Chapter 9

Never pay back evil for evil to anyone.

Respect what is right in the sight of all men.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

Never take your own revenge, beloved,

but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written,

"Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.

Matthew 5:44-46

THEN

Lawrence, Kansas, March, 1996

Dean didn't believe in God. If he existed, why did He let people suffer and bad things happen? Why the wars, why do people starved, why do children die? He could draw comfort from the fact that there was no God, because the alternative – that He just didn't care – was far worse.

He used to go to the church with Mom and Dad when he was small, but when Dad left, Mom stopped going. Years later, when she started going to church again, Dean refused to go with her. Maybe her faith in God had been only momentarily shaken; but his was lost forever.

He taught Sammy how to pray, nevertheless. And every time his little brother asked something about God and Mom wasn't there to answer, Dean tried to do his best and answer Sam the way Mom would have. But it wasn't easy, because deep down he knew God was just one more fairytale, like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. And if He existed, He didn't give a shit about them.

Alright, Mom was happier now, and Sammy was growing up happy enough. But Dean didn't thank God for that. It was just luck and chance, randomly given to people and randomly taken away at the turn of the tide; and maybe a little determination in the mix.

He never told anyone, though, because every night Mom came to tuck him in bed, up until he was eighteen, and he would never tell a living soul, but it was the best moment of his day. He loved her warmth and the smell of her hair when she kissed his cheek, and the softness of her hands when she caressed his forehead.

And she would always say "Goodnight, baby. Angels are watching over you."

He didn't believe it, of course. But knowing she wished an angel watched over him was enough to make him fall asleep feeling safe.

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, August, 2013.

"Fuck, what was that?" Dean hissed, searching for Castiel's hand in the dark.

Castiel's heart started beating faster. He could feel something bad was about to happen. Running to the nearest window, he saw what he feared the most: a cloud of black smoke approaching the police station, while thunder and rain abruptly started outside.

"Dean!" he said loudly, grabbing at Dean's arm, "Whatever happens, I want you to leave this place now!"

"What? Cas, we're both getting out of here!"

Castiel put his hands on Dean's shoulders and shook him a little. "Not anymore! Leave!"

"Are you crazy?" Dean yelled, opening the door and pulling Castiel along with him through the corridor.

"Leave!" Castiel yelled again, but there was no time: seven policemen suddenly stood before them, and the lightning outside illuminated their faces, with completely black eyes and angry expressions.

"The hell?" Dean yelled beside Castiel. "What are these people?"

The angel didn't answer. He shoved Dean inside the nearest room, while the demons advanced in his direction, smiling devilishly and pointing guns at him. His momentum caught Dean off guard and Castiel managed to lock the door, trapping Dean inside.

"What – Cas!" he heard Dean yell, but he was already drawing out his angel blade and facing the demons.

Even with his Grace depleted, Castiel hoped he would be able to defeat them. There was no way he could let them get to Dean. These were low-level demons, judging by their black eyes, but Castiel knew they would be much stronger than a human.

He hadn't tested his ability against so many demons in his new weakened condition, but even like that, he hadn't lost his familiarity with situations where fighting was required. He readied himself, and when the first blows came, he started moving with the fluidity and confidence of someone used to a fight.

He blocked blow after blow, keeping his senses alert and his attention focused solely on the enemies. He was outnumbered, and a few gunshots managed to escape the invisible barrier formed by the movements of his blade, but maybe he moved too fast, or maybe it was luck, but the bullets only scratched his skin. Slowly, he defeated demon by demon, and one by one, they fell with the sharp blows he delivered. It took some time, though, and by the end of it, he was panting and completely exhausted.

Dean was yelling from the other room, to be set free, banging furiously at the door, and when the last demon fell, Castiel unlocked the door, covered in sweat and still panting.

"What the fuck you think you're-" Dean started, but then he saw all the demons on the floor. "Oh God, Cas, what did you do? How did you-"

"We don't have time for this, Dean!" Castiel yelled. "You need to get out of here now!"

"Hello, boys," a male voice with a British accent said, from behind them.

"I wouldn't be in such a hurry if I were you." Castiel turned, and there was Crowley, with his gruesome red eyes, flanked by five or six black-eyed demons.

"You!" Castiel said in disbelief, his eyes widening. It was really him; Crowley wasn't dead, after all.

"What the fuck, dude, where did you come from?" Dean yelled, incredulous. "Did you just pop here?"

"We killed you," Castiel said, shaking his head. "The ritual, it was correct; we did everything right! Why are you still alive?"

Crowley smiled, almost sweetly. "Oh, angel, your good heart will be the death of you one day. Hey, maybe this day is today, uh?" He looked at Dean and then at Castiel again, winking flirtatiously. "You and that noble man left the meat suit alive, he even called 911. Imagine my joy when I realized I had someone to return to."

"I killed you," Castiel repeated.

"Cas?" Dean looked from Castiel to Crowley, frowning. "Do you know this asshole?"

But Crowley didn't pay attention, and Castiel was too focused on the demon to answer. "You tried, angel," Crowley went on. "And it would have worked! But me and dear Fergus McLeod here – that's the meat suit name – we have a pact, and you see, one can only die if the other is dead too. But you, good old fools, you left him alive."

"I don't kill innocent people!" Castiel said indignantly.

"You should have, because the pact was made with ashes and blood, and he can only die when I die too – which will be never – but the opposite worked just fine this time. You left the bastard alive, and I didn't die because of it."

Castiel pulled Dean behind him and brandished his blade. "Come on," he said, eyeing Crowley defiantly. "Don't waste my time, demon. Let's get this over with, and I'll be sure to kill you this time."

"What-" Dean murmured, astonished. "Cas?"

Crowley made a dismissive gesture at Dean with his hand. "Calm down, Ken Doll, I know it's probably too much for your idiotic brain to understand, but I need to talk to the angel here, alright?"

"You are not going to harm Dean," Castiel snarled. "You'll have to kill me first, assbutt."

Crowley smiled. "No need to use terms of endearment with me. And killing you? That can be arranged, you know. Only, making you suffer will be much more fun!" he rubbed his hands, excited. "I can barely wait."

Castiel took a step forward, but Crowley didn't move, and at the same time his lackeys advanced to Castiel with knives in their hands.

The angel immediately began to refute all the coup attempts of the demons, in a graceful, precise and lethal dance. He could feel the incredulous look of Dean on him. He had no idea of how he would explain everything to him, but he could not think about that now. First had to get Dean out of there. Alive.

But little by little, his tiredness was getting to him, and he could not rely on his Grace to maintain the necessary agility. One knife hit his left flank, and as he bent to the side, with his hand on the bleeding wound, one of the demons passed by him and grabbed Dean, throwing him with ease against the opposite wall.

"Dean!" Castiel cried, redoubling his efforts, trying to ignore the pain that radiated through his torso.

Dean stood up slowly, hands clenched in fists, preparing to face the demon that advanced to him, but Castiel buried his knife in the nape of the demon's neck, while pushing his leg up, and he hit, with his foot, the other demon behind him square on the chest.

"Oh, you useless and stupid scum," Crowley said. "What's that popular saying? If you want something done, do it yourself."

The red-eyed demon snapped his fingers and suddenly, the other demons vanished, leaving Crowley alone with Castiel and Dean.

Crowley looked at Castiel pointedly. "You do realize that if he leaves this place with his brother's folder, it will be considered as theft."

Castiel gripped his angel blade tighter. "I'm aware," he said.

"Who are you?" Dean grunted at Crowley.

The demon gave him an almost benevolent smile. "I'm one of the things that go bump into the night. One you were not supposed to know about. But unfortunately, because of your friend here, now you know that I exist. I could say I'm sorry, but I'm really not."

"What are you, you son of a bitch?" Dean insisted.

"I'm a demon. But you can also call me fiend, deuce, dickens, boomer… you choose, monkey. I like all of them."

"You gotta be kidding me," Dean murmured, looking at Castiel as if waiting for him to confirm.

But Castiel only had eyes for Crowley now. Between the pain he was feeling, the blood dripping freely from his body and his worry for Dean, he was starting to feel dizzy. Blinking several times, he shook his head and took a step forward, putting Dean behind him once more.

"Crowley, let Dean go. Your problem is with me. Let's solve this once and for all."

"Oh, little angel, but I'm not nearly finished with you."

"Let Dean go, Crowley. I'm not going to say it twice," Castiel threatened.

"Or you'll do what?" the demon laughed. "Kill me? Don't be ridiculous. You are so, so funny, angel."

"Dean, go," Castiel said to the man. "I'll cover for you."

"No way, Cas," Dean said, shaking his head resolutely. "And leave you with this lunatic?"

"He can take care of himself, believe me," Crowley snorted. "Please, leave, and you'll be doing me a huge favor."

Castiel knew that he had no way out of this. He couldn't let Dean stay, because Crowley would not hesitate to hurt him, and Castiel was not sure he would be able to protect the man. But if Dean left with the folders, another Commandment would be broken, and he would be closer to his death.

He didn't have much of a choice in the end. Dean pushed him to the side and stood beside him, facing Crowley defiantly. Crowley raised his hand in Dean's direction, face gleaming with triumph, and the palm of his hand turned bright red. He was going to hurt Dean if Castiel didn't do something.

The angel called to the little Grace he still had in a desperate attempt keep Dean alive. He called to every particle of it(;) every piece of the celestial power buried deep inside his being, his very essence, and coalesced all the power into a ball of energy inside his chest. He could feel his eyes starting to glow, silver-blue and cold, his body lit with heavenly light, and he called lightning to light up the room.

Two huge, massive wings appeared, reflected on the wall behind him, its shadows framing his figure.

Beside him, Dean gasped and took several steps away from him.

"You're bluffing!" Crowley yelled. "I know you're drained!"

"Do you really want to take that chance?" the angel asked, his wings' images unfurling even more on the wall.

Crowley looked at Castiel, narrowing his eyes as if to read what Castiel was capable of. Then, he huffed an annoyed breath, snapped his fingers, and disappeared.

Outside, the heavy rain and the lightning stopped. The image of Castiel's wings disappeared. He collapsed on the ground, completely drained, his body heavy with pain and exhaustion. "Dean…" he whispered, raising his eyes and looking at Dean, who hadn't moved yet since Crowley's departure.

"What the hell are you?" Dean asked, his face white with bewilderment.

Castiel winced. "I can explain," he said, raising his hand to Dean.

Dean took a step back. "Get away from me. You're not human."

"I'm-"

"I don't want to know." Dean looked at Castiel, and there was betrayal and hurt in his eyes. "Are they all dead?" he asked, looking at the bodies on the ground all over the place.

Castiel closed his eyes, resigned. "My blade cannot hurt humans. Only the demons inside them are dead. They will wake up hurt, but alive."

They heard banging coming from the front door, and suddenly, there were loud sirens outside.

"Go," Castiel whispered.

Dean looked at him once more, pressing his lips firmly together, and then he was gone, through the same window he had come in, taking Sam's file with him.

You shall not steal.

Castiel didn't have strength for anything else. As soon as Dean left the police station, the pain of another broken Commandment hit the angel full in the chest, and he whimpered in pain and hopelessness. He had failed again. He just wanted to lie down on the floor and sleep. Maybe this would be just a bad dream and he would wake up in Dean's arms.

He had to talk to Dean. He needed to explain. Bur first, he needed to get out of there.

The voices were getting closer and soon the remaining policemen would come and see his colleagues on the floor, some of them with blood on their clothes. Castiel didn't even trust himself to get up and leave the place, as weak as he was. He had lost a lot of blood already, his human body getting dizzy and his vision blotchy. Castiel could feel the first tendrils of unconsciousness coming at him, and he was powerless to stop them.

"Gabriel, brother," he whispered, using the last of his ability to concentrate on anything. "Gabriel, please… help me…brother, I need you." Then, with another whimper, he welcomed the blackness that engulfed him.

THEN

Chicago, Illinois, March, 2013

When the Angel of Death told Castiel he would be banished from Heaven, without most of his Grace, the angel didn't know what to expect. But when he woke up naked, in the middle of a forest, unable to fly long distances or to make himself invisible, he knew he needed help. And there was only one that would help someone in his situation.

"Brother Gabriel, this is Castiel. I know you are stationedon Earth and I am in dire need of help." He prayed, concentrating on his older brother, whom he had not seen since 1920.

"I like the way you look," was the first thing Gabriel said to him, eyeing Castiel up and down. "Your Grace manifested in a good looking guy. Good for you."

Every time an angel came to Earth, his Grace manifested itself into a physical form, a human body that was different from angel to angel. Therefore, unlike demons, an angel's human body was his own, so the angel would not possess a human being. Possession was for demons, filthy creatures that they were.

Castiel would like to say "likewise" to Gabriel's comment, but he was not one to lie. Gabriel's physical appearance was… unimpressive. He was short, had light brown hair, and a funny face that gave the impression he was always mocking you. Well, maybe he was. Castiel was aware of his nakedness, and extremely uncomfortable by it.

"Could you find me some clothes?" he said to his brother.

Gabriel smirked. "Sure, bro." he touched Castiel's temple and suddenly they were inside a luxurious apartment. Castiel was clean and fully clothed.

"Welcome to my humble abode," Gabriel said, making a wide gesture with his arm. "I took the liberty to indulge myself in a few earthly comforts. Don't tell the Boss."

When Castiel explained his situation to his brother, Gabriel let out a low whistle. "Bro, you are one stupid angel. Brave, but stupid."

"At least I fight for my beliefs," Castiel said, sulking.

"Yeah, and look at what your beliefs cost you. You rebelled, bro, in case you didn't notice. You're banned from Heaven until further notice, which means, until this… what's his name?"

"Dean," Castiel growled.

"Yeah, until Dean's death. You're stuck here, with your Grace diminished, missing Heaven already. I hope you know Death just trapped you in an impasse: unless Dean disobeys the Ten Commandments, you will never be able to return to Heaven. That could take years, Cassie; Dean's entire lifetime. If Dean disobeys, though, he will die and you will return home berating yourself, knowing you failed, because you wanted him to have a long life."

Castiel nodded, knowing his brother was right. Thinking about his situation made Castiel incredibly angry; even though he tried to think reasonably and calm himself, because anger wasn't something an angel should have. But he had just been thrown here without any aid. If not for Gabriel, who had been stationed in Earth since the Middle Ages, what would have happened to him?

"Little bro, I'm sorry to say, but you're fucked with a major F. Come on, The Ten Fucking Commandments? Really?"

"Gabriel, don't swear."

"Whatever." Gabriel rolled his eyes. "But frankly, Cassie, how did you put yourself in a situation like this?"

Castiel sighed. "I have no idea. Maybe Death didn't like that I begged for the man's life."

"You think?" Gabriel snorted. "He's pissed, Cassie. Pissed. I told you, this is considered rebellion! And nothing good will come from this, because if you think Death gave you a chance, you're fooling yourself. He gave you a fucking gun to put a bullet in your own head."

"Gabriel, you're swearing again," Castiel complained. "And I am fully aware of my situation. But I couldn't just let him take Dean's soul when it's not… it's not fair at all!"

"Come on, Cassie. You know fairness has nothing to do with it."

"Don't call me Cassie. And what do you mean, it has nothing to do with it?"

"I mean, little brother, that all angels do these little 'works' for Death at some point. All angels. Even me, before I was sent here. But no one ever had the courage to question him. He's influent; the Boss practically lets him do whatever he wants. Of course none of us likes to take a young life; when it's a child, you can see how displeased the angel gets. But no one ever questioned him. And then there's you."

"I just… I couldn't do it," Castiel sighed again. "I spent almost a week observing Dean, and I couldn't take his soul. I… I wish this task hadn't been required of me."

"Holy shit! You are in love with the human!" Gabriel ran his hands through his hair, exasperated.

"Brother, please! Don't swear, and don't blaspheme!" Castiel insisted. "I am not in love with Dean. I saw him only five or six times."

"Cassie… get real. You are completely smitten. If not, how come you had the courage to say no to Death?"

"I didn't say no. I just… reasoned and begged and pleaded and…" Castiel widened his eyes. "Oh."

"Oh?" Gabriel arched his eyebrows.

"I am in love with a human."

"Told you so."

Castiel covered his mouth with his hand. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know. Maybe you should befriend this Dean, and maybe see if he likes you back?"

"Gabriel, this is serious!"

"I'm being serious! Why do people always assume I'm not?"

"I'm not people."

Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Look, you want to protect the guy?You don't want him to die? What better way to protect him than being close to him?"

Castiel thought about it for a few minutes, and Gabriel looked at him expectantly. "You have a point," Castiel finally conceded.

"See? I'm a genius!"

"Thank you, Gabriel. I can never repay what you're doing for me."

"Bull shit." The older angel patted Castiel's back. "That's what big brothers are for. Now, where does this charming prince live?"

"Lawrence, Kansas."

Gabriel smiled. "Perfect! Cassie, today is your lucky day. I know someone who can help you; an old friend of mine."

Castiel nodded, relieved that his big brother was helping him. Gabriel knew everything a bout Earth. Castiel, on the other hand, was not versed in earthly matters, having only being on Earth briefly, when his job required. He was not familiar with the way humans talked or walked or behaved. Without help, he would be a failure at befriending Dean Winchester and preventing his death.

Because Castiel's mind was set: he would prevent Dean from disobeying the Ten Commandments, and from dying; even that would take him away from home until Dean died of old age. He couldn't bear to think that the beautiful light from Dean's soul would leave Earth so soon. It just wasn't right.

NOW

Lawrence, Kansas, August, 2013

Castiel woke up in his room at the back of the diner. He fought a moment of disorientation, but after a few seconds, everything came back in his mind at once: the invasion, the theft, Crowley, Dean.

Dean looking at him like Castiel had hurt him deeply.

He sat up, groaning as dizziness came as soon as he moved.

"You're awake. Good," Gabriel said. He was sitting on a chair beside Castiel's bed. "Feeling better?"

"Yes," was all Castiel said. Considering he'd felt like he was dying before he passed out, he was ten times better. He noticed his wound had disappeared, so that counted as progress.

"I fixed everything at the police station. Put everything in place. Erased the memory of the poor people the demons used as meat suits, healed all their wounds. Also, all the cops and witnesses; no one remembers a thing."

"Thank you."

Gabriel sighed. "Little bro, what did you get yourself into this time?"

"Crowley. He has escaped from prison and he wants revenge, and he wants to make Dean suffer to punish me."

"Yeah, I know," Gabriel's tone was sad. "I heard on the angel radio. Poor Samandriel." The he took a deep breath. "But no one told me Crowley came after you."

Castiel wanted to say that's probably because no one cared. Angels didn't care about their fallen brothers, and Castiel, banned, as he was, was as much cast out as any fallen angel. "He wants to take Dean's soul to Hell. He says I will suffer knowing Dean is in eternal torment. He's been helping Dean break the Commandments – six, already – so Dean will die faster and he'll take his soul."

"Shit."

"So far, he's already possessed Dean's father and his brother Sam. I exorcised him, but a pact made with blood between him and his host prevented him from dying because I left the host alive. He attacked us at the police station, but he escaped and I know there's more coming; he won't stop until he takes Dean to Hell."

"Holy shit."

"Gabriel, you're swearing."

"Bro, you are in deep shit. I don't know how to help you."

"You already did."

Gabriel got up and started to pace the small bedroom. "Cassie, I wish I could do more. But you understand I can't, don't you?"

"Yes. I don't want to cause you trouble. If you kill Crowley, or even go after him, our brothers and sisters will know, and eventually they will get to me. If Death finds out you're helping me, you're in trouble, and you won't be able to help any of the fallen angels anymore. And I more than suspect I will be in trouble too." And Dean, Castiel wanted to say, because he hadn't forgotten Death's threat. "Maybe Death will turn me into an angel statue, in a cemetery somewhere."

"They have already sent a garrison to look for Crowley. He escaped prison, after all, they want to send him back there."

"I can only hope they will catch him soon."

"Listen, I will look for the demon discreetly. If I find anything, I'll see what I can do. Maybe if you're lucky, Naomi can smite him for you. She's on the garrison, and I bet she would love it, since Crowley trapped her in the past."

"I don't think that will be so easy, Gabriel. From what I've seen so far, I'm not the luckiest of angels."

Gabriel's expression deflated. "Oh, I… I forgot to tell you."

"What?" Castiel gulped, bracing himself for more bad news.

"Your Grace, it's…" Gabriel took a deep breath. "It's gone."

Castiel felt like all his blood left his brain in a rush. "What?"

"I prodded a little while I was healing you, and… it's gone, little brother. I think you burned the rest of it when you were fighting with Crowley and his gang."

"Does this mean I'm … human now?"

Gabriel's eyes widened. "Oh, no, no. I can still see your wings."

Castiel moved his shoulders a little. "I can't feel them."

"But they're there. Look, maybe the little Grace you had, you burned with the fight and that's it, or maybe it will come back eventually, I don't know. It's got to be at least a little bit in you, somewhere, although I can't feel its presence. Because you don't have a soul, since you're an angel and all, but you're not an empty shell, that much I can tell you."

"I'm… relieved. That I'm not empty." The thought of his body walking, talking, breathing without neither Grace nor soul inside it was too terrifying, and Castiel shook his head, as if to send the thought away.

"The thing is…"Gabriel's eyes were sad when he looked at Castiel. "There's nothing I can do. I'm sorry, but… you're as human as a fallen angel." Suddenly, Gabriel raised his head and looked to the ceiling, as if he was seeing something. "I'm being called. Gotta go."

"Thank you once again, brother."

"Take care, Cassie. Pray if you need anything, and I'll come, alright? And please, bro, try to stay safe, will you?" And in the next second, Gabriel wasn't there anymore.

Castiel sighed and got up, not feeling any dizziness this time. Looking at the clock, he saw it was eleven P.M., which meant he had slept for almost twenty-four hours. Gabriel had probably asked Missouri to let him rest, but he couldn't go back to sleep. He had to talk to Dean. He needed to see him, and maybe explain himself as best as he could.

Dean had seen Crowley's eyes. He had also seen Castiel's wings, and although the angel couldn't tell him about the Ten Commandments, now he could tell him that he was an angel – not that it wasn't obvious now.

He didn't know what Dean's reaction would be. But he knew he had to do something, and he wouldn't be able to wait until morning. He knew Dean was still awake, adrenaline still fueling him because of all the things that had happened the previous night.

He needed to at least try.