Chapter Seventeen - Pacey's P.O.V.

Why does this have to be so hard? Why, because you're listening to Doug's voice telling you that no one cares about you, and that they have given up on you. You used to live here, just walk up to the door and knock. I keep telling myself I can do this, yet I can't seem to move. I've been sitting here on the curb across the street for half an hour now, watching the house. I'm looking for any signs that he isn't there, that I can go in, talk to mom and leave.

"Damn it Doug, why did you have to tell me that Mom's worried about me?" I say out loud. He's using my own guilt against me, and I can't stand it when he does that.

"Come on Witter!" I say forcing myself to move. I cross the street and open the gate. Ringing the bell I wait for her to open the door.

"Pacey! Oh thank god!" she cries, hugging me tightly.

"Hi mom." I say quietly.

"We've been so worried about you. We haven't heard anything from you since you left, Doug told me you contacted him for some of your things a few months ago and that you were in Boston, but other than that nothing."

"Mom, it's okay! I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"But Pacey,"

"No Mom, listen. I'm in town for the weekend but I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I just came by because I saw Doug and he said you were worried."

"Of course, I've been worried. You disappear for months and no one knows why or even where you've gone."

"I left because I needed to get away from this place, and these people. To prove everyone wrong, and I have. Now listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once, and then I'm leaving. I'm living in Boston, my life is really good there and I don't want anyone messing that up. I'm going to school and working. I've got good friends that care about me, and we look out for each other. Through some miracle I found Joey again and we're together, and plan on staying that way. I love her, so don't be surprised if you here things about us around town. I wanted you to know that I'm fine and that you don't have to worry about me. I love you, but I can't be a part of this family, it's just too hard. If something really important happens and we think you need to know about it, I'll let you know but for now I need to be alone with people who believe in me, and love me unconditionally. I hope you understand, now I have to go."

"But Pacey, I love you too and have so many questions." She says I can hear the tears in her eyes as she speaks.

I sigh and say, "I know Mom, I just can't answer them; not yet. I'm not ready. You'll hear from me when I am." With that I turn and walk out the door with out looking back.

"Hey Pace, how'd it go?" Jen asks me when I return to the B&B. I'd told her I was planning on going and seeing my Mom today. She understands how hard it is to cut your family out of your life; having been through something similar herself and she told me she'd be here for me when I got back.

"About as well as I'd expected."

"It's hard. Cutting people you love out of your life because no matter how hard either you or they try, you're just better off with out each other."

Suddenly I feel very tired, and want to be alone. Running my hand over my face I groan and look over at Jen. "Lindley, I think I need some time alone, do you mind?"

"Not at all Pacey. Just remember that when you're ready to talk about it we're all here for you; and we all love you."

"Thanks." I say as she heads out of the house, leaving me sitting in the living room staring at the wall. I look around at the familiar things in this room and smile. This is my home now and nothing is going to change that. I look around a little more and notice that Bessie has put up a few more pictures since the last time I'd looked. There's one of Alex in Joey's little row boat with Bodie, one of Jen, Jack, and Joey eating ice cream sitting on the picnic table out back obviously taken this summer, and finally one of the gang taken at graduation. Dawson has his arm around Joey and looks like he just won the lottery, Jen, Jack and Andie are crowded in and even Drue managed to squeeze into the shot. On the surface Joey looks happy but there's something in her eyes that is telling me a different story. She looks almost sad, like some part of her is missing. Looking back I should have been there. I should have graduated with my classmates, rather than sneaking out before anyone would notice I was missing. She needed me and I had let her down. Picking up the picture frame I run one finger over her image and sigh.

"I'm so sorry, I couldn't be there for you." I say quietly.

I feel her hand touch my shoulder lightly and jump at the contact, amazed that she had managed to sneak up on me like that. I can usually tell when she is near, but I was so lost in thought I didn't notice her approach.

"Pacey, it's okay. I understand why you couldn't be there." She says indicating to the picture.

"But I should have been. I was too consumed with doubt and self-loathing that I didn't see what was in front of me, that you needed me to be there for you that day."

"Pacey, you had your own demons to deal with, I was upset at the time but I got over it." She says kissing me softly. "And speaking of demons how did it go today?"

"It was hard. I hated having to tell Mom that no matter how much I might love her, I can't be a part of her family right now. There are too many obstacles, for that. I told her about my life, about you, and Boston. I couldn't go in to specifics. She's better off not knowing about my scholarship, she'd just worry that much more. I told her not to worry about me, that I was doing fine and have people who love and support me. I'm not willing to sacrifice everything I've worked so hard for, to lose it all again because my father and older brother are jerks who take pride in berating my existence."

"I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now, but if it helps I love you and I'm so proud of the man you've become."

"It does. So you snuck in here really quietly, how did it go?"

"About the same as for you, only different. I hate going up there but I needed to go talk to her."

"Jo you should have let me go with you."

"No Pace, you had to deal with your mom, and I had to deal with mine. It just hurts so much because every time I go it reminds me of exactly how much I don't remember about her." Her voice his heavy with emotion and she's moments away from tears. I pull her into my arms and breath in her scent as she shudders. It amazes me that she always smells the same, she has for years, like a meadow full of flowers after it rains.

"Come here." I say pulling her to the sofa and down into my lap. I just hold her for a few minutes while she gets her emotions under control. I know how much she hates to cry, she thinks it shows weakness but in this case it's okay for her to let it out, she was robbed of her mother at a young age and the scars still haven't completely healed. Once her breathing has returned to normal I speak trying to lighten the mood a little.

"So, what were you thinking about when this picture was taken?" I ask realizing that I'm still holding the frame.

"Well, a couple of things actually. I was thinking about you and how you we're missing out on everything that day, how you should have been with your friends, your surrogate family not getting as far away from us as possible."

"And the other?"

"I was trying to figure out how to get out of going to Dawson's graduation barbecue. I wanted to be alone for a while."

"Want to hear something funny?" I asked.

"What?"

"Well, earlier when I went to see my Mom it was really hard to go to the door at first and I couldn't figure out why. But when I got back here, I was sitting here by my self and it hit me why."

"Why Pace?"

"This is my home, not that house. I may have grown up there, but this is where I belong. I look around at everything in this room and know why things are the way they are. I can feel the love in this room, in this house and I'm thankful that I'm a part of it." She's looking down at me with fresh tears in her eyes, but these are tears of happiness not pain.

"Pacey John Witter, that is possibly the best thing anyone has ever said to me." She says as the tears spill over her lashes and run down her cheeks.

Suddenly I don't remember why I'm waiting, this is the perfect time to ask her to be mine forever. I lift her off my lap and place her on the sofa beside me reaching for the jacket that I had thrown across the back of the sofa when I was talking to Jen. She seems confused by my actions, and I calm her with a kiss, I put all of the love and tenderness I feel for her into it. The kiss is passionate, but not out of control, she is distracted enough that I can locate the small box hidden in one of my coat pockets. I end the kiss and smile at her resting my forehead against her own.

"Pacey?" she asks breathless, and still a little confused.

"Shh, Jo just listen okay?"

"Um, okay." She agrees reluctantly.

Kneeling down on one knee in front of her I take her hand in mine and begin, "Josephine, I have loved you for possibly my entire life. You were my best friend when were kids, and you were the girl I loved to hate in junior high because I thought I could never have you. The day you came to me on the docks and told me that you loved me too was the best day of my life. I know that I've made some mistakes in the past where we are concerned, but if you'll give me the chance I want to prove that I'm worthy of you for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me and make me the happiest man alive?" I open the small black box and I hear her gasp.

"Oh Pacey, Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!" she says tears now falling down both of our faces. I pull the ring from its box and with shaking hands slip it on to her finger, its a perfect fit just like I knew it would be. Needing to kiss her and feel her lips against mine I move to sit next to her again, and lower my mouth to hers for the best kiss I've ever had in my entire life.

"I love you Josephine." I murmur against her lips.

"I love you too Pacey." She replies.

Finally we pull away and smile at each other. She suddenly starts giggling.

"What?" I ask.

"I take back my earlier comment, that proposal was the best thing anyone has ever said to me."

"Good, because I was really scared that you would say no."

"No you weren't!" she teases.

"Yeah, I had it on good authority that you would say yes." She is looking at her ring, admiring how it looks on her finger.

"You like the ring?" I ask.

"I love it, but Pacey it must have cost you a fortune."

"You are worth every penny I spent on it. I saw them, that one and it's matching wedding band in the Bahamas and had to get them."

"But we weren't even together then. Why spend all that money if you didn't know for sure if we would ever get back together?"

"They were made for you, and I just knew."

"So you've been thinking about this for a long time then?"

"Yeah, I've been carrying them around with me everywhere I go. I talked to Bessie about it the other day, and I've been waiting for the right time to ask you. I'm actually surprised that you never found them, the number of times you've worm my jacket."

"How did I get so lucky?"

"Jo, I'm the lucky one."

"We're both lucky. So since you've been thinking about this for so long, when did you see us getting married?"

"I hadn't really thought about that. I know that were still young, and still in school, so I understand if you want to wait a few years. I just wanted the rest of the world to know that we are going to be together for the rest of our lives. So it's up to you, whenever you're ready."

She just smiles radiantly at me, and pulls me close kissing me. "How's June?" she whispers against my mouth.