look. "Are you sure? It'll be really busy this time of day."
"Yes it will, and chances are that we'll run into somebody we know and we'll have to engage in social interaction." Renji agrees, speaking of "social interaction" with the same inflection one might use when saying "guerrilla combat," or maybe "doing two weeks worth of paperwork in an afternoon." "But avoiding everyone on purpose would probably be worse anyways, and it's not like we can do that forever. We might as well get the hard part over with now."
Shuuhei twists his mouth into a thoughtful frown, regarding Renji with a bit of suspicion. "I suppose. I mean it can't be any worse than hiding and making people get the wrong idea, right?"
Renji shrugs, and despite the fact that it was his suggestion he's not feeling very committed to the idea. "I guess we'll find out."
"Do we have to like it?"
"Hell no."
Entering the restaurant provides Renji with a different kind of anxiety than being in the Sixth did. In his own squad, Renji is the second-in-command and is expected to be somewhat professional. And if he can't do that, he at least has to appear confident enough and play his part as the yang to Byakuya's yin. As long as he sticks to his image and acts like he knows exactly what's expected of him everything runs smoothly and that's just the way he likes it.
Off-duty, he's supposed to be relaxed and comfortable being surrounded by his peers. He's not relaxed. The feeling is more similar to being a freshman in the academy, sitting next to a distractingly and confusingly attractive student during second period, one who was struggling to find the least offensive way of asking where exactly Renji was from, because he definitely never heard such an accent before, causing the commoner in question got so nervous and frustrated he just wanted to take that student's face and hold it between his hands and demand that he stop talking, please, that's enough just shut up.
One graduation and a few squad-shuffles later, Renji would give that same dude a blow job at a boring party. Neither man would ever speak to each other or of the night again. But that is neither here nor there, nor relevant at all at this point. Perhaps it will be a story for another day, or perhaps it shall forever remain mystery lost to the ages.
The point is that Renji's uncomfortable, and wondering if it shows. He's devoid of that feeling of confidence his rank and reputation are supposed to afford him, and therefor walking into an establishment full of people trained in the art of taking down an opponent the moment they show weakness is not one of his more pleasurable experiences.
Not exactly detracting from his discomfort there is a flash of a familiar pink scarf among the otherwise mostly-colorless backdrop of the restaurant patrons that catches Renji's eye. Attached to it is an uncharacteristically lonesome Rangiku.
She's tucked away in her own booth, distractedly sipping a cup that looks like it contains tea. Well, it's probably tea, since she doesn't seem to be accompanied by anyone this time. Should she ever be asked, Matsumoto will report that only alcoholics drink alone, and she always drinks with friends. And Matsumoto has a lot of friends. But none are with her right now, making the situation just a bit alarming, and she's just sitting there and bobbing her head ever-so-slightly to some unheard tune in her head as if she's been spacing out for a while.
Something phases her back to reality, though, because she blinks back to full attention and catches sight of Renji and Shuuhei. Her gaze meets Renji's before rolling over to Shuuhei, and for an instant her eyes are wide with panic and she looks like she might bolt. Instead, she wipes the expression off her face and gives them both a wide, dazzling grin, waving her arm for their attention like a spastic marionette.
"I think she's trying to tell us something." Shuuhei comments into Renji's ear dryly, making Renji snort. He didn't mean it as a mean snort, though. More like a light-hearted snort. Shit, he hopes Shuuhei isn't going to be mean to Matsumoto. Out of all people, the busty lieutenant would normally be the least likely contender for Shuuhei's wrath, but with the weird Izuru-related vibes Shuuhei was sending out earlier, Renji can't really be sure of anything.
They seat themselves at Matsumoto's table, where Renji, to his surprise, confirms that Rangiku is indeed drinking some sort of herbal infusion. Some dark liquid that smells sickly-sweet, like passionfruit or pomegranates or one of those other exotic fruits that Renji associates with tiny umbrellas sticking out of brightly-colored drinks.
"Sooo," Matsumoto begins, stretching out the word like she's buying time to think of how to start a conversation, "It seems like you two have been busy, from what I've heard! Crazy stuff, huh?"
Was that a sex innuendo? Renji hopes that it wasn'to. That would be vastly inappropriate from Rangiku at this point. Renji looks over to Shuuhei, watching his brows lift and his face turn pink as he seemingly thinks the same thing Renji is.
Matsumoto catches this and her eyes go wide again, and she makes some sort of gesture with her teacup like she's shooing away bad thoughts and not just almost spilling her tea. "I mean the creatures-made-of-apathy thing! Like, Renji, you found that poor kid in the labs, and," she points her cup at Shuuhei, "you even got up close and personal with one of the monsters. It seems like you guys run into all the excitement lately."
"Yeah, sometimes I wish we could just run out of it." Shuuhei chuckles nervously, tensing his fingers on the edge of the table.
"If it were that easy to just avoid trouble, I think we might all be out of a job." Renji points out. He leans his elbows on the tabletop, trying to look casual and probably failing to do so. "Life as we have grown accustomed to it would be over. How would we keep either of you two in fine accessories without that trouble-justifying paycheck coming in?"
Matsumoto giggles and fingers the chain around her neck. Shuuhei pouts in Renji's direction before self-consciously glancing at one of the bands around his biceps that make up his explosive jewelry collection (a fashion must for those who want to blow up their enemies in the most punk rock manner).
"That's hilarious coming from you, Mr. 'Super Expensive Sunglasses Really Help With The Sun Reflecting Off My Sword'." Shuuhei observes, holding his jaw in his hand.
Renji feels himself bristle. "Sunglasses are awesome, shut the fuck up! I don't want to hear any fashion criticisms from you, sir. You think everyone's forgotten about that stupid chunky collar you used to wear in the academy? Because I remember, Shuuhei! I'll always remember!"
"Hey, anyways." Matsumoto cuts in, although she looks like she's reluctant to interrupt what would surely be a very interesting conversation. "I've been thinking a lot about, y'know, what happened over the weekend. When I let the cat out of the bag about what Shuuhei said, without really thinking that there might be a whole, like, actual relationship behind that. Although to be fair it was half Kira's fault, even though that doesn't really make it any less my fault- ah, balls!"
She knocks her head back against the wall, glaring at the ceiling. Shuuhei blushes at the her attempt to reach out to him, because he is Shuuhei, although Renji approvingly notes that he's much less dumbstruck by Matsumoto now than he was before the two of them got together. He even stares at her boobs for, like, only fifteen seconds. Good for him. Good for her. Shuuhei is the first to break the cleavage-induced silence. "I think a simple apology would be acceptable. Renji?"
"I wanted to wait to see what you'd offer as an apology gift, but you know for some reason Shuuhei shot me down." Renji reccounts dryly.
"No but shoosh, I'm totally trying to be sincere right now." Matsumoto protests, snapping back to attention and straightening her posture. "The point is: I was a crummy friend for doing that. It wasn't any of my business. I'm really sorry and if I could take it back I would. And I swear if anyone ever gives either of you shit I will personally cut the sorry bastard into pieces so fast he won't even have the time to plead for mercy." She raises her hand as she speaks, like she's making a pledge, and part of Renji is a little touched because he kind of believes her. Another part of him is a little scared because he kind of believes her.
He doesn't really know what to say or how to tell Matsumoto that challenging people to duels to protect his and Shuuhei's honor isn't really necessary or encouraged. "Okay, cool."
"Thank you, Rangiku. Although, if you still really wanted to make it up to us, maybe you could, you know, ask the Shinigami Women's Association to stop sending us hell butterflies," Shuuhei commands more than asks, in a tone that could make one think hell butterflies are fifty pound beasts with a wingspan of ten feet and large fangs. "And if you really want to cut someone into pieces, you could also kill some monsters, as there is also a non-Renji-and-Shuuhei crisis that we should be dealing with. As Shinigami. Vice-Captains. Our jobs."
"Oh yeah, that thing again." Matsumoto ponders, sounding like she has forgotten all about it during the past few minutes. "Pretty spooky, eh? It's weird, to think about that kind of stuff happening to normal people out there. Especially for us Rukongai brats who know what it's like to slum it up on the intersection of Nobody-Gives-A-Fuck Street and You-Might-Die-Today avenue."
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was saying!" Renji announces, looking at Shuuhei and gesturing to Matsumoto like she's Exhibit A. "And are we just supposed to keep cutting these things down? If memory serves, Gotei already tried to solve its problems like that before. Just ask your captain."
Shuuhei scowls, and Renji thinks a second too late that this might have been a low blow. It doesn't make his point any less valid, though. Tentatively counted point for Renji.
"Um, I know I said I wasn't going to stick my nose in your business anymore about fifteen seconds ago, but are you two having a fight or something?" Matsumoto asks, looking between the two men nervously.
"We're not having a fight." Shuuhei assures her.
"We're having a debate." Renji corrects in his best matter-of-fact tone.
"No, we're not."
"You guys!" Matsumoto accuses them, sounding distressed.
Renji pats her hand that's resting on the table, sighing dramatically. "It's all right, dear. Your mother and I just had a disagreement, it won't happen again."
Shuuhei swats him on the shoulder, glaring at both shinigami as they snicker. "How can you go from all empathetic to the plight of strangers to obnoxious and annoying in, like, three seconds?"
"A talented one you've picked up here indeed." Matsumoto smirks from over the top of her teacup.
"You people are going to drive me insane." Shuuhei grumbles, glancing at the clock mounted on the wall and glowering. "And if we keep on like this we're going to waste our whole break without even eating."
Matsumoto perks up. "I've got some snacks stored away in my office if you guys want to hang out after the lunch and-"
"Please finish your break and go back to work, Rangiku." Shuuhei chides, getting up with his eyes pointedly at the front counter where patrons are placing orders as he starts to get up. "You too, Renji. No more running into trouble, either. You scared me half to death earlier."
Renji rolls his eyes, "Not like I had much of a choice in the manner. Wasn't even my fault, y'know!"
"Just try to be good, okay?" Shuuhei pushes, lighting shoving Renji's head and making his bandana fall over his eyes as he stands up.
"Fine. I'll be on my very best behavior just for you, princess." Renji says sardonically, making a dramatic show of straightening his posture as he fixes his bandana. "Look, look at how professional I am, going back to work after my assigned hour of freedom."
Rangiku snorts, not making much effort fix her own very relaxed position. "Are the two of you always like this when you're together?"
"Yeah, something like it." Renji admits, watching Shuuhei's back as the slighter man regards the restaurant selections on the wall. He'd better order something on Renji's behalf, because he actually would like to eat at some point, thank you, and not just sit here watching the rest of his lunch break tick away.
"Oh, actually that reminds me!" Renji mentions aloud to Matsumoto. "Why were you hanging out here all by yourself? Seems a bit unlike you, to be honest."
She raises a brow at that, bright blue eyes regarding him with confusion, but also amusement. "How does yours and Shuuhei's behavior dynamic remind you of my social habits?"
"It doesn't. My own thoughts did, in a sort of round-a-bout way." Renji explains casually. "But more to the point, it's a little weird do see you around and not hanging out with anyone. You're probably the most social person I can think of."
At that she smiles and looks down into her teacup, which she passes over the surface of the table from hand to hand. "Ah, that. Well, I guess after the meeting I wanted to be away from everyone for a little bit, or at least anyone who would usually try to find me. I wasn't expecting to see you guys here, so that ended up being kind of a happy accident. You and Shuuhei are good company for situations like this, when souls in the Rukongai are involved. You don't... you know, try to forget."
Renji knows exactly what she means. Being a shinigami is supposed to make you better than "ordinary people"— it promises honor and prestige and seals you away behind white walls. There are a good portion of those who come from the higher districts who are perfectly happy to shed their former status and pretend their origins never existed. That kind of a thing isn't for Renji, though. He's not going to brag about going to sleep hungry and spending weeks at a time without a roof over his head, but the Rukongai is a part of his identity, just as much as being a shinigami is.
Sometimes, though, it's easy for Renji to forget he isn't as alone as he thinks he is. Matsumoto is a good friend with a frightening degree of street smarts, but she's not the person Renji's mind immediately leaps to when considering people who share his world view.
He tries to imagine Matsumoto the way she would have been when she was growing up- dirty, frail, and angry. When he fails to match the image to the charming, powerful woman before him, he lets his curiosity get the better of him.: "Do you ever try to forget?"
"No. Well, I never try to." Matsumoto admits, worrying her lip between her teeth anxiously. "I just never thought about it as being such a big deal. I guess I've never had a reason to. I mean, I had it rough out there, but everyone's got their horror story." Renji gets the feeling that there's a very specific story behind that phrase that he won't be hearing any time soon, but she just plows ahead. "But when I heard about the monsters, and the district... I had friends that lived in that district, Renji. They weren't close friends, but I grew up with them and I cared about them, and now I don't know if they're alive or dead or something worse. I don't know what's happening to anyone in the higher districts and if they were my friends, or if they were someone else's friends or their parent or their child. They could have their humanity ripped right out of them just because no one cared and it..."
Renji nodded as the reality of her words dawned on him. "It makes everything that much more personal."
Matsumoto sighs and runs a hand through her hair, tucking a strand of blond behind her ear. "Yeah, so now I don't even want to fight these things. Which is stupid because what are we gonna do if we don't, just let them keep popping up and ripping apart Soul Society? I dunno, everything just really sucks."
Renji knows exactly how she feels.
There's not a lot Renji can volunteer to comfort the blond at this point because what can he do except agree with her? A moment or two of depressed silence passes and just as Renji starts to get comfortable in his own little bubble of morose angst, Shuuhei reappears at the table. And praise the gods he has food!
"Shuuhei, you are my favorite!" Renji announces as he pulls a bowl closer to himself, because he can do a lot of things due to a somber feeling of vague despair, but going on an empty stomach is not one of them.
The mood elevated, the three shinigami spend the rest of the lunch hour talking about forgettable, inoffensive things. And, like the porch with Shuuhei, it's nice. And if Renji happens to spot a flutter of shimmering black out the window and considers that it may or may not be carrying news regarding further tragedy in the Rukongai, and if he happens to catch Rangiku's eye and wonder if she's thinking the same thing, he can just tuck those thoughts away, at least for a while.